Lee-anne Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Hi. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and everything had been going great. His parents and two sisters had always been great. Then a bombshell hit and I’m really struggling with this. Without giving you the whole War and Peace version I caught his mom kissing another man at a park. I took my nephew home and went to her place to confront her. I had let myself in as I’ve been told to do and she came from the bedroom obviously flustered. He soon followed and left quickly. It was obvious what had happened. Now after a lot of excuses and yelling and accusations what’s come out in the wash is that they’re swingers. What had happened was all above board and with her husband’s full knowledge. Of course I felt awful about my overreaction. I don’t understand this lifestyle but I’m not about to tell them how to lead their lives. What’s really troubling me is that this is a family thing. One of his two sisters is also a swinger with her boyfriend and the other has tried it but it wasn’t for her. Obviously this lead to me questioning my boyfriend and he was way too careful with his words for my liking. After a lot of probing I’ve got out of him that he has before and is not against doing it in the future but only if I was fully on board. When I said there is no chance he said he was totally fine with that. Is that even possible? Is it possible that someone who has had multiple partners at a time could be happy with just one? I feel like I need to see the red flag and run a mile but 6 years is 6 years and he’s been nothing but perfect in that time. I have no-one with anywhere near any experience in this sort of lifestyle and whether people can indeed be happy removing themselves from it and settling with one person and that’s how I found myself here. I’m open to and any and all thoughts.
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Calm down. He said he can live without it, has not missed, you've been happy for 6 years. You are upsetting yourself over something that may never happen. 4
Author Lee-anne Posted September 12, 2021 Author Posted September 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Calm down. He said he can live without it, has not missed, you've been happy for 6 years. You are upsetting yourself over something that may never happen. I just wanted him to say no. Instead he said he was open to it if I was. I feel that door is left ajar and although it MAY never happen I really don't want to face a boyfriend/husband with an itch in another 5, 10, 15 years. I just wanted him to say that I was all he needed and that he would never share me. Does that make sense?
Calmandfocused Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Your boyfriend is not his mother. He is perfectly capable of making his own lifestyle choices and decisions. He’s telling you that he doesn’t want you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. Believe him. He’s done nothing to question your trust has he? Don’t judge him based on what someone else is doing. He’s not responsible for them, only for himself. 1
Author Lee-anne Posted September 12, 2021 Author Posted September 12, 2021 1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said: He’s done nothing to question your trust has he? Nothing except saying that he would share me and that he would be with other women. Sure only if I was all for it which I'm not but I just wanted him to say I was enough for him without leaving the door slightly open that the future could head in the same direction his parents and sister have gone. I'm probably overreacting but it's a shock finding out about his parents, let alone both of his sisters. I also don't like the fact it was a secret until I found out but now it is out it's almost open and free dinner conversation.
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, Lee-anne said: I just wanted him to say that I was all he needed and that he would never share me. Does that make sense? He made the decision to be monogamous to you, that is worth a lot. He's not monogamous because society dictate him to be but because he chose to be when he met you. That is a big proof of love. 2
Author Lee-anne Posted September 12, 2021 Author Posted September 12, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: That is a big proof of love Thank you.
introverted1 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 48 minutes ago, Lee-anne said: I caught his mom kissing another man at a park. I took my nephew home and went to her place to confront her. This is the bigger red flag to me. Why would you feel you are in a position to "confront: your bf's mother? 5
elaine567 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 5 minutes ago, Lee-anne said: I just wanted him to say no. Instead he said he was open to it if I was. I have a feeling that this will ultimately be a deal breaker for you. Now you know, it is impossible to un-know it. 3
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 I too was troubled by your choice to confront your BF's mother about her conduct which does not involve you. Why you felt it OK to talk to her about what you say before you talked to your BF strikes me as odd. I agree with @Gaeta though. Your BF has been monogamous to you for 6 years. He's fine with it. The issue probably never would have come up except you raised it. Stop worrying.
Ami1uwant Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 4 hours ago, Lee-anne said: Hi. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and everything had been going great. His parents and two sisters had always been great. Then a bombshell hit and I’m really struggling with this. Without giving you the whole War and Peace version I caught his mom kissing another man at a park. I took my nephew home and went to her place to confront her. I had let myself in as I’ve been told to do and she came from the bedroom obviously flustered. He soon followed and left quickly. It was obvious what had happened. Now after a lot of excuses and yelling and accusations what’s come out in the wash is that they’re swingers. What had happened was all above board and with her husband’s full knowledge. Of course I felt awful about my overreaction. I don’t understand this lifestyle but I’m not about to tell them how to lead their lives. What’s really troubling me is that this is a family thing. One of his two sisters is also a swinger with her boyfriend and the other has tried it but it wasn’t for her. Obviously this lead to me questioning my boyfriend and he was way too careful with his words for my liking. After a lot of probing I’ve got out of him that he has before and is not against doing it in the future but only if I was fully on board. When I said there is no chance he said he was totally fine with that. Is that even possible? Is it possible that someone who has had multiple partners at a time could be happy with just one? I feel like I need to see the red flag and run a mile but 6 years is 6 years and he’s been nothing but perfect in that time. I have no-one with anywhere near any experience in this sort of lifestyle and whether people can indeed be happy removing themselves from it and settling with one person and that’s how I found myself here. I’m open to and any and all thoughts. Swingers is a lifestyle choice. how have sex been? Swingers lifestyle can easily lead to cheating.
central Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 40 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Swingers is a lifestyle choice. how have sex been? Swingers lifestyle can easily lead to cheating. You're wrong. Swingers cheat a lot less than supposedly monogamous people, and there are studies to back that up. This guy chose monogamy with his girlfriend, and has a far better basis for making that choice for himself than do most people. 2
bene Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 5 hours ago, Lee-anne said: Without giving you the whole War and Peace version I caught his mom kissing another man at a park. I took my nephew home and went to her place to confront her. Why on earth would you do that? If I would be the guy I’d be seriously disturbed if my girlfriend would get involved in my mother’s sex life. Even typing that feels weird. It’s one thing to mention it to your boyfriend but you have no business confronting her. Sex is not some family pastime so I would not assume that the guy’s sexual preferences must be similar to her mother’s and sister’s. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 5 hours ago, Lee-anne said: went to her place to confront her What gives you the right to do so? Holy boundary-busting, Batman. Do you normally just barge into people private lives and stick your nose where it doesn't belong? Look, you clearly have a tendency to over-react and run on emotion before stopping to take a deep breath and think. I see the same thing happening with your reaction to your boyfriend's comments. You would be wise not to let yourself get carried away by emotions again before acting on impluse.
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 5 hours ago, Lee-anne said: I caught his mom kissing another man at a park. went to her place to confront her. I had let myself in as I’ve been told to do and she came from the bedroom obviously flustered. Wow. That's outrageous butting in and barging in like that to confront someone in the privacy of their home about something that's none of your business. Why wouldn't you confide in your BF about it first? Don't you trust him? Now you're accusing your BF of wanting to be a swinger (or cheater) because you believe it's a family trait or tradition? Do you live together? Do you have children together? Do you have future plans? Rethink the relationship. You need to reflect on boundaries and what's your business and what isn't. If you find his family morally reprehensible, don't date him. 2
glows Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 5 hours ago, Lee-anne said: I just wanted him to say no. Instead he said he was open to it if I was. I feel that door is left ajar and although it MAY never happen I really don't want to face a boyfriend/husband with an itch in another 5, 10, 15 years. I just wanted him to say that I was all he needed and that he would never share me. Does that make sense? Then this may be it for you. You are wanting him to be something he’s not. He’s telling you he’s open to the idea and would only do it with consent from all parties. If you want to date someone who is absolutely not for the idea he’s not the man for you. I’m not going to condemn you for your actions as it seems your boyfriend has kept this from you for six years. He’s never once brought up multiple partners? Without that disclosure I would find it hard to trust someone again. That would bother me more.
elaine567 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Why wouldn't you confide in your BF about it first? My guess she didn't want to upset him with the revelation. She perhaps hoped she could sort it out with the mother herself, without needing to tell the bf about it. 1
mark clemson Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Marriages are (ideally) long term, but people slowly change over time and hypocrisies of all kinds pervade society. So, the reality is that ANYONE you marry, no matter how they are right now, might cheat one day. Your BF's past swinging doesn't necessarily mean he's still interested in that - he may have "been there, done that" and not care overmuch for it anymore. This might, counterintuitively, actually make him a safer partner that someone who is polyamory-naive (and who isn't familiar with the rule-setting that's necessary and the issues it can create in relationships, even when agreed to). One can never know for certain, but IMO the "ok with it ONLY if you are" is likely to be his true sentiment, at least right now. However, IF this is highly triggering for you (which it appears it is, since you confronted the mom about it even though it was really not your business) and you truly can't figure out how to feel safe with him, then perhaps you don't belong together.
IrinaM Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 I also thought the whole entering-her-home-uninvited-for-the-sake-of-confrontation thing was beyond the pale. I also find it odd that you've never spoken about this in six years? Really? It's not such an unusual conversation, sometimes couples talk hypothetically about threesomes and adventurous sex that involves additional people. Even couples who would never do it, the subject comes up. Regardless, if I were in your shoes I would leave, probably. You said now it's "dinner conversation." Ick. Bye creeps.
Ami1uwant Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 8 hours ago, central said: You're wrong. Swingers cheat a lot less than supposedly monogamous people, and there are studies to back that up. This guy chose monogamy with his girlfriend, and has a far better basis for making that choice for himself than do most people. I did not say that. swingers themselves don’t cheat because there are ways to have sex with others. if someone wants to be a swinger and the other does not then this idea of getting variety will be solved by cheating. one of the reasons people cheat is because they want sexual variety…as do swingers 1
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 People who choose to be swingers are more moral in a sense than people who choose to cheat. There is a lot of trust, communication and of course rules and boundaries that do go along with this. You have a sister that chose not to be a part of the lifestyle. You didn't see any repercussions from her decision or retaliation from other member of the family right? That's because they are respectful people. The majority of swingers are respectful of others. They are not a seedy bunch that lures unsuspecting people into things against their will. Now that being said, you are OK. If this type of thing was that important to your BF, then he would never have dated you in the first place. He accepted your decision. End of conversation. 1
ShyViolet Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 His mother's sex life and his sisters' sex lives are none of your business. It is bizarre that you thought it was appropriate to go to his mother's house to "confront" her. I don't see how his mother and sisters' sex lives have any bearing whatsoever on your boyfriend's sexual tendencies. They are irrelevant. 1
DividedTrail Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 The way I see it there are three separate issues that has the OPs head spinning. 1) Thinking she caught her boyfriend's mom cheating and confronting her. I don't really have an opinion on that. 2) Finding out her possible future in-laws are swingers. This has shaken the view she had of people ‘she thought she knew’. I get that and would probably feel the same. I'm no prude but I've never been in the lifestyle and would probably react the same way. At the end of the day, they aren’t hurting anyone and the OP will just need to accept it and realize they are still the people she likes/loves. She might want to have a polite discussion with them that she was a little taken aback and it will take some time for it all to settle in her mind. She might also politely ask that they don’t discuss it around her at the dinner table lol. I don’t know, I guess it depends on their relationship. 3) The boyfriends past swinging experience: I also can see why she is shocked at this revelation. As others have mentioned, he hasn’t brought it up to her even if to gauge her possible openness to it in 6 years. I would say it sounds like he can genuinely live without it. I mean, everyone probably has some sexual interest they decide to let go of because other aspects of the relationship are satisfying enough including sexual. I agree that playing ‘what if in 5, 10 or whatever years’ it may become an issue could cause some anxiety, but there are so many what-ifs in any relationship unrelated to the current issue. I get you feel betrayed in a sense that he said he might be open to it if you are. You wanted him to flat out say no. Consider this: When I first joined this site, there was a post someone made with a link to a site that had a list of questions about sexual desires/preferences. I went through that list for fun and it went something like this (PG rated): Do you want your partner to wear sexy clothes? Definitely yes Maybe yes Only if my partner wants to Probably not Definitely not I would say 80% or more of my responses were ‘only if my partner wanted to’. 10% were yes and 10% were no. Or close to that. The fact he seemed to hesitate on how to respond says to me he was trying to be honest and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. He could have just lied and said no, I’ve never done that and I never would. Instead he was honest and in a sense he might be a little more open to things than you are but he doesn’t need it. I hope that makes sense. One other thought, It is wild it was kept a ‘secret’ for so long, but maybe the swingers in the group can answer, but I wonder if it’s like, ‘they’ can pickup on the type that would or would not be into it. They might have all realized, accurately I might add, that you are the type that would not be into it and they love you as part of the family (I mean 6 years right?) and didn’t want to freak you out. Right or wrong it could be as simple as that.
Ami1uwant Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 2 hours ago, DividedTrail said: The way I see it there are three separate issues that has the OPs head spinning. 1) Thinking she caught her boyfriend's mom cheating and confronting her. I don't really have an opinion on that. 2) Finding out her possible future in-laws are swingers. This has shaken the view she had of people ‘she thought she knew’. I get that and would probably feel the same. I'm no prude but I've never been in the lifestyle and would probably react the same way. At the end of the day, they aren’t hurting anyone and the OP will just need to accept it and realize they are still the people she likes/loves. She might want to have a polite discussion with them that she was a little taken aback and it will take some time for it all to settle in her mind. She might also politely ask that they don’t discuss it around her at the dinner table lol. I don’t know, I guess it depends on their relationship. 3) The boyfriends past swinging experience: I also can see why she is shocked at this revelation. As others have mentioned, he hasn’t brought it up to her even if to gauge her possible openness to it in 6 years. I would say it sounds like he can genuinely live without it. I mean, everyone probably has some sexual interest they decide to let go of because other aspects of the relationship are satisfying enough including sexual. I agree that playing ‘what if in 5, 10 or whatever years’ it may become an issue could cause some anxiety, but there are so many what-ifs in any relationship unrelated to the current issue. I get you feel betrayed in a sense that he said he might be open to it if you are. You wanted him to flat out say no. Consider this: When I first joined this site, there was a post someone made with a link to a site that had a list of questions about sexual desires/preferences. I went through that list for fun and it went something like this (PG rated): Do you want your partner to wear sexy clothes? Definitely yes Maybe yes Only if my partner wants to Probably not Definitely not I would say 80% or more of my responses were ‘only if my partner wanted to’. 10% were yes and 10% were no. Or close to that. The fact he seemed to hesitate on how to respond says to me he was trying to be honest and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. He could have just lied and said no, I’ve never done that and I never would. Instead he was honest and in a sense he might be a little more open to things than you are but he doesn’t need it. I hope that makes sense. One other thought, It is wild it was kept a ‘secret’ for so long, but maybe the swingers in the group can answer, but I wonder if it’s like, ‘they’ can pickup on the type that would or would not be into it. They might have all realized, accurately I might add, that you are the type that would not be into it and they love you as part of the family (I mean 6 years right?) and didn’t want to freak you out. Right or wrong it could be as simple as that. On (3). Check back after the sex becomes dull and routine if that after they have kids.
Author Lee-anne Posted September 14, 2021 Author Posted September 14, 2021 Well I've certainly been given a bit of a kicking about seeing my boyfriends mom. Let me explain. I used my words wrong, for that I apologise. Between seeing her at the park and going to her house it was maybe 90 minutes. I let myself in because I have a key and have always been asked to do that. When I went in I announced myself as being there. She came out of he bedroom and yes it did get a little heated. My intention was to let her know I saw her and to give her the opportunity to come clean or else I would do it for her. Obviously in the end there was no need. I wont apologise for speaking up. I can only hope that if one of my friends ever saw anything like that that they would bring it to light rather than keeping it to themselves. Now to the more important stuff. I still can't get over that my boyfriend wants to sleep with other people. I mean sure he will not do it because I don't want to but he still would if he could. I want him to not want to. I want him to not want to even if I said I might be into it. Likewise I don't want him to feel comfortable sharing me around. I want him to want me all to himself. I don't want him to be ok if I go out on a date next Saturday with some random guy, let alone being fine with us having sex. We will keep talking but I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It's not a deal breaker just yet. I don't like the fact that the whole family kept this from me. I'm part of the family, heck I even have keys. I can't believe they sat around at all the times we were together and had to check what they said just because of me. Now it's the polar opposite. Now they're freely asking each other who did what with whom over dinner. Can you imagine how gross it is to hear your potential future Mother-In-Law ask her daughter, in front of the daughters boyfriend mind you, if she enjoyed her 'date' with such and such? And then continue on to the point of almost asking what they did and where and how. It's hard to handle. In the end families are families and they all have their pros and cons. I can live with this. I just feel that I have to get to know my boyfriend all over again because he's not quite the same person I thought he was. I still love him. I'm still in love with him. I'm just disappointed in him right now, maybe unjustifiably, but it's just how I feel. I can't even talk to my friends about this. I couldn't imagine telling them 'hey guess what, my boyfriends a swinger'.
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