Mrin Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 7 hours ago, hannabolics95 said: In fact, I didn't respond till 5 days later when he asked about a job interview I had on the weekend. Good God, why did you do that if you're interested in him? If a woman did that to me I'd either next her or move her to the bottom of the list as flakey or uninterested. 3
Author hannabolics95 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 13 minutes ago, Mrin said: Good God, why did you do that if you're interested in him? If a woman did that to me I'd either next her or move her to the bottom of the list as flakey or uninterested. I think because a part of me just feels like he doesn't want another date, otherwise he would've suggested.
poppyfields Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You didn't respond to him for 5 days but you expect him to chase you & initiate. You claim you don't understand why he hasn't scheduled another date. Be serious. He hasn't scheduled anything because he is uncertain whether you like him. Nobody likes rejection. At this point he is probably not asking in part because he fears you will say no or have friend-zoned him. You just don't seem eager. Stop playing games. Start being more responsive. Since you dragged your feet for almost a week, get off your hands & you initiate something. He's not going to do anything, nor should he, while you are being non-responsive. This! Took the words. Girl! Time for YOU to step up to the plate. I mean, initially not responding for months, and then recently 5 days? Not to be harsh, but are you serious with that? And you still expect him to chase? Lord have mercy, the entitlement. You say you fear being rejected if you show interest, make the effort, initiate? Well first off, that's the risk we all take and second, it appears right now you are being rejected for NOT making any effort. So not quite understanding your thought process about that. And just because he has made all the effort thus far, done all the initiating, he should not be expected to continue given your unresponsive and unenthusiastic behavior. Again, to expect that is sheer entitlement on your part. Dating is two people making equal effort. From what you have written, you have not. The ball is in your court. Good luck!! P.S. Re the butt comment, my guess is he was trying to gauge your attraction, sexual interest in him. Given it took you literally months to want to meet him, and your current elusive behavior, can't say I blame him.. Edited September 9, 2021 by poppyfields 1
stillafool Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 He's probably moved on to someone else by now who is actually interested. 2
glows Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 13 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said: I think because a part of me just feels like he doesn't want another date, otherwise he would've suggested. I think you should listen to your instincts and delete his contact already. It sounds like what you’re looking for is for him to ask you on a second date but he’s instead dawdling and asking you about your job interview via text. You’re not sure about him so move on.
Mrin Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 11 minutes ago, glows said: It sounds like what you’re looking for is for him to ask you on a second date but he’s instead dawdling and asking you about your job interview via text. Interesting. Thanks for sharing this. As a man, I would have instinctively start with the job interview topic because I am interested in knowing how she's doing as a person etc... and a good way to start a conversation rather than just opening up with "want to go out again???" Good to note that it might come across as dawdling instead.
glows Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 22 minutes ago, Mrin said: Interesting. Thanks for sharing this. As a man, I would have instinctively start with the job interview topic because I am interested in knowing how she's doing as a person etc... and a good way to start a conversation rather than just opening up with "want to go out again???" Good to note that it might come across as dawdling instead. Others may feel differently. It's a topic I'd rather speak about in person or a phone call. Texts for me are utilitarian or for checking in with someone briefly at the end of a long day, not for full blown conversations. I won't respond generally to anything requiring a long conversation via text. I might call the person instead of responding via text. It doesn't matter that I'm a woman and he's a man either. This early if the OP is getting the sense that he's not quite interested in in-person meet ups, I think she should move on. 1
poppyfields Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, hannabolics95 said: I do honestly wonder though if it's anything to do with how long it took for us to meet and me sort of showing not that much effort/interest. Not "sort of" not showing interest or making effort but literally not showing interest or making any effort. Yes, I think your instincts are spot on about that. 100%. Again, dating is both people showing interest and making effort. Otherwise, it's completely one-sided, not good and my guess is he has lost interest because of it. Sorry OP, lesson learned for next time. Show interest, make effort. Be responsive. Don't wait 5 days to reply to a text. Initiate sometimes yourself. 50% equal effort. The best relationships develop that way in my experience. Edited September 9, 2021 by poppyfields
princessaurora Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 5 days is way too long to go without replying to someone you're interested in. You're either not that into him and are trying to convince yourself you are or you're playing a game you'll surely lose. As for the butt comment, I honestly don't think it's that big of a deal but that's just me. I'm used to guys telling me they want to slap my butt. 1
Author hannabolics95 Posted September 11, 2021 Author Posted September 11, 2021 Update: he's very keen to see me again, just very busy with Medicine and is keen to see where things go between us and wants to get to know me better. I think it was a failure on my end to not speak up.
Author hannabolics95 Posted September 12, 2021 Author Posted September 12, 2021 (edited) Had been talking to a guy for a few months on Instagram and we slowly built up the courage to meet. He had messaged me in April this year first quite a few times before I had responded. I then realised it was a few months and I hadn't responded so I messaged him. We spoke for probably a whole month before the meeting. He has offered breakfast/study dates before too. We ended up going out for dinner. Had very good chats, seems like a really lovely guy and nothing sexual. The odd compliment, but in good taste. Some cute messages to each other, like him sending me photos of what he does for work and him telling me that he often thinks about me. He told me he was a bit nervous before picking me up. He picked me up from my house and before he got to mine, he texted me saying would I like him to meet my parents or just pick me up. He paid for dinner and it went really well in terms of chats, felt like a really caring and respectful guy, talked about family and all those nice things. He dropped me home and did not indicate anything about going back to his which was good. He asked if I would like to do this again and I said yes. When we got back to my house to drop me home, my mother was just coming home and he waited and said hello to her. He then said she was lovely. I could tell he wanted to kiss as he sort of just kept looking at me, I said something and then we kissed. He messaged me a few hours later thanking me, kept in on and off-contact for the week, he told me he was tired but good. He asked about my plans for the weekend and I did the same, he is very busy and works in the medical field. He hasn't mentioned anything about catching up again. He asked about a job interview over the weekend and I didn't respond till about 5 days later, however, in my mind, because it was worded like 'job interview? nice' but then realised I should have responded. I told him I am a bit shy too. We texted a bit more but it seemed to go nowhere so I messaged him that I was under the assumption he was going to initiate something again as he asked me, that there are certain things I won’t stand for and that I wish him all the best. I sent the message on Instagram at 11pm and I noticed he opened it at 2am; perhaps he intentionally left it and then woke up thinking about it. He responded with ‘Sorry I wasn't able to reply immediately, I have been thinking about my answer. I'm sorry if it came across that way. You're not someone I would do that with and I had hoped to get to know you better and see where things go. I am busy but I should have more time once exams are finished. I do want to see you again so I apologise for not initiated’ Our dymanic so far, nonetheless does feel very healthy. Advice? It is not a surprise to hear that he is busy as it did take a while for us to both meet in the first place. I'm not asking him to give me more time but unsure if I'm being strung along. Edited April 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator merged hannabolics95 and ohjess threads on same topic 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said: He asked about a job interview over the weekend and I didn't respond till about 5 days later You are giving the impression you are not that interested. It was a mistake to wait that long. 7 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said: I sent the message on Instagram at 11pm and I noticed he opened it at 2am; perhaps he intentionally left it and then woke up thinking about it. Considering your own very slow response time, why is this a problem? It sounds like this lost steam and he has lost interest. You waited months to respond the first time, and then dropped off the radar for 5 days after you finally went out. You're too much work, hannah. Edited September 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 4
Author hannabolics95 Posted September 12, 2021 Author Posted September 12, 2021 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You are giving the impression you are not that interested. It was a mistake to wait that long. Considering your own very slow response time, why is this a problem? It sounds like this lost steam and he has lost interest. You waited months to respond the first time, and then dropped off the radar for 5 days after you finally went out. You're too much work, hannah. Fair enough. However, I don't think not responding for 5 days after we met would have been that much of an indictment if the man is clearly busy. I understand if he wasn't and was planning on seeing me; it would be deemed wrong. Also, wouldn't he have indicated if it was a problem in his message he sent me?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said: Fair enough. However, I don't think not responding for 5 days after we met would have been that much of an indictment if the man is clearly busy. I understand if he wasn't and was planning on seeing me; it would be deemed wrong. Also, wouldn't he have indicated if it was a problem in his message he sent me? Incorrect, but demonstrates that you don't quite understand how men work: You showed low interest, which you've been doing since you two started talking. That is not a good approach to dating. Him being busy is beside the point - your clear lack of interest is the problem. And no, he wouldn't necessarily have told you it was an issue for him. Why bother? You have had one date, and you dropped the ball again. So, you moved down the priority list. At the moment, he isn't that bothered about seeing you again. Look, everyone in your other thread already explained all of this to you. You made a mistake. Are you willing to accept that and try to learn from it, or do you just intend to refute it all over again? Edited September 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 3
introverted1 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 2 hours ago, hannabolics95 said: I messaged him that I was under the assumption he was going to initiate something again as he asked me, that there are certain things I won’t stand for and that I wish him all the best. If I got this message, I'd be done. Didn't you ask about this guy just a couple of days ago? And everyone said that your lack of response for 5 days was you signalling low interest to him? You ended that thread by saying you'd spoken to him and that he was "very keen" to see you again. And then you sent the message you posted above? Are you deliberately trying to sabotage this relationship? 4
Author hannabolics95 Posted September 12, 2021 Author Posted September 12, 2021 32 minutes ago, introverted1 said: If I got this message, I'd be done. Didn't you ask about this guy just a couple of days ago? And everyone said that your lack of response for 5 days was you signalling low interest to him? You ended that thread by saying you'd spoken to him and that he was "very keen" to see you again. And then you sent the message you posted above? Are you deliberately trying to sabotage this relationship? Thank you. You make a very good point. I think I do have some avoidant but also very anxious tendencies that I need to get in check. For example, part of me is wondering if he said that because he wants to do a slow fade on me/not suggesting a day but just saying he'll see me in the future; all silly.
glows Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 1 hour ago, hannabolics95 said: Thank you. You make a very good point. I think I do have some avoidant but also very anxious tendencies that I need to get in check. For example, part of me is wondering if he said that because he wants to do a slow fade on me/not suggesting a day but just saying he'll see me in the future; all silly. You have to work on responding better sooner. Creating multiple threads about the same person or situation won’t help your anxiety. Are you being treated or seeing a doctor for that? Don’t self-diagnose. 2
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 The best way to approach dating is to drop the negative assumptions. Keep positive/ react positively. Your passive aggressive message to get a reaction out of him or anybody is unhealthy. I am surprised he handled your attitude with tact and care. For most guys, you would never hear from them again. You can not sit on your tuffet and expect a man to do all the work. It goes both ways. Reaching out, being flirty, upbeat gives them encouragement and confidence. It's a modern age, it's ok to ask a man out on a date. I bet if you did ask him out, he would have welcomed a break from his busy life, even if it was for a coffee for an hour. I'm not saying throw yourself at them, but do small things, throw in a compliment, treat them for lunch or whatever. Men do like a supportive woman. So unfold those arms and make some positive changes. Change your state of mind. If you put in some effort and get no reciprocation, then ya just tell them you don't see this working out and wish them all the best. Don't get all dramatic about it. I think the first step is to grow a thicker skin and stop taking it so personally. Let it roll off your back. Next trick is to have a full dance card. You don't need to focus all your attention on just one guy. Having extra options boosts confidence. 5
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 7 hours ago, hannabolics95 said: I think I do have some avoidant but also very anxious tendencies that I need to get in check. Yes. Keep in mind playing games, testing someone, faux ending it, breakup threats, rude delays in responses, making someone jump through hoops, etc. will not create secure attachments. It pushes people away. It's not cute or 'hard to get', it's an invitation to a man to find a sincere secure women and leave you. 3
Author hannabolics95 Posted September 14, 2021 Author Posted September 14, 2021 So he said that his exams is in 2 weeks, he doesn't expect to make me wait but would love to see me after. Acceptable or not?
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2021 Posted September 14, 2021 He needs to study. What's wrong with that? I would date other people in the meantime but when he is free again, if you like go on a date. 2
introverted1 Posted September 14, 2021 Posted September 14, 2021 36 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said: So he said that his exams is in 2 weeks, he doesn't expect to make me wait but would love to see me after. Acceptable or not? Is it acceptable to you? If yes, go on the date if/when he asks in 2 weeks. If not, don't. 2
Els Posted September 14, 2021 Posted September 14, 2021 On 9/12/2021 at 9:03 PM, hannabolics95 said: He asked about a job interview over the weekend and I didn't respond till about 5 days later, however, in my mind, because it was worded like 'job interview? nice' but then realised I should have responded. I told him I am a bit shy too. We texted a bit more but it seemed to go nowhere so I messaged him that I was under the assumption he was going to initiate something again as he asked me, that there are certain things I won’t stand for and that I wish him all the best. What on earth did I even read....? You don't think that you're being WAY TOO DRAMATIC here? What exactly won't you "stand up for"? How does a standard text conversation lead to you saying something like that? 1
Author hannabolics95 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Posted September 22, 2021 I asked if he wants to see me and that I’ve still yet to receive any real date from you when this would be happening and even if he’s not intentionally doing it, I feel quite strung on. He opened that and didn’t respond. I sent him a final message this morning saying that he’s not clutching to even respond, that he’s should have been more proactive since as he would suggest things previously. That I feel frustrated with this and have had enough. Opened that and no response yet either. That if we did catch up in 2 weeks, that would have been 6 weeks since we first met. He finally replied asking if I would like his number and if we wanted to study this weekend. I said after his exams is fine and he said that’s very gracious of me. I didn’t respond and that was a week ago.
Wiseman2 Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 He doesn't seem that interested. Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It may help you move on from this and invest your time and effort into men who are interested in dating you. Set yourself free and finally delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 2
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