Understanding11 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 My boyfriend has been separated but still legally married for 4 years now. I've asked him about getting a divorce and he always says it's an easy thing but he never did anything about it. This July he told me that he'd have the talk with her but he never did. He always says I'm going to call her and tell her and the day ends and had done nothing. He's had ample opportunity to do so. So today he talked to his wife who had been trying to obtain citizenship for a friend but the friend got denied so my boyfriend suggested to her that they divorce so that she could marry the friend and he could get citizenship that way. It took me a minute to realize what he said then it hit me and all kinds of emotions came flooding in. I realized that in the 4 years that we've been together that he could never have this conversation with her and now he finally decides to. He says the outcome is the same, he killed 2 birds with 1 stone and that I'm being dramatic but it's actually VERY hurtful to me. I've been doubting our relationship for it's entirety but I didn't want to give up and now I think today is what I needed to hear to end it. Am I being dramatic?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 You're not being dramatic, but you're dating the wrong man. He could have divorced a while ago but he didn't want to - you knew this. Even if he denied it, you knew he didn't want to. He gave you excuses for a long time. You yourself said that you've been doubting your relationship the whole time, so I think it's time to listen to those instincts and end this.
Taramere Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 30 minutes ago, Understanding11 said: My boyfriend has been separated but still legally married for 4 years now. I've asked him about getting a divorce and he always says it's an easy thing but he never did anything about it. This July he told me that he'd have the talk with her but he never did. He always says I'm going to call her and tell her and the day ends and had done nothing. He's had ample opportunity to do so. So today he talked to his wife who had been trying to obtain citizenship for a friend but the friend got denied so my boyfriend suggested to her that they divorce so that she could marry the friend and he could get citizenship that way. It took me a minute to realize what he said then it hit me and all kinds of emotions came flooding in. I realized that in the 4 years that we've been together that he could never have this conversation with her and now he finally decides to. He says the outcome is the same, he killed 2 birds with 1 stone and that I'm being dramatic but it's actually VERY hurtful to me. I've been doubting our relationship for it's entirety but I didn't want to give up and now I think today is what I needed to hear to end it. Am I being dramatic? I don't think it's dramatic to be hurt that he couldn't have the talk with her for the benefit of your relationship, but was able to have the talk with her for the benefit of hers. I also believe he's being insensitive and dismissive of your feelings by calling you dramatic - but it's possible that he was unable to handle being on the receiving end of all those feelings flooding out, felt attacked and went on the defensive in a way that was insensitive to you. Having the feelings you have and expressing them is not, in itself, a dramatic behaviour. The question then is how the feelings came out. It's easy, when you're upset, for feelings to rush out in a torrent - and I think we've all (women and men alike) been there at some point. That's when people are likely to accuse us of being dramatic. It's not a good way for people to handle an upset person at all, but plenty of people are rubbish in situations like that without necessarily being bad people. Good relationships help us to grow - and that includes people who aren't very good at confrontational, emotional situations. The fact that emotions came flooding in suggests to me that they probably did come out in a torrent that he wasn't ready for. If it's a generally good relationship that has been affected by this sticking point for some time, I wouldn't rush into finishing it. If he's already been hit sideways by the force of your emotions flooding out and you follow that up by burning your bridges then even if you change your mind about it in a few days - it's likely to be too late. I know that might seem extremely unfair when you're hurting so badly, but the key thing here is to be able to express your emotions and your anger without it flooding out. Sometimes we just do it anyway, because we're so upset - and these are the moments when we often end up burning our bridges with people. What's the situation between you just now?
IrinaM Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Hun I think you need to take ownership of this situation. Four years is a long time, a verrryy long time, to date a man who is "just technically" married, and about to get divorced any day now, but just hasn't gotten around to it. personally I don't mess with separated dudes because I think it really squashes a woman's self-esteem. You chose to stay in this relationship, though, and you need to be responsible for that. 3
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 I think your eyes are finally open about all of his foot dragging but I don't see where he did anything hurtful. 2
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 He doesn't need to talk to her about getting a divorce, he just needs to file for it. When I filed for divorce I gave my ex-husband a courtesy call to tell him he would receive divorce papers. We had been legally seperated for almost 4 years. Why this long? I have no clue. the legal seperation had seperated our assets already, any contract he'd sign or I'd sign did not binde us in anyway, it felt like we were divorced and with dealing with moving, new job, adapting to a new city it got put on the back burner. Anyway one day I decided to take care of it and gave my ex a call. His reply was *why you want to divorce*? I was taken back by his question. I said you have a new woman in your life and a child with her don't you want THEM to be protected in case of death? I never understood why he didn't wish to divorce even after he had moved on with another woman. He did sign the papers though. Our adult daughter told me that the 12 years he was with his 2nd wife he called her by my name. When he died years later I was told by his sisters that in his heart I had always remained his wife. 1
glows Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Four years is a long time to date someone who is only separated. I’m sorry it’s hitting you so hard but it’s a good thing in the long run. I’m not keen on the fact that he’s minimizing your emotions or thoughts either or calling them dramatic. He may think it but there’s no reason to say it. That suggests someone who knows he should have done something earlier and he’s defensive. Prepare for a life of divisiveness, feeling minimized and unheard/unseen in a relationship. Perhaps these are all attributes you’ve already observed or questioned as you’ve felt uneasy for the entirety of the relationship. Tread with care. Your time and life is precious and four years has passed already living this way.
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Being with a married man is usually the best route to headaches and heartaches. He is wholly uncommitted to you and you know this. Step way back from this. Your relationship is just a tug-of-war at this point nagging him to get divorced and him lying to you and being dismissive. He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. This is not a quality man. 1
introverted1 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 I don't see anything in the situation as described as evidence that the bf is still tied to his ex. If anything, it's just the opposite: he sees the divorce as an unimportant formality and needs a "good" reason to expend the time and money to do it, given that he is already legally separated (assets divided, etc.). His ex has a situation where her ability to remarry would be beneficial, so he suggested moving forward with finalizing the divorce. Not suggesting OP has to be ok with dating a separated man, but it's unclear to me how any of this really affects her, unless she is actually eager to marry the bf and he is using the divorce to stall.
Ami1uwant Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 He could have filed for divorce a few years ago. Each area have their own divorce laws such as being separated for a full year. this is going nowhere for you…especially given this idea of marrying this friend. it’s illegal to do a marriage just to get someone a green card 1
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 It took over 20 years for my friend to divorce her ex, and all the while her common law husband was with her the whole time. It was about money and principle. Her ex was a dead beat a hole, and she couldn't bring herself to spend the $800 bucks she didn't really have on a lawyer. I don't think your BF has been forth coming about his reason not to. But anyways, there's opportunity so I say don't look at gift horse in the mouth.
kendahke Posted September 14, 2021 Posted September 14, 2021 He sounds like he likes exactly how his life is ordered and has no intention on divorcing her on your time table. Separated men are still married men. Only death and divorce/annulment voids a legal marriage. I think you've been had. You got 4 more years to waste behind him? 1
Nothanks Posted September 15, 2021 Posted September 15, 2021 The crux of it is “why wasn’t he willing to get divorced for you?” The answer is “because he didn’t want to”. What you do with that knowledge is now up to you. You can accept it or decide it is unacceptable. It is not up to him to decide what you should think about it. 2
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