Money Is an Issue - Long-Term Relationship

[Confused62]

Hi, I am seeking understanding and welcome many viewpoints here.  I have been with this lady (we don't live together) for 10 years. We live about 45 minutes apart and have not gotten married because of kids, jobs, etc. Some more info:

- Kids are now grown and largely out of house

- I have an adult daughter living with me suffering from Major Depressive Disorder, and some other issues

- My girlfriend lost her primary job, due to Covid, last year.

- She has passive income streams and is earning about $45K per year from this.

- I pay for her health insurance, cell phone, any meals out, periodic groceries, all vacations, etc. She pays for NOTHING when with me.

- She was helping me renovate a property about 10 months ago and fell. When she fell, I told her - if hurt - that I would help her with the bills.

- She came to me a few days back and told me she needed knee surgery as a result of the fall (has told me in past she hurt knee another way) and said her out-of-pocket was $1,800. She demanded that I pay the full amount.

- I offered to pay $900 (50/50) and she said this was not enough. I have my own medical bills ($3K emergency room visit) and am not asking her to help pay any of this and again I am paying all of her health insurance. 

Question(s): 

1. Am I being fair in this situation?

2. Is she asking for too much?

3. What am I missing here as I don't get why my offer wasn't immediately accepted and met with gratitude?

- 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Confused62 said:

3. What am I missing here as I don't get why my offer wasn't immediately accepted and met with gratitude?

Entitlement. You are missing her apparent sense of entitlement.

$45k/year isn't that much, depending on expenses, etc, so I could see her wanting help. However, expecting your help is a different matter.

Perhaps you have done too much already, dunno.

[d0nnivain]

You need to see an attorney.  If she claims to have fallen on your property & sues you for pain & suffering, you could be on the hook for way more than $1800.  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Confused62 said:

Am I being fair in this situation?

No.  But not to yourself.  Stop paying her bills and giving her money.  Tell her to get a second job as there are plenty out there.  She sees you as a chump.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Confused62 said:

- She was helping me renovate a property about 10 months ago and fell. When she fell, I told her - if hurt - that I would help her with the bills.

- She came to me a few days back and told me she needed knee surgery as a result of the fall and said her out-of-pocket was $1,800. She demanded that I pay the full amount.

Why are you paying her health insurance? That's insurance fraud if you are not married or domestic partners.

Also it's ridiculous to put her on your phone plan. You are doing this willingly so...?

She could contact a personal injury attorney. 

This seems to be a chronic issue between you two:

 

[Confused62]

Trying to reply to Wiseman2.  Not insurance fraud. I am paying her insurance for her for the last year. I did this b/c I love her and wanted to help her and had the ability to do this. It appears to me that while I have done this as acts of generosity and love that she continues to hold her hand(s) out and wants more, more, more.  But to be clear, I am simply funding her health insurance.

Oh well... I am seeing the comments re "entitlement", "chump" and the one's I am reading are validating how I am feeling... 

Thanks to all!

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, Confused62 said:

She came to me a few days back and told me she needed knee surgery as a result of the fall (has told me in past she hurt knee another way) and said her out-of-pocket was $1,800. She demanded that I pay the full amount.

Who knows how much more you would have to pay her if she she contacts an attorney.  You DID offer to pay and she DID injured herself on your property. Guess it is fair to pay the full amount I would say. I mean, you are paying way more for everything else, so what is another $900 in a grand scheme of things for you?

Everything else is totally up to you. Want to support her and pay for everything then do so. If you don't want to, then don't. 

[basil67]

When she fell, she was on your property and helping you renovate.  Were there any work safety breaches which contributed to her fall?  

Does your home insurance cover personal liability? 

[Confused62]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When she fell, she was on your property and helping you renovate.  Were there any work safety breaches which contributed to her fall?  

Does your home insurance cover personal liability? 

I am not convinced this is what happened to her shoulder. She has told me two different stories - the most recent is this is what happened (falling). I want to do the "right" thing; however, I feel like my having provided her with insurance for 9 months at about $4,500 (out of pocket to me) more than makes it fair my offer to pay half. Next, I did suggest going to homeowner's to see if they would pay. She told me to put the full amount on my credit card.  As opposed to wanting to "work" with me as I think couples should she is instead demanding I pay it all. This doesn't feel right to me. I would never go to her or someone else I love with this type of demand.  Maybe the difference is the "love" part?

Additionally, just because someone falls on your property doesn't automatically make you liable - I don't think. 

[Caauug]

7 hours ago, Confused62 said:

I told her - if hurt - that I would help her with the bills.

I bet you regret saying that....

7 hours ago, Confused62 said:

told me she needed knee surgery as a result of the fall (has told me in past she hurt knee another way)

Was the original injury was manageable say with a wrap or simple habit changes? Is it now a crippling, constant pain injury? See an attorney and protect yourself.

4 minutes ago, Confused62 said:

I am not convinced this is what happened to her shoulder.

Knee or shoulder, or is she going for the total body rebuild?

7 hours ago, Confused62 said:

I have been with this lady (we don't live together) for 10 years.....     ....have not gotten married because of kids, jobs, etc.

You might as well have gotten married, your paying the same as and now you will likely be keeping her after she sues you.... You really have to ask yourself how much you are getting out of this R. Do a "Cost Benefit Analyses" How much money spent on her per month / the hours spent with her = Cost per hour.... Are there cheaper options around with less liability (injured knee)? She sounds more like a charity that you can't claim on your tax return. 

[Alvi]

6 minutes ago, Confused62 said:

Additionally, just because someone falls on your property doesn't automatically make you liable - I don't think. 

You need to talk to a lawyer about this. I am in no position to answer that but I would think that you would be liable if someone get injured on your property. I heard plenty of stories where people got injured on someone's property and won some damages. But it could depend on where you live.

[Confused62]

29 minutes ago, Alvi said:

You need to talk to a lawyer about this. I am in no position to answer that but I would think that you would be liable if someone get injured on your property. I heard plenty of stories where people got injured on someone's property and won some damages. But it could depend on where you live.

Fair point... I just don't see how you go after someone you love with demands like this. Perhaps is of the love of thyself of love of money greater than any love for me.

[Caauug]

2 hours ago, Confused62 said:

I just don't see how you go after someone you love with demands like this. Perhaps is of the love of thyself of love of money greater than any love for me.

This may come as a shocker: Men and women are not the same. We think different, we act different, we have different needs, which makes us love differently. Your GF does not love you the same as you love her. She is incapable of loving you the way you want to be loved. This has all be forged out over millions of years in evolution that makes up human nature. You really need to get a grasp on that. 

If evolution is not in your beliefs, I believe the bible touches on these subjects somewhat, I can't say where off hand but.

[basil67]

Or even without looking at gender, one woman may love different to another woman, and likewise, men love differently too.

There is such diversity in humans and their emotions, and it's best to strive to find a partner who loves in the way we need.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Confused62 said:

Additionally, just because someone falls on your property doesn't automatically make you liable - I don't think. 

She may not sue you, but you can easily google "slip and fall personal injury" .

You talking about love all the time. Yet you claim she's using you for money.

[Confused62]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She may not sue you, but you can easily google "slip and fall personal injury" .

You talking about love all the time. Yet you claim she's using you for money.

Thanks for your comment. I am well aware of "slip and fall personal injury". I am talking about "love". I am not claiming "she's using me for money". I am just asking for viewpoints on this to see what I am missing, if anything. I am getting some of this and thank you and others. 

I guess where I am at is that I feel like I have been more than fair to her by my actions and my wallet. I don't see where she can't see this and also can't see a person who loves another person put me in this situation - unless they value money more then the relationship. That is how I feel.  Call me naive or whatever but that is how I see it but again I am being enlightened by comments on here. 

[salparadise]

15 hours ago, Confused62 said:

As opposed to wanting to "work" with me as I think couples should she is instead demanding I pay it all. This doesn't feel right to me. I would never go to her or someone else I love with this type of demand.  Maybe the difference is the "love" part?

 

Sounds to me like she thinks she’s got you by the short hairs and you don’t really have a say in the matter. Entitlement to the extreme. If she’s netting $45k without even working, she’s capable of paying some of her own expenses. I think you’ve been more than generous. More than almost anyone would be with an independent adult to whom you’re not married. 

So where does this leave you? Pay whatever she says to keep the equilibrium, while sucking up the resentment and humiliation of not having any say in your own financial affairs… or be assertive and let the chips fall where they may? If you’re paying all her bills and insurance etc., etc., she be a fool to blow up such a sweet deal over $900. So I doubt that she will sue. Plus I’m sure you have general liability insurance to cover such an occurrence. I’d just say no to putting it on a credit card. 

She’s showing you what she’s made of here. But she’s not imagining that this could be the beginning of the end. I’d tell her that your patience is limited, and she needs to be appreciative for the generosity she enjoys, because you aren’t obligated to any of it. And if she chooses to blow it up, so be it. Your dignity is important. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I agree you should speak to an attorney to know your rights and avoid being sued, etc. Once that is settled and you are out of any legal risk, I’d seriously consider ending the relationship or at least cutting her off the insurance (which as noted she is not entitled to) and dropping her from your mobile plan.

I am a woman and what you have described sounds like she is taking you for granted and enjoying the financial support. The fact that she never buys a meal, brings groceries or treats you in any way seems so cold and entitled to me.

[Confused62]

1 hour ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

I agree you should speak to an attorney to know your rights and avoid being sued, etc. Once that is settled and you are out of any legal risk, I’d seriously consider ending the relationship or at least cutting her off the insurance (which as noted she is not entitled to) and dropping her from your mobile plan.

I am a woman and what you have described sounds like she is taking you for granted and enjoying the financial support. The fact that she never buys a meal, brings groceries or treats you in any way seems so cold and entitled to me.

Thanks for your perspective - that of a woman. This is how I am "landing" on it myself. While we are not married, I have been "helping" her for years. I suspect, as opposed to being appreciated, it is instead now the expectation - while not being appreciated. I don't think I am asking a lot... I am looking for a partner not a dependent. She is acting more like a dependent that I do not get to count on my 1040 with the IRS. And this all happened on the heels of me asking her to stop talking to me about $ and kids... I have repeated this MANY times recently. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Confused62 said:

I am looking for a partner not a dependent. She is acting more like a dependent 

You're the one claiming to be generous and willingly pay for her insurance and phone.

Do you claim your disabled daughter as a dependent? Do you pay her health plan and phone? Is she on disability?

You seem to  be mixing up a lot of different emotions and attachments and arrangements.

 Sometimes it's hard to tell if you are talking about your daughter or your GF.

Try not to put everything in a blender and come out with this mixed bag of 'I'm so kind and generous' one minute and 'she's a greedy gold-digger' the next.

No one has a gun to your head as far as paying her phone or insurance.

[Confused62]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're the one claiming to be generous and willingly pay for her insurance and phone.

Do you claim your disabled daughter as a dependent? Do you pay her health plan and phone? Is she on disability?

You seem to  be mixing up a lot of different emotions and attachments and arrangements.

 Sometimes it's hard to tell if you are talking about your daughter or your GF.

Try not to put everything in a blender and come out with this mixed bag of 'I'm so kind and generous' one minute and 'she's a greedy gold-digger' the next.

No one has a gun to your head as far as paying her phone or insurance.

No mix ups. It's crystal clear. I have a disabled daughter living with me. No other statements have I made that are related to daughter. 

"I'm so kind and generous" and "she's a greedy gold-digger". I am not saying either. I am simply stating facts and asking for opinions on. 

No need for blending. I agree that no one has a literal gun to my head. Again, I have been doing this to "help" her, or at least this was my intention. From where I am coming, I was thinking offering her half of her co-pay on the up-front costs for the surgery was fair. Just sanity-checking myself and reading different opinions, all of which I am appreciative!

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I think what wiseman is trying to say is that you need to take responsibility for your actions.  If you are going to do these things for her then do it out of love and consider them gifts.  End of story.  No need to tie the giving to her this or you that.

You have freedom of choice and can say no if you do not want to do things.  You saying no does not make you a bad person. It is your choice and you are entitled to it.

But know that your decision affect the quality of the relationship for her and for you.  You cannot control what she does so stop judging her.  You can only control you so you should start there.  Truth #1 you owe her nothing. 

If you are done with the relationship then start unwinding or cut her off.  If you are not then learn to be happy with what you have.

I urge you to speak to an attorney about the injury on your property she may have grounds to sue at any time unless you get her to sign a release.

You can get insurance to pay but your rates will go up.

 

[IrinaM]

I have no idea if you are legally on the hook for her bills, only an attorney licensed to practice in your area can give you the right guidance on that. I know this much: if you are legally responsible for her medical bills, nothing about your prior "generosity" will factor in to that. it won't matter that you paid her cell phone bill or took her to applebee's, trust me, no judge will care. it doesn't matter if you bought her a pony. all of that is irrelevant.

i don't know if she is using you or not, i can't tell from your post. i can tell that you are resentful of everything you do for her, which means you need to stop. you are responsible for a big part of this. the gifts you give her were not from your own generosity (or you wouldn't be thinking about it) but rather to placate her. maybe you think she will leave if you cut her off financially? and she might. but you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

[Confused62]

4 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I have no idea if you are legally on the hook for her bills, only an attorney licensed to practice in your area can give you the right guidance on that. I know this much: if you are legally responsible for her medical bills, nothing about your prior "generosity" will factor in to that. it won't matter that you paid her cell phone bill or took her to applebee's, trust me, no judge will care. it doesn't matter if you bought her a pony. all of that is irrelevant.

i don't know if she is using you or not, i can't tell from your post. i can tell that you are resentful of everything you do for her, which means you need to stop. you are responsible for a big part of this. the gifts you give her were not from your own generosity (or you wouldn't be thinking about it) but rather to placate her. maybe you think she will leave if you cut her off financially? and she might. but you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Thanks for your enlightening comments. I am only "resentful" when I feel it is unappreciated. 1. I am paying Health Insurance b/c I think she needs it. 2. I immediately offered to pay half of the co-pay. 3. If she leaves if I cut her off then it was the $$ all along. 

Thanks again.

[Lauriebell82]

10 years is a long time to not advance a relationship. I understand not everyone wants to live together or get married. However...she already seems dependent on you financially and you seem willing to give. So I am unclear why you guys are a)still living apart OR b) have not taken steps to make a more serious committment to each other at this point in your lives. 

I understand you have a disabled adult daughter living with you, but does this prohibit a more serious live in arrangement or a marriage? To me the situation is pretty clear. Get some better boundaries about money and basically stop supporting the woman financially. Don't act like a husband or live in partner when you are not one. Second...have a conversation about what the two of you actually want out of your relationship. She needs financially support, you are wiling to give it. Are you guys ready for a more serious committment at this point in time? If the answer is a very clear cut NO but you want to stay together then get some better boundaries around paying her bills. If the answer is YES, then take steps to advance the relationship. 

Edited September 14, 2021 by Lauriebell82