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He's coming on too strong after 1 date


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Posted

Went out on a first date with a guy who is 37, I'm 29. He's a little older than I typically date, but he was nice and respectful, we had good conversation and I had a good time on the date. He's handsome. But for some reason there weren't major "sparks" for me. He even bought me a bouquet of roses, wow, no guy has ever done that for me on a first date before. I got out of an abusive relationship 7 months ago so this was the first real date I've been on since. I have been emotionally closed off and not wanting to date, but I saw him on a dating app and decided to take a chance.

He's everything I'm looking for, so I don't know why the butterflies or the spark wasn't there. I'm probably just not ready. The problem is, he's coming on super strong, as if he's already in love with me. He texts me good morning and before I even have a chance to reply (because I'm still sleeping) he sends me another text saying "Hows your day going?" He will send me text after text, even if I havent replied to the first one yet. He sends me heart emojis and kissy face emojis. I don't send them back (except a regular smiley face). He says things like "You're amazing! I Miss you!" every day. I don't say it back, I just say "Aww thats sweet" or something.

I already told him to please slow down (after he said he mentioned me to his parents). He said "I understand!" but then literally within the same hour sent me a heart emoji and "Miss you, been thinking about you all day." It made me roll my eyes! What should I do? I agreed to see him for a second date but the way he's acting like a love-struck teenager is turning me off. Oh, he also liked every single one of my instagram pictures from the past year all within two days.

  • Shocked 1
Posted

Did you by any chance tell him that you just left an abusive relationship or that you've never received flowers on a date before?

That you are rolling your eyes at his messages is a good indicator that he's not the right choice for you. I agree with you that his behaviour is over the top. 

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Posted
Just now, glows said:

Did you by any chance tell him that you just left an abusive relationship or that you've never received flowers on a date before?

That you are rolling your eyes at his messages is a good indicator that he's not the right choice for you. I agree with you that his behaviour is over the top. 

Yes, I told him on the first date. I also said I wanted to take things slow on the first date. He says he understands, but his actions are still needy.

Posted

His behaviour would turn me off completely. 

You have already asked him to slow down. He isn't listening. If you want, you can tell him in very concrete terms what this means to you, (cutting down on the mushy messages, and so on) - or you can decide he's not the right guy for you and respectfully tell him you don't feel it's a match. 

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Posted

Normally, when you say something like, "I'll call you later," then you can pace things out yourself, but he doesn't acknowledge or appreciate your request to slow down even after you've expressed a desire to slow down.

Whatever the case may be, there is a clear disconnect and mismatch between the degree of attraction and connection and his actions because he only recently met you.

Seems he might have an agenda.

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Posted
26 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Seems he might have an agenda.

What kind of agenda? Should I be worried that he would be dangerous or something?

Posted
7 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

What kind of agenda? Should I be worried that he would be dangerous or something?

No, not necessarily dangerous.

It could be he's a smitten kitten, but it could also be something else, such as a love of the chase, a jerk in disguise, or simply being needy.

Even if he is merely overly eager, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it made you uncomfortable, and when you stated your displeasure, he disregarded it.

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Posted
18 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

What kind of agenda? Should I be worried that he would be dangerous or something?

Not necessarily, no. 

He might just be a little desperate to land a girlfriend, and lacking in appropriate boundaries.

Posted

Well , those things aren't just there with just anyone , you might be blocking or they simply just aren't with him either. Time would tell.

lf you do wanna try taking it further though you could try talking to him again about taking it slower, much slower/ You'd obviously have to get a little on the blunt and firm side this time to get it into his head by the sounds though.

But l agree with some others he could well just be a little on the desperate side right now, or he might just be so plain absolutely smitten with you so far that he's getting carried away.  lt may well not be anything bad who can know after only one date as yet really. You could try that talk and a second date if you are interested, see how things go.

Posted

Try to reflect and recover from the abusive relationship.

There are so many red flags 🚩 here.

It may be best to tell him you are not a match and stop seeing him.

Maybe he's just got a few screws lose, maybe he's a potential stalker, maybe he's coming on way too strong the way many abusers do.

Try to be more vigilant of red flags like this and cut your losses early on.

Posted

Yep... he's needy, and not respecting you at all.   You need to just tell him to stop.  

Posted

Tell him what exactly means to slow down. Go on the second date and see if you feel any chemistry.

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Posted

Love bombing alert! Read up on this immediately

He’s either another abusive man on the prowl for his next victim (ie you) or he’s so crippled with low self esteem that he can’t control his neediness and plight for validation. Neither is good! 
 

This is way too much! Extricate yourself and quickly. 
 

 

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Posted

You don't have the spark because subconsciously you know something is off.  Roses on a 1st date off OLD is inappropriate. It's too much & screams desperate like he's trying to buy your affection.  You told him to slow down but he persists on double texting you even after you told him to stop.  He's not respecting your boundaries.  

You were in an abusive relationship previously which tells me your picker is a bit off.   This guy is just differently problematic.  He's too much.  There is something wrong with him.  I'd take a hard pass  

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Posted

Love bombing written all over it.  Useless to tell him again to pace himself, he won't do it.  No need to waste more time on him, he's not the only man available to date. Dump him.

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Posted
Quote

He's coming on too strong after 1 date

= red flag (big one).

Posted

I think I would actually be a little creeped out.  

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Posted
5 hours ago, FMW said:

I think I would actually be a little creeped out.  

Yeah, maybe I've been watching too much dateline but it creeps me out too because I don't want him to turn into a stalker. Especially if I were to ever give him my address.

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Posted (edited)

So what are your thoughts doing, creeping you out but everything your looking for, that doesn't come along very often, you gonna give him one more try or ?

Edited by chillii
Posted
1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said:

 it creeps me out too because I don't want him to turn into a stalker. Especially if I were to ever give him my address.

Excellent. Your instincts are in good shape. Yes run 👟👟

Posted

I would strongly advise you to steer clear of this guy.  He is love bombing you.  While it can seem sweet at first, it can become very clingy very quickly and potentially scary.

Do not tell him where you live or work.  

There is quite an age gap too.  I suspect he is caught up with a lovely young woman and is determined you will pay him attention.

You say you have come out of an abusive relationship.  It is tempting to go for someone who seems just the opposite but overly clingy and attention seeking can be pretty awful too.

I would say ask him to slow down (as you have).  Be specific, 'no more than a couple of texts a day' or something, and see if he pays attention to what you say.  A guy ignoring what you say is crossing your boundaries.  This is what potentially abusive guys do, as you know.  If he does not appear to be listening to what you tell him, then it is up to you of course but I would drop him.

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Posted
23 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Yes, I told him on the first date. I also said I wanted to take things slow on the first date. He says he understands, but his actions are still needy.

He is unsure what slow means vs ignoring you.

why are you measuring something by butterflies?  This stuff is rather childish.   Have a few dates then see how you feel.

 

you are also very guarded. I bet other guys might have read something different in you being guarded rant not interested.

 

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Posted

I read a lot of very judgmental posts here.
For those that haven't figured it out, relationships are challenging, as is dating especially via apps.

And yes, many of us men can be somewhat obtuse, and kind of oblivious when it comes to romantic communications.

I don't know you or the guy, but if I were to take a wild guess I'd say that he's eager to show his interest and doing it in a very clumsy way.  He may have understood the reticence on your part, but thinks he can overcome it with more eagerness.

If you've definitely decided you're not interested, then break it off, and tell him clearly.

If you're still thinking "maybe", but want him to slow down, then tell him in plain English what he's doing wrong.
It sometimes happens that a woman is trying to be gentle and waiting for the guy to "get the hint" but all he's thinking is that he needs to try HARDER.  
For a while now men have been hit with the message that we're not "Considerate/ Romantic/ Loving" enough, and some of us are very clumsy in trying to address those shortcomings.

You could simply tell him something like "I think I would like to see you again, but you are coming on too strong.  You're sending me so many messages, that it's a bit overwhelming.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to fall in love again just yet, so I would like to be friends first.  I can see that you like me and are keen to express that, but saying you love me and sending me kissy-face emojis, so early in our relationship, is taking things a bit too fast for me."

Posted
On 9/11/2021 at 5:53 AM, CalipsoRose said:

He's handsome.

On 9/11/2021 at 5:53 AM, CalipsoRose said:

he's everything I'm looking for

BUT

On 9/11/2021 at 5:53 AM, CalipsoRose said:

I don't know why the butterflies or the spark wasn't there.

 and

12 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

it creeps me out too because I don't want him to turn into a stalker

You are likely giving him a pass because he looks good.
If he was not so good looking you would have binned him. 
However I am not surprised you are creeped out - over the top weirdness frankly.
I suggest you listen to your gut. No spark and a creepy vibe.
Stay clear.

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Posted (edited)

if you look like amber heard’s twin sister why should any guy not come on strong and heavy?....i kid, i kid

yes, just tell him politely in straight english that you just got out of a really bad relationship, and you want to take things really, really, really slowly and that he doesn’t lovebomb you. 

Edited by Interstellar
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