What could have happened and what should I do? thoughts needed :

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

he replied “Well, I don’t think I can see you until the end of the month... We’ll talk when you come back to Germany tomorrow and I’ll tell you everything  “ 

Yes, it's silly to keep trying to squeeze it out of him while he's away and you're away.

It's unclear why the whole thing is some big secret.

Sounds like he's coming up with an explanation.

[Amanda141]

I think he wants to tell me tomorrow because he didn’t want to ruin my weekend, as this weekend was special (I had a family wedding and I’m currently in my hometown until tomorrow).

i think at first he thought he was coming back sooner (this upcoming week) so his plan was to see me and tell me in person, because maybe it’s something long and personal. However, he’s not coming back until the end of the month. He told me he’ll tell me tomorrow because my weekend ended and I’m coming back to Germany. Let’s see. In the meantime, I had a wonderful weekend with family and friends whom I hadn’t seen for months. I have another short trip next weekend with friends, I have to work, and if there is the chance I am open to meet other guys. I have decided that it’s useless and worse to worry and speculate... tomorrow I will know what’s going on  I have a gut feeling that he likes me and this has nothing to do with me (based on how he treated me in this month and a half and given the fact he got in touch with me today).

nevertheless, anything could have happened. Let’s see what the future holds, in the meantime I am going to have a positive attitude  

 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I have a gut feeling that he likes me and this has nothing to do with me (based on how he treated me in this month and a half and given the fact he got in touch with me today).

nevertheless, anything could have happened. Let’s see what the future holds, in the meantime I am going to have a positive attitude  

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Amanda: anything new?

[Amanda141]

UPDATE —-

Unfortunately, his mother passed away on Saturday. I sent him my deepest condolences… I cannot even imagine what he’s going through right now.

I will let him take his time. He told me he’ll be back at the end of the month….

[stillafool]

OMG!  Was it an accident?  Did he say how she died?

[Amanda141]

Just now, stillafool said:

OMG!  Was it an accident?  Did he say how she died?

No, he just told me that it happened on Saturday. I feel like asking for details is inappropriate… i just replied “My deepest condolences. I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now… if you need anyone to talk to, I am here to listen. I send you a big hug”

[Gaeta]

That is awful news. 

But I can't forget that on Sunday, the day following his mom's death, he sent you a message with a smiley face. 

 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

No, he just told me that it happened on Saturday. I feel like asking for details is inappropriate… i just replied “My deepest condolences. I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now… if you need anyone to talk to, I am here to listen. I send you a big hug”

And that was it? Nothing else?

On Sunday his message was *and I’ll tell you everything  'smiley face' “ 

[Amanda141]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That is awful news. 

But I can't forget that on Sunday, the day following his mom's death, he sent you a message with a smiley face. 

 

Yeah but it’s just an emoji, I wouldn’t put a lot of meaning on that… Poor guy, I am so sorry

[Amanda141]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And that was it? Nothing else?

On Sunday his message was *and I’ll tell you everything  'smiley face' “ 

So I asked how is was doing and he told me “Well… I don’t want to bother you… how was coming back to Germany? And the wedding?”

me: “all good thanks. No worries, you won’t bother me… I am actually quite worried about you, I’d like to know what’s going on”

him: “if you wanna know, I’ll tell you… my mother passed away on Saturday. For this reason, I will stay here until the end of the month”

and then my condolences message (he still hasnt read it)

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

So I asked how is was doing and he told me “Well… I don’t want to bother you… how was coming back to Germany? And the wedding?”

me: “all good thanks. No worries, you won’t bother me… I am actually quite worried about you, I’d like to know what’s going on”

him: “if you wanna know, I’ll tell you… my mother passed away on Saturday. For this reason, I will stay here until the end of the month”

and then my condolences message (he still hasnt read it)

 

So still nothing on how she died? I find this highly unusual. 

Do you know this man's last name? About your verify the obituary in his city. 

Amanda, I spent 4 years with a man that told me his mother was dead....and she was not. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So still nothing on how she died? I find this highly unusual. 

Do you know this man's last name? About your verify the obituary in his city. 

Amanda, I spent 4 years with a man that told me his mother was dead....and she was not. 

Agree it does sound a bit fishy. 

What I don't get is now that we know what happened, why the heck couldn't he just tell you?  Instead of making it this big mystery?

A simple, "My mom just passed, I am needing to head back to Spain for a bit."

Versus:

"I will tell you about it, now it's not the right time."

I dunno, people are weird, including myself about some things, so not gonna judge, I am sure he had his reasons.

Thank you for updating Amanda, I have been wondering, and hope it all works out the way you hope.

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Amanda141]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Agree it does sound a bit fishy. 

What I don't get is now that we know what happened, why the heck couldn't he just tell you?  Instead of making it this big mystery?

A si

Versus:

"I will tell you about it, now it's not the right time."

I dunno, people are weird, including myself about some things, so not gonna judge, I am sure he had his reasons.

Thank you for updating Amanda, I have been wondering, and hope it all works out the way you hop

UPDATE

 He said “We just met, that's why I didn't want to tell you anything...besides, you had your cousin's wedding. But well...my mother had cancer.... I knew she was going to die sooner or later...but so soon I didn't expect it...now my boss told me that I can stay with my family until the end of September...but save me the Milan magnet” (I had bought a fridge magnet for you while in Italy)

 

i checked online (I know his last name and town) and it’s actually true  I sent another message for support and that’s it. I won’t text him for a few days, leaving him his time and privacy in this sad moment.

thanks a lot for your messages guys

[Sun Seeker]

At first I thought this guy is a complete weirdo for the whole keeping it a mystery thing, but I can see why he did it.

It seems he figured if he told you the truth, it would somehow preoccupy your mind with worry about him while you were at the wedding, and may stop you from enjoying yourself as much as you should, so he wanted to wait till you came back.

He did what he thought was the best thing for YOU, which shows he cares about you.

Only problem off course is the not knowing was what preoccupied your mind regardless!

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

UPDATE

 He said “We just met, that's why I didn't want to tell you anything...besides, you had your cousin's wedding. But well...my mother had cancer.... I knew she was going to die sooner or later...but so soon I didn't expect it...now my boss told me that I can stay with my family until the end of September...but save me the Milan magnet” (I had bought a fridge magnet for you while in Italy)

 

i checked online (I know his last name and town) and it’s actually true  I sent another message for support and that’s it. I won’t text him for a few days, leaving him his time and privacy in this sad moment.

thanks a lot for your messages guys

Sounds legit to me Amanda.   He's a good guy, and you sound like a very caring person too.

Again, I hope it all works out. 

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

This is truly sad and often those life tragic events have a way of changing people's perspective on life in general, their own life and mortality. If he is not seeking to communicate with you just let him be. 

Edited September 14, 2021 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

He did what he thought was the best thing for YOU, which shows he cares about you.

I don't know about that. 

Would you be able to date someone, be intimate with them, and never say a word about your dying mother? I wouldn't. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't get how telling you his mom had cancer would ruin YOUR day. Sorry, don't get it. 

[princessaurora]

How sad for him.  That's why I kept saying we shouldn't villify him. I,  like you had a feeling, it had nothing to do with you and I'm glad I was right:)

I would allow him this time to grieve. Losing a parent is one of the hardest experiences a person can go through. it was sweet to show your support and when he's ready to talk, I'm sure he'll reach out. 

[poppyfields]

They have had five (5) dates.  

I can actually relate to him because I am very hesitant to burden a new man I am dating with personal issues, or something sensitive I am dealing with.

With the last man I dated, the lawyer, it was my birthday two weeks after I met him and I NEVER even mentioned it.  It was too soon and did not want HIM to feel pressured into buying me something or having to celebrate. The day came and went.  And yes I was thinking of HIM.

I NEVER told him about my dying brother either.  Again, it was too early in (we only dated for a couple of months) and did not want to burden HIM with what I was going though.  I was dealing with it just fine by myself.  I felt to burden him with it would place too much pressure on our new, at that time, blossoming relationship.

I think it's important to accept that people are different and deal with things in different ways when it comes to privacy and personal matters.

There is no wrong or right.  Only what's right for us, and what we feel comfortable sharing.

Amanda accepts this about him and good for her.  

That is all that matters.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP is as "burdened" now as she would have been had he not done the "I can't tell you for your own good" routine.

Mom is sick--that's all he had to say. And he said it eventually--so the delay didn't accomplish anything. 

 

[Agentra]

I think a lot of you are reaching too far and coming up with bonkers accusations.. To me this is perfectly understandable. My mother had cancer as well and no I did not tell the guy I'd just started dating, hell no. My mum was sick, weak, broken and devastated, as was our family. 

My mum survived, we got really lucky. His didn't, and apparently he'd known for a while that she'd pass. And the way he deals with it is for none of you to judge. 

Edited September 15, 2021 by Agentra

[ExpatInItaly]

Now you can put your mind to rest, Amanda. 

You have offered your kind thoughts, and he knows where to find you. He will get in touch when he's ready. 

[d0nnivain]

Like you I am truly sorry that his mom died.  However, his approach rubbed me the wrong way.  Not saying anything at all I can understand.  It's the telling you that he has something important to tell you but withholding the details until after your wedding away is the part I don't like.  It's as though he didn't understand that the "teaser" which set your mind racing was worse than telling you. 

The death of a loved one is tough to process.  There are no right or wrong ways to grieve.  

I'm gonna go with his heart was in the right place.  He didn't tell you because he was trying to be considerate but I still don't like his approach.  Assuming you know his postal address, send a condolence card but I agree hanging back for a week or two is your best play.  Understand he may not be emotionally available to date for a while.  My EX shut down for over a year after his mom died. I was a mess for 4 years after my parents died  I would not have had the wherewithal to date & grieve simultaneously.