stillafool Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 14 hours ago, Amanda141 said: i hate this suspance. It totally ruined my night. I would just forget about him and his mystery until he contacts and explains. In the meantime I'd go out and have fun and hopefully meet new men. You haven't even known him that long to let this upset you this way. Whatever it is it has nothing to do with you.
Author Amanda141 Posted September 10, 2021 Author Posted September 10, 2021 Yes, the only thing I know for sure is that it has nothing to do with me. It was going so well, even our last date two days ago... he was making plans to see me again and he also asked me to "help him decorate his new flat" !!! So, now I have arrived in Italy and I plan to relax, see my friends and family and attend my cousin's wedding. On Monday, when I will have to go back, I will text him the following: "Hey, thinking about you...hope you're feeling better. I am sorry something serious happened. Just know that I am here for you if you need it. However, I respect your decision if you don't feel like opening up yet, since it's something personal. A kiss" I want to gve him the benefit of the doubt. He showed me pics of his family, he was so good with me... I can't believe there is another woman. But you never know. I will keep you posted Many thanks, Amanda 1
glows Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 I wouldn’t text him at all. He confirmed meeting with you so let him reach out when he’s back. Leaving you with a cliffhanger like that is really quite dumb as it signals someone who doesn’t have the ability to think about the effect it has on others or what full disclosure means. You’ve had a good time so far but you seem way too attached for a short period. My respect for someone who pulls this would drop and so would interest level. My advice is to leave him alone and don’t coddle him. 6
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 13 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: "Hey, thinking about you...hope you're feeling better. I am sorry something serious happened. Just know that I am here for you if you need it. However, I respect your decision if you don't feel like opening up yet, since it's something personal. A kiss" Do not text this. You don't know what his trouble is and you do not know him enough to promise your support. What if he has problem with the law? Do not romance this. He's a stranger. Also do not communicate to him at all ! If you mean anything to him he'll be in touch. I had someone important die while I was in a 3 week relationship and I didn't disappear, lately I had my father go through a life threatening heart surgery and I did not disappear on my 4 weeks boyfriend. Let him show you what he's made of. 7 1
poppyfields Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: On Monday, when I will have to go back, I will text him the following: "Hey, thinking about you...hope you're feeling better. I am sorry something serious happened. Just know that I am here for you if you need it. However, I respect your decision if you don't feel like opening up yet, since it's something personal. A kiss" I do not advise sending that. I mean it sounds lovely but consider why you want to send. To show him what a caring "girlfriend" you'd make? To endear yourself to him? Or to seek reassurance? That's actually quite manipulative. Why can't you respect his privacy and his word that HE will contact you? Like he told you? Why infringe on his boundary? Again, it's self-serving and manipulative, you are sending that for YOU, not him. Think about it. You are not his long time girlfriend Amanda, there is no need to be "there" for him if/when he needs you, in fact it's possible your intensity after only 5 dates is what has caused him to want to distance himself in the first place! It's too much, too over the top, too overwhelming. Leave him be. Live your life. If you want to show him who you are, show him you are an independent person and OK with the distance. And that you respect him enough to allow him his privacy right now. Stop pushing. Stop reaching. Edited September 10, 2021 by poppyfields 4 1
glows Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 I also want to add that his line of reasoning is flawed trying to protect you from the truth or prolong the truth from being revealed, as important or petty as it may be. It’s not the matter unknown at hand that would bother me. It’s the way he approached this issue as a partner. He does not get to call the shots about what’s important or impacts the relationship or not and how long he gets to wait it out. When something like this comes up you both have full disclosure at the time of impact so you work as a team. If you’re going to be a couple at all he hasn’t treated you as an equal or someone he trusts from the get-go. It doesn’t build trust in the long run. If he does correct this when he’s back you may want to vocalize next time not to pull something like this as it’s not welcome. Whatever it is don’t stay mum about it just because he’s low or bothered or upset. See how it goes. 2
poppyfields Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 (edited) [ ] He's allowed his privacy, he is allowed his space without attaching all sorts of negative judgments about his character to it. You have had a mere 5 dates, you are not his 'girlfriend', he is not "obligated" to share whatever is going on with you. He has done nothing "wrong" imo. Of course it would have been nice if he did, to alleviate your anxiety and give you reassurance, but for whatever reasons, he chose not to. He was not ready to. [ ] Edited September 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Civility 3
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: He's allowed his privacy, he is allowed his space without attaching all sorts of negative judgments about his character to it. Then he needs to shut up about it and not tell her something 'important' happened, something that 'effect him' and he'll tell her about it upon his return. If he wants to benefit from his entitled privacy then he shuts up, says something came up and he needs to move the date to the following week. 6
poppyfields Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Then he needs to shut up about it and not tell her something 'important' happened, something that 'effect him' and he'll tell her about it upon his return. If he wants to benefit from his entitled privacy then he shuts up, says something came up and he needs to move the date to the following week. Ok fair enough but not sure what difference the wording makes. Saying "something came up" is still going to net the same reaction, imo. It's still elusive and ambiguous. But let's ask Amanda. Amanda, would you have felt better if he simply said "something came up, need to postpone date till next week." To me, that sounds just as ambiguous. Just my take. Edited September 10, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Author Amanda141 Posted September 10, 2021 Author Posted September 10, 2021 (edited) Poppy, I agree with you! Now I’ll enjoy my weekend away and see what happens. Probably if I were him I would have added some general message like “a family matter came up” or “I had some trouble with the law”, rather than leaving me with the suspence, but maybe it’s harmful to keep speculating about what happened. I have to realise it’s only 5 dates so I would try not to think about it Edited September 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed edited quote 1 1
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 @Amanda141 Do you usually communicate every day?
Author Amanda141 Posted September 10, 2021 Author Posted September 10, 2021 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Ok fair enough but not sure what difference the wording makes. Saying "something came up" is still going to net the same reaction, imo. It's still elusive and ambiguous. But let's ask Amanda. Amanda, would you have felt better if he simply said "something came up, need to postpone date till next week." To me, that sounds just as ambiguous. Just my take. Yes, it wouldn’t have made any difference. I would have preferred at least the broad topic (family/law/money ecc) but since we are not girlfriend and boyfriend I can’t expect too much
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 I'm thinking: Can you see his FB? If it was a family matter like an accident, illness, death, you would see some activity to that effect.
Author Amanda141 Posted September 10, 2021 Author Posted September 10, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: @Amanda141 Do you usually communicate every day? Usually yes (a few messages before/after work), but having taken into consideration what happened (the mysterious big issue that led him to go back home from one day to another) I don’t think we will text this weekend. I think Monday/Tuesday for sure... I would first wait for him to message me, following your advice 2
Author Amanda141 Posted September 10, 2021 Author Posted September 10, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I'm thinking: Can you see his FB? If it was a family matter like an accident, illness, death, you would see some activity to that effect. He only has instagram but he rarely updates it
stillafool Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Amanda141 said: I want to gve him the benefit of the doubt. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt do as he says and wait until he gets back, contacts you and explains what happened. Until then do nothing. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 (edited) I wouldn’t text him anything, OP. He will get in touch if he wants, and as the others pointed out, you barely know him. It’s not wise to overdo the supportive role when you don’t actually know him well. In the meantime…dove sei in Italia? Io abito a Roma! Bentornata! Edited September 10, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
Calmandfocused Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Amanda141 said: "Hey, thinking about you...hope you're feeling better. I am sorry something serious happened. Just know that I am here for you if you need it. However, I respect your decision if you don't feel like opening up yet, since it's something personal. A kiss" Translation: “You are free to treat me anyway you like and I will be here for you. I believe everything you say and I will wait for you as long as you need”. No! Hell no! Do not send that text. Do not send any text. To do so makes you look desperate. 4
princessaurora Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 I don't think there's anything wrong with you sending a sweet simple message after the weekend. You were intimate with him, so to me it seems strange that you wouldn't reach out to him at all. But keep it very simple. The only thing you're trying to accomplish here is that you care about his well-being. I would just say " thinking of you and hope you are well." Nothing more @Amanda141. I hate how so many people here are trying to paint him as a villain because he didn't disclose details. Like @poppyfieldssaid he has a right to his privacy. It may be something he's embarrassed about or doesn't want to be judged on such as a relative overdosing on drugs or possibly even hurting someone. No one knows what's going on with him. It's not fair for us to make assumptions and stress you out further. But I don't feel it's going to hurt to show him you care. Just do so without prying. Have a great time in Italy and if you're still feeling inclined I would just send a few word message upon your return. 2
bene Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: Then he needs to shut up about it and not tell her something 'important' happened, something that 'effect him' and he'll tell her about it upon his return. Wouldn’t it be even stranger not to tell OP that he flew to Spain? I’d be puzzled if he was suddenly in another country without telling anything. I’d give him benefit of a doubt, it’s probably something related to not him directly but other people (family or friends) that is a too long story to tell by text to someone who he has dated for a month. But I agree that OP shouldn’t contact him but wait and see.
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 11 minutes ago, bene said: Wouldn’t it be even stranger not to tell OP that he flew to Spain? I’d be puzzled if he was suddenly in another country without telling anything. Spain is his country of origin so no, to me it would not be puzzling he needs to get back home to take care of a couple of things. He confirmed it was related to him by saying *it affected him* and *he needed to calm down*.
Snow_Queen Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 The best thing you can do is be patient and wait it out. No doubt it will be hard considering he left you hanging but I concur that texting him isn’t a good move. I believe it’s a personal matter he doesn’t want you (or maybe anyone) to know about. Could be a financial crisis, legal issues…no one can say. Reaching out to offer support may only increase his stress levels right now.
JRabbit Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 (edited) My guess was immigration issue? I will admit I thought a wife in another country....if he even actually left the country...but I just listened to the Dr. Death season 3 podcast so I'm a bit paranoid about this lol Edited September 10, 2021 by JRabbit
SoulCat Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 1 hour ago, JRabbit said: My guess was immigration issue? Unlikely. EU citizens have Freedom of Movement, meaning they have the right to live and work in any of the 27 EU countries.
Lotsgoingon Posted September 11, 2021 Posted September 11, 2021 Absolutely don't volunteer that "I am here." That's nuts. You have no idea what kind of trouble he is facing. My gut says it might be a legal problem, as in legal trouble he's in. I don't think this is typical family matter (like mom being sick) either. Could be a family matter as in someone in his family is about to get arrested. That would justify some of that vagueness. I actually find his cancellation and then this vague alarming statement with no calming details--I find all of that to be a red flag. Look, these talks people talk about everything. My job has a crisis, and I have to go deal with it. A good friend of mine is in trouble. My brother is really struggling. We have ways these days of telling people what is going on so they can rest their minds. I'm thinking legal trouble or major financial trouble (which could be connected to legal trouble). BTW: that "I don't want to ruin your weekend" is absolutely totally dumb. Look how crazily curious you are--of course you are curious. You let someone enjoy their weekend by giving them enough detail so they can push all worries aside. Stop this "I'm here." Note to you: that NEVER works. NEVER. I have NEVER been attracted to someone because they told me "I'm here." I'm more attracted if they have their own life and good energy and they get on with that. You don't know him enough to know what "I'm here for you" could possibly mean. If he's in legal trouble, you willing to contribute bail money? If he's about to be evicted, you ready to loan him a few thousand dollars? 2
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