Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 Hi all I (Female, 24) have been dating this guy (29 years old) for a month and a half. We live in the same city, but we matched on Tinder while we were both on holidays so we texted for three weeks and then finally met. So far we have been on five amazing dates, the last one was actually last night and it went wonderfully. Towards the end of, it he was already asking me to meet again. (Actually he has been asking me out 4 times of out 5). We are in Germany but this weekend I will fly back to my country (Italy) for a wedding. Since I am back on Monday, he proposed "well, if you want you can come to my house straight from the airport and then the following day you can do homeoffice from my flat". He kissed me goodbye and then texted me as soon as he got home. So, I thought things were going great! We have already been intimate (last week) and I stayed over to sleep. He is very affectionate, cute, doesn't multi-date and has been single since April. He told me he likes me a lot and he is not looking for something casual (we only kissed on the 3rd date, and for example yesterday we had dinner together but nothing sexual and asks a lot of things about me and my life. We are very similar.). So, today comes the problem. Half an hour ago I message him "hey how was your day?" He: "Hey! Actually quiet bad. I am flying to Spain tomorrow, I don't know when I will be back yet" (Spain is his home country) Me: "What happened?" Him: "I will tell you about it, now it's not the right time. Have fun at the wedding! I will see you when we both are back." Me: "Okay no worries. I hope it's nothing serious and that you are fine" Him: "Yes, I am fine. Me: "Hope to see you soon" Him: "Of course! I don't want to be dramatic, but I am going back because it's something serious and it affects me. I don't want you to worry, because I want you to have a nice weekend. We'll talk when you get back and I'll tell you when I'm calmer." Me "Sure, no worries" --- What do you think it could be? I was thinking maybe someone dear died... Bear in mind that he has a full time job here and cannot do homeworking, because his job requires him to be at the place. His ex doesn't live in Spain so I don't think it's related to that (also, I dont reckon he would leave so quickly for that reason). How should I behave? Should I text him this weekend or maybe on Monday? I really didnt expect this I am so unlucky with guys, for once that everything was going great....
ShyViolet Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 This is a guy who you have been on five dates with. This is not a guy who you know well or who you are in a serious relationship with. Just leave him alone and give him the space that he needs. When he is ready he will reach out to you and tell you what's going on. 2
introverted1 Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 Sounds like a family crisis and I think all you can/should do is wait to hear from him. Possibly if you have not hear from him by Monday you can reach out with a short "thinking of you" type text, but I would not press for details. 1
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: This is a guy who you have been on five dates with. This is not a guy who you know well or who you are in a serious relationship with. Just leave him alone and give him the space that he needs. When he is ready he will reach out to you and tell you what's going on. Yes it’s right. That’s why I didn’t insist on asking what happened. I don’t wanna be pushy.. but do you think it’s okay to ask him if he’s better on sunday/monday? Or text him when I am back? Or should I just wait for him
stillafool Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 39 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: Him: "I will tell you about it, now it's not the right time. Have fun at the wedding! I will see you when we both are back." I would follow this and wait. 1
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 Thank you. I am really sorry for him and I hope he can be better soon..
Gaeta Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 If it was a death or accident in the family, it's pretty forward he would have said so and not play this guessing game. It's not a family matter l can tell you that much. I would not reach to him, what is that gonna accomplish? More guessing game? Nah.. 4
Wiseman2 Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Amanda141 said: Him: "I will tell you about it, now it's not the right time. Have fun at the wedding! I will see you when we both are back." Me: "Okay no worries. I hope it's nothing serious and that you are fine" You responded well. Give him space. It's unclear what the big mystery is. Edited September 9, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 @Gaeta mm then what do you think it is? I have been thinking about it and also some friends of mine say that it could be that a member of his family had an accident and, since we have only been on 5 dates and aren’t in a relationship yet, he’s not comfortable to “melt down” and open up just yet, as the matter has just happened. I was thinking of texting him on Monday “Hey, I was thinking about you. I hope you are better and know that I’m here for you if you want it” what do you think? it must be something really serious to go back home after having just signed off your new rent’s contract and having a fill time on-site iob
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 Also I forgot to underline that when I said “Hope you are fine” he replied “Yes I am fine” but since we text in Spanish, in this language you can omit the “I” . However, he used the subject “I”, like underlying that yes, he’s all right but someone might not be
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 (edited) 35 minutes ago, Gaeta said: If it was a death or accident in the family, it's pretty forward he would have said so and not play this guessing game. It's not a family matter l can tell you that much. I agree. That was my interpretation of it as well. I find it odd that he would hint that it's serious but then say nothing more, other than he will talk to you when he's calmer. I think he's trying to warn you that you might not like what you hear, OP. I have a bad feeling it involves another woman. I would not reach out to him, personally. You don't know him that well, and he knows how to find you if he wants to share. Edited September 9, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 3 1
poppyfields Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 (edited) Amanda41, whatever it is, it's clear he does not want you knowing about it. My gut feeling says there may be another woman involved - an ex, a current gf, a wife? Trust me, stuff like this does happen, people living separate lives, having different personas and façades, etc. Especially when you meet on line, and Tinder of all places? While on holiday? Another reason why I dislike on-line, and have learned to take it with a grain of salt. Anyway, I think if it were anything but a family or friend situation, he would have told you, there would be no reason for him not to. But since he hasn't told you and clearly does not want to tell you, I would assume it involves another woman, and DO nothing. Except maybe start talking to and meeting other men..... It's only been 5 dates after all, a mere blip. And no exclusivity. Yeah, try and put it out of your mind and simply live your life same as you did before you met him, and wait for him to contact you. Edited September 9, 2021 by poppyfields 1 1
spiderowl Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 24 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: @Gaeta mm then what do you think it is? I have been thinking about it and also some friends of mine say that it could be that a member of his family had an accident and, since we have only been on 5 dates and aren’t in a relationship yet, he’s not comfortable to “melt down” and open up just yet, as the matter has just happened. I was thinking of texting him on Monday “Hey, I was thinking about you. I hope you are better and know that I’m here for you if you want it” what do you think? it must be something really serious to go back home after having just signed off your new rent’s contract and having a fill time on-site iob I would bear in mind that he is Spanish and different cultures have different expectations when dealing with family emergencies (if that's what it is). He may not want to say in case it spoils your fun at the wedding. 1
poppyfields Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I would bear in mind that he is Spanish and different cultures have different expectations when dealing with family emergencies (if that's what it is). He may not want to say in case it spoils your fun at the wedding. I would think keeping her in suspense leaving her to think or suspect god only knows what would spoil her fun much more so than being up front and truthful about a family situation. But let's hope you're right and that's what it is... Fingers crossed it all works out Amanda, keep us posted! Edited September 9, 2021 by poppyfields 3
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 Thank you all for the replies, so appreciated To clarify somethings: - I said we matched while on holiday but I think it was a bug from Tinder. Like, we both live in the same German city and we both left the same day for our holidays, maybe Tinder is not super up to dated and showed me his profile cause in Germany we were nearby - He has been living here one year (like me) and always had this job (no homeworking option). He told me he has two exes: none of them live in Spain - Personally, I think it’s an accident but I agree that keeping me in suspance is not fun and it will defo spoil my weekend. However, it’s always nice to hear different opinions. Let’s see what happens... I’d say he doesn’t have a second life but you never know. i wouldnt just understand why he was making all of these plans with me if he had another woman? Before knowing he had to go home for some days, he asked me to go straight from the airport to his house on Monday when I get back I will keep you posted thanks a lot!!
Gaeta Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 36 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: @Gaeta mm then what do you think it is? I have been thinking about it and also some friends of mine say that it could be that a member of his family had an accident and, since we have only been on 5 dates and aren’t in a relationship yet, he’s not comfortable to “melt down” and open up just yet, as the matter has just happened. I was thinking of texting him on Monday “Hey, I was thinking about you. I hope you are better and know that I’m here for you if you want it” what do you think? it must be something really serious to go back home after having just signed off your new rent’s contract and having a fill time on-site iob It's not a family matter and he did not spare you a melt down. Any person with a family matter would have said I have to head back home concerning a family matter. No need to open up. Yes it must be something serious and I agree with poppyfields he doesn't want you to know AND promissing to tell you upon his return also gives him time to come up with a viable story to tell you. You don't know this man, he may be dealing with an unfinish divorce, he may have children you don't know about, he may even gotten a phone call that he got someone pregnant. My gut feeling tells me he'll return and tell you he's not ready for a relationship. Do not reach to him. 4
Gaeta Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 22 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I would bear in mind that he is Spanish and different cultures have different expectations when dealing with family emergencies (if that's what it is). He may not want to say in case it spoils your fun at the wedding. I don't see how that would spoil her fun at the wedding, she doesn't know these people.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 17 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I would think keeping her in suspense leaving her to think or suspect god only knows what would spoil her fun much more so than being up front and truthful about a family situation. Yeah, exactly. It's like the, "We need to talk"-line. But then "...just not right now. Have a great weekend, toodles!" That is guaranteed to trigger nearly anyone's anxiety. 5 1
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 Yes, it’s not fun to tell me “something serious happened... but i will tell you another time ” . Pf... i really hope you guys are wrong and he will tell me something different than “we need to talk, i am not ready for a relationship” especially because he is/was the one pursuing me and always asking me out. i feel sad cause for once that everything was going smoothly... something has to happen. I have a good life in general but with love I appear to have zero luck
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I don't see how that would spoil her fun at the wedding, she doesn't know these people. Maybe in a sense that if I know, for instance, that his sister had a serious car accident and he (which is a person I care about) is devastated, then I will be sad too. But I dont really understand
Gaeta Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Amanda141 said: Him: "Of course! I don't want to be dramatic, but I am going back because it's something serious and it affects me. I don't want you to worry, because I want you to have a nice weekend. We'll talk when you get back and I'll tell you when I'm calmer." That sounds 'mad/frustrated' to me more than 'sad/worried'. 2
Author Amanda141 Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That sounds 'mad/frustrated' to me more than 'sad/worried'. i hate this suspance. It totally ruined my night.
Ami1uwant Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 6 hours ago, Amanda141 said: Yes it’s right. That’s why I didn’t insist on asking what happened. I don’t wanna be pushy.. but do you think it’s okay to ask him if he’s better on sunday/monday? Or text him when I am back? Or should I just wait for him he will talk about this later. Didn’t want to get into the details. Or thus could be a lie and hefeltit was too soon to meet family/ friends after dating a month or so.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 6 hours ago, Amanda141 said: i hate this suspance. It totally ruined my night. That's precisely why I don't think he was trying to not spoil your weekend by not telling you what is happening. He had to have known that hinting at some big drama would make you concerned.
Wiseman2 Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 9 hours ago, Amanda141 said: i hate this suspance. It totally ruined my night. Because there's no reason for it. Even if it's a vacation fling and you're not dating long, what's the big deal telling the truth? Don't let it bother you. You barely know him. Enjoy your weekend and make sure you talk to other men and have a good time. It sounds like he's coming up with this crap to string you along so if/when he returns from this mystery visit he'll have continued access to no-strings sex. Do not contact him. Instead assume it's over and start talking to and meeting other men. 1
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