Worth calling a lady to check if partner is inappropriately texting?

[spiderowl]

It seems you have been regularly leaving your partner to get away because he is grieving.  I can imagine it is very difficult to be with someone who is perpetually sad but he is likely to be depressed too.  Have you tried to be supportive to him?

Regardless of his situation, he should never try to stop you from leaving.  The fact that he felt he needed to do that shows a lot about your current relationship, i.e. that it is on the rocks.

It seems you are both seeking an 'out' and seeking comfort elsewhere, even if you are only leaving him to get away from his grieving state.  At this point, it hardly matters whether he is in touch with or seeing anyone else.  You don't seem to care enough about him or want to be with him, so what's the point in pursuing this grievance with him?  Why not just separate and go your own way?

As far as I can see, if you went away for a month to avoid his grieving, the relationship is already finished.  You just need to separate your financial and practical affairs.

Why do you feel you need proof he is interested in another woman?  You don't need that to leave.

Additional note: Having read further through your thread, it is clear that you do not want to be with this guy and are looking for an excuse to get out.  You don't need an excuse, being unhappy and him having tried to prevent you from leaving is reason enough.  Him threatening suicide is not your responsibility but you were wise to alert authorities.  Contacting the other woman is a total red herring and irrelevant.  You do not have to justify yourself to him if you are unhappy and want out.

Edited September 9, 2021 by spiderowl

[Ready2quit]

5 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It seems you have been regularly leaving your partner to get away because he is grieving.  I can imagine it is very difficult to be with someone who is perpetually sad but he is likely to be depressed too.  Have you tried to be supportive to him?

Regardless of his situation, he should never try to stop you from leaving.  The fact that he felt he needed to do that shows a lot about your current relationship, i.e. that it is on the rocks.

It seems you are both seeking an 'out' and seeking comfort elsewhere, even if you are only leaving him to get away from his grieving state.  At this point, it hardly matters whether he is in touch with or seeing anyone else.  You don't seem to care enough about him or want to be with him, so what's the point in pursuing this grievance with him?  Why not just separate and go your own way?

As far as I can see, if you went away for a month to avoid his grieving, the relationship is already finished.  You just need to separate your financial and practical affairs.

Why do you feel you need proof he is interested in another woman?  You don't need that to leave.

Additional note: Having read further through your thread, it is clear that you do not want to be with this guy and are looking for an excuse to get out.  You don't need an excuse, being unhappy and him having tried to prevent you from leaving is reason enough.  Him threatening suicide is not your responsibility but you were wise to alert authorities.  Contacting the other woman is a total red herring and irrelevant.  You do not have to justify yourself to him if you are unhappy and want out.

That’s a really insightful post. Thank you 

I thought about it last night and you’re all right .. it just wouldn’t feel right. I’ve never been the type to have to do this and being matter of fact about it now to prove I’m not making a mistake over something innocent is not important. Nor is it the way to find out whether he is simply a great manipulator, in which case I would cut him off completely 

The real issue had been that he took his stresses out on me verbally and was so engrossed in his issues he forgot that caring for each other was a two way street, so I left him.

i have decided to stay a friend to him and visit occasionally as I know this would make it easier. That would show support and he would feel encouraged as I ensured he was getting more regular treatment and monitored medications so he would stop misusing 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Ready2quit said:

i have decided to stay a friend to him and visit occasionally as I know this would make it easier. That would show support and he would feel encouraged as I ensured he was getting more regular treatment and monitored medications so he would stop misusing 

I know you're trying to be thoughtful, but given that he doesn't want to break up, this is a really bad idea.  Not only will your continued presence in his life prevent him from moving on, but he may well start to see you as 'breadcrumbing' him. 

Further, he's a grown man and having you around acting like a mother to a 10yo is only enabling him. 

Lastly, does he even want you as a friend?  Many of us find "let's be friends" after an unwanted breakup to be a really selfish suggestion. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by basil67

[Ready2quit]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I know you're trying to be thoughtful, but given that he doesn't want to break up, this is a really bad idea.  Not only will your continued presence in his life prevent him from moving on, but he may well start to see you as 'breadcrumbing' him. 

Further, he's a grown man and having you around acting like a mother to a 10yo is only enabling him. 

Lastly, does he even want you as a friend?  Many of us find "let's be friends" after an unwanted breakup to be a really selfish suggestion. 

I’m not sure what breadcrumbing is? 

After he tried to beg me to come back when I visited him on Fathers Day upon his request, I firmly denied. He then asked me if I could visit him or see him where convenient for me occasionally. He’s not asking for intimacy so I agreed.
Knowing he is grieving and far from family and close friends, plus his suicide attempts, have made me agree to brief visits. I specified “friends only” and he’s happy with that. Maximum once a week but then I’ll distance the visits further 

[basil67]

Breadcrumbing refers to the dumper leaving crumbs (occasional contact, friendship, support) which makes the dumpee think they may be interested in reconciliation.  While this may not be your intent, many many people who want their partner back view occasional contact and support as breadcrumbing.   Then they end up feeling (rightly or wrongly) mislead by the dumper.   We see so many dumpees here who are angry about supposed breadcrumbs left by a dumper.

Given his state of mind, it's almost a given that he is going to start seeing your continued support as a sign that you may be interested.  I know that you said it won't happen, but it doesn't mean he won't read more into it.   If you stay in his life, it will be harder for him.

And again, there is still the issue that you're enabling him.  How will he learn to look after himself if you're there supporting him to do it?

[Ready2quit]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

Breadcrumbing refers to the dumper leaving crumbs (occasional contact, friendship, support) which makes the dumpee think they may be interested in reconciliation.  While this may not be your intent, many many people who want their partner back view occasional contact and support as breadcrumbing.   Then they end up feeling (rightly or wrongly) mislead by the dumper.   We see so many dumpees here who are angry about supposed breadcrumbs left by a dumper.

Given his state of mind, it's almost a given that he is going to start seeing your continued support as a sign that you may be interested.  I know that you said it won't happen, but it doesn't mean he won't read more into it.   If you stay in his life, it will be harder for him.

And again, there is still the issue that you're enabling him.  How will he learn to look after himself if you're there supporting him to do it?

I see what you mean. Last night I had seen him  upon request for dinner and watch footy (at our unit) 

he brought up the relationship even during the footy and seems to think it’s only space for a few weeks etc but I had to say again it’s a break up. He told me about the improvement programs he was already on which were great to see.. and then wants to hear whether I’ll get back with him for sure down the track when he’s better. I said again I can’t promise anything but he should just focus on continuing to get better. He seems to think being healthier is only worth it if we’ll be together 

I suggested he may even meet someone else and he fired off and got so upset saying I hurt him but I was trying to make him think positively.. argh this is hard.
I told him I was only there for support but it’s stressing him out more so better not have catch ups, yet he says that will make him feel worse 

 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Ready2quit said:

I see what you mean. Last night I had seen him  upon request for dinner and watch footy (at our unit) 

he brought up the relationship even during the footy and seems to think it’s only space for a few weeks etc but I had to say again it’s a break up.

You can say anything you want, but the fact remains you went on a dinner date with him.  

I know you think you are being kind because he is so far away from family but it's cruel to be kind.  You are giving this man false hope.  He's also no without options.  Once you stick to your guns, he will turn to that woman you want to go talking to.   Stop babying him.  Either break it off completely & walk away or get back together but stop this mixed message BS you are doing that keeps you both tethered to this dysfunctional mess.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Ready2quit said:

I told him I was only there for support but it’s stressing him out more so better not have catch ups, yet he says that will make him feel worse 

Yep, he will make assumptions based on your actions rather than words.  Yes, it might make him feel worse if you remove yourself from his life, but staying in his life isn't doing any good either.  

Time to cut the cord.

[Ready2quit]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You can say anything you want, but the fact remains you went on a dinner date with him.  

I know you think you are being kind because he is so far away from family but it's cruel to be kind.  You are giving this man false hope.  He's also no without options.  Once you stick to your guns, he will turn to that woman you want to go talking to.   Stop babying him.  Either break it off completely & walk away or get back together but stop this mixed message BS you are doing that keeps you both tethered to this dysfunctional mess.  

It wasn’t a date .. I specified seeing him but just on a friendly basis. I went to the unit we had shared 

he has blocked that girl because he was upset I took it so wrong as he meant nothing by it 

now he’s putting a comment on my Facebook post .. ie someone mentioned something to do with dj’ing and he put under it that we would want so and so music at our wedding 

 

[basil67]

56 minutes ago, Ready2quit said:

he put under it that we would want so and so music at our wedding

At which point, you need to block him.  Or publicly respond that you've broken up and there will be no wedding. 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Ready2quit said:

It wasn’t a date .. I specified seeing him but just on a friendly basis. I went to the unit we had shared 

he has blocked that girl because he was upset I took it so wrong as he meant nothing by it 

now he’s putting a comment on my Facebook post .. ie someone mentioned something to do with dj’ing and he put under it that we would want so and so music at our wedding 

 

You keep saying it wasn't a date but it was.  He thinks that whatever is going on is just a bump in the road on your way to marriage.  

[NuevoYorko]

It seems like you are just asking the same questions repeatedly in case someone posts what you want to hear.

You begin by calling him your "partner" and soon progress to saying that you are broken up.

To the original topic:  No, of course you should not contact a woman who you think that your EX might be communicating with.  He's single.

But you're still dating and feeling like his problems, social interactions etc. are your business.  

Time to move on.

[stillafool]

On 9/10/2021 at 6:14 PM, Ready2quit said:

but I had to say again it’s a break up.

If so you start acting like it and leave him alone to get over you.  Don't dangle carrots like going to dinner, just let him be if you really want a break up.

[glows]

On 9/10/2021 at 3:14 PM, Ready2quit said:

I see what you mean. Last night I had seen him  upon request for dinner and watch footy (at our unit) 

he brought up the relationship even during the footy and seems to think it’s only space for a few weeks etc but I had to say again it’s a break up. He told me about the improvement programs he was already on which were great to see.. and then wants to hear whether I’ll get back with him for sure down the track when he’s better. I said again I can’t promise anything but he should just focus on continuing to get better. He seems to think being healthier is only worth it if we’ll be together 

I suggested he may even meet someone else and he fired off and got so upset saying I hurt him but I was trying to make him think positively.. argh this is hard.
I told him I was only there for support but it’s stressing him out more so better not have catch ups, yet he says that will make him feel worse 

 

This will get harder as time goes on and it'll also prevent you from spending time meeting other men to find a relationship that's more fulfilling.

[Ready2quit]

4 hours ago, glows said:

This will get harder as time goes on and it'll also prevent you from spending time meeting other men to find a relationship that's more fulfilling.

True. Well at least he stopped contacting. Likely to see if I’ll check in on him because of the anniversary of his dads death coming up, which I know will be really hard for him.

He used to always initiate contact so I won’t do it to confuse him. 

A day ago I was at the beach he knew I go to and saw him by chance scouting the whole place and then leaving. (I was in a hard to spot section). He just needs time to move on I think