Redpilled Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 On 9/8/2021 at 5:19 AM, Classicfiction said: Isn't that messing with someone's free will? Yes, so do lot's of things. Think of free will as a spectrum rather than something you have or you don't, but you always have some. The reality is that a lot of people want to be lied to, because doing so allows them to indulge the fantasy for a period of time. This is why people still fall for romance scams even though they are so blindly obvious. Low IQ and low self esteem increase the probability someone will fall for them, but ultimately people allow themselves to be fooled. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Redpilled said: Yes, so do lot's of things. Think of free will as a spectrum rather than something you have or you don't, but you always have some. The reality is that a lot of people want to be lied to, because doing so allows them to indulge the fantasy for a period of time. This is why people still fall for romance scams even though they are so blindly obvious. Low IQ and low self esteem increase the probability someone will fall for them, but ultimately people allow themselves to be fooled. So honestly I can see now that there is always a way to get out from underneath something and so you are right. But for a long time I literally could not see a way out and it made me feel hopeless. Emotional abuse does cause changes in people, it can change your brain chemistry and even make it to where certain parts don't ever fully develop. But I have realized that I need to take positive action to make my life better and hold on to that glimmer of hope. I feel good right now and motivated. Hopefully when I do start dating again, I'll be more inclined to lean toward mentally healthy guys. Clearly I need to be as mentally healthy as I can be in order for that to happen, so that's my goal. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted November 23, 2021 Author Posted November 23, 2021 Just a journaling entry here. I was able to move out of my parent's house, thank God. Though my mom did state to me very aggressively "its your money but I control it." Which I just have to deal with because if she doesnt have control over some part of my life she attacks me. In any case thats not the main reason for this post. Recently I had a conversation with my mom. She called me up and started telling me that she has met her soulmate and that its a female poet. She told me that I have to go read her poems and that she is "absolutely infatuated" with this woman. I tried to redirect the conversation but she just kept telling me in this really seductive voice that she is in love with this poet and is completely enamored by her and infatuated. It was very uncomfortable for me. Those are her words.. "in love" "soulmate" "enamored" "infatuated." I know that all of that can be easily explained away as me being too sensitive. But in combination with her intense desire for me to be a lesbian, as well as a constant crossing of my boundaries, it truly felt like a psychic assault. What I think this was about is me taking away her ability to dangle her hand over my thigh in the car. She still has opportunity for that and takes it whenever she gets the chance, but she cant corner me as often in the car or in the house. She cant take her clothes off in front of me anymore either and I think this has translated into conversations on the phone with sexual undertones. Anyway, Im just writing it out in order to deal with it. Of course any advice is welcome.
Author Classicfiction Posted November 23, 2021 Author Posted November 23, 2021 Since this is in the dating section, I'll add.. having to endure this crap from my mom affects my ability to feel secure in any relationship. It makes me feel constantly on edge and fearful of people. Since Ive attracted people like my mom in relationships, I just feel like it will keep happening.
Calmandfocused Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 4 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Just a journaling entry here. I was able to move out of my parent's house, thank God. Though my mom did state to me very aggressively "its your money but I control it." Which I just have to deal with because if she doesnt have control over some part of my life she attacks me. In any case thats not the main reason for this post. Recently I had a conversation with my mom. She called me up and started telling me that she has met her soulmate and that its a female poet. She told me that I have to go read her poems and that she is "absolutely infatuated" with this woman. I tried to redirect the conversation but she just kept telling me in this really seductive voice that she is in love with this poet and is completely enamored by her and infatuated. It was very uncomfortable for me. Those are her words.. "in love" "soulmate" "enamored" "infatuated." I know that all of that can be easily explained away as me being too sensitive. But in combination with her intense desire for me to be a lesbian, as well as a constant crossing of my boundaries, it truly felt like a psychic assault. What I think this was about is me taking away her ability to dangle her hand over my thigh in the car. She still has opportunity for that and takes it whenever she gets the chance, but she cant corner me as often in the car or in the house. She cant take her clothes off in front of me anymore either and I think this has translated into conversations on the phone with sexual undertones. Anyway, Im just writing it out in order to deal with it. Of course any advice is welcome. Class I’m going to ask you a very direct question, mainly to help with your journey: Are you a victim of child sexual abuse? I sense the answer is yes, and what’s more she’s still sexually abusing you. This is an example of boundary violation between patent and child. Forget what she is or isn’t for a moment and focus on you! What’s happening to you is very very wrong and you need to keep yourself safe physically and emotionally first and foremost. This means getting away from your mother. Put yourself first and your emotional health and recovery. Once you start to heal yourself, you can then focus on your relationship with her. But at that point you may not care. FWIW if you ever have children, never ever let your be mother alone with them. She sounds very unwell to me.
Author Classicfiction Posted November 23, 2021 Author Posted November 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Class I’m going to ask you a very direct question, mainly to help with your journey: Are you a victim of child sexual abuse? I sense the answer is yes, and what’s more she’s still sexually abusing you. This is an example of boundary violation between patent and child. Forget what she is or isn’t for a moment and focus on you! What’s happening to you is very very wrong and you need to keep yourself safe physically and emotionally first and foremost. This means getting away from your mother. Put yourself first and your emotional health and recovery. Once you start to heal yourself, you can then focus on your relationship with her. But at that point you may not care. FWIW if you ever have children, never ever let your be mother alone with them. She sounds very unwell to me. I have children. My mother has had a lot of time with them. She created a story that she would tell them at bedtime where they were heros fighting against an evil little girl in a pink bathing suit. She told them this story for years. Then last year when we were all together for a holiday she was telling this story to them in front of me and concluded the story with: "and the little girl in the pink bathing suit is.. your mother!" As far as sexual abuse, yes. I know there was and I think it was more than one person but I have very foggy memories and a lot of childhood blocked out. I dont know why there are sexual undertones in the way my mom relates to me but its feels absolutely horrible. Im doing everything I can to keep my distance but she has a way of luring me back in by saying things never happened and treating me kindly for a period of time. The kindness is always followed up by something that destroys the trust.. its basically been a repeating pattern for as long as I can remember.
Author Classicfiction Posted November 23, 2021 Author Posted November 23, 2021 Maybe the little girl in the pink bathing suit was me from a specific memory she has of me. And for whatever reason she needed me to be evil. Ive thought of that before... Because the desire to turn my kids against me coming from her was apparent and that story held a lot of intensity... she created years worth of buildup involving my kids in this ongoing story to then reveal to them in front of me that I was this villain. As a child apparently.
Author Classicfiction Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 There is a quote I read in an article that resonates with me.. "Sometimes I can feel her on my skin. I can't explain […] I suppose it's like as if we are some way, we are melted into each other. I scrape and scrape at my skin but I cannot get deep enough into myself to get rid of her." When I moved away the first time years ago she told me it was as if I'd taken one of her arms from her. And I do struggle with gender identity.. somewhere along the line I developed a male persona that comes out under stress. Thats really troubling to me. It makes me feel completely unfeminine and has definitely caused relationships to fail. Whenever Ive had a failed relationship, she'll ask me if I like women yet. She'll say things like "Im not judging your sexuality" and laugh. Its as if the idea of me being with a woman excites her. But everything she says and does can be explained away and I have no proof, just brokeness.
Author Classicfiction Posted November 24, 2021 Author Posted November 24, 2021 But the problem is, that in between doing these things to me/around me, she acts as if she loves me and wants the best for me so Im drawn back in to believing that it must just be my imagination. After she does something like sexualize a conversation or violate my boundaries in some way, she'll immediately start gushing about how Im her beloved daughter and she just wants me to be well and happy. So I start beating myself up for feeling disgusted and dirty from it. And I tell myself its just you, theres something wrong with you for thinking this old woman hurt you. You're just being too sensitive. She'll give gifts and try and be my best friend. Then bam! As soon as I start to let me guard down she'll call me out into her backyard, disrobe in front of me and skinny dip in the pool forcing me into a conversation with her while she's naked in the pool. And maybe an old woman skinny dipping in front of her daughter isnt bad to a lot of people, but I don't want to see my mom naked! I just don't. Yes Im trying to get away from her as much as possible, but this relationship with my mom has ravaged my life and thats why its hard for me to swollow that pill that no one can hurt you unless you allow it.
Author Classicfiction Posted November 25, 2021 Author Posted November 25, 2021 So if someone acts abusively toward you but at the same time is providing food and shelter, does that negate the abuse? What if you confront someone on treating you poorly emotionally while they're providing you with food and shelter? Is that ingratitude?
Author Classicfiction Posted November 25, 2021 Author Posted November 25, 2021 Im having a hard time with my mom's response to me being "Im so sorry you are unwell and I wish you could get better and see that I love you." Each time she tells me something she said never happened and that she is sorry that Im so sick, it just feels like Im being pushed down. That concern feels like condescention. Am I wrong?
Calmandfocused Posted November 25, 2021 Posted November 25, 2021 Class I mean this in the most supportive way possible: Are you receiving any care for your Mental Health? If not you need to make sure this happens ASAP. I’m taking what you say as fact but it’s becoming clearer with every post that you are unwell. Do what you need to do to get the help you need but please stop allowing your children to be subjected to this. Get them and yourself away from her. As I said; safety first! 1
smackie9 Posted November 25, 2021 Posted November 25, 2021 As you keep writing/talking, you are obviously learning things about yourself, which is good. You are starting to see what's good and what's bad. That will protect you from here on out. You grow with experience. Seems you are heading in the right direction for yourself.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 25, 2021 Posted November 25, 2021 On 9/8/2021 at 10:57 AM, Classicfiction said: But I was diagnosed with schizophrenia... @Classicfiction I found what is quoted above earlier in the thread and very much concur with @Calmandfocusedlast post about tending to your mental health. I won't get into how serious schizophrenia is or its negatuve impact on our emotions and thought processes, this is not the place. But it is an illness that does require medication so please get the help you need if you have not already and take care of yourself and your kids. Hugs.
Author Classicfiction Posted November 26, 2021 Author Posted November 26, 2021 Hi @Girl Fade Away, Thank you for your response and concern. Honestly I think my schizophrenia was a result of prolonged gaslighting and invalidation. It is the worst feeling to try and talk to someone about something and be told it never happened. Im on medication and it does help though.
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