How much do you believe this?

[Classicfiction]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I see what you are getting at, classicfiction.  I think when people say no-one can control you without your complicity, it is intended to mean more than once.  Once you realise that someone is not a nice person and that they are full of drama, manipulative, or even dangerous, you opt out of being near that person.  If you continue to spend time with that person, you are allowing yourself to become a victim in their psychopathic game.  

Many people are vulnerable to being caught out once but most would be very careful not to engage with such a person again.  Some people do, though, and they are the ones who are unwittingly putting themselves at risk.  It may be for a variety of reasons: naivete, a need for attention or approval, an attraction to such people, misinterpretation of manipulative behaviour as jealousy or something.  

Once you see a pattern of manipulative behaviour or excessive drama with a person, that is the time to question what is going on and to get out.

So I do have to say this.  People who are vulnerable to being mentally abused one time are typically healthy and trust their own instincts.  But imagine if this is how you were raised...

Your parent says something hurtful to you maybe about what another family member said about you or something about your body.  So you ask your parent well why are you saying that to me?  And the response you get is "oh honey, I never said anything like that!  Are you ok?"

And then it happens again and you ask why did you do this, why did you say this?  And your parent says "I am so sorry your mind is not ok and you are imagining things." And this is said to you over and over and over.  Hammered into your mind... there is something wrong with you, your thoughts are wrong, your feelings are wrong, your very person is wrong.
 

Then other times you ask your parent to please dont do something that violates your boundaries like coming into the bathroom while you are taking a bath or barging into your room right as you are falling asleep.  But you notice that the more you ask this grown person who's supposed to care about you to respect your space as a human being... the more they do the very things you have asked them not to do.

So you learn that if you ask someone to honor your boundaries, they are likely to do the opposite.  And you learn that you have to rely on other people to make decisions because you are told that your thoughts are wrong, your feelings are wrong... your eyes are wrong because you saw the parent do something and they said they didnt do it!  Your ears are wrong because you heard the parent say something but they say it never was said!

So under the guise of love and care, this parent systematically destroys your developing sense of self, your ability to trust your instincts and your natural confidence.  Basically, this parent for whatever reason is incapable of allowing you to be a separate person from them.

People who have experienced that are likely to be abused over and over because when someone tells them they're imagining things, they think yeah I must be because I have never been able to think for myself and I have always been wrong in every way and dependent on another person to decide things for me.

This is how people become mentally ill on a permanent basis.

To this day, my mother tells me "no, I did not say this to you.  That is only happening in your mind." "I cant imagine what it must be like to be you and not know whats real and what isnt."

And let me tell you, when you are a grown [ ] woman and you are standing in the kitchen making coffe and your nearly 70 yr old mother comes up behind you, does not ask you to move or wait for you to finish, but instead reaches around your body like a man and pulls a drawer into your crotch so that the back of her hand is on your genitals, laughs as you jump out of the way and grabs a spoon from a drawer... you will know what its like to be violated your entire life by someone who took away your free will and your sense of self.

[ ] 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Classicfiction]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Probably to support their own fallacies, low self-worth and other mental health issues. Is there any way you can break free?

I am trying.  I dont have the financial ability to get away at the moment.  Also... I absolutely acknowledge that there is a high probability that my mother was abused as well.  But I do not want to give her any more of my empathy right now.   I was not a mentally ill child.  I was a tired kid and a sad kid and I was isolated.

I believed that my friends werent really my friends because thats what she told me.  It made me sad.  I couldnt understand why kids were pretending to be my friends when they werent.

 

[Classicfiction]

I know Im in a state of high emotion right now.  I want to thank all of you for letting me vent.  It helps.

[hajk]

@Classicfiction I'm so sorry to read how terribly your mother has treated you since childhood.  I wish I could give you some hugs (((((  ))))).  Have you ever come across the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz ?  I found it's very insightful and thought you might find it helpful.  There is a free audiobook on Youtube that you can check it out.  I hope you will find ways to overcome your challenges and detach from your mother and live an independent and joyful life.  Take care and best of luck!

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - AudioBook

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaoK1dDZO-g

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

So I do have to say this.  People who are vulnerable to being mentally abused one time are typically healthy and trust their own instincts.  But imagine if this is how you were raised...

Your parent says something hurtful to you maybe about what another family member said about you or something about your body.  So you ask your parent well why are you saying that to me?  And the response you get is "oh honey, I never said anything like that!  Are you ok?"

And then it happens again and you ask why did you do this, why did you say this?  And your parent says "I am so sorry your mind is not ok and you are imagining things." And this is said to you over and over and over.  Hammered into your mind... there is something wrong with you, your thoughts are wrong, your feelings are wrong, your very person is wrong.
 

Then other times you ask your parent to please dont do something that violates your boundaries like coming into the bathroom while you are taking a bath or barging into your room right as you are falling asleep.  But you notice that the more you ask this grown person who's supposed to care about you to respect your space as a human being... the more they do the very things you have asked them not to do.

So you learn that if you ask someone to honor your boundaries, they are likely to do the opposite.  And you learn that you have to rely on other people to make decisions because you are told that your thoughts are wrong, your feelings are wrong... your eyes are wrong because you saw the parent do something and they said they  your nearly 70 yr old mother comes up behind you, does not ask you to move or wait for you to finish.

Does she have the early signs of dementia? Are you there as her care provider?

Does she have medical problems? There's many types of dementia and many early warning signs including lack of judgement, combativeness, mood swings etc.

Take her to a neurologist and provide examples of odd behaviors like this.

Arrange for home care or long term care so you can move out. The longer you stay and live with her the more burned out you'll get.

Do you have siblings who could take care of her?

[Classicfiction]

6 hours ago, hajk said:

@Classicfiction I'm so sorry to read how terribly your mother has treated you since childhood.  I wish I could give you some hugs (((((  ))))).  Have you ever come across the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz ?  I found it's very insightful and thought you might find it helpful.  There is a free audiobook on Youtube that you can check it out.  I hope you will find ways to overcome your challenges and detach from your mother and live an independent and joyful life.  Take care and best of luck!

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - AudioBook

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaoK1dDZO-g

 

Hi.  I have not heard of that book before but I will definitely look it up.  Thank you for the hugs it helps

[Classicfiction]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she have the early signs of dementia? Are you there as her care provider?

Does she have medical problems? There's many types of dementia and many early warning signs including lack of judgement, combativeness, mood swings etc.

Take her to a neurologist and provide examples of odd behaviors like this.

Arrange for home care or long term care so you can move out. The longer you stay and live with her the more burned out you'll get.

Do you have siblings who could take care of her?

No she is my care taker and has been acting like this as long as I can remember.  In the car she puts her arm across the arm rest so that her hand is hanging over on my side and almost touching my thigh.  I dont know what to call it other than violating my personal space.  She thinks its funny.  If I ask her to stop doing it, she does it more.

Thats why when I read that blog it was all too familiar to me.  Her and my ex behave that way.  It appears to be intentional and as a means of provoking a reaction.

Both will say something inflammatory and then claim they never said it and tell me that theres something wrong with me.  It is exactly how the blog guy describes it.

[d0nnivain]

You say you are on disability & she's the person appointed to take care of you.  Appointed by whom?   

You write well & clearly so if your mom is being controlling & manipulative, use your writing skills to your advantage.  Reach out to the agency you get your disability from & ask to change the appointed representative.   Reach out to the local ombudsman or guardian ad litem office & ask  for a free lawyer to get your representative changed.  If you can't find one, call a local law school.  They will have clinics where you can get law students to help you for free under the guidance of a professor.   Look at Brittany Spears.  It took a while but she got out from under her father's "guardianship".  So can you.  

[Classicfiction]

My hair is white by the way.. not even grey and I have a really hard time making it through the day.  I have very low energy.  My mom, barely any greys and she goes to boot camp every day to work out.

So I guess someone can consume your life force energy by continuously violating your human rights and constantly provoking reactions.

Another one of her things she does.. she has a small dog.  She will get the dog to lay on its back in her lap and she will stroke the dog on its genital area.   Not the belly but too low... and just look at me smirking while she does it.

I think a person can take energy from another person and I think thats what blog guy is describing.

[Classicfiction]

Most times I go into the bathroom she will wait until Im in there, then come right up to the door and yell my name really loudly. Sometimes giggling the door handle.

I cant relax because I cant take a sh*t without her causing me to jump with her yelling.

I have not been able to relax for as long as I can recall and being constantly tense and on alert for whatever shes going to do next is definitely an energy drain.

[SumGuy]

On 9/8/2021 at 12:19 AM, Classicfiction said:

Ive heard people say quite often on this forum that no one can control you unless you let them.  Or nobody can force you to do anything without you allowing it....

You're taking the saying too literally, and out of context.  Of course you can be fooled, of course you can believe lies, of course people can physically control you against your will.   The context of the saying is one when you don't want to do it and make excuses when you do have options, the only thing holding you back being your emotions.   It is in the context that you get to decide on and can have control over your feelings, eventually, it is not normally meant to imply if loved ones die a tragic death you can just wave a wand and not have the trauma effect you; rather over time and with effort you can improve things.

Quote

Well, there's a guy with a blog out there that I came across who basically details how he manipulates people.  Dude claims to be a narcissistic psychopath.  

And you believe every thing he says?  You do realize it is soul crushing for a narcissistic psychopath to ever admit they were wrong, or admit failure.  Nothing is ever their fault, they are never wrong, any apparent failure is due to others.  A large portion of the blog could be an outright lie, a rewriting of history to soothe the narcissistic soul.  Regardless, it does sound like an honest rendition of how they view and act in the world.

How easy it is for him is an open question.  Such people just don't pick their targets at random.

Quote

He talks about repeatedly and intentionally causing frustration and confusion in people in order to "drink their fuel."  Apparently the reactions he gets from his victims gives the person a rush of energy??

That rush of energy, it's called narcissistic feed. It is what the narcissistic psychopath lives for, the only thing that makes them feel.  It explains a lot of odd behavior from such manipulative people, why they seem to do things against their own best professed interest, why they may lie when there is no need and only down side.  They are addicted to it.  In fact, this is one way to distinguish between just the regular ole' evil person, and megalomaniacs from the narcissistic psychopath.  The narcissistic psychopath can never be wrong, they can never lose.  

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

That rush of energy, it's called narcissistic feed. It is what the narcissistic psychopath lives for, the only thing that makes them feel.  It explains a lot of odd behavior from such manipulative people.

That's interesting!  I assume by reactions, you mean over-the-top emotional upset of some sort?

Like the more emotional and upset you are (by their behavior), the bigger the rush and the more powerful they feel? 

Because deep down they are lost empty souls who hate themselves and unable to feel? 

Serious questions btw.

To CF, if you had the choice, where would you prefer to live?  Other than on your own given your mental illness that renders you incapable of doing so at this time. 

Would you be okay living in a group home and being taken care of by qualified mental health professionals?

NOT a hospital but a home where you can interact with others, make friends and even be trained to work, earn a living, on your own.

Would that be better than living with mom?

I ask because from what you have posted, you are in fact being abused.  Mentally and emotionally abused. It's not helping, it is exacerbating your illness. 

Think about it because there are resources available to you that would get you out of that house, away from your abusive mom.

Social services, among others.  Give them a call.  Tell them what's been happening, everything you have posted here.

Let them help you.

Edited September 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[Classicfiction]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

You're taking the saying too literally, and out of context.  Of course you can be fooled, of course you can believe lies, of course people can physically control you against your will.   The context of the saying is one when you don't want to do it and make excuses when you do have options, the only thing holding you back being your emotions.   It is in the context that you get to decide on and can have control over your feelings, eventually, it is not normally meant to imply if loved ones die a tragic death you can just wave a wand and not have the trauma effect you; rather over time and with effort you can improve things.

And you believe every thing he says?  You do realize it is soul crushing for a narcissistic psychopath to ever admit they were wrong, or admit failure.  Nothing is ever their fault, they are never wrong, any apparent failure is due to others.  A large portion of the blog could be an outright lie, a rewriting of history to soothe the narcissistic soul.  Regardless, it does sound like an honest rendition of how they view and act in the world.

How easy it is for him is an open question.  Such people just don't pick their targets at random.

That rush of energy, it's called narcissistic feed. It is what the narcissistic psychopath lives for, the only thing that makes them feel.  It explains a lot of odd behavior from such manipulative people, why they seem to do things against their own best professed interest, why they may lie when there is no need and only down side.  They are addicted to it.  In fact, this is one way to distinguish between just the regular ole' evil person, and megalomaniacs from the narcissistic psychopath.  The narcissistic psychopath can never be wrong, they can never lose.  

Yeah Im pretty sure thats what it is.  She wears me down and then when Im tired enough I react.  When I react other people around me see me as the problem.  When I react she tells family members how hard it is for her to care for a sick woman.

But I either sit there in the car and let her fingertips barly touch my thigh or I scrunch over as far into the door as I can so either way she gets a feed.

I suppose I could put headphones in when I use the bathroom but she'd probably bang and bang on the door if I did that and say she was worried about me.

[Classicfiction]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

That's interesting!  I assume by reactions, you mean over-the-top emotional upset of some sort?

Like the more emotional and upset you are (by their behavior), the bigger the rush and the more powerful they feel? 

Because deep down they are lost empty souls who hate themselves and unable to feel? 

Serious questions btw.

To CF, if you had the choice, where would you prefer to live?  Other than on your own given your mental illness that renders you incapable of doing so at this time. 

Would you be okay living in a group home and being taken care of by qualified mental health professionals?

NOT a hospital but a home where you can interact with others, make friends and even be trained to work, earn a living, on your own.

Would that be better than living with mom?

I ask because from what you have posted, you are in fact being abused.  Mentally and emotionally abused. It's not helping, it is exacerbating your illness. 

Think about it because there are resources available to you that would get you out of that house, away from your abusive mom.

Social services, among others.  Give them a call.  Tell them what's been happening, everything you have posted here.

Let them help you.

So the other part of this is that I have children and their father will not let me see them without my mom being present.

I am the one seen as the problem.  Its why I have such a hard time thinking I can be better or that Im capable of being liked and loved.

When I had my first breakdown, it was after a man I was with left me.  I did find out that when I was admitted to the hospital, there was meth in my system.  I had not ingested meth intentionally.  My guess is that it was in the weed he gave me.  That is the man that I thought was writing the blog for a long time.  But I was in a state of psychosis and I sent a bunch of crazy texts to the father of my children.

I KNOW Ive made some shitty choices and I have been hating myself over this.  But that ex and my mom... they can do no wrong.

So now, if I want to see my kids, I have to stay with my mom.

I really dont know what to do.  Because Im not well at this point but I miss my kids every day.  So badly.

 

[poppyfields]

Contact a lawyer re your kids.  Many lawyers do pro bono work or there is public assistance available too for these types of situations..

It does NOT have to be this way.  It's wrong and I have worked in the legal field a long time.  Even for those like yourself with a mental disability.

You think if a judge heard what's happening in that house, he'd agree to have your kids subjected to that? 

I dont think so. 

There IS help available. 

[Classicfiction]

So I talked to my mom about these things and she said she had no idea she was doing anything and that she thinks Im not getting enough sleep.

But then I'm like ok what just happened, she was talking to me in close proximity and began gestering in a way that her arm flew up so that her hand came near my face very rapidly as if she was about to slap me in the face and this caused me to flinch.

Shortly after this conversation she went outside and gardened for hours and commented on how good she felt.

So I think Im just going to document these things here for awhile to help myself see clearly.

Could it be that she doesnt know and that she's just doing what makes her feel energized on a subconscious level??

I mean she caused a physical reaction via causing me to flinch and then I was left to watch tv on the couch feeling drained.  She asked if I wanted to join her outside and I said I was too tired.  Her response was "you snooze you lose" and out the door she went.

Could it be possible that my mother actually began poking holes in my aura starting when I was a child in order to energize herself?  I'm beggining to think so.

Her and my stepdad had this routine when I was a kid that persists to this day where my mom will do something to cause a reaction in me and then when I did react (mainly ask her to stop doing something)  she would tell me "I am NOT going to sit here and be victimized by you."

And then she would run back to their bedroom where my stepdad was(these instigations would somehow always occur when he was in the bedroom) and tell him that I was victimizing her.  I would have to listen to the whispering and know what was going to happen.  My whole body would tense up and I would be shaking.

So inevitably he would fling the door to the bedroom open so that it slammed against the wall, come stomping down the hallway and get up in my face.  His fists would be clenched and jaw clenching and he would rage at me saying things like "If you continue to hurt my wife you will be out on the street."

This started when I was 10 years old.  It continues to this day.  I cannot say anything to my mother expressing how I feel or trying to create a boundary without this happening.  No matter how calmly I say something, she claims that I am victimizing her.

Its hard for me to believe that I was victimizing my adult mother when I was a child, but thats what they claim.  My mother has told me since I was young that I have always been a difficult person and that she has done everything she can to help me.

So when I read that blog, I think oh my God!  People can steal someone else's life!  People can live off of someone else's energy!! 
 

And perhaps people around me sense that I have holes in my aura.  That Im leaking from being fed off of for so long and then decide to get some of that for themselves.

I have a cousin who, whenever I talk to her, will go into a speech about how she loves herself. She likes to tell me how when she walks into a room, men take notice and stand up straighter.  If I start to respond she talks over me.  There is no back and forth dialogue, just her talking about herself and not allowing me to respond.

I find these conversations draining too.

So I'm going to keep notes here.

Edited September 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Classicfiction]

And in all honesty, I really don't have the energy to go to court and do all of that at the moment.  I feel like an old woman.

Maybe that will change if I keep journaling and stop believing her when she says its my fault that Im in this position.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/8/2021 at 1:28 AM, Alpaca said:

For example, how would one explain cults?

Interesting.  Read Some books by Steven Hassan, PhD. Psychologist and mental health counselor specializing in destructive cults.

Most cult leaders fall somewhere on the narcissism-sociopathy scale.

-Combatting Cult Mind Control

-Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves

-Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs

 

[Classicfiction]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Interesting.  Read Some books by Steven Hassan, PhD. Psychologist and mental health counselor specializing in destructive cults.

Most cult leaders fall somewhere on the narcissism-sociopathy scale.

-Combatting Cult Mind Control

-Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves

-Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs

 

Thank you.  I'm going to look these up.  I really struggle and vascilate between whether what she's doing is intentional or not or is it all my schizophrenia.  It is really really hard for me to know whats real and what isnt.

I want to trust my instincts but even if they are right in some cases they have to be wrong, otherwise I wouldnt have the diagnosis.

Somewhere along the line I feel that something happened to me that was very damaging to my sense of self.

So it puts me in this position where if someone really WANTED to mess with my head, they could and they could tell me that Im imagining things.

I am afraid of people like the person who is writing that blog and I fear running into that type and also that Im an easy target because I do doubt myself.  

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Could it be possible that my mother actually began poking holes in my aura starting when I was a child in order to energize herself?

OMG!!! No, your mother is not going this to you. She is very toxic but she is not poking any holes in your aura. Nope on that one. But yes, she is very unhealthy to be around, I agree. She stresses you out a lot. Wonder who told you this? Some fortune teller or a so-called psychic? Some "psychic" told my friend that the guy that she is talking on-line is sucking her energy and she believed her! She was also feeling tired and drained all the time and her blood pressure was way high. I convinced her to go see a doctor and she did luckily. She was prescribed some antidepressants and she feels great now! 

How about seeking a phycologist?

[Classicfiction]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

OMG!!! No, your mother is not going this to you. She is very toxic but she is not poking any holes in your aura. Nope on that one. But yes, she is very unhealthy to be around, I agree. She stresses you out a lot. Wonder who told you this? Some fortune teller or a so-called psychic? Some "psychic" told my friend that the guy that she is talking on-line is sucking her energy and she believed her! She was also feeling tired and drained all the time and her blood pressure was way high. I convinced her to go see a doctor and she did luckily. She was prescribed some antidepressants and she feels great now! 

How about seeking a phycologist?

I guess if someone can make you feel small and by making you feel small it makes them feel better that is an exchange of energy.

when a person makes you feel like you arent worth anything that can make you tired because you dont feel happy and excited to be alive.  And if that person feels excited by taking away your friends or convincing your friends that you aren't worth having around, then they could get a rush off of doing that.

I mean, bullies do exist.  And they wouldnt bully others if they didnt get anything out of it.

It could be possible that the guy was making your friend depressed.  Being used or mistreated by a guy can make you depressed and need antidepressants

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Interesting.  Read Some books by Steven Hassan, PhD. Psychologist and mental health counselor specializing in destructive cults.

Most cult leaders fall somewhere on the narcissism-sociopathy scale.

-Combatting Cult Mind Control

-Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves

-Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs

 

Yes.

What appeals to one person's vulnerabilities will not appeal to another with a different life experience.

For example, NXIVM was veiled as self-help practices or a wellness scam. Members didn't realize the intention was to encourage them to sign up for a week course, then more and more "self-help" courses, which morphed into longer and longer courses.

Then the brainwashing began.

On 9/9/2021 at 6:08 AM, Classicfiction said:

My hair is white by the way.. not even grey and I have a really hard time making it through the day.  I have very low energy.  My mom, barely any greys and she goes to boot camp every day to work out.

So I guess someone can consume your life force energy by continuously violating your human rights and constantly provoking reactions.

Another one of her things she does.. she has a small dog.  She will get the dog to lay on its back in her lap and she will stroke the dog on its genital area.   Not the belly but too low... and just look at me smirking while she does it.

I think a person can take energy from another person and I think thats what blog guy is describing.

The more absorbed and internalized a belief system becomes, the more difficult it is to challenge it, and your own self is replaced by some other version of yourself that your mother wants you to morph into.

What was once viewed as outlandish behavior by your mother just eventually became normalized. I think it’s helpful to understand her behavior somewhat but not become hyper-focused on, instead, work on removing yourself from her grip. Find ways to disengage from conversations with her when conversations go off the rails, indulge in hobbies that raise your sense of accomplishment to boost your confidence but really learning how to withdraw from her emotionally.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 9/8/2021 at 12:19 AM, Classicfiction said:

So if there are people who enjoy toying with others and moving people around like pawns to get reactions, then how can those statements be entirely true... that no one can control you unless you allow it?

Of course you dont want to lay down and say Im a victim and there's nothing I can do.  But how sure is everyone that a person's mind cant be fully highjacked and toyed with by someone who enjoys having that kind of power?

I think it comes down to every individual's self awareness. Sometimes we allow it because we don't know better, because we don't know ourselves well enough to understand our triggers and what triggers us. I believe most people fall into this category because it takes time and effort to really get to know ourselves on such a level. Even then we sometimes need help or outside perspective to get there. 

This guy has basically hacked what all humans need from others. It's mainly love, acceptance, and validation. Since he's apparently incapable of genuine human connection (some deep flaws in his own psychological development), he gets his own needs (for validation) met by feeling power over others. This way he can tell himself he is mentally, intellectually, etc superior to his victims. It satisfies his void of being able to accomplish feeling less than. Others accomplish it through healthier ways that create rather than destroy--he destroys. 

For someone to not fall victim to his manipulations, they have to first acknowledge such people exist. Then they have to learn what the common manipulations are and how they work. Then, it helps if they know their own triggers/weaknesses and what can be exploited within themselves so they can be vigilant to avoid exploitation. Finally, people have to know how to handle or counteract such manipulations by setting good boundaries and enforcing them.

So people allow others' bad behavior through their own lack of awareness basically.

Edited September 11, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Classicfiction]

Thanks guys.  I think that Ive become so sensitive to instigations, that there are things she does/says and things that other people do and say that can trigger me pretty easily... things that may not set someone else off.

But becoming independent is my goal.  I think that would help tremendously.
 

 

[Classicfiction]

I'm moving out.  I've had several conversations with my mom since this post and she actually has apologized for some of the things that have kept me in a negative head space.

I think a lot of times a person who's used as a scapegoat as a kid gets used to being a victim and then subconsciously seeks out relationships and situations that repeat the childhood experience.

It can be extremely hard to get out of that defeatist mentality because its ingrained in the fiber of your being.  That being said, I do acknowledge that my mom experienced abuse herself both as a child and in unhealthy relationships.  

So we've decided that my disability is going to go toward an apartment for me and I'll get on food stamps and help my step dad out with some stuff.

Honestly guys, this forum has helped me more than my therapist.  I can see how being in a victim head space causes me to be triggered by the smallest things.  And I think that my mom and I can have a much healthier relationship once I achieve some independence.  Maybe I'll be able to eventually re-enter the workforce.  Much love to everyone!! Thank you so much