How much do you believe this?

[Classicfiction]

Ive heard people say quite often on this forum that no one can control you unless you let them.  Or nobody can force you to do anything without you allowing it.

Well, there's a guy with a blog out there that I came across who basically details how he manipulates people.  Dude claims to be a narcissistic psychopath.  

He talks about repeatedly and intentionally causing frustration and confusion in people in order to "drink their fuel."  Apparently the reactions he gets from his victims gives the person a rush of energy??

This guy writes in great detail about using one woman to obtain another.  Using the first woman as a tool to get to another more desirable partner and on and on.  

He talks about how easy it is for him to convince a person that he thinks they are amazing and putting them at ease only to rip the rug out from underneath the person just to get that reactional energy from them. 
 

The guy says that getting people to do whatever he wants them to do is extremely easy for him.

So if there are people who enjoy toying with others and moving people around like pawns to get reactions, then how can those statements be entirely true... that no one can control you unless you allow it?

Of course you dont want to lay down and say Im a victim and there's nothing I can do.  But how sure is everyone that a person's mind cant be fully highjacked and toyed with by someone who enjoys having that kind of power?

I mean... if someone convinces me they love me but only does so in order to get me to follow their lead on something.. then that seems like the person is, in fact, controlling me at least in part.

If that person wants me to fall in love with them so that I fawn all over them on social media... and the end goal of that person is to make themselves look more attractive to a whole other women entirely, then they are controlling me.  

If I knew they didnt want me specifically,  just the ego boost and as a prop, then I wouldnt agree to follow their suggestions or advice.  

Isn't that messing with someone's free will?

(yes Im on a rant right now.  And its probably feeding the guy with the blog)

(I hope some woman makes a Christmas ornament out of his bxlls.  Maybe earrings.)

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Classicfiction said:

Ive heard people say quite often on this forum that no one can control you unless you let them.  Or nobody can force you to do anything without you allowing it.

I'm not sure that's true.

For example, how would one explain cults?

[basil67]

I think this statement is made by those who don't understand the intricacies of domestic abuse.   

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

The guy says that getting people to do whatever he wants them to do is extremely easy for him.

Meh, there's no way of knowing how much of this he's exaggerating. He's a rando online who could be trumpeting himself to make himself feel powerful. But for all anyone knows, the truth could be completely different. 

Assuming there's some truth to what he writes, there's also no way of knowing which sort of women he targets, and if he is specifically going after women he feels are vulnerable, insecure, down on their luck, or otherwise more likely to fall for his tactics. 

In other words? He sounds like he really wants to be the all-knowing Master of Manipulation, but there is no way to verify if what he says about himself is true.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

 there's a guy with a blog out there that I came across who basically details how he manipulates people.  Dude claims to be a narcissistic psychopath.  

 

Try to get away from negative social media like this. Invest your time reading interesting, informative or more elevated material.

Perhaps there'll always be a fascination with the macabre.

However decide how much of your headspace you are willing to devote to this kind of negativity and what types of people you are going to attract chitchatting about this.

[Classicfiction]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not sure that's true.

For example, how would one explain cults?

 

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think this statement is made by those who don't understand the intricacies of domestic abuse.   

 

Yes and yes.  Of course looking at that person's bs is harmful I'm sure.  But the reality is, there are people like that who set out to manipulate and control and who are successful in doing so.

I was convinced the person was my ex at one point because he described his gaslighting techniques to a t.  I just really think that statement that no one can control you unless you allow it is an excuse for bullies.

I really don't like the phrase.  No one who's being manipulated by someone playing on their emotions is desiring to be manipulated.  I doubt they are thinking to themselves that they are just gonna sit back and allow it for sh*ts and giggles.

It would be great if people stopped supporting bullies by blaming the victim.

[d0nnivain]

There are manipulative people in the world who do exude a cult of personality.  However their tricks don't work on everybody.  They work on enough people.  

Even with domestic abuse.  The abuser choses a victim, wears that person down &  then makes them think they can't leave.  It's a terrible cycle but it's one that can be broken.   Think about Stockholm Syndrome too 

As for this blogger, try to remember that people like & exaggerate on line all the time.  If this guy is not somebody you know personally, just ignore him.  Problem solved.  But when you keep going to back, you are playing into his narrative

Edited September 8, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Blind-Sided]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not sure that's true.

For example, how would one explain cults?

That's exactly how cults work.  They find people who are weak, and need validation.  They feed you a story you want to believe in... and they have you.  The world is full of people like this... to some degree.  And, even strong people can fall into this, in times of weakness. 

Yes, there are some evil people out there, who search out the weak... but there are some strong willed people out there who are natural leaders, and without knowing it, can motivate "Followers" into doing what they want.   

[Gaeta]

I believe it 100% but like others have said that are many people that can be controlled because they lack confidence & self-worth. A person that is whole will be much much more difficult to control and manipulate. 

[Classicfiction]

43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I believe it 100% but like others have said that are many people that can be controlled because they lack confidence & self-worth. A person that is whole will be much much more difficult to control and manipulate. 

I think its much easier for someone to be manipulated and controlled if they were raised by a manipulative controlling parent.  
 

My mom for example still controls much of my life and Im 41.  But I am on disability and she is the designated financial appointee.  The reason Im disabled in the first place is because my entire childhood was filled with her saying things to me and then next day telling me she never said it...

Claiming that all my friends didnt actually like me and repeatedly telling me (and still does to this day) that she is the ONLY person who cares about me.

Every person I tried to date was a bad person, my friends were all bad.  She still tells me that anyone I try to date is no good and my friends arent really my friends.  She really really enjoys telling me what other relatives are doing and saying and then telling them how she's struggled so hard to keep me alive.

When I moved out of state she would obsessively call and text me.  If I didnt answer for two days, the police would be at my door.  She would tell me that if I didnt respond to her the same day she would call the police.  She told me when I left that she felt like she was missing her arm and that wasnt fair to her.

She says things to me like you are not going to get your life back together, good luck with that.  You are going to end up in your grandmothers room the rest of your life because you are too sick to have a normal life.

So I do actually tend to attract and be attracted to that type of person.  So unfortunately when she says no one I date is good for me, she's mostly right.  Because most of them are just like her.

So I know that people can break you down and convince you that you have no ability to think or act on your own.  Why they need to do that to someone else?  I really have no idea.  But its terrible.

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

I think its much easier for someone to be manipulated and controlled if they were raised by a manipulative controlling parent.  
 

My mom for example still controls much of my life and Im 41.  But I am on disability and she is the designated financial appointee.  The reason Im disabled in the first place is because my entire childhood was filled with her saying things to me and then next day telling me she never said it...

Claiming that all my friends didnt actually like me and repeatedly telling me (and still does to this day) that she is the ONLY person who cares about me.

Every person I tried to date was a bad person, my friends were all bad.  She still tells me that anyone I try to date is no good and my friends arent really my friends.  She really really enjoys telling me what other relatives are doing and saying and then telling them how she's struggled so hard to keep me alive.

When I moved out of state she would obsessively call and text me.  If I didnt answer for two days, the police would be at my door.  She would tell me that if I didnt respond to her the same day she would call the police.  She told me when I left that she felt like she was missing her arm and that wasnt fair to her.

She says things to me like you are not going to get your life back together, good luck with that.  You are going to end up in your grandmothers room the rest of your life because you are too sick to have a normal life.

So I do actually tend to attract and be attracted to that type of person.  So unfortunately when she says no one I date is good for me, she's mostly right.  Because most of them are just like her.

So I know that people can break you down and convince you that you have no ability to think or act on your own.  Why they need to do that to someone else?  I really have no idea.  But its terrible.

I am sorry you had this type of childhood and I understand that it's at the root of you allowing other people and men manipulate you. 

When  you moved away from your mother you took some of your power back but not entirely because you still share with her your dating history which she uses against you. If you do not want to cut her off of your life, which I would understand as she is your mother, then stop sharing details of your life with her. Do not give her any information she could use to put you down. That is also part of taking your power back. Every time she goes into that 'you're incapable' speech just say 'mom I am going to hang up now, talk soon' and hang up. Let her call the police, let her be the crazy mother it will only look bad on her, not you. 

I was born and raised in a loving & supportive family and I STILL let men control me when I was in my 20s and 30s. I let them because I was naïve and even though my parents were the most loving and devoted parents they did not teach me there are some bad people out there and how to defend myself. I started life thinking all men were loving and respectful like my father was to my mother....Boy did I learn the hard way!!

All that being said when we reach a certain age we have to stop blaming our parents & our childhood for the dysfunctions in our life and take our own destiny into our hands. I no longer let manipulative men in my life. I no longer accept passive aggressive behavior, I have 0 tolerance for a man raising his voice, cursing, devaluating me. Now when I see the early sign of trouble I let them go. Life is too short and valuable for me to waste time on someone not loving me the right way. 

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Classicfiction said:

I think its much easier for someone to be manipulated and controlled if they were raised by a manipulative controlling parent.  
 

My mom for example still controls much of my life and Im 41.  But I am on disability and she is the designated financial appointee.  The reason Im disabled in the first place is because my entire childhood was filled with her saying things to me and then next day telling me she never said it...

Claiming that all my friends didnt actually like me and repeatedly telling me (and still does to this day) that she is the ONLY person who cares about me.

Every person I tried to date was a bad person, my friends were all bad.  She still tells me that anyone I try to date is no good and my friends arent really my friends.  She really really enjoys telling me what other relatives are doing and saying and then telling them how she's struggled so hard to keep me alive.

When I moved out of state she would obsessively call and text me.  If I didnt answer for two days, the police would be at my door.  She would tell me that if I didnt respond to her the same day she would call the police.  She told me when I left that she felt like she was missing her arm and that wasnt fair to her.

She says things to me like you are not going to get your life back together, good luck with that.  You are going to end up in your grandmothers room the rest of your life because you are too sick to have a normal life.

So I do actually tend to attract and be attracted to that type of person.  So unfortunately when she says no one I date is good for me, she's mostly right.  Because most of them are just like her.

So I know that people can break you down and convince you that you have no ability to think or act on your own.  Why they need to do that to someone else?  I really have no idea.  But its terrible.

@Classicfiction, reading this^^ breaks my heart, I am so sorry. 

Hugs.

If I may ask, where was your father during all this?  Did he know this was happening?

Anyway, I won't go into detail about my own "mom" story, I've posted about it previously and this is your thread.  Only to say she was very abusive to me growing up, cutting off my long blonde hair, locking me in tiny lockers for hours, etc etc which also negatively affected my mental health. 

I used to be on meds, but manage symptoms on my own now - yoga, meditation, eating healthy, extricating negativity from my life, including negative people.

And I feel much better!  Whole, complete.

I was a very frightened, shy , introverted little girl and young woman, not even all that spiritual (at the time, I am now), despite being raised Catholic. 

But somehow, and to this day I have no idea what inspired this, I moved out at 18 and distanced myself from my abusive and extremely controlling mom. 

I chose to not allow her to abuse and control me any longer.  And it was a choice.  I wasn't even in therapy at the time nor did I know much about abuse 

I was 18!

But it was a choice I made, and one of the most difficult decisions I ever made in my life and I've struggled mentally and emotionally because of it ever since.

But also the BEST decision for reasons that probably don't need explaining. 

She is gone now, and truthfully it was a blessing, even though, despite the abuse, I still love her.

She was my mom and did the best she could.  I forgive her, which has brought me a tremendous amount of peace. 

It is not too late for you CF, I promise you!

You must break free, and yes imo you are very much allowing her to continue to control and manipulate you.  This IS a choice you are making for yourself.

It's important to own that and stop blaming mom. It's the first step toward HEALING.

To answer your question, I do very much believe we allow people to control and manipulate us.  Again, it IS a choice we make for ourselves. 

Unless someone is holding a gun to our heads, we all have the power and strength within ourselves to NOT allow it.

Even joining a cult.  That is also a choice.  Such person is allowing another person (the leader) to control and manipulate. 

Would you believe I am not able to be hypnotized?  I've tried several times cause I think it would be a cool experience but I am not able to! 

Trust me, I am nothing special.  I wasn't blessed with any great talents or superior abilities.  I am an average person. 

But yet I was able to say NO, to not allow another person, even my own mum who gave birth to me, to abuse control and manipulate me.  I chose to walk away. 

If I was able to at 18, it's certainly not too late for you, at 41.

You have a good 30+ healthy years left! 

Don't waste them being locked up in your own internal prison, allowing mom or anyone else to control and manipulate your emotions, your life!!  

This is your choice CF.  It's time to take your power back. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

1 hour ago, Classicfiction said:

Why they need to do that to someone else? 

Probably to support their own fallacies, low self-worth and other mental health issues. Is there any way you can break free?

[mark clemson]

I suppose if you "control" other people by manipulating their emotions then it's easy. For example, just be passive-aggressive e.g. drive slow in front of them, act stupid when they ask you a question, etc, etc. Internet trolls come to mind as well.  Seems a rather sterile and unhealthy form of pleasure to me, but to each their own I suppose.

The "controlled" person always has the possibility of "stepping back" mentally to recognize/get perspective on how their emotions are being manipulated by the other person/situation. This doesn't (IMO) make them less "real" but allows for self-control in an effort to find a way to get out of the situation/get away from the "toxic" controlling person, etc.

[Calmandfocused]

Oh I love this topic! 
 

I think I know who you’re on about. I’ve studied these individuals at length, mainly to avoid them. 
 

The answer is yes! They can do all of those things and very successfully. They are the masters of manipulation.  And yes the psychology of it is completely messed up. 
 

The key ingredient that you’re missing here is that they are successful at what they do because they are very particular about who they choose. They pick you! Not the other way round. Consciously or not you have to meet a set of “criteria”. If you meet that criteria, they then hook you, then they can easily manipulate you. 
 

The key to avoiding these individuals are: knowing the signs and keeping away from them and b) if that doesn’t work, making sure you don’t fit their “criteria” so they leave you alone ASAP. 
 

 

[poppyfields]

I think asking why such people need to control and manipulate is the wrong question to ask.

Best to ask yourself why YOU allow them to control and manipulate.

Who the eff cares why they choose to do what they do? 

If I came across a Charles Manson in my life, do I give a f*** why he's the way he is?  No!

My concern would be how far can I distance myself from such person.  How far away can I get? 

There are no victims. Only those who choose to not take responsibility for their own life and who they allow into their life. 

Bullies, narcissists, controllers, manipulators, evil. 

Get away. Run as fast as you can.

Let them worry about why they are the way they are, I'm sure they don't care. 

But if they do, they can get help for themselves.

Our job is to take care of ourselves. 

Edited September 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[Classicfiction]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

@Classicfiction, reading this^^ breaks my heart, I am so sorry. 

Hugs.

If I may ask, where was your father during all this?  Did he know this was happening?

Anyway, I won't go into detail about my own "mom" story, I've posted about it previously and this is your thread.  Only to say she was very abusive to me growing up, cutting off my long blonde hair, locking me in tiny lockers for hours, etc etc which also negatively affected my mental health. 

I used to be on meds, but manage symptoms on my own now - yoga, meditation, eating healthy, extricating negativity from my life, including negative people.

And I feel much better!  Whole, complete.

I was a very frightened, shy , introverted little girl and young woman, not even all that spiritual (at the time, I am now), despite being raised Catholic. 

But somehow, and to this day I have no idea what inspired this, I moved out at 18 and distanced myself from my abusive and extremely controlling mom. 

I chose to not allow her to abuse and control me any longer.  And it was a choice.  I wasn't even in therapy at the time nor did I know much about abuse 

I was 18!

But it was a choice I made, and one of the most difficult decisions I ever made in my life and I've struggled mentally and emotionally because of it ever since.

But also the BEST decision for reasons that probably don't need explaining. 

She is gone now, and truthfully it was a blessing, even though, despite the abuse, I still love her.

She was my mom and did the best she could.  I forgive her, which has brought me a tremendous amount of peace. 

It is not too late for you CF, I promise you!

You must break free, and yes imo you are very much allowing her to continue to control and manipulate you.  This IS a choice you are making for yourself.

It's important to own that and stop blaming mom. It's the first step toward HEALING.

To answer your question, I do very much believe we allow people to control and manipulate us.  Again, it IS a choice we make for ourselves. 

Unless someone is holding a gun to our heads, we all have the power and strength within ourselves to NOT allow it.

Even joining a cult.  That is also a choice.  Such person is allowing another person (the leader) to control and manipulate. 

Would you believe I am not able to be hypnotized?  I've tried several times cause I think it would be a cool experience but I am not able to! 

Trust me, I am nothing special.  I wasn't blessed with any great talents or superior abilities.  I am an average person. 

But yet I was able to say NO, to not allow another person, even my own mum who gave birth to me, to abuse control and manipulate me.  I chose to walk away. 

If I was able to at 18, it's certainly not too late for you, at 41.

You have a good 30+ healthy years left! 

Don't waste them being locked up in your own internal prison, allowing mom or anyone else to control and manipulate your emotions, your life!!  

This is your choice CF.  It's time to take your power back. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@poppyfields

I really appreciate your encouragement and I want to believe that at some point I can be strong enough to take my life back from her.  Right now though, I am on some pretty heavy meds that prevent a lot of normal activities.  So Im torn on this, because I think if I had someone in my life who just kept telling me "you can do this, you are capable and you can heal and be whole"  I could possibly get there. 

But I was diagnosed with schizophrenia after a particularly brutal relationship that left me in a state of psychosis and since that time I hear my abusers in my head.

In particular I hear my mom and the ex and woman he carried on an affair with.  I hear their voices in my head daily even with the meds.

My mom is often telling me that so and so really doesnt like me and that I'll never amount to anything.. that I am a loser etc etc.  The ex and his mistress mock me and laugh at me.  So I live with the voices now.

As terrible as it is to wish for someone to die.  I do wonder if when she passes will I be relieved of hearing her voice continously.  It would feel like an amazing relief if that happened.

The last relationship I had, the guy broke up with me by saying that he wished that I could be a healthy person but that he knew that I never could.  And it sounded like my mom. I actually had a visual of him morphing into my mom and saying that to me.

So some people are lucky and break free of the cycle of abuse.  But some people are crippled by it.

I think encouragement and telling someone they can heal and lending support to that person is different than telling someone that they allowed the abuse.

[Classicfiction]

I watched The Act about Gypsy Rose Blanchard not too long ago and as disturbing as that movie was.  I was like yes!! Yes!! A person can MAKE another person disabled by repeating to that person over and over and over again that they are incapable of becoming a separate individual and that they are sick and must rely on the person to function. Especially if its a parent who starts that with a child starting at a very young age.

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Classicfiction said:

But I was diagnosed with schizophrenia after a particularly brutal relationship that left me in a state of psychosis and since that time I hear my abusers in my head.

Oh dear, I am so sorry, and yes this does change things.  I had no idea your disability was that serious.   I am glad you are being treated for it, and yes such a severe mental disability does require medication, as much as I dislike meds!  But some illnesses do require them to balance out brain chemistry, and even then, it's still a struggle.  

A distant relative was diagnosed with schizophrenia a few years ago (he was 25 at the time) so I understand the voices and how challenging that can be.

I have been thinking about your comment "I think encouragement and telling someone they can heal and lending support to that person is different than telling someone that they allowed the abuse," that was quite insightful!  It got me thinking anyway.

Re my previous post, my intention was not to blame you for allowing the abuse per se but rather to encourage you to own your role in allowing it (there is a difference), as I said it IS the first step toward HEALING which is the goal. Owning our own role, taking responsibility for what happens to us in life, which is the first step on the path towards understanding and healing.

It's a controversial topic, because of course there are things that happen to us that our not our fault.  Like being assaulted or robbed, things that are out of our immediate control.  But nevertheless, when we think about it, we all play a role in what happens to us on some level.  But that's another topic for another time.

I truly do not believe in a "victim" mentality, but rather a "survivor" mentality; I think that's healthier and more conducive to healing.  I myself was abused by my mom (which I only recently came to terms with - I had been in denial for many years) and even though it happened when I was young growing up, and as such, impressionable and vulnerable, I never considered myself a victim.  I was always a survivor and if/when I ever start counseling once I get my degree in mental health, that is what I will be encouraging. 

Surviving, learning, growing, evolving.

I have never seen the movie you referenced "The Act" but I just googled it and I will definitely be watching tonight!   In fact I just downloaded "Mommy Dead and Dearest" which is another movie, a HBO documentary, about the Gypsy Rose Blanchard story.

I am really looking forward to watching both of these and will share my thoughts soon, thank you for recommending,

In closing, you seem like a lovely person CF and I am so sorry you are experiencing all this.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[Classicfiction]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh dear, I am so sorry, and yes this does change things.  I had no idea your disability was that serious.   I am glad you are being treated for it, and yes such a severe mental disability does require medication, as much as I dislike meds!  But some illnesses do require them to balance out brain chemistry, and even then, it's still a struggle.  

A distant relative was diagnosed with schizophrenia years ago (he was 25 at the time) so I understand the voices and how challenging that can be.

I have been thinking about your comment "I think encouragement and telling someone they can heal and lending support to that person is different than telling someone that they allowed the abuse," that was quite insightful!  It got me thinking anyway.

Re my previous post, my intention was not to blame you for allowing the abuse per se but rather to encourage you to own your role in allowing it (there is a difference), as I said it IS the first step toward HEALING which is the goal. Owning our own role, taking responsibility for what happens to us in life, which is the first step on the path towards understanding and healing.

It's a controversial topic, because of course there are things that happen to us that our not our fault.  Like being assaulted or robbed, things that are out of our immediate control.  But nevertheless, when we think about it, we all play a role in what happens to us on some level.  But that's another topic for another time.

I truly do not believe in a "victim" mentality, but rather a "survivor" mentality; I think that's healthier and more conducive to healing.  I myself was abused by my mom (which I only recently came to terms with - I had been in denial for many years) and even though it happened when I was young growing up, and as such, impressionable and vulnerable, I never considered myself a victim.  I was always a survivor and if/when I ever start counseling once I get my degree in mental health, that is what I will be encouraging. 

Surviving, learning, growing, evolving.

I have never seen the movie you referenced "The Act" but I just googled it and I will definitely be watching tonight!   In fact I just downloaded "Mommy Dead and Dearest" which is another movie, a HBO documentary, about the Gypsy Rose Blanchard story.

I am really looking forward to watching both of these and will share my thoughts soon, thank you for recommending,

In closing, you seem like a lovely person CF and I am so sorry you are experiencing all this.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Girl, I truly appreciate your empathy and I understand where you are coming from and your intentions.  I know what you are saying is being said from a place of kindness and it does help.  I'm going to look at your success as an encouragement

Really my bristling at that particular phrase is that a lot of times I think its said without fully understanding what someone is going through/has been through.  If someone is really struggling and is actually being abused in the present tense it can be hurtful to have someone say well you are allowing it... because it seems to imply that the person doing the abusing/bullying doesn't need to stop.  And they do.

Definitely let me know what you think of that movie!  

[spiderowl]

I see what you are getting at, classicfiction.  I think when people say no-one can control you without your complicity, it is intended to mean more than once.  Once you realise that someone is not a nice person and that they are full of drama, manipulative, or even dangerous, you opt out of being near that person.  If you continue to spend time with that person, you are allowing yourself to become a victim in their psychopathic game.  

Many people are vulnerable to being caught out once but most would be very careful not to engage with such a person again.  Some people do, though, and they are the ones who are unwittingly putting themselves at risk.  It may be for a variety of reasons: naivete, a need for attention or approval, an attraction to such people, misinterpretation of manipulative behaviour as jealousy or something.  

Once you see a pattern of manipulative behaviour or excessive drama with a person, that is the time to question what is going on and to get out.

Edited September 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Girl, I truly appreciate your empathy and I understand where you are coming from and your intentions.  I know what you are saying is being said from a place of kindness and it does help.  I'm going to look at your success as an encouragement

Really my bristling at that particular phrase is that a lot of times I think its said without fully understanding what someone is going through/has been through.  If someone is really struggling and is actually being abused in the present tense it can be hurtful to have someone say well you are allowing it... because it seems to imply that the person doing the abusing/bullying doesn't need to stop.  And they do.

Definitely let me know what you think of that movie!  

First off, thank you and yes my intention was/is to help.  And I hope my story and success does give you encouragement!  

Re the bolded, oh I fully acknowledge that the abuser/bully needs to stop.   100% FULL stop!

And that you are the person who has the power to stop it, by walking away from it, choosing to not accept or tolerate it.   It is a choice that you make for yourself.  Because you know you deserve better.

That said, I do empathize as I said I experienced it myself.  And I also sympathize because everyone's experience is different, and everyone's level of strength is different.  So it's not always so easy to walk away as it was for me. 

And to this day, I have no idea where that inspiration came from, but from wherever it came, I am truly grateful!  

And yeah I will absolutely let you know what I think about the movie!  

 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

28 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Girl, I truly appreciate your empathy and I understand where you are coming from and your intentions.  I know what you are saying is being said from a place of kindness and it does help.  I'm going to look at your success as an encouragement

Really my bristling at that particular phrase is that a lot of times I think its said without fully understanding what someone is going through/has been through.  If someone is really struggling and is actually being abused in the present tense it can be hurtful to have someone say well you are allowing it... because it seems to imply that the person doing the abusing/bullying doesn't need to stop.  And they do.

Definitely let me know what you think of that movie!  

Just thinking of your situation, classicfiction, and what you are having to deal with.  It is certainly very difficult to experience abuse and negative things said to a young person can have long-lasting effects.  I know this from my own experience.  If possible, it is better to have help with challenging the negative things rather than holding resentment and blame.  I know that is easier said than done if you feel damaged by your experience.  It may help to realise that the abuser is an imperfect human being who probably had similar things said to them when they were younger.  I do not say that to make excuses for them but to add another perspective.  Also, having a child who is suffering from mental problems is very scary in itself and most of the older generation had no training or experience in dealing with people who were struggling.  They came from the 'drafted into the forces and just get on with it" generation.  They are often struggling with their own abusive childhoods.

I do feel it helps to look at the abuser as one who is damaged themselves.  This is not to say you should be with them or put up with them.  It just puts you in more of an adult/parent type role.  Yes, an abuser definitely needs to stop what they are doing.  I think it must be so much harder for you because you are carrying these abusers around with you with the voices.  I hope that you have access to some kind of therapy that helps you to challenge what the voices are saying.  

[invalidname]

15 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Ive heard people say quite often on this forum that no one can control you unless you let them.  Or nobody can force you to do anything without you allowing it.

Well, there's a guy with a blog out there that I came across who basically details how he manipulates people.  Dude claims to be a narcissistic psychopath.  

He talks about repeatedly and intentionally causing frustration and confusion in people in order to "drink their fuel."  Apparently the reactions he gets from his victims gives the person a rush of energy??

This guy writes in great detail about using one woman to obtain another.  Using the first woman as a tool to get to another more desirable partner and on and on.  

He talks about how easy it is for him to convince a person that he thinks they are amazing and putting them at ease only to rip the rug out from underneath the person just to get that reactional energy from them. 
 

The guy says that getting people to do whatever he wants them to do is extremely easy for him.

So if there are people who enjoy toying with others and moving people around like pawns to get reactions, then how can those statements be entirely true... that no one can control you unless you allow it?

Of course you dont want to lay down and say Im a victim and there's nothing I can do.  But how sure is everyone that a person's mind cant be fully highjacked and toyed with by someone who enjoys having that kind of power?

I mean... if someone convinces me they love me but only does so in order to get me to follow their lead on something.. then that seems like the person is, in fact, controlling me at least in part.

If that person wants me to fall in love with them so that I fawn all over them on social media... and the end goal of that person is to make themselves look more attractive to a whole other women entirely, then they are controlling me.  

If I knew they didnt want me specifically,  just the ego boost and as a prop, then I wouldnt agree to follow their suggestions or advice.  

Isn't that messing with someone's free will?

(yes Im on a rant right now.  And its probably feeding the guy with the blog)

(I hope some woman makes a Christmas ornament out of his bxlls.  Maybe earrings.)

 

The reverse is equally if not more common - beautiful women have been manipulating men to do things for them since the dawn of time, creating profiles on OLD apps to farm messages and likes for the ego boost with no intention of actually matching anyone, etc. Standard defense against this sort of manipulation is minimizing reliance on a single person ("point of failure") and paying attention to red flags particularly when pointed out by other neutral third-party observers i.e. your friends.

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I believe it 100% but like others have said that are many people that can be controlled because they lack confidence & self-worth. A person that is whole will be much much more difficult to control and manipulate. 

controlling behavior is a gray area that one sees as controlling another might view as caring.

 

controlling behavior usually happens over slow steps of a small step here and there then after a while you find yourself far away from where you planned.

 

many peop,e can be manipulated if they aren’t smart enough to catch on.

 

the perfect example  in the USA is in politics.  35 years ago the politics was fit in a classic bell shaped curve where many people fell politically.  Now because of drastically split news media sources plus social media and who you trust has created a divide where thus once bell curve has bern split in two humps like a woman’s breasts.