'You're hard to read'

[mortensorchid]

I have heard this said about me before, many times with others whether it's business or personal.  Why?  Someone told me that I sent signals to others that made me obvious, others said I talk too much about myself, etc.  Ever since then I locked myself down and trained myself to have a poker face.  Daniel Craig as James Bond, differentiated from others and game changer.  Borderline sociopath of which I am happy to be at times, but that's another story...

The other day I had an internet date.  I decided within minutes that this was one of those throw away guys.  He had a tattoo on his arm in the inside of his elbow, I asked about it.  He said he put that tattoo over it because of the scars.  Upon closer inspection I saw the scars, he said he was a heroin addict.  Immediate next, but had to endure the evening with him.

He talked about things, I listened.  He said to me "You're hard to read."  I said I do this on purpose to keep my emotions under control.  He said "I'm nervous", I said "That's the idea."  We parted ways.

[Lotsgoingon]

If the other person can't "read" me, that means I'm not interested. 

[Alpacalia]

Someone that is too confusin.g.

(not saying that is you, just what that term may mean coming from someone else)

Edited September 8, 2021 by Alpaca

[Stevnx3]

57 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I have heard this said about me before, many times with others whether it's business or personal.  Why?  Someone told me that I sent signals to others that made me obvious, others said I talk too much about myself, etc.  Ever since then I locked myself down and trained myself to have a poker face.  Daniel Craig as James Bond, differentiated from others and game changer.  Borderline sociopath of which I am happy to be at times, but that's another story...

The other day I had an internet date.  I decided within minutes that this was one of those throw away guys.  He had a tattoo on his arm in the inside of his elbow, I asked about it.  He said he put that tattoo over it because of the scars.  Upon closer inspection I saw the scars, he said he was a heroin addict.  Immediate next, but had to endure the evening with him.

He talked about things, I listened.  He said to me "You're hard to read."  I said I do this on purpose to keep my emotions under control.  He said "I'm nervous", I said "That's the idea."  We parted ways.

Good idea here. I'd part far and away from him and frankly, give nothing. Let them unlock that something through mutual conversation and interest. 

[chillii]

 

But why in the hell would a woman take on a mans mannerisms ahhhh, guys don't want a man they want a warm and feminine woman ummm, well the straight ones. Sounds like a great way to stay single forever to me and a man that isn't even real, it's a movie playing a spy . Every thing that happens to him or is said to him or he says , is all constructed  ummm, it ain't reality. l really like the guy actually but he's pretty pretentious in his Bond movies , which is all pretending anyway but he is very none the less.

Why don't you choose a woman that's actually real, and something you admire,and that also attracts men. Or why not better yet just be yourself, you can do that while also cutting back on things you feel you use to let out too much.

Think you said somewhere you also had a stone face or something like that , total man repellent sorry. Women that are relaxed and at peace , comfortable in their own skin can be the most attractive women of all. And actually it's very easy to read in that way and pick stone faces , that just aren't themselves or at peace and comfortable in their own skin, and deep down she's just all guarded up.

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by chillii

[basil67]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

But why in the hell would a woman take on a mans mannerisms ahhhh, guys don't want a man they want a warm and feminine woman ummm, well the straight ones.

I know that MO was the one who mentioned being like James Bond, but it sounds to me like she's channelling the Ice Queen trope.  

James Bond can flirt, where as Ice Queens don't let anyone in

 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by basil67

[basil67]

@mortensorchid Why are you asking clarification about why people tell you that you're hard to read?   You've just given a laundry list of behaviours which exactly sum it up.  And not just behaviour which hard to read, but also lacking in manners and grace.

On the positive, conversation is an art and can be learned.    Have you considered therapy to help you manage in social situations?   You may find your dating is far more successful when you have good conversation skills.   

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I locked myself down and trained myself to have a poker face

 

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Borderline sociopath

 

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I do this on purpose to keep my emotions under control.

You've answered your own question - this is why people say you're hard to read. Since you're doing so intentionally and seem to enjoy it, I am not sure why you're surprised or puzzled by their observation. 

Edited September 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

 He said he put that tattoo over it because of the scars.  

Yes . Run . The phrase is meaningless basically because this heroin addict knew you for what? A couple of hours?

[Ami1uwant]

14 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I have heard this said about me before, many times with others whether it's business or personal.  Why?  Someone told me that I sent signals to others that made me obvious, others said I talk too much about myself, etc.  Ever since then I locked myself down and trained myself to have a poker face.  Daniel Craig as James Bond, differentiated from others and game changer.  Borderline sociopath of which I am happy to be at times, but that's another story...

The other day I had an internet date.  I decided within minutes that this was one of those throw away guys.  He had a tattoo on his arm in the inside of his elbow, I asked about it.  He said he put that tattoo over it because of the scars.  Upon closer inspection I saw the scars, he said he was a heroin addict.  Immediate next, but had to endure the evening with him.

He talked about things, I listened.  He said to me "You're hard to read."  I said I do this on purpose to keep my emotions under control.  He said "I'm nervous", I said "That's the idea."  We parted ways.

 

here is the problem…..

 

men don’t want the personality of a female coworker where a date is like a lunch with a coworker in mannerisms and conversation dtyle.

 

ive seen women have very different personalities at work vs being at home.  What personality are you using on the date?

[spiderowl]

I can understand how you came to shut yourself down, mortensorchid, but please rethink this and realise that you were reacting to what others said about you and that what they said was contradictory.  In other words, just be true to yourself and forget that some might think you are too transparent and others the opposite.  You would go crazy trying to avoid your personality leaking out.  Remember, there are people who are not afraid to impose their personalities - good or bad - on others, let alone let them see some of their real selves!  I am reminded of the gospel song "This little light of mine; I'm gonna let it shine."  Even if what those commentators said was true, they are not representative of the whole of humanity and someone could easily have put a completely different spin on it to the one you took to heart.  For example, "You are too transparent" could be "I love the way you are easy to read; it makes me feel really secure with you."

With regard to the date, how come you ventured upon a date with someone you seem to have no prior knowledge of?  Do you not communicate with these dates beforehand?  Do you not try to get some idea of their personality, what they do, their background?  It sounds like you are going into dates blind.

You dismissed the guy because he had previously been a heroin addict.  I admit that's something you need to think very carefully about but it seems you made a judgement about nexting him because he had a tattoo and that you only found out about the heroin history when enquiring about the tattoo.   If you have preferences as to whether your date has a tattoo, then you could ask them before meeting.   I just get the feeling you are not vetting people before meeting them.  I know that is not easy and one has to be very tactful, but engaging in a text or dating site message chat can be very enlightening.  It means that you are not wasting your time and they are not wasting theirs.

In this particular case, it seems you did not want the guy to read you, rather than it being a problem for you.

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[Miss Spider]

I don’t think most men want a hyper-feminine archetype of a woman…just like most women ( including myself) don’t really want a hyper-masculine, beefed up, beer chugging, * enter whatever other masculine stereotypes you can think of* dude-bro. We like a guy a little in touch with his feminine side and I think vice versa is preferred to. I think the most attractive and balanced people tend to have a good mix of both ! Just from my observations

Edited September 8, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes . Run . The phrase is meaningless basically because this heroin addict knew you for what? A couple of hours?

Who cares what this guy had to say... His brain probably has long term damage from his addiction to heroin. 

[mortensorchid]

He didn't mention that he used heroin let alone any other drugs, in his profile let alone in conversations before.  Had he I would have nipped it in the bud immediately.  I am a grown up now, I am not going to take on a loser or a guy with a drug / alcohol problem thinking I am going to "fix it" or who's looking for a woman to take care of them.  I have no idea if he still uses and  not going to find out.  Glad I didn't waste a spritz of Chanel perfume on him.

[chillii]

Haaaa , and wth should a guy have a feminine side, latest bs fad, wouldn't even know what that would suppose to look like. Never had any complaints but eh , l'm far from a beefed up beer chugger haha . last thing l'd want is a woman with a masculine side either whenever l see one of those l just well , ya don't wanna know.

Edited September 9, 2021 by chillii

[Caauug]

On 9/8/2021 at 11:00 AM, mortensorchid said:

Upon closer inspection I saw the scars, he said he was a heroin addict.  Immediate next, but had to endure the evening with him.

I had a supervisor a few years ago that was a heroin addict in his youth. He was a little strange but very smart, quick thinker, and great memory recall. He once told me he just woke up one morning and realized he couldn't keep up that life style any longer, he had hit bottom I figured. He picked up the little that he had and moved, got a job, went cold turkey with the drugs. A few years later he went to the UK to work, met a girl, ended up marring her and brought her back to Australia. As far as I know they are still together, likely married close to 25 or so years now. I have a lot of respect for him, he was one of the best supervisors I have worked for.

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, chillii said:

Haaaa , and wth should a guy have a feminine side, latest bs fad, wouldn't even know what that would suppose to look like. Never had any complaints but eh , l'm far from a beefed up beer chugger haha . last thing l'd want is a woman with a masculine side either whenever l see one of those l just well , ya don't wanna know.

To be honest, I have trouble with labelling certain traits 'masculine' and 'feminine'.  I think it's just convenient stereotyping and not reflective of the diversity of human nature.

Edited September 9, 2021 by basil67

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Caauug said:

I had a supervisor a few years ago that was a heroin addict in his youth. He was a little strange but very smart, quick thinker, and great memory recall. He once told me he just woke up one morning and realized he couldn't keep up that life style any longer, he had hit bottom I figured. He picked up the little that he had and moved, got a job, went cold turkey with the drugs. A few years later he went to the UK to work, met a girl, ended up marring her and brought her back to Australia. As far as I know they are still together, likely married close to 25 or so years now. I have a lot of respect for him, he was one of the best supervisors I have worked for.

Likewise, one of my dearest friends was a junkie 20+ years ago (before I met her).  She's been clean since giving up and now refuses to take any medication containing opioids.   She's open, warm and smart as a whip and would help anyone in need.   Interestingly, she doesn't tell many people about her past because of the judgements she's known people to make.

 

[chillii]

Me to it's ridiculous , no one l know needs labels for anything it's just internet bs really. Personally l hate labels or the having to have a label for every damn thing these days .

As far as femininity , just to sorta coin Cookies masculinity equivalent , when a guy talks about femininity he's not talking about some barbie doll bimbo and a chipmunk voice either.

[lana-banana]

On 9/7/2021 at 11:00 PM, mortensorchid said:

He said to me "You're hard to read."  I said I do this on purpose to keep my emotions under control.  He said "I'm nervous", I said "That's the idea."

Why would you say this to someone? If I told someone I was nervous and they responded with "that's the idea" I'd find them rude and unkind. 

[chillii]

Think that was just a bit of a joke.

At any rate op , l'd think it's a real shame you feel like you have to bury yourself. Shame anyone feeling that way but some of the ways you've described the real you would be quite lovable. Maybe you could just work on a few things your not comfortable about.

Edited September 9, 2021 by chillii

[glows]

58 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Why would you say this to someone? If I told someone I was nervous and they responded with "that's the idea" I'd find them rude and unkind. 

I agree. It’s not a joke or sexy in the least. I’d also question whether meeting was a game to the other person. Sincerity is attractive. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

Think that was just a bit of a joke.

What's sad chillii is that it wasn't a joke.

Mort doesn't joke.  Admittedly, she is stone-faced and cold.

It's a defense mechanism against being hurt. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

Yeah l know it is , that sort of thing usually is, shame.

Well l hoped it was a joke, l could see a personality l'd go for making a crack like that in humor but eh if it wasn't op, yikes.

 

[Noproblem]

On 9/8/2021 at 11:02 PM, mortensorchid said:

He didn't mention that he used heroin let alone any other drugs, in his profile let alone in conversations before.  Had he I would have nipped it in the bud immediately.  I am a grown up now, I am not going to take on a loser or a guy with a drug / alcohol problem thinking I am going to "fix it" or who's looking for a woman to take care of them.  I have no idea if he still uses and  not going to find out.  Glad I didn't waste a spritz of Chanel perfume on him.

you are being super harsh and mean toward a person who did nothing wrong toward you.

He is not a loser and he is not a bad person and whether you wasted  a good perfume of him or not, is not relevant, you put the perfume for yourself not for him!

A recovering addict is different from someone who still uses and he might be the best person you'll ever meet, but you are super quick to judge and shun!