Dating but not 'dating'

[Dillon609]

So there is this girl that I have been seeing for a While now and we’ve been taking things very slow. But recently it’s been going very well and we’ve been hanging out every chance we get and she’s even invited me around her family now and I’ve been to her house a couple times. We haven’t put a title to our relationship and haven’t talked about it too much we’ve just kinda been seeing what happens. So do you think we are dating even though we haven’t made it official? also how should I go about taking to her about this?
 

[Miss Spider]

xxxxx

Edited September 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

Seeing each other & going on dates is dating, with or without the label.  It's the action that counts. 

Labels & talking about it scares some people.  

However until you talk about it you are not exclusive so do not assume on that score.  

[glows]

What leads you to believe you're not dating? Did she tell you she only sees you as a friend? 

Ask her if she'd like to be your girlfriend if she hasn't said anything about being friends/platonic.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Dillon609 said:

we’ve been hanging out every chance we get and she’s even invited me around her family now and I’ve been to her house a couple times.

Are you going out on dates or acting affectionate, etc.?

[Dillon609]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you going out on dates or acting affectionate, etc.?

Both. At first it was just going out on dates and doing fun stuff. Now she’s hanging out with me every weekend, sleeping in the same bed when we stay at a friends house or whatever, inviting me around her family and last night I was there til 12 just chilling watching movies and cuddling

[Dillon609]

Just now, Dillon609 said:

Both. At first it was just going out on dates and doing fun stuff. Now she’s hanging out with me every weekend, sleeping in the same bed when we stay at a friends house or whatever, inviting me around her family and last night I was there til 12 just chilling watching movies and cuddling

And before she kind of kept her distance but now she is all over me and cuddling every chance she gets. She likes to rub my arm and play with my hair also idk what that means but it definitely feels like something a girlfriend would do

[Miss Spider]

With no other context it sounds like friends . I’d at least kiss her before exclusivity 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Dillon609 said:

Both. At first it was just going out on dates and doing fun stuff. Now she’s hanging out with me every weekend, sleeping in the same bed

Ok. Then your dating. Try to forget labels for a while and focus more on how it's going.

[divegrl]

Agree with the others in focus much more on the actions; rather then trying to define the relationship. 
 

If you both are happy and enjoying one another, just keep doing that!

Wishing you the best. 

[spiderowl]

Are you just hanging out as friends, Dillon, or is this a physical relationship too, i.e. kissing and so on?

If it is physical too, then it sounds like it is going well.  You seem to enjoy each other's company.

I get the feeling you would like it to be more defined.  If it is not physical, then I would not even try to define it because you are just friends hanging out.  It may turn romantic later but who knows?

If it is physical, then you could at least check with your friend that you are mutually sexually exclusive.  This is in both your interests as you both want to avoid STIs.

If it is physical and you really like her, then why not gently sound her out a bit?  See what she thinks about the boyfriend/girlfriend label.  She might be waiting for you to ask.  

If she does not seem keen on there being a label, then as long as you two are sexually exclusive, I would back off a bit on labelling it because it is early days yet.  After, say, three months you could revisit the subject again?

[Dillon609]

13 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Are you just hanging out as friends, Dillon, or is this a physical relationship too, i.e. kissing and so on?

If it is physical too, then it sounds like it is going well.  You seem to enjoy each other's company.

I get the feeling you would like it to be more defined.  If it is not physical, then I would not even try to define it because you are just friends hanging out.  It may turn romantic later but who knows?

If it is physical, then you could at least check with your friend that you are mutually sexually exclusive.  This is in both your interests as you both want to avoid STIs.

If it is physical and you really like her, then why not gently sound her out a bit?  See what she thinks about the boyfriend/girlfriend label.  She might be waiting for you to ask.  

If she does not seem keen on there being a label, then as long as you two are sexually exclusive, I would back off a bit on labelling it because it is early days yet.  After, say, three months you could revisit the subject again?

Well we have not kissed yet but whenever we watch a movie or sit next to eachother or anything like that we usually end up Like laying on eachother and holding hands stuff like that.

[d0nnivain]

You are not dating.  This isn't even a romance if you don't kiss  Laying near each other is meaningless.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Dang, that was my question: are you kissing.

When you said you have spent time in bed together, I assumed the answer was yes, you are kissing.

If you're not kissing, you're not dating.  And if you can't talk about dating with her then you aren't dating. 

[poppyfields]

Agree you are not dating, you are friends and "cuddle buddies."

Do you feel any sexual tension when you're cuddling?

For me, I cannot imagine cuddling/snuggling up with a man especially in bed, but NOT feeling some sort of sexual tension.

How old are you guys? 

Just curious.

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Dillon609 said:

And before she kind of kept her distance but now she is all over me and cuddling every chance she gets. She likes to rub my arm and play with my hair also idk what that means but it definitely feels like something a girlfriend would do

And these are things that two girl "friends" will do together too.  Not so much now that I am a bit older, but in high school, my BFF and I used to sleep together, sometimes cuddle while watching TV, brush each other's hair, hold hands while walking down the street, etc.

Note we are both 100% straight.

I hate to say it cause it sounds like you want this to be more, but right now you are the male equivalent of a girl "friend" to her.

Sorry.

 

 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

And these are things that two girl "friends" will do together too.  Not so much now that I am a bit older, but in high school, my BFF and I used to sleep together, sometimes cuddle while watching TV, brush each other's hair, hold hands while walking down the street, etc.

Note we are both 100% straight.

I hate to say it cause it sounds like you want this to be more, but right now you are the male equivalent of a girl "friend" to her.

Sorry.

If you want this to be more, you need to escalate.  Next time you're "cuddling" go in for the kiss.

Or take her out one night, have a few drinks, get her out on the dance floor and give her a kiss (on the lips).

That kiss (or worst case scenario, no kiss or a cheek kiss) will tell you everything you need to know.

Edited September 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[Herkamer]

Hey, a thread where a guy is being mindful of what he's doing. Good for you!

Anyway, sounds like you guys are. Nothing wrong with it at all. Just because you're dating it doesn't mean you have to marry or sleep with her. You're just getting to know each other, which is great. That's the way it should be, not "LET'S TEAR OFF EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES AND HAVE WILD BEDROOM FUN, THEN MOVE IN TOGETHER!" You're doing it the way it should be and that's awesome. Don't be discouraged by what others are saying. If it's companionship you're after, sounds like you have a good one. People don't know what that means anymore. All it means in this case is you're working up to a more romantic relationship. The fact she's having physical contact with you and her inviting you to meet her family and doing things with them is a good sign, so whatever you're doing seems to work.

Just a couple of tips:

-Be good to the family, especially the father/father-figure(s). I don't know if he's around or not, but show her father respect and be yourself.

-If she invites you to another family outing, offer to bring something. It shows that you want to be a part of the gatherings.

-Do not pressure her into sleeping with you. As mentioned, what you guys are doing is fine as it is. Don't change that.

-Don't move in with her, if you haven't already. She will desire you more when she misses you.

-Keep your dates simple. A movie, walk in the park, a small dinner, you're just getting to know each other so don't make it extravagant.

Everything else will fall into place, but from what it sounds like, you guys have a cute relationship that has potential to turn into something beautiful, so long as you stay this path. Play it cool and play it smart. Good luck to you!

[Dillon609]

On 9/7/2021 at 8:46 PM, poppyfields said:

Agree you are not dating, you are friends and "cuddle buddies."

Do you feel any sexual tension when you're cuddling?

For me, I cannot imagine cuddling/snuggling up with a man especially in bed, but NOT feeling some sort of sexual tension.

How old are you guys? 

Just curious.

 

We are both 21

[Dillon609]

On 9/8/2021 at 11:04 AM, Herkamer said:

Hey, a thread where a guy is being mindful of what he's doing. Good for you!

Anyway, sounds like you guys are. Nothing wrong with it at all. Just because you're dating it doesn't mean you have to marry or sleep with her. You're just getting to know each other, which is great. That's the way it should be, not "LET'S TEAR OFF EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES AND HAVE WILD BEDROOM FUN, THEN MOVE IN TOGETHER!" You're doing it the way it should be and that's awesome. Don't be discouraged by what others are saying. If it's companionship you're after, sounds like you have a good one. People don't know what that means anymore. All it means in this case is you're working up to a more romantic relationship. The fact she's having physical contact with you and her inviting you to meet her family and doing things with them is a good sign, so whatever you're doing seems to work.

Just a couple of tips:

-Be good to the family, especially the father/father-figure(s). I don't know if he's around or not, but show her father respect and be yourself.

-If she invites you to another family outing, offer to bring something. It shows that you want to be a part of the gatherings.

-Do not pressure her into sleeping with you. As mentioned, what you guys are doing is fine as it is. Don't change that.

-Don't move in with her, if you haven't already. She will desire you more when she misses you.

-Keep your dates simple. A movie, walk in the park, a small dinner, you're just getting to know each other so don't make it extravagant.

Everything else will fall into place, but from what it sounds like, you guys have a cute relationship that has potential to turn into something beautiful, so long as you stay this path. Play it cool and play it smart. Good luck to you!

Thank you this is the kind of answer I was looking for. I get what the others are saying about it’s weird how we haven’t kissed yet and nothing sexual yet, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Wouldn’t it make it even better in the long run when I do kiss her cause we’ve just been building it up for so long? Also I realize it seems like she is just me for attention, but I really don’t think so. I’ve had situations like that and this one feels different. Either way I’m not giving up because I can see this going somewhere and it’s only getting better every time we hang out

[Herkamer]

19 hours ago, Dillon609 said:

Thank you this is the kind of answer I was looking for. I get what the others are saying about it’s weird how we haven’t kissed yet and nothing sexual yet, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Wouldn’t it make it even better in the long run when I do kiss her cause we’ve just been building it up for so long? Also I realize it seems like she is just me for attention, but I really don’t think so. I’ve had situations like that and this one feels different. Either way I’m not giving up because I can see this going somewhere and it’s only getting better every time we hang out

That's awesome! I'm glad I can help. And I don't think it's weird at all to not make things sexual at this point in time. Personally, if things get very serious and you guys decide to tie the knot later in life, I'd wait until you're married to have bedroom fun. Heck, if you wanted to wait until that time to even kiss I don't see a problem with it. I'll leave that all up to you. Anyway, people put themselves in rush because they're afraid that they're going to lose that person and won't be able to find another one like him/her. Problem with that is they create MORE problems rather than solving them. It may not show up right away, but later in life it'll all manifest and that'll destroy the relationship, regardless if they're married or not.

Seems like you guys are doing good, though. And don't worry about the nay sayers. Honestly, I think there's jealousy on their end. Many of them want the relationship their parents or other older married family members have immediately and they refuse to put forth any effort for it to work properly. You're showing that the hard work is worth it because in the end, you'll have something that may reflect what you parents have or something close. A good sign of this is the woman inviting you to meet and do things with her family.

If you want to know the truth, I'm a 35 year old man, and I just haven't found the right woman for me. Even after losing all my weight, working out, dressing better, getting involved with more hobbies, and holding myself up better with my new found confidence still hasn't scored me the right one. For now, I'm remaining single for the time being, but I'm more than happy to give advice to younger guys like yourself. I just don't want to see good men make the same mistakes I made because deserve to be happy too. So from one man to another, I really am happy for you two because it's something everyone should be doing. And if it doesn't work out, for whatever reason, you did all the right things, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Rootin' for ya, brother!

[smackie9]

Experienced mature woman here. Stop sleeping in the same bed! Being her cuddle buddy is the kiss of death. Sleep overs are for 12 years olds. If sex is not on the table, everyone goes home to their own bed. I had a friend that did the sleep over thing. She never intended to have a romantic relationship with him. She just wanted a warm body because she was lonely. What happens is, you see this as intimacy, they see it as comfort. You are being her BF without benefits. That's not a good position to be in.

Date her fine that's ok, you are getting to know one another. But set some boundaries....no more sleep overs. Cuddling on the couch is fine, while watching a movie. But since you are this far, you need to make a move to kiss her. If she pulls away, I bet money on it, this is the end of the road for you.

 

 

Edited September 10, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

On 9/9/2021 at 2:33 PM, Dillon609 said:

 I get what the others are saying about it’s weird how we haven’t kissed yet and nothing sexual yet, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. 

Ok. If you are working it up slowly and warming it up one step at a time and you're both ok with that, then it's fine. 

However do try to move this into the romance zone. Doesn't have to mean pouncing on her, but make things more romantic and date-like.

[poppyfields]

On 9/7/2021 at 11:10 AM, Dillon609 said:

So there is this girl that I have been seeing for a While now.

How long is "a while now"?  Weeks, months? 

I find it odd you haven't at least tried to kiss her or her kiss you.  That's what differentiates romantic dating from a friendship, at the very least! 

The sex can wait until you are both comfortable, even until marriage if that's something that's important to both of you.

Are you attracted to her?  I asked you in an earlier message, when you are cuddling in bed, is there sexual tension between you?  Do you feel that desire?

If not, then this points to a platonic friendship.  If you do, then you need to escalate ->> a kiss.  It's time. 

As to what @Herkamerposted, no I'm not jealous, I'm realistic and don't want to steer the OP down a path that may ultimately hurt him.

And for the record, my parents had sex before marriage, and my mom told me she kissed my dad on the first date!  

So there is no "wanting to live back in my parent's day," please. 

Couples were having premarital sex back in the 50s even, it just wasn't talked about and you are naive to believe otherwise. 

OP, I don't normally believe in "define the relationship" talks but here I think it's necessary. 

Reason being, because there has been no kissing (again at the very least), she may be seeing you as a good male girlfriend and you are seeing this as dating. 

So you need to talk to make sure you are both on the same page.

A kiss would be a good prelude to that talk.

Good luck.

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Herkamer]

Trying to justify what you're doing and looking down on what the other person is doing because they want to be traditional and actually romantic IS jealousy. This guy's doing it right. If he and his woman workout, this relationship will last until the death do they part. These other ways people would want you to do it, their way, is a recipe for disaster. Trust me, to the author of this thread, continue what you're doing because it works. These other ways in today's world will only lead to ruin. These other people just don't know it yet.