tokidoki Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 I was on a first date the other night, and when I referred to it as 'a date' she immediately went 'this isn't a date!- a date is when you go out with someone you really like...this is just a friend thing'. I told her 'I don't want to be your friend, that's not why I asked you out'. She said 'We're just hanging out and seeing what happens'. I said that's exactly how you define a date in my mind. Hang out, have fun, see what happens. No platonic intentions. Who agrees with me and who agrees with her?
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 Skip any thoughts of a 2nd date. You are firmly in her friendzone but she didn't even have the decency to let you down gently. Her response was rather insensitive. My definition of a date is a one on one scheduled in advanced arranged meeting to spend time getting to know somebody you are in a romantic relationship with or considering getting into a romance with. There is one caveat. The 1st time you meet somebody off OLD or an app, that is a meeting only to determine if you want to have a date. It's a safety thing so it should be short, inexpensive & in a well lit public place. From there you decide if there is enough potential to merit an actual date. Hanging out is something one does solely with platonic friends & usually involves each person paying their own way, whereas one person often treats the other on a date.
Author tokidoki Posted September 7, 2021 Author Posted September 7, 2021 lol well I made my intentions clear with her from the start. We ended the night in my bed. It's naive to think a man asking a woman out one on one when they have just met is platonic in nature.
Ami1uwant Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 25 minutes ago, verygoodlistener said: I was on a first date the other night, and when I referred to it as 'a date' she immediately went 'this isn't a date!- a date is when you go out with someone you really like...this is just a friend thing'. I told her 'I don't want to be your friend, that's not why I asked you out'. She said 'We're just hanging out and seeing what happens'. I said that's exactly how you define a date in my mind. Hang out, have fun, see what happens. No platonic intentions. Who agrees with me and who agrees with her? With meeting OLD for first time I don’t call it a date if it’s just a short meet at a coffee shop for an hr. It’s just a meet up. the first date is when you do something together like dinner or going to a museum/ festival. unsure what your ages are…those under 26 the concept of dating has changed and relationships have become ill defined. What is a date might be a hang out. does dhe even know what a relationship is or what bf-gf is? As other poster said she coukd be viewing you as a friend first not yet mastering the training wheels version.
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 20 minutes ago, verygoodlistener said: We ended the night in my bed. It's naive to think a man asking a woman out one on one when they have just met is platonic in nature. You must have something going on if you can get a woman from "this is not a date" into your bed in the same evening. 1
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) I’ve had male friends do that too.. We go out and I will be very explicit that it is a friendly outing. And they will say cool and all is good but they will proceed to drop hints of romantic interest or something alluding to it being more like a date or how I have to know they’re interested in more, they have enough friends or some thing such. I will be quick to remind them that I also have enough friends if they don’t want to be because that’s all it will ever be. Never wind up sleeping with them tho lol Edited September 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Author tokidoki Posted September 7, 2021 Author Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) I'm 30 she's 31. We were introduced by a mutual friend on the grounds we're both single. Edited September 7, 2021 by verygoodlistener
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) Well it’s clearly a date if you had sex with.. now it’s if she wants another Edited September 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Author tokidoki Posted September 7, 2021 Author Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) lol, well that's the interesting thing. We didn't have sex although I did try it on. Ironically her reason for resisting was that 'this is just a pre-date'! I texted her after, she delayed responding and told me she wanted to stay platonic. I said I wasn't interested in that and we haven't spoke since. Edited September 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) Oh okay sorry I misunderstood… If you just sit on your bed and talk /watch movies = platonic/ still friends / she’s not into you “like that” —-/ sucks though sorry it didn’t work out Edited September 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Ami1uwant Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, verygoodlistener said: lol, well that's the interesting thing. We didn't have sex although I did try it on. Ironically her reason for resisting was that 'this is just a pre-date'! I texted her after, she delayed responding and told me she wanted to stay platonic. I said I wasn't interested in that and we haven't spoke since. she said platonic now or before? or is she out of a long term relationship and wants this slow? she didn’t find you attractive enough Edited September 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author tokidoki Posted September 7, 2021 Author Posted September 7, 2021 We kissed a lot before the night ended, touched her body a little. I could tell she didn't want the night to end so I asked her if she wanted to stay over. She agreed with little persuasion. We got into bed more or less straightaway - we kissed and cuddled a bit, I got her semi-naked and touched her in some pretty erogenous areas, but she was resistant to going any further so we both kinda just went to sleep (was a late one). Next morning we lay and cuddled and talked for a couple hours...tried it on a bit in the morning but wasn't pushy. She kept saying the same things..."this is just a predate...I know what you're up to...trying to turn me on etc. etc." We were both obviously quite horny and enjoying the sexual tension, but didn't go any further. She kissed me on her way out, but yeah, didn't get back to me when i told her I had a great time and would like to see her again soon. She replied way later saying she wanted to keep things platonic. 1
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 Just now, verygoodlistener said: We kissed a lot before the night ended, touched her body a little. I could tell she didn't want the night to end so I asked her if she wanted to stay over. She agreed with little persuasion. We got into bed more or less straightaway - we kissed and cuddled a bit, I got her semi-naked and touched her in some pretty erogenous areas, but she was resistant to going any further so we both kinda just went to sleep (was a late one). Next morning we lay and cuddled and talked for a couple hours...tried it on a bit in the morning but wasn't pushy. She kept saying the same things..."this is just a predate...I know what you're up to...trying to turn me on etc. etc." We were both obviously quite horny and enjoying the sexual tension, but didn't go any further. She kissed me on her way out, but yeah, didn't get back to me when i told her I had a great time and would like to see her again soon. She replied way later saying she wanted to keep things platonic. Ty for the information …it sounds to me like it’s most likely one of two things to me 1. like ami1 said, she’s not sure of her attraction to you/if she’s that interested. Some people ( I know Bc I am one) can kiss/cuddle with someone they are not that into or just barely into because it’s fun/thrill of chase etc. but you’re not that interested so you’ll later try to make that clear OR 2. She is really interested/attracted , but some kind of test/hang up of some sort. Maybe like she doesn’t want to be hurt so she wants to/is trying to go slow and also verbalize that . it could be either of these two things. But really it doesn’t matter what you call it, a date or a schmate, you operate with your intentions and go for the gold ( while still keeping in mind her receptivity to it/not being pushy) If you get to a point you run out of patience/feel it’s not going where you want it go on your timeline , have no qualms about peacing out
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) No harm in a little fun make out / cuddle. Not like she didn’t say the score. I know men that rathe have it than nothing at all ^^ Edited September 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Wiseman2 Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, verygoodlistener said: We didn't have sex although I did try it on Sounds like she's semi-interested so didn't want too much out of it. Edited September 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Mrin Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 1 hour ago, verygoodlistener said: We ended the night in my bed So this didn't exactly happen for you this way but I once was on a date with a woman and referred to it as a date. She said it was not a date. I said "oh okay why isn't it one?" Her reply cracked me up. She said, "because I don't have sex on the first date and I really want to have sex with you tonight" I kind of did a Hugh Grant stammer and blurted out, "um, well, I mean that's... I don't think that... I mean you see that's... That's... A really great way of looking at it!" It didn't make much sense to me but when I told one of my women friends about it she said it made perfect sense to her. Go figure! 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 Ending up in bed doesn't mean it was a date. She isn't interested in a relationship. Lots of folks who aren't interested in relationships end up in bed. To answer your question, sometimes you don't know if it's a date until you go meet the person. But I would say the vast majority of time, you can tell if the other person is interested in a date. You really can. You just have to be able to pick up body language and tone of voice and the rest. There is also a difference in the way you ask someone on a date vs asking someone for a platonic meeting. I know it's a date when I get excited, and I try to get myself looking good. I'm also nervous on dates in a way that I'm not if it's a friend meeting. True story: there was a woman new to town that met through mutual friends. She and I would meet for lunch or coffee every few months. Great conversations, I didn't think of these meetings as dates. Well one day she texts me and says she wants to meet at a bar. We had never met at a bar, and I knew she wasn't a bar person. Ding ding. I knew the energy had changed on her part, and I was open to exploring, so immediately I prepped for the bar meeting as if it were a real date. I dressed way better than I typically would when meeting her for those earlier lunch and coffee sessions. And I was right. The energy was different. There was tension and excitement throughout the evening. I was attracted to her, but not enough to want to begin dating. I would say you can probably get better at noticing whether the person you ask out is excited or not. There is also a difference in the way you ask out someone for a date vs. a colleague or friend for a platonic meeting. The energy is very different when asking someone out on a date. In my case, I'm much more nervous and excited. Sometimes the difference can be a matter-of-fact request vs a request that comes in response to an electricity between two people. And there is a difference between friendliness and electricity.
Author tokidoki Posted September 7, 2021 Author Posted September 7, 2021 28 minutes ago, JRabbit said: Nope. She said she wants to keep things platonic, so she wants to be friends. Women who are interested don't dump you in the friendzone. Sorry, she's not into you. Well I told her straight up before we hooked up I wasn't interested in friendship, and I've told her the same now. What's the point? Attracted maybe, interested maybe not. I also wouldn't generalize like that. I've had women in the past tell me they only want friendship and when I've declined, they've become interested in me later. One I dated and one I slept with once. Not friends with the former, still friends with the latter.
Alpacalia Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 People date to form relationships with each other. Going out with someone you like, who you find attractive and intriguing, and spending time with the other person to get to know each other better and see if they are compatible with you. Or, in your case, a blanket roll.
basil67 Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 Any woman states who has no intentions further than friendship but lets you pay for her is just using your generosity for her own amusement. Frankly, a good male response to that should be "if this is just a friend thing, I'm sure you'll be happy paying half" 4
czanclus Posted September 8, 2021 Posted September 8, 2021 (edited) How did you ask her out? As far as this going beyond platonic, it seems that she is not interested. As far as etiquette, If she was just going to get free dinner, that's not cool, and I am not sure what part of the date invitation she didn't care to understand. Drop the self-serving moocher from you life and don't look back. When inviting her on this date, did you indicate there were no expectations, and were then surprised she took it at face value? People who say that there are no expectations and then turn around acting like there are/were expectations from the get-go annoy me greatly, and should totally pay for the full dinner and not expect anything to unfold - not on that date, and not on any future meeting. If nothing was specified re expectations, you invited her to lunch/dinner/event, she set aside time to meet with you, paid for her share of expenses, she does not owe you anything, least of all deciphering your ulterior agenda driven code language. Better luck onward. Edited September 8, 2021 by czanclus 1
Author tokidoki Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 18 hours ago, czanclus said: If nothing was specified re expectations, you invited her to lunch/dinner/event, she set aside time to meet with you, paid for her share of expenses, she does not owe you anything, least of all deciphering your ulterior agenda driven code language. What on earth does this mean? I met her at a party - my brother's gf introduced us on the premise that we're both single. She showed some interest in me, so I got her number, and texted her the next day, asking if she'd like to go for a drink. She responded immediately, asking when I was free, and I said Tuesday. This was on a Sunday and she waited until Monday night 1130pm to get back to me (lol). I told her early in the night that I had no intention of being her friend. She remarked on my boldness. I paid for dinner although she did offer to split. I have no 'ulterior agenda'. I'm attracted to her, and I'd like to get to know her better. There was undeniable chemistry there, so it was surprising when she said she only wanted to be platonic. Just doesn't seem congruent with her behaviour when we were together so it seems like a hang-up to me. It's also not like I pursued her loads or chased her away...I sent one message the day after and she took 10 days to reply
Wiseman2 Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 4 hours ago, verygoodlistener said: There was undeniable chemistry there, so it was surprising when she said she only wanted to be platonic. Just doesn't seem congruent with her behaviour when we were together so it seems like a hang-up to me Is she on/off with someone or recently broken up with someone?
Author tokidoki Posted September 9, 2021 Author Posted September 9, 2021 She said her last proper relationship was 3 years ago, same as me. She said she'd dated a few guys but they all seem to get possessive and manipulative. Whilst we were lying in bed talking I asked her when was the last date she went on. She said a third date, 2 weeks ago. I figured it was nothing that serious if she was in bed with me. I told this to our mutual friend who said 'well she hasn't told me about that'.
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