My little story of Love, Death, BreakUp, Grief and trying to recover.

[Hermes]

Hello Guys.

I wanted to share my experience with you as a part of my recovery process.

The story will be a little bit longer, so maybe you take a coffee and some time and i really hope for some feedback, opinions and other experiences.

Countries and Names have been changed slightly due to privacy reasons, but the distances are the same.

 

First my family part:

All my 4 grandparents died in 2 years (from 2019-2021).

After the last grandmother died, my sister lost her only child at the age of 2 in January 2021 because of a DNA defect, after 1,5 years in a coma.

That was all a heavy burden for my parents, they lost their only grandchild, also they had to take care of the funerals and so on. Especially my sister was (of course) heartbroken in deep grieve (and still is but after 6 months she tries to restart her life at a low level).

Because of all that pain and grief my father had some serious heart conditions, but he eventually recovered and thank god is good right now.

At this point i felt that it is my part and to help my family financially & emotionally and try to be kind of a pillar of strength.

 

Now my part

After the death of those 5 family members, i was at the very beginning of my new relationship with Lucia from Wales, i live in Amsterdam. She also worked here, and we met on a dating app.

I was 37, she was 33.

We both had broken up with our ex partners 1,5 years ago.

This relationship felt very very good. It had nothing in common with my previous relationships, it was smooth, relaxed, we liked nature, travelling, and (i guess this is also important in a relationship) had wonderful sex. Although i am very suspicious and careful about new relationships, in this case, i just felt good, safe, we treated each other like king and queen, not a single day passed without sweet words, we slept at the others appartment regularly, made us sweet little presents like a lunchbox.

Everyhing felt surprisingly good.

End of May we went to our first holiday in Italy, where i am from. 1 week earlier we found out that she was pregnant, yes we didnt protect, we didnt do it on purpose, but, it felt like even if something happens, we would handle it, well, because we have been in love.

Now the sad part begins

4 days after our return, my girlfriend had a miscarriage. Days before we had a discussion that it is maybe too early, maybe we should spent some more time together, so that i can meet her parents, see her home town, where she was born, just to deepen our relationship. But nevertheless we got more and more used to the baby…..and especially i was totally ready, happy and looked forward that i can take responsibility of my „wife“ and my child.

After the miscarriage we both have been very sad. But i told her that maybe now we felt that we really want to have children.

 

5 day later she visited her mother in Wales for her 75. Birthday, and she wanted to stay 3 weeks.

She invited me to visit her hometown (1 hour flight away from where we lived at this moment), to meet her dad and her best friend in September.

I thought, ok, we had 7 perfect months, 1 very sad moment with the miscarriage, but i was always at her side. Now, we are hitting more and more to a very serious relationship, i will meet her family, we will deepen our wonderful time together. Maybe this is it? After several relationships, maybe now i found the right one! I was not afraid of the future, i was looking forward to it, a road built up in my mind.

Our contact still was full of love, passion and daily good night good morning, and again, i am very careful with feelings, but this felt right.

 

4 days later her ex boyfriend had a heart attack, fell into a coma, and died a few days later.

 

They had been in a relationship for 9,5 years, had a house together where they lived for 5 years and because both were working abroad, they rented it.

That caused the first break: „i cant be with you right now, it is unfair towards you that i have all those feelings, after the long time we had together, he was such a nice and sweet person.“

He broke up with her because he had severe depressions, and told her that she deserves better.

But then he tried to win her back, and after we met the first time, he tried again (around christmas) but she rejected him because she was with me and was „invested“ in us and she felt good and happy (her words).

Now, she had to cope with all the feelings coming back, and she feels guilt like „Maybe i did a mistake? If i knew that he would die, i wouldnt have start our journey“.

Now, she is in Wales, i am in Amsterdam, his parents still treated her like her daughter in law and wanted her to speak at the funeral.

At the beginning, we still had contact, she apologized, said that she wish all this didnt happen and that she could coudle with me on my couch falling asleep holding my hand.

And there were still sweet words, sometimes also an „i love you“, „i have so much love for you“.

I said: Love means good times and also bad times. We only had good times, now i will stand like a rock next to you, i am there for you, no matter what. And even if you want to cry about him, cry with me on the phone. I wont let you down!

I offered her to fligh over, but she said this could been inappropriate at this moment. Fine.

While she was in Wales, we both had birthday, she made me one oft he best presents ever, she convinced an actor of my favourite series to take a video, where he mentioned us both. I was overwhelmed. I also made her a very nice gift for her birthday 2 weeks later.

But we still didnt see us.

And all this, from the day where he had the heart attack and our contact reduced and reduced, cooled down, i was just in panic. I Lost 26 pounds (13kg) in 7 weeks. Well i am at least happy about this because i fought my whole life with overweight, now i am close to normal.

Well, my sister, who lost her child told me: Wait for the funeral, after it, it will get worse for her. Be prepared. Well this was the case. Until the funeral she still contacted me on her own, asked me how i am in Italy (i visited my family because at the end of the day only your mother and your sister can comfort and stabilize you, and after 7 weeks with crying alone at home, writing letters full of anger, hatred, hope, love, forgivness i realized i have to fly over to my family. I had no energy anymore.

The problem is: I tried not to bother her in her grief. I am aware that it would make her feelings and her pain worse. I briefly told her that i am fighting too, especially with the miscarriage, but i tried to be strong.

Well, after the funeral, as expected, our contact fall close to zero.

In Italy, i asked her once: Your breakup, you told me he was sick, but what if he wasnt now? She replied but he was!

I did a mistake there, i should have asked more precisely, but who knows if the answer would have been satisfying?

Well, after the funeral, during all the silence, my only thought was: i want to see you again just once, and i really tried to get my s*** together. I am in the lucky position that i have my own company and i can take some breaks when i am totally down, so that i dont have to work all day / every day.

She was able to do Home Office, sourrounded by her family, who supported her, but i was totally alone. Working, and being alone in the night and cry like a coward, like a little baby. But i tried to move on. Tried, not that it really worked.

 

Finally we meet after 3 months (and nearly 3-4 weeks of silence) for a first brief talk. She came back to the Netherland to fulfill her work, and to pack her things. She didnt tell me that she is back, because she was not ready yet to talk and to confront me. Ouch. That hurt.

Surprisingly, 2 days later she invited me for dinner and movie night at her appartment. But i felt the distance from the beginning. I felt anxious, but to be honest, i didnt really fell sth at all, like not being there. It was so strange to see the woman you really love and gave her a goodbye kiss at the airport with mutal „i love you“ and „already miss you“ after 3 months of panic, anxiety, crying, pain and so much stress.

She will leave in October, she will move to the house they had together. Although it is only 1 hour flight away, it feels like another planet right now.

 

 

My thoughts now

All this started to fast, it was too good to be true.

We said to each other i love you after 2-3 months, the unprotected sex and just see what happens.

She escaped Wales to escape the relationship where she tried everything to help him, but couldn´t and felt rejected. When he wanted her back (her words) she built of wall of pride around her and wanted to continue her life, she felt good with me, and made in that particular moment that where she felt best with. Now, that he died (an as strange as it sounds, some people are jealous of dead people, but i feel nothing that way, when somebody dies, it is always very very sad).

But i try to accept that now, he is the center of her thoughts, emotions. Also because she is talking to his family, like i said, 9.5 years of relationship dont just fade away.

Now everything comes back to the surface and she realized that she (as it seems) still had feelings for him combined with her guilt that she did maybe something wrong. This is something i have to fight with: You did all you could, he broke up, you feel pain because of all the years (from 22 to 32) you invested in him. You rejected him when you had the chance to get back together, at the very beginning of our journey. What about us? Maybe i cant understand this properly because i never experienced something like this.

 

Even if this sounds egoistic, if you browse around online, there are only advices for people who grieve, and how the partner can support them. But there is no focus at all at the people around, nobody can tell you how to handle or to cope with a break up of a relationship where everything was fine and now you lost your beloved girlfriend, your baby, your future.

It is also interesting that some people underestimate what a miscarriage can do to a man who was really happy and even imagined names for the baby. Of course we have to think about the woman! But sometimes it feels like the pain oft he father is totally forgotten.

 

My questions to you

The most stupid question first: Do you think there is any hope?

Did she forgot our journey and our little time where there was this little heartbeat in her belly or will this strike her too or did it already with her pain because of the death of him?

Have i been totally naive? I really havent been a perfect guy the last 15 years, but with her i really totally changed, i have been faithful, never cheated on her, always really always told the truth, can this all have been just blindness?

 

How i am now & my recovery

First of all, i want to thank Jordan Peterson. His videos, his books, helped me to at least stay on my knees and not to fall completly. I can recommend his books and videos to every person you has some kind of trauma, pain, stress and anxiety. They dont replace therapy if you need one, but they give you something to lean on, to learn, to try to use your pain to at least start to be yourself again.

He encouraged me to start a Charity Project on Instagram to help my home country with the forest fires we have in the mediterrean every year. Like he quotes a well known psychologist „He who has a why can bare almost any how“. Do something good, be there for your family, help your community, have a noble goal, dont drink or use drugs during your pain, it just makes everything worse. Way more worse.

I still can barely sleep for the last 3 months, maybe 5-6 hours every night. My hunger is reduced, i try to have high protein high fat breakfast which is considered to be the best for people in high stress situations to support your serotonin production, and it really helps a little bit. I am still loosing weight (now i am at 86kg from close to 100kg at a size of 1.76)

Following on Social Media is always, ALWAYS a bad idea. After the funeral she posted a picture (like some other family members) of him. She posted one with him at vacation. That killed me. That was the point where i decided to fligh to my family and tell them the whole story because i literally could not move anymore.

After the last talk in person 2 days before i wrote those words,it was kind of a relief, but this incredible stupid little hope somewhere deep in my mind kills me. A (maybe?) last honest talk can help everybody to cope better with a break up. Please, dont ghost people and leave them in the dark, in a frightening fog.

She distanced herself from me, although we watched a movie shoulder to shoulder with even a little bit of cuddling (maybe not the best idea). But she is definetly moving back to Wales in one month, and right now, like she said, she is not capable of a relationship. I understand it. Even if i (that is what i naivly think now) would have reacted differently.

I offered that we could at least spent some nice moments together, a little travel or some funny activity like going to zoo, but i realised that this aint gonna happen.

But knowing, even the harsh truth, that you maybe will never kiss the woman you love (yes still love) again, and the road of a family and a baby collapsed, it is always better to talk honestly, knowing the bitter truth, instead of having unrealistic phantasies of the best outcome (or the worse, however this could look like).

 

All what happened had those positive effects:

During our relationship i felt more and more energy to change my life, to reorganize my company so that i dont have to work 6 days a week (what i do now)

I always wanted to do some charity work (what i do now)

the bond with my mom, dad and sister is a strong as it has never been before, we are there for each other every day, every minute

I lost the weight i was fighting to loose the last 25 years and really, is one of the few things that made me happy, although my girlfriend liked (loved?) me even with my overweight.

I am way way way more empathic than i have been before, in some bright moments where i try to at least understand her as much as i can, my anger and my heartpain stops and i „forgive“ her (even when i think that she did not something wrong), but i helps me.

 

 

So, this was my story i am very sure i forgot something. But it really helps to share it with people who maybe have been through some similar pain, or even to just tell people that life can hit you really hard in unimaginable ways when you didnt expect it.

I hope some of you have some thoughts or feedback, i would really love to talk with you about it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How old is she?

She is not ready to date and never was. Add to this so many other red flags from distance, different cultures, way too much way too soon from living together to unplanned pregnancies,etc.

That's way too much for dating 28 weeks.

Sadly it seems like you were the local temporary fling but her real life and heart are where she is now at home.

Do you have kids? Or other exes around? Have you been tested for DNA inheritable issues?

In the future, slow way down. Strive for less intensity and drama. Get to know someone first before moving in and starting a family.

All you can do is let go.

[Hermes]

Hi! She is now 34 and i am 38. No i dont have other children. Yes i realize that i was way to fast. It was too good to be true. But i really fight to shut down this tiny tiny little hope of 0,01% that maybe.....in the future.....you know....that our time was not "wasted"......

I have been tested, it has nothing to do with my DNA. It was just....i dont know....nature/destiny.