AmyHershaw Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 My partner (28) and I have been together for two years and lived together for a year. He has always been very supportive of me and helped me through many difficult times. However, when we argue even if it's a petty argument, it can exacerbate and he says things like "get out of my house", which he has said on three occasions. He laughs at me when I tell him I'm fed up with his attitude and tells me he's fed up with mine. I told him once he needs to have more common sense and he took it as me insulting his intelligence and called me a thick f*** then instantly apologised and said he took it back. He used to punch things, but when I spoke to him about it and told him not to especially when my previous partner was emotionally abusive, he hasn't done since. He's said that when he gets angry, he needs to be left alone and he's aware he has no filter and can say bad things. I've moved back with my parent's because I've been paying for most things, since he doesn't work because of his retinitis and he doesn't get much money. When I told him I was moving out as I can't continue working full time and paying for most things while he plays on his console all day, he told me we might as well break up. He can be a great guy, but he lets himself down when his temper flares up and I believe space between us is the best option. I'll admit I can be hard work sometimes, especially when I'm moody or stressed, but I don't call him any names or threaten to break up. I've suggested getting help to him and he said he will, but they won't do much for him as it's not serious enough.
divegrl Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 Glad you have moved out. Therapy will be of great help, and there is a lot they can do for him because this is serious. Damaging property, damaging relationships is severe anger. He can learn coping skills to handle his emotions better. I would not move back in until he is able to self regulate. Wishing you the best. 2
glows Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 How long have you been with your parents? Put this relationship behind you and move forward. Have you told your parents the extent of his explosive anger, violence/damaging property and verbal abuse? How do you see a future with someone who isn’t or can’t contribute to your future together? What I’m asking is - how realistic overall is this? Are you hanging on out of guilt or feeling stuck?
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 6, 2021 Author Posted September 6, 2021 35 minutes ago, divegrl said: Glad you have moved out. Therapy will be of great help, and there is a lot they can do for him because this is serious. Damaging property, damaging relationships is severe anger. He can learn coping skills to handle his emotions better. I would not move back in until he is able to self regulate. Wishing you the best. Me too. I certainly believe so, he definitely needs to talk to someone. And I won't, he needs to prove himself first. Thank you! 2
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 6, 2021 Author Posted September 6, 2021 14 minutes ago, glows said: How long have you been with your parents? Put this relationship behind you and move forward. Have you told your parents the extent of his explosive anger, violence/damaging property and verbal abuse? How do you see a future with someone who isn’t or can’t contribute to your future together? What I’m asking is - how realistic overall is this? Are you hanging on out of guilt or feeling stuck? I haven't moved out yet. I don't want to break up with him at this point when he's going to get help with it. I've made them aware of his temper and they want me to move back in with them, another reason being they understandably don't want me to pay for most things like I have been doing. I do sympathize with him having retinitis, it must be difficult for him struggling to see in dim lighting or at night time. I've told him I've been fair with him and his temper problems aren't justified. Hopefully, the help he gets will benefit him and this space will push him to sort things out.
glows Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 That you have to leave and rely on the support of your parents is very telling of how volatile or hostile and how much the relationship is no longer a union of two but divided in more ways than just his anger issues. I don’t believe in separation of couples in the hopes that things get better as it requires one person usually putting their life on hold or walking on eggshells while the other is holding that one back. I hope your parents are not enabling you in this only for you to slip back into the relationship that’s not moving forward or growing should you move out. You only have one precious lifetime to live. Don’t waste it bogged down and stuck waiting for someone. Give yourself a very clear timeline and find counselling also to help re-navigate what you want out of life if that helps. 1
basil67 Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 1 hour ago, AmyHershaw said: I've suggested getting help to him and he said he will, but they won't do much for him as it's not serious enough. These are the words of someone who has no intention of getting help AND doesn't see his problems as serious. Please move out and go live with your parents again. Don't make any promises as to whether you will try with him again - just give him a vague "let's see how things are in the future" as a response. 3
ShyViolet Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 So he has a temper problem, he's verbally abusive, he doesn't work, plays video games all day and you have to pay for everything. Sounds like quite a catch. (That was sarcasm). Are you kidding? Do you really not see what a loser this guy is? BREAK UP. Have higher standards for yourself than this. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 There is no way I would continue this relationship. He has given you no good reason to believe anything will change, but plenty of reasons to run for the hills. You can and should demand better for yourself and find a man who behaves like an actual man and not an angry entitled teenager. 1
Datergirl Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 He has retinitis and can still play video games all day (using his eyes) but not work? Hhhhm.... 7
Calmandfocused Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 Firstly, your boyfriends “disability” is an excuse. I work with many people who have varying degrees of disabilities. It’s not impossible to work, adjustments can be made. Also in this day and age your boyfriend could easily get a job working from home. The reality is that your boyfriend is a freeloader. Fact! He doesn’t want to work and he wants you to support him. Wake up and smell the coffee op! Secondly your boyfriend is abusive. He may be different to your previous partner but clearly you have a type. Get rid of this guy and get to therapy to make sure you stop dating and “taking care” of these no- hopers. From previous experience I urge you to get away from him ASAP. The longer it goes on the harder it becomes.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 4 minutes ago, Datergirl said: He has retinitis and can still play video games all day (using his eyes) but not work? Hhhhm.... I was going to comment on that, too. Rather convenient that it prevents him from working but not from gaming all day. OP, with due respect, you need to wake up here. 3
balletomane Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I was going to comment on that, too. Rather convenient that it prevents him from working but not from gaming all day. OP, with due respect, you need to wake up here. Exactly. I'm a doctor who has numerous patients with Usher syndrome, which involves retinitis and sight loss. There are certain jobs that people with this condition cannot safely do (anything involving driving, for example - the peripheral vision is often compromised) but a patient who has enough sight to play video games has enough sight to do computer-based work. There is lots of adaptive technology to assist blind and partially sighted people in the workplace, so I struggle to believe that there is no job this man could conceivably do. He's taking advantage of you and his words to you about "not being that bad" show he has no intention of changing. He might temporarily be very nice to you once he realises how difficult his life would be without you paying for everything, but that will change once he feels confident he's got you back to stay. This is an abusive relationship in its own right. 5
Wiseman2 Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: I've moved back with my parent's Excellent. "Temper problem" is a way to minimize and rationalize abuse. It's tough to acknowledge you were in an abusive relationship. Be frank and honest with trusted friends and family about the abuse. It's never an anger problem. It's very controlled and calculated. Does he threaten and curse at his boss. No of course not. Read up on and research abusive relationships. It's not about you. Its about the mind bending cognitive dissonance it produces. That means the surreal feeling that someone says they love you but is out to destroy you. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Never move into someone's house as a tenant and whipping post. Become independent. Edited September 6, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
BaileyB Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 Do not bring children into this world with this man. 1
stillafool Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 11 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: I haven't moved out yet. 12 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: I've moved back with my parent's because I've been paying for most things, Which is it? Are you back with your parents? If not, you need to be. This guy's temper isn't going to get any better, he isn't going to get help and he isn't going to go to work. If you want a happy life move back to your parents, save up to get your own place and never get back with this guy again.
Wiseman2 Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 12 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: he doesn't work because of his retinitis and he doesn't get much money. Is he on disability?
skins33 Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 Highly unlikely that he has a "anger problem". I think I know about 2 people in my entire life that have seriously uncontrollable anger (and I hung around with skinheads and psychos). He more likely has a "not getting put in his place problem". And that usually stems from cutting out any negative feedback in his life. What are his relationships like with other men? What about his father? You say he plays video games all day which sounds like a child. Get him a job and put him on a building site for one week, and see his "anger problems" magically disappear. Unless he just likes having a go at women and weaker people, which would make him a quite basic bully. Hence, like I say, very unlikely an anger problem imo.
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 16 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: -told him not to especially when my previous partner was emotionally abusive, -he has no filter and can say bad things. See the pattern here? You go from on abusive relationship to another. Stop investing in these types of relationships. You are making excuses for him, and most likely was doing it with the last one. Hey I have been there. See it, know it, avoid it.
spiderowl Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) Sounds like you've done the right thing, OP. Long term relationships are great but they put both people under stresses at different points in time - money worries, job worries, marriage, children, lack of sleep, illness. If your boyfriend was showing a temper at this early stage in your relationship, you can bet it was not going to get any better. It sounds like you stopped him from hitting the wall but if you hadn't said something he would have carried on, and probably escalated. If you had stayed with him, things would have escalated anyway. He has a temper and that doesn't magically disappear. There are usually things from the past involved or some form of brain damage or brain problem. These things do not repair themselves. People often get trapped in relationships that grow violent, because they aren't at first then the violence gradually creeps in. It can start with impatience, lack of respect, a temper, hitting walls or throwing things, then moving on to assault. Often the guy (and it is more often the guy) apologises sincerely after the incident, gives excuses, and promises never to do it again, but it is a cycle. The cycle is a quiet time, followed by tension and a feeling of walking on eggshells, then the explosion of temper and violence. The person with the anger problem has to take responsibility themselves for doing something about it. Even then, I wonder how many manage to control it, even with anger management? There are always going to be times when a relationship is under great stress and then what? You have very wisely taken yourself out of this dangerous situation. Not only was the guy not able to earn a living, which puts additional strain on you, but he was going to intimidate you for the rest of your relationship. Thank goodness you got out! Edited September 6, 2021 by spiderowl 2
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 On 9/5/2021 at 11:50 PM, AmyHershaw said: I haven't moved out yet. I don't want to break up with him at this point when he's going to get help with it. He's not going to get help. He's not going to change, and you will continue being part of the statistics on domestic violence. You need to read on verbal abuse and men that punch holes in walls will eventually hit you, squeeze your arms, twist your wrist, push you. His health condition does not excuse in anyway his aggressive behavior. 1
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 Dump him the chump…he’s abusive and doesn’t even have a job or life goals
stillafool Posted September 7, 2021 Posted September 7, 2021 It's so funny with these type of threads. The minute we tell someone to leave the abuser they dissappear. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 7, 2021 Author Posted September 7, 2021 On 9/6/2021 at 4:59 AM, glows said: That you have to leave and rely on the support of your parents is very telling of how volatile or hostile and how much the relationship is no longer a union of two but divided in more ways than just his anger issues. I don’t believe in separation of couples in the hopes that things get better as it requires one person usually putting their life on hold or walking on eggshells while the other is holding that one back. I hope your parents are not enabling you in this only for you to slip back into the relationship that’s not moving forward or growing should you move out. You only have one precious lifetime to live. Don’t waste it bogged down and stuck waiting for someone. Give yourself a very clear timeline and find counselling also to help re-navigate what you want out of life if that helps. My parents were understandably unhappy with the financial situation. He quit his job because he said it would make no difference if he was working or getting the benefits for his disability. I'm looking at getting my own place. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 7, 2021 Author Posted September 7, 2021 On 9/6/2021 at 5:10 AM, basil67 said: These are the words of someone who has no intention of getting help AND doesn't see his problems as serious. Please move out and go live with your parents again. Don't make any promises as to whether you will try with him again - just give him a vague "let's see how things are in the future" as a response. That's what I'm worried about. I love him to pieces and it's breaking me. I pretty much gave him that response. I have been hoping this break will make him realise, but I'm not too positive about it. 1
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