Mind boggling break up

[I_Was_Innocent]

Hi guys , I hope all you guys are well. My relationship ended just over 3 months ago and I have moved on from this incident , but like I just need some help getting some answers.

Anyway , I met this girl in 2019,  she is my best friends niece , he introduced us. We spoke for a year and got pretty close. She seemed like a wonderful person and stuff. After some time , her uncle told me that she really likes you and I seem so different from other guys and she really wants to pursue a relationship with you.

So in Jan 2020, I began to date her and stuff. And the relationship was going well and everything seemed so perfect. She was like really head over heels for me and stuff. And by meeting her and spending time with her a lot , I could tell that she really loves me. We did not have a single hiccup and things were moving so easily with no issues.

Things were going so well and we seemed certain about each other , that we decided that we wanted to long term commit to each other and stuff. She came home and stuff with her family , and her mother told me she really wants me as her son in law. She was so head over heels for me , that she told the whole world about me, that I am the guy she is going to marry. I was even invited to attend their family functions as the future son in law. Her whole family loved me.

Let me just give you some detail on her previous relationships. She last dated somebody in high school. Then in 2018 she liked a guy , but he did not like her back. They were still friends but they weren't too close anymore. Anyway in April 2021 , I catch her cheating on me with this same friend. I saw on her phone , that she and this same friend was sexting. I confronted her about it , and her excuse for cheating was that she had sexual needs , and I am too holy for her to talk like that with me. Let me give you another backstory,  in my religion sexual relations are banned before marriage, although many couples break this rule, I am not one to do so. In addition , I am the priest of my community as well , so I was definitely not gonna break my religious rules. 

So that was her justification. She had sexual needs and wanted intimacy , and I was too holy for all of that. So she cheated on me with her friend who ain't so holy. But then she told there were no emotions behind the act and blah blah she still loves me. Me being the stupid person I am , decided to be nice , and I forgave her and gave her a chance , after she cried and begged for forgiveness.

Anyway , we managed to get passed that. And she stayed away completely from that friend. And told me she will be more holier like me and stuff and be open to me about everything. Our relationship managed to get back to how it was prior the cheating. Anyway 2 months later , she tells me she is taking up a new job , and in that job she will be working with the same guy she cheated on me with. So obviously , I felt overwhelmed and insecure. She could not handle me being overwhelming and insecure, and said she does not like it , and just dumped me with no justification, not realizing that I was only overwhelming because she was going to work with that guy. She dumped me , gave me no answers , and just blocked me off all forms of communication. I got no answers or anything. I haven't heard from her ever since she dumped me. I told my best friend , and he was completed shocked and disappointed in her. He told her mother , and her mother just messaged me to apologize for her daughters behaviour. And thats it, the relationship is over , and the world carries on as normal. 3 months have passed , no justification and no answers and I am just carrying on with my life.

It just doesn't make sense. Like if she knew I was this holy guy and she wanted an intimate pre-marital relationship and/or she knew she still had feelings for the other guy:
1) Why pursue a relationship with me in the first place?
2) Why commit to me and take thing seriously with her family? She was the one who wanted to take things serious
3) Why tell her whole family that she wants to marry me and then dump me with no justification?
4) Was I the wrong one. What did I do wrong?

She could have easily told me before our relationship began , that she wants intimacy , she could have even told me during our relationship so she could have spoke about it. She could have even told me before our relationship , that she still has feelings for the other guy if that is the case and not waste my time.

But all she did was break my heart twice. I hope to get some comments and reasoning from you guys. Thank you so much.

[salmagund1]

She's too young to marry if you ask me.   Clearly she still wants to sow her wild oats and chase after bad guys.  You are clearly not that, so if you do end up marrying - if you ask me - you can expect her to chafe at the confines of the relationship, eventually cheat on you and probably divorce you.   That's my guess.  

You've already shown your boundaries are fairly...porous.   If you will pardon her cheating she may well think you will pardon anything.  I wonder if she still even respects you.   I have some experience with women that oscillate between giving themselves body and soul to an a**h*** and then, when he strings her along and breaks her, they go to a nice guy.   Are you that guy?   I have no idea obviously.   I'm just spit balling here... 

How am I doing, do you think?

[d0nnivain]

She's a young woman brainwashed by commercial fantasies about love . .. Cinderella & all that.  She was caught up in the whirlwind of the relationship with you  I was magically but it wasn't as fulfilling as she thought it was going to be but she didn't have the maturity of the words to express the conflicting things she was experiencing.   So she acted on those feelings & cheated.  As a holy man you did the right thing for you by forgiving but as you know, sinners fall & fail.  

She just isn't ready & you can't wait for her.   This wasn't meant to be. 

It's heartbreaking but you have to let her go. 

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, I_Was_Innocent said:

Hi guys , I hope all you guys are well. My relationship ended just over 3 months ago and I have moved on from this incident , but like I just need some help getting some answers.

Anyway , I met this girl in 2019,  she is my best friends niece , he introduced us. We spoke for a year and got pretty close. She seemed like a wonderful person and stuff. After some time , her uncle told me that she really likes you and I seem so different from other guys and she really wants to pursue a relationship with you.

 

Is her uncle/your friend and the rest of her close family part of the same religion you belong to?/

 

[glows]

How old are you, OP? Your expectations from someone so young aren’t realistic. Why are you not choosing to date someone closer to your age with the same values? 

Date to see whether you’re both compatible, similar level of maturity etc. If you’re not don’t force it. Treat this as you would a learning experience. 

[I_Was_Innocent]

5 hours ago, Taramere said:

Is her uncle/your friend and the rest of her close family part of the same religion you belong to?/

 

Yes they are

 

[I_Was_Innocent]

4 hours ago, glows said:

How old are you, OP? Your expectations from someone so young aren’t realistic. Why are you not choosing to date someone closer to your age with the same values? 

Date to see whether you’re both compatible, similar level of maturity etc. If you’re not don’t force it. Treat this as you would a learning experience. 

We both are 25 years old. Well to be honest we did gel in many other aspects. I did lay it down from the get go , that I am religious and I will not get intimate until marriage. She agreed and said she will wait as well. I guess she couldn't handle the wait I guess

[I_Was_Innocent]

5 hours ago, salmagund1 said:

She's too young to marry if you ask me.   Clearly she still wants to sow her wild oats and chase after bad guys.  You are clearly not that, so if you do end up marrying - if you ask me - you can expect her to chafe at the confines of the relationship, eventually cheat on you and probably divorce you.   That's my guess.  

You've already shown your boundaries are fairly...porous.   If you will pardon her cheating she may well think you will pardon anything.  I wonder if she still even respects you.   I have some experience with women that oscillate between giving themselves body and soul to an a**h*** and then, when he strings her along and breaks her, they go to a nice guy.   Are you that guy?   I have no idea obviously.   I'm just spit balling here... 

How am I doing, do you think?

Well I do think I am a nice guy. But I certainly do not want to be the guy that girls turn to after being mistreated by "bad guys". How are you doing now?

[salmagund1]

2 minutes ago, I_Was_Innocent said:

Well I do think I am a nice guy. But I certainly do not want to be the guy that girls turn to after being mistreated by "bad guys". How are you doing now?

Well that's already a good clear boundary to establish.    

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm not certain she had any desire to cheat or be with someone else before the opportunity presented itself.

To me, it appears that she was enamored with the ideal vision of what a perfect boyfriend should be, but her desire for self-gratification overwhelmed her desire for connection. Simply put, she placed a higher importance on self-gratification.

She is young, not much relationship history and doesn't ascribe to the same Christian values as you, thus she was unable to take a step back and postpone her gratification in favor of a more essential life-long commitment. Despite the fact that she initially stated a desire for those things.

 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened.  It sounds like she was going along with the romance and fun of it all but her heart was not really in it.  Maybe she felt she ought to be with you because you are a great guy and her family liked you - it all seems great?

Problem was, she was still attracted and attached to the other guy.  She also didn't really go along with the no-sex-before-marriage thing and so was easily tempted.  Did you ever talk with her about what she wanted in that respect?  I know it's too late now, but I just wondered whether she had been given any options on that front.

Maybe you became very intense with her and she was still attracted to the other guy.  In the end, all the conflicting pressures just caused her to give up and shut down.

It's awful for you and I really feel for you.  You were genuine and loved her.  Looking back, did you see any red flags that she wasn't 'all in' this relationship?

I don't think you can ever truly get an explanation for why a relationship breaks down.  Sometimes it is something sudden like this where one party is drawn to someone else and realises they can no longer stay in their previous relationship.  It's really tough on the person who thought it was all going so well.  When we are in love and in a serious relationship, we are not looking for the red flags, we are just enjoying it for what it is.

In short, you didn't do anything wrong.  Next time, delve a little more deeply into whether you and your partner are on the same page and whether they are still holding a candle for someone else.  I know it is easy to say.  People do hide these things and they can genuinely believe they have moved on, but then suppressed feelings can reappear and take everyone by surprise.  Sorry, you sound a great guy and you will find the right person for you, once you have let this woman go.

Edited September 6, 2021 by spiderowl

[glows]

Your cue was to break up with her in April when you caught her sexting someone else. When you find out someone is capable of doing that, only walk away. You don’t need an explanation and be wary of any provided. 

Are you Christian or is this another religion? Either way, I think the fact that your best friend introduced you to her might have caused you to overlook some glaring flaws and red flags. You will know better in future. 

 

 

 

[basil67]

My guess is that she thought she could go without sex, but in the end she found abstinence was not the choice for her.   Unfortunately there was so much family pressure (such as introducing you as future son in law) that she felt she'd be letting everyone down if she ended it.  

[I_Was_Innocent]

6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I am sorry to hear what happened.  It sounds like she was going along with the romance and fun of it all but her heart was not really in it.  Maybe she felt she ought to be with you because you are a great guy and her family liked you - it all seems great?

Problem was, she was still attracted and attached to the other guy.  She also didn't really go along with the no-sex-before-marriage thing and so was easily tempted.  Did you ever talk with her about what she wanted in that respect?  I know it's too late now, but I just wondered whether she had been given any options on that front.

Maybe you became very intense with her and she was still attracted to the other guy.  In the end, all the conflicting pressures just caused her to give up and shut down.

It's awful for you and I really feel for you.  You were genuine and loved her.  Looking back, did you see any red flags that she wasn't 'all in' this relationship?

I don't think you can ever truly get an explanation for why a relationship breaks down.  Sometimes it is something sudden like this where one party is drawn to someone else and realises they can no longer stay in their previous relationship.  It's really tough on the person who thought it was all going so well.  When we are in love and in a serious relationship, we are not looking for the red flags, we are just enjoying it for what it is.

In short, you didn't do anything wrong.  Next time, delve a little more deeply into whether you and your partner are on the same page and whether they are still holding a candle for someone else.  I know it is easy to say.  People do hide these things and they can genuinely believe they have moved on, but then suppressed feelings can reappear and take everyone by surprise.  Sorry, you sound a great guy and you will find the right person for you, once you have let this woman go.

Hi there , thank you for your response. I actually did speak to her about intimacy before marriage. And I told her my viewpoint and she told me hers. And she told me she did not mind waiting. But I guess temptation got the best of her.  In terms of being intense , I was always calm. The only thing I did was send her one long message letting her know my feelings when she did tell me she is going to work with that guy. I'm literally not sugercoating anything. Also with regards to red flags , I genuinely did not see anything

[I_Was_Innocent]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Your cue was to break up with her in April when you caught her sexting someone else. When you find out someone is capable of doing that, only walk away. You don’t need an explanation and be wary of any provided. 

Are you Christian or is this another religion? Either way, I think the fact that your best friend introduced you to her might have caused you to overlook some glaring flaws and red flags. You will know better in future. 

 

 

 

In another religion. Yes that is something that influenced things as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

She got carried away in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, but in the end, it was not the right match for her. 

That does not justify cheating, to be perfectly clear. That was wrong, no question about it. But it wasn't going to last anyway. She made promises that she could not keep and it is clear your beliefs and hers do not align. You should have let her go when you caught her sexting - that was you cue that she wasn't into this relationship anymore. 

I am sorry you had this experience, OP. But hopefully you will learn from it too - watch someone's behaviour, and shut it all down when you see something as bad as sexting with another man. Don't try to "work on" things like that. Just let them go. 

[I_Was_Innocent]

Checked my emails last night

"You wanted justification , well here it is. I just felt that we weren't going to get passed the entire cheating saga. You had every right to feel insecure and it is completely not your fault , but I just felt that my actions were always going to come back to bite me in the present. I don't like that , so I decided to end things.

We've had good times which were wonderful and the bad times were really horrible. I'm once again also not denying my actions , if I haven't done what I did, none of this would have happened. I messed up and my actions ruined this relationship.

I know I am wrong. I don't want to leave you angry at me, so I do apologize for all the hurt that was caused, I am sorry and I genuinely mean it. 

I wish you the best in your future endeavors and hope you succeed in your career."  

[basil67]

This makes perfect sense.  I'm glad you finally got to the truth of why she ended it. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, I_Was_Innocent said:

 I wish you the best in your future endeavors and hope you succeed in your career."  

Sorry this happened. Was this an arranged marriage situation? 

You were incompatible, unfortunately.

Hopefully this communication will give you the closure you need to move forward.

Next time make sure someone is onboard 100% with your celibacy before marriage and your position and all the restrictions of being a priest in your community.

It's unclear whether any affection is allowed in your religion/culture proir to marriage or if that is your personal interpretation.

[I_Was_Innocent]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Was this an arranged marriage situation? 

You were incompatible, unfortunately.

Hopefully this communication will give you the closure you need to move forward.

Next time make sure someone is onboard 100% with your celibacy before marriage and your position and all the restrictions of being a priest in your community.

It's unclear whether any affection is allowed in your religion/culture proir to marriage or if that is your personal interpretation.

Hi there , no this was not arranged. We starting speaking to each other and meeting up. Eventually we started to date. Then after some time , we decided to things seriously with our families.

Yes definitely , next time I will make sure that the next person is onboard. She told she was onboard initially , but I guess she could not handle it.

According to my culture/religion , affection is allowed in terms of developing feelings and love etc. But intimacy is not allowed