Am I Wrong for Walking Out on Ex GF

[vwisme]

Ex (25F) broke up with me (29M) and texted me a couple of weeks ago saying she misses me. I took sometime to reflect and think about it as my situationship w/ a now-friend had just ended. I replied saying I missed her a week or so later and we started talking. We talked about our mistakes and it was a great conversation. She said how she was turning her life around, going to therapy (which was such an issue before bc she did need it due to past trauma - according to her). She then said (verbatim) "You're my soulmate and I want to make this work. I validated her feelings but told her she broke up with me so if anything were to happen, it'd have to be slowly - to which she agreed.

So we've been hanging out, hooking up, and having fun. But I told her we need to sit and have a conversation about us, why we broke up, and what we both need moving forward. For one reason or another, it kept being put off by her. At one point she stated she didn't want to dwell on the past as it no longer matters. I let her know a couple of days ago that I would need to have a conversation before moving forward. She agrees so after dinner with her family last night, we are at her place and she can tell I'm anxious. I let her know the conversation has been weighing on me pretty heavily. She says that makes her nervous and asks why? I let her know I've just been thinking about the future and what it looks like to which she asks if it involves her. I tell her idk. That's what I want to see through this conversation. So she says let's talk and tells me to lay it all out on the floor. So I did. These are all the points I made.

 

• Why did you break up with me?
  • She replies she was afraid and self sabotaged. She knew I was the one and it scared her enough to run away. I reply saying I understand and while I empathize, we will need to move slowly so I can trust her fully again as I was done with us being on and off (for the last year).
• You're an amazing person but sometimes you let your anger get the best of you. You name call during arguments and get incredibly mean when you don't get your way. I love you but I've realized I deserve better than that. We're not perfect and I'll for sure mess up but we don't have to treat each other like that during disagreements.
  • She said she understand and that's fine
• I then asked why she's so quick to argue about simple things? For example, I was out with friends the other night and wasn't texting her. She then said something along the lines of "Is something wrong?" Which I said no. She said "oh okay. So you don't want to talk? Okay. Bye"
  • She said she was sorry and sometimes she takes things out of context.

 

 

[glows]

You seem to have unusual insecurities about body image but not specifically yourself, in your partner. Things blew out of proportion because your comment about health was left field. If you choose a partner to be with, you also accept their choices and can discern whether or not their lifestyle is healthy. There is simply no need at all to have a discussion about health as it does imply that she can’t make healthy decisions. 

Overall both of you are dysfunctional and unkind towards one another. There’s not enough communication and neither of you respect the desire to move slowly or date. You say you want to take it slowly yet agree to have sex with her. You contradict yourself. She doesn’t respect you. You also don’t respect her. 

Things didn’t work out reconciling because going slowly or communicating didn’t work. Neither of you adhered to that or practiced enough respect for the other’s choices or concerns. 
 

Edited September 5, 2021 by glows

[vwisme]

This may be an agree to disagree but I personally believe speaking lovingly but candidly is needed for a healthy relationship. And if someone you care about is having issues making unhealthy choices (not just with weight), having a discussion about it is crucial. 

May I ask, what leads you to believe I have an insecurity about my partner's body? 

[Taramere]

3 hours ago, vwisme said:

She basically says "No. Leave. I'll be the villain. You can tell everyone. Just leave since that's all you want to do". I reply calmly "I love you and I would love to stay but everything you're saying and doing is telling me to leave. How can I be here for you? I know I'm not perfect and that conversation was not easy for either of us but I do want to work this out". She proceeds to tell me I don't care about her, I'm a coward, and I never stick around when things get tough. At this point I tell her I care for her but she's name calling, attacking, stonewalling, and I don't know what to do so I'm going to leave.

I walk out and she calls me to tell me I never cared about her, that I could've asked how I could help her be better instead of pointing the finger, and I'm a coward for leaving. Then just hangs up. Then calls two more times but I don't pick up. She texts me some more and I finally had enough saying I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she was not receptive. I told her she wasn't taking accountability and responsibility and while I love her, I'm staying at someone's if I'm not welcome or if I'm being verbally attacked. 

She replied saying "this is over. never contact me again. I'm blocking you on everything and if you don't get off my property, I'm calling the cops".

Soooo here we are. No. I do not care to get back together with her but I wonder if I was wrong for walking out and sticking to my boundaries. 

Where to start?  We talk a lot about mental health issues. Depending on their circumstances, I think anybody can develop mental health problems in the same way that anybody can develop physical health problems...so I don't believe in categorising people as being with or without mental health issues.  Some people have good awareness of any mental health issues they might have, some don't.  Those who lack awareness probably present and run into more problems than those who don't.  Then, however, there is the problem of people who have mental health issues, have awareness of them - but instead of taking responsibility for addressing them, believe that everybody else must constantly make allowances for them.  The people close to them who do constantly make allowances will often enable them to avoid taking responsibility for their own mental health - and pass that responsibility, instead, onto others.

Your ex sounds, to me, as though she's in that category.  As far as this part (in response to Glows' post) goes...

 

Quote

 

This may be an agree to disagree but I personally believe speaking lovingly but candidly is needed for a healthy relationship. And if someone you care about is having issues making unhealthy choices (not just with weight), having a discussion about it is crucial. 

May I ask, what leads you to believe I have an insecurity about my partner's body? 

 

I would agree with you to a certain extent.  However, if your ex is in therapy, there may well be a lot of things on her "to address" list and it might be that as important as healthy eating is, it's currently prioritised beneath "improving self esteem and body image."  When people feel bad about their bodies and possibly even have a sense of dislike for their bodies as a result, they're not necessarily going to treat those bodies particularly well.  You'll be aware of extreme examples where people develop eating disorders consisting of starvation, binge, purge cycles that take a terrible toll on the body.  Women in particular are vulnerable to developing those disorders, particularly younger women and women who are struggling with their mental health.  So while your intentions in talking about your partner's lifestyle choices were good, it's possible that if she's already in therapy trying to work on certain issues, your comments about her choices led to her feeling swamped with "things you need to fix about yourself".

That's just speculation of course, and here's the other thing.   People who have the opportunities afforded by access to a good therapist have a responsibility to themselves and others close to them to make good use of that therapy.  To learn better communication methods so as to minimise the risk of upsetting themselves and those around them with the kind of conversation you described.  So in the event that your ex did feel swamped by the the things you were saying about her lifestyle choice, she could say that.  She could have made the effort to explain why she was feeling the way she was without swamping you with a ton of blame and recriminations.  From what you describe you remained calm, you didn't respond in kind or with snipes to angry, blaming and vitriolic commentary...but she continued to lash out again and again and again.

It sounds like the sort of behaviour that might have some severe insecurity and abandonment issues are at the root of it.  

Quote

this is over. never contact me again. I'm blocking you on everything

I've a male friend who did something similar with me, and who (according to a mutual friend) has been doing it with a whole load of other people.  The messages he sent me were evidently aiming at the jugular.  I could almost see the grimly satisfied sneering smirk on his face as he hit the send button.  "I don't care.  I'm just going right for the jugular.  I'm going to burn this bridge for once and for all.  This'll hit her hard."  And you get the message, and all you think is "well, I didn't start the fire - but I'm not averse to see that particular bridge being burned to the ground."

From what you've said, that's how I'd see this situation if I were you.  Not that I'd learn nothing whatsoever from it.  I do think that when you're discussing things like healthy eating and exercise choices with a person, it's important to tread with some care.  When somebody is in a bad place, they often need to proceed out of it with baby steps and that's best accomplished if others aren't swamping them (and it's very easy for a person in that place to feel swamped, even if that's the last thing you intended for them to feel) with ideas and plans to improve their health life.

 

[d0nnivain]

You wanted certain things she was never going to give you but frankly in her shoes I understand why she reacted the way she did.  You fail to recognize that no matter what you actually said, your discussion about her eating habits & your complaints about your EX letting herself go, caused this woman to hear you calling her fat & unattractive.  I am not saying you did that per se but you have to understand how it sounded on her side.  She got hurt & shut down.  Then you abandoned her.  

All in all you need to be apart.  

[glows]

1 hour ago, vwisme said:

This may be an agree to disagree but I personally believe speaking lovingly but candidly is needed for a healthy relationship. And if someone you care about is having issues making unhealthy choices (not just with weight), having a discussion about it is crucial. 

May I ask, what leads you to believe I have an insecurity about my partner's body? 

You mentioned your past baggage about your college sweetheart letting herself go. You’re insecure about that and projected it onto your more recent ex here. Leave out comments like that in future if you don’t want unnecessary bickering and for others to get hurt or offended. It’s not your partner’s problem that you had issues with old ex.

Generally comments about eating or food choices, health choices in solid and respectful relationships aren’t required. You’re together because you respect one another and your lifestyles. Having to explain what healthy choices are to someone else is taking on a policing or parental role. Why should you waste your breath over someone who doesn’t share the same views or with whom you distrust so much about what they choose to eat? Don’t even go there. 

Date someone else whom you don’t feel so uncertain about. You’ll save yourself the headache and nonstop fights.

[vwisme]

3 hours ago, Taramere said:

When somebody is in a bad place, they often need to proceed out of it with baby steps and that's best accomplished if others aren't swamping them (and it's very easy for a person in that place to feel swamped, even if that's the last thing you intended for them to feel) with ideas and plans to improve their health life

I think that's what made this conversations so tragic in my book. It's easy to feel flooded (as I have felt the same before) with negative emotions and this wasn't meant to be a "fix yourself" conversation. It was supposed to be a "what do we want and what do we need moving forward" conversation. I could have done better by intentionally stopping the conversation and asking for feedback. I've definitely learned a few things 

The thing is I also left numerous openings in the conversation asking how she felt, what she was thinking, etc. If she was okay. I wish she did not go for the jugular but like you said, I didn't start the fire but I'm okay with letting the bridge burn.

[vwisme]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You wanted certain things she was never going to give you but frankly in her shoes I understand why she reacted the way she did.  You fail to recognize that no matter what you actually said, your discussion about her eating habits & your complaints about your EX letting herself go, caused this woman to hear you calling her fat & unattractive.  I am not saying you did that per se but you have to understand how it sounded on her side.  She got hurt & shut down.  Then you abandoned her.  

All in all you need to be apart.  

I agree that we need to be apart. That was evident by how things turned out. 

It's not what I said per se but I could easily see why it'd come across that way. She got hurt and shut down. That's understandable and I've done that before. I contend that I did not abandon her though. I didn't just up and leave. I asked to stay. I asked her what I needed and what would make her feel better. Walking out was not what I wanted to do but I felt darned if I do and darned if I don't

[vwisme]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Date someone else whom you don’t feel so uncertain about. You’ll save yourself the headache and nonstop fights.

While I don't know if I fully agree with your statements on health, it does boil down to this. Thank you. I appreciate your comments and your feedback. This has been a learning lesson for sure. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, vwisme said:

This may be an agree to disagree but I personally believe speaking lovingly but candidly is needed for a healthy relationship. And if someone you care about is having issues making unhealthy choices (not just with weight), having a discussion about it is crucial. 

Your message was not loving - it was an ultimatum.  You told her that the two of you won't have a life together if she doesn't get her weight under control and then you underscored it by telling her how the weight of your ex girlfriend ruined that relationship.  Your words made it very clear that you won't stick around if she puts on weight. 

If you're putting out ultimatums, your relationship is not healthy.   That's not to say that you can't make the decision to leave her if you don't like her weight, but given what you said, she reacted in a completely expected way.  

Edited September 5, 2021 by basil67

[vwisme]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your message was not loving - it was an ultimatum.  You told her that the two of you won't have a life together if she doesn't get her weight under control and then you underscored it by telling her how the weight of your ex girlfriend ruined that relationship.  Your words made it very clear that you won't stick around if she puts on weight. 

If you're putting out ultimatums, your relationship is not healthy.   That's not to say that you can't make the decision to leave her if you don't like her weight, but given what you said, she reacted in a completely expected way.  

I'm sorry if this is being misconstrued. I did not say "her weight" needs to be under control. It is her health. Her weight is a part of the problem but not all of it. And while I agree on ultimatums usually being a bad thing - I do not believe that's the case here. My words were very clear that if she didn't take her health seriously that I wouldn't stick around.

I was wrong for underscoring it with my ex gf. I was trying to give context to why this was an issue for me but in hindsight it wasn't the best approach. All in all, it's sad to consider that my message was not loving. That wasn't my intention and the very aim I had was for it to be loving. Thank you for this feedback. 

In your opinion, how would you go about this? Would it be best to walk away?Just call it a day and walk away? Have the conversation in another way? I'm open to feed back and taking this as a learning opportunity.

[spiderowl]

No, you are not wrong for sticking to your boundaries, OP, but she was truly angry with you and understandably so in my opinion.

You wanted to get back together with her but you make it a condition that she watches her weight?  It is clearly something that matters to you, so you need a woman who is equally obsessed with health and fitness.  You two were just incompatible.

We don't really know why you both broke up but if you have a way of making her feel less than desirable, it is not at all surprising.

I hope you find someone who shares the same ideals as you.

[Interstellar]

Hallelujah, you finally got the strength to walk away. I’m gonna have to award you the Congressional medal of honor.

Your mistake was getting back together with her. The issues that broke you up are still there. She hasn’t changed.
 

One chance, per girl, per lifetime. When it’s over, it’s over. 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Interstellar

[vwisme]

41 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

You two were just incompatible.

At the end of the day, I think that's what it boils down to. Health is important to me but the biggest issue is that it's something she professed was important ot her but actions showed differently. I've had this same conversation given to me in the past by significant others when I gained a lot f weight. It was a loving conversation but all in all, this one just wasn't it for either of us. 

[vwisme]

34 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

Hallelujah, you finally got the strength to walk away. I’m gonna have to award you the Congressional medal of honor.

Your mistake was getting back together with her. The issues that broke you up are still there. She hasn’t changed.
 

One chance, per girl, per lifetime. When it’s over, it’s over. 

I think people do deserve second chances (unless something major occurs) but when reflecting on issues in our past relationship, the same issues were present now. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, vwisme said:

I'm sorry if this is being misconstrued. I did not say "her weight" needs to be under control. It is her health. Her weight is a part of the problem but not all of it. And while I agree on ultimatums usually being a bad thing - I do not believe that's the case here. My words were very clear that if she didn't take her health seriously that I wouldn't stick around.

I was wrong for underscoring it with my ex gf. I was trying to give context to why this was an issue for me but in hindsight it wasn't the best approach. All in all, it's sad to consider that my message was not loving. That wasn't my intention and the very aim I had was for it to be loving. Thank you for this feedback. 

In your opinion, how would you go about this? Would it be best to walk away?Just call it a day and walk away? Have the conversation in another way? I'm open to feed back and taking this as a learning opportunity.

With regards to her health, you've only talked about how much she eats and your ex "letting herself go" so it really does sound to me like sound like your focus is on weight.   And it's how she interpreted it too.  

If you were wanting to be more loving and supportive, you would start by recognizing that her eating is likely connected to her mental health.  And she IS seeking help for her mental health, and as such hopefully the eating will be covered in all of this.   I would be more likely to find words to ask if the connection between food and mental health is something they are covering.  But how to do that nicely and without adding to her existing issues, I truly have no idea.

[Interstellar]

2 hours ago, vwisme said:

I think people do deserve second chances (unless something major occurs) but when reflecting on issues in our past relationship, the same issues were present now. 

believe it now. there are plenty of miserably married men all throughout, and it all started when they didn’t look at the red flags while dating.

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, vwisme said:

In your opinion, how would you go about this? Would it be best to walk away?Just call it a day and walk away? Have the conversation in another way? I'm open to feed back and taking this as a learning opportunity.

Actions more than words would have served you better.  Making healthier meals, shopping for healthier groceries with her, doling out proper portions & scheduling healthy activities for the two of you would have been the better way to address the issue. 

When you talked about reconciling you focused on 

* her need for therapy

* her fears about commitment & self sabotage 

* her eating habits 

* her anger & short temper

At no point did you talk about your role in any of this.  When she got upset & turned away from you, had you spooned up behind her & held her sort of physical proof that you wanted to fight for the relationship & that you would be there for her, things may have gone differently.  But there was too much blame.  Even if you had gotten out of bed & gone into the living room to let her cool off & regroup that would have been giving her space without walking out.  Instead you abandoned her.  

Edited September 6, 2021 by d0nnivain

[vwisme]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

With regards to her health, you've only talked about how much she eats and your ex "letting herself go" so it really does sound to me like sound like your focus is on weight.   And it's how she interpreted it too.  

If you were wanting to be more loving and supportive, you would start by recognizing that her eating is likely connected to her mental health.  And she IS seeking help for her mental health, and as such hopefully the eating will be covered in all of this.   I would be more likely to find words to ask if the connection between food and mental health is something they are covering.  But how to do that nicely and without adding to her existing issues, I truly have no idea.

I see how that came across that way. That wasn't my intention but I fully see it. Thank you. I also don't know how it could have come across nicely and without being insulting. I tried but I see I failed. 

[vwisme]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

At no point did you talk about your role in any of this.  When she got upset & turned away from you, had you spooned up behind her & held her sort of physical proof that you wanted to fight for the relationship & that you would be there for her, things may have gone differently.  But there was too much blame.  Even if you had gotten out of bed & gone into the living room to let her cool off & regroup that would have been giving her space without walking out.  Instead you abandoned her.  

I actually took a lot of responsibility in the conversation. Numerous times I said "I know there are things that I do that don't help the situation" and other accountability statements. I did try to spoon her, to be close to her. Her reactions were the very reason I thought it best to step away.

It was when the attacks started that I decided it best ot leave.

[d0nnivain]

OK that wasn't clear from your previous posts.  If you were accepting responsibility for you part in things & she attacked you leaving & ending this was your best option.  This relationship ran its course & you two had too many differences.  

[vwisme]

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

OK that wasn't clear from your previous posts.  If you were accepting responsibility for you part in things & she attacked you leaving & ending this was your best option.  This relationship ran its course & you two had too many differences.  

I wish this weren't the case. But I'm afraid that this is true. 

At this point she's gone back to blocking me on everything and it's for the best. It's best to move on.

Edited September 6, 2021 by vwisme

[Taramere]

On 9/6/2021 at 2:08 AM, vwisme said:

At the end of the day, I think that's what it boils down to. Health is important to me but the biggest issue is that it's something she professed was important ot her but actions showed differently. I've had this same conversation given to me in the past by significant others when I gained a lot f weight. It was a loving conversation but all in all, this one just wasn't it for either of us. 

Just a bit of advice for future reference.  When men are trying to motivate women regarding health and fitness goals, I think it often goes pretty badly wrong.  I know I'm stereotyping here, but there are often certain patterns that give rise to the stereotypes.  A lot of men I know seem to really respond to the "Drill Sergeant" approach...whereas I think women are more likely to find it annoying and demotivating.  Even when their partners try to soften the approach, ultimately it can be too much "here's what you need to do" as opposed to exploring what works for that particular person.  

You mentioned that you've made improvements to your life through a health and fitness regime, and I think when you feel improvements kicking in it can become difficult to resist the urge to be a bit zealous about encouraging others to do the same.  You also mentioned that your ex gf had been working out, but eats a lot on cheat days.  I think when you're trying to help somebody and you're faced with that situation the first thing is to ask them how they felt about their work-outs...which bits they liked and felt better for, and which parts they dreaded. 

I've had people urge me to do these high intensity interval burst work outs.  I don't take that advice on, because I've tried it in the past.  While I was able to sustain it for a while (and even become as zealous about it as the people advising me to try it were), the mild sense of dread about the high intensity bursts wasn't sufficiently countered by any positive feelings connected with the work out.  I know some people really love that drill sergeant approach - but for me, people urging or yelling at me to "keep going, keep going" actually just makes me start to associate exercise with noise that I find unpleasant.  So I stop working out with/around people like that in order to stop the noise.  Even though I know that noise is made with good intentions by people who genuinely want to see me improve my fitness.

The mere mention of "cheat meals" makes my heart sink.  For me, just wording it in that way creates an inevitability that a) eventually those meals are going to happen, and b) when they do happen, a certain degree of "oh well, might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb" thinking will creep in.  It's human nature to want to eat delicious food, and to find it moreish.  It's also perfectly normal to loosen the reins here and there to allow ourselves a treat.  Encouraging people to feel bad abut those times they've loosened the reins might just make it harder for them to get back on the wagon.  It's not about never loosening the reins.  It's about learning to loosen the reins here and there without shifting into a mindset where it becomes very difficult to switch back into the healthy routine afterwards.  

A man enthusiastically coaching a woman in some sort of exercise routine (I often see it going on in the park) is such a common sight that sometimes I wonder if part of the excitement about getting a girlfriend involves a certain amount of "now I can be one of those guys who's coaching and motivating his woman to get a harder body using my preferred fitness methods."  But there are probably a lot of women who aren't very enthusiastic about that scenario of huffing and puffing with repetitions in the gym while a boyfriend urges them on.  Who'd maybe just be happier getting their exercise by walking the dog, doing some yoga or pilates and doing some form of sport they like from time to time.  So yeah.  More questions about what kind of exercise and healthy living approaches she actually enjoys and gets something out of, and less "here's what works for me, and it'll work for you too" advice is probably an approach that a lot of men would find a bit more effective in the long term, when they're trying to gently push their girlfriends towards a healthier way of living.

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by Taramere

[vwisme]

2 hours ago, Taramere said:

More questions about what kind of exercise and healthy living approaches she actually enjoys and gets something out of, and less "here's what works for me, and it'll work for you too" advice is probably an approach that a lot of men would find a bit more effective in the long term, when they're trying to gently push their girlfriends towards a healthier way of living.

 

 

Thank you so much for your advice. My hope was to steer the conversation in that direction but can easily see how I may have come across as a drill sergeant. Mind you, I don't think I did but how many times have said/done something that comes across another way to someone else. That can totally be the case in this situation.

I think there's a huge importance in cheat meals. I believe in loosening the reins so I apologize if my posting came across like it was some David Goggins level conversation. 

All in all, I think what you and others have stated here  is extremely helpful. Maybe the best approach is to come in asking questions when it comes to health. It's sad because my whole intention was to have a conversation but that didn't seem to be happening. I'm frustrated by that but at least I can learn new ways to communicate when a hard conversation needs to happen in the future. 

Thank you. 

Edited September 8, 2021 by vwisme

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, vwisme said:

 

Thank you so much for your advice. My hope was to steer the conversation in that direction but can easily see how I may have come across as a drill sergeant. Mind you, I don't think I did but how many times have said/done something that comes across another way to someone else. That can totally be the case in this situation.

I think there's a huge importance in cheat meals. I believe in loosening the reins so I apologize if my posting came across like it was some David Goggins level conversation. 

All in all, I think what you and others have stated here  is extremely helpful. Maybe the best approach is to come in asking questions when it comes to health. It's sad because my whole intention was to have a conversation but that didn't seem to be happening. I'm frustrated by that but at least I can learn new ways to communicate when a hard conversation needs to happen in the future. 

Thank you. 

You're welcome.  I think when it comes to discussions about health and fitness, avoiding sounding bossy is probably something close to an artform.  No matter how nice we try to be, if the person we're talking to really doesn't want to stop eating disc sized cookies (and let's face it, some of those things are insanely delicious), or start doing 100 crunches every morning, or cutting out carbs...however we put it, their "I'm being bossed around" radar will be on high alert.

But yeah.  Lots of questions is always good.  Apart from anything, we have to ask questions in order to figure out how to help somebody.   Often just talking about what sort of activities and sports they like doing will get somebody in the mood for doing those activities - when maybe they haven't done it for a while.  But probably a main thing to remember is that when people are in a depressive state of mind, it often doesn't take very much at all for them to feel swamped and overwhelmed.  Which is why small, manageable improvements that encourage people to stay in the moment a bit more (and feel good about small steps of progress) rather than constantly focusing on all the end goals they want to bring about are so important.