Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) So this will be kind of a long backstory to a question so I'm sorry in advance. We are both teenagers and we both live with our parents, but when we are done with school, both of us agreed want to move in together. We have been talking for about 6 months now we have gone on dates we have done intimate things and everything. we work together but go to different schools. We are on the phone with eachother anytime we are apart, texting eachother during most of our classes, and on a call or FaceTime every night. So I don't think she is talking to other guys or anything like that because I dont really think she has time to lol. She also gets mad at me for having any kind of conversation with another girl and asks if I'm cheating on her. She says things like "if we dated...". Everyone at our work constantly asks if we date because we are always flirting alot and we are always really close and a little bit touchy at work. But she told me that she isn't ready for a relationship right now, she said she is worried that if we "actually started dating" our relationship would change. I tried telling her that nothing will ever change the way I feel about her but she still doesn't want to date. I dont really care about labeling us as "dating" I'm mostly just worried if there is a secret reason she isn't telling me. So I'm just wondering if anyone has any idea on anything I should do, or possibly if anyone has had something similar happen to them? I truly do love this woman and I would do anything for her. Also, I forgot to mention I did get her a promise ring and she says she wears it everyday. I cannot varify if she does it does not though. Also, also, we have talked about marriage and having kids a few times. And yes I know talking about marriage and kids at our age is kind of crazy, but I truly do love her and I honestly think she could be the one that I could spend the rest of my life with. So please dont tell me things like "your too young" or anything like that, I hear it all the time To anyone who made it this far, I'm sorry you had to read all that, but do you have any advice for me? Thanks Edited September 5, 2021 by Idk124 I proof read it and some things made no sense. Also spelling errors.
glows Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 She doesn’t want to date you and you gave her a promise ring. You’re rushing this way too quickly and forcing the situation. Are you anxious that she’ll leave you to pursue other ventures? Ie college in another state or city or country? Find someone else more attractive or has better standing? What’s the big anxiety or rush to live together when you’re not even dating? I ask to get a better sense of what’s motivating you. Give it more time to blossom naturally. You’ll know if you’re compatible and whether your futures match or converge over time.
ShyViolet Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 If she truly wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be making excuses as to why she doesn't want to date. She would be jumping at the chance. You need to back off and give her space. Why on earth would you be bending over backwards trying to get someone to be with you who doesn't want to be with you? Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. In the meantime, don't be that person that is on your knees begging someone to be with you who is making it clear they don't want to. Have a little more dignity than that.
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, glows said: She doesn’t want to date you and you gave her a promise ring. You’re rushing this way too quickly and forcing the situation. Are you anxious that she’ll leave you to pursue other ventures? Ie college in another state or city or country? Find someone else more attractive or has better standing? What’s the big anxiety or rush to live together when you’re not even dating? I ask to get a better sense of what’s motivating you. Give it more time to blossom naturally. You’ll know if you’re compatible and whether your futures match or converge over time. Well I should've elaborated more, i didnt exactly mean it as a promise ring, I just wanted to get hers nice ring because I know she likes rings. Edited September 5, 2021 by Idk124
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: If she truly wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be making excuses as to why she doesn't want to date. She would be jumping at the chance. You need to back off and give her space. Why on earth would you be bending over backwards trying to get someone to be with you who doesn't want to be with you? Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. In the meantime, don't be that person that is on your knees begging someone to be with you who is making it clear they don't want to. Have a little more dignity than that. I have backed off and gave her space, but it doesn't work, she continues to text and call me first. And she continues to ask to hang out. But I dont really think I'm begging, if she doesn't want to be with me I'm fine with that, yea it sucks but if she doesn't want it, it won't happen. And I've told her that if she doesn't want to be with me to just tell me, but she always says she wants to be with me just not right now. As a side note, her parents have never let her date white guys, so maybe it has something to do with that? (She is Mexican) Edited September 5, 2021 by Idk124
poppyfields Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Idk124 said: She told me that she isn't ready for a relationship right now, she said she is worried that if we "actually started dating" our relationship would change. This^ is quite telling and speaks volumes, about her fear. Her fear that once you "have her," have "conquered" her, you will become bored and leave. It's a legit fear! Because it DOES happen, a lot. She enjoys the dynamic now - you chasing and attempting to convince. It keeps you engaged and interested! She may have experienced other men running off once she agreed to what they wanted (a "relationship"), again it DOES happen. At some point however, trust should develop, she should TRUST that this won't happen, and the fear goes away. Her actions reflect she IS into you, so my advice would be stop pressuring her for a relationship, or even a label. Enjoy what's happening and allow things to develop naturally and organically. Make HER wonder a bit about what you want, what you are doing!! Maintain a safe distance, mentally, emotionally, physically Do not allow her to manipulate you, she cannot have it both ways. Be strong, and maintain boundaries, that is how you earn a women's respect, not by allowing HER to call the shots. JMO. Edited September 5, 2021 by poppyfields 1 1
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 Also I should have said, we have known each other for about a year and have been friends for that long. But we have been really talking for about 6-7 months.
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: This^ is quite telling and speaks volumes, about her fear. Her fear that once you "have her," have "conquered" her, you will become bored and leave. It's a legit fear! Because it DOES happen, a lot. She enjoys the dynamic now - you chasing and attempting to convince. It keeps you engaged and interested! She may have experienced other men running off once she agreed to what they wanted (a "relationship"), again it DOES happen. At some point however, trust should develop, she TRUSTS that this won't happen, and the fear goes away. Her actions show is IS into you, so my advice would be stop pressuring her for a relationship, or even a label. Enjoy what's happening and allow things to develop naturally and organically. Make HER wonder a bit about what you want, what you are doing!! Maintain a safe distance, mentally, emotionally, physically Do not allow her to manipulate her, she cannot have it both ways. Be strong, and maintain boundaries, that is how you earn a women's respect, not by allowing HER to call the shots. I'm not pressuring her, I never bring up the fact that I want to date her, because I don't want to sound clingy or desperate or anything. Because I'm not, I don't really mind that we don't "date" I just didn't really understand her reasoning behind saying she didn't want to date right now. I mostly just want to figure out if there is a chance she is truly into me. Because I was not aware that, that was a true fear to be honest, and that is horrible to do to someone.
poppyfields Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Idk124 said: I'm not pressuring her, I never bring up the fact that I want to date her, because I don't want to sound clingy or desperate or anything. Because I'm not, I don't really mind that we don't "date" I just didn't really understand her reasoning behind saying she didn't want to date right now. I mostly just want to figure out if there is a chance she is truly into me. Because I was not aware that, that was a true fear to be honest, and that is horrible to do to someone. Why dont you ask HER? She is sending quite a few mixed messages. I mean her actions - texting often, FaceTiming, wanting to hang out, touchy/feely, her jealousy and possessiveness when you talk to other girls, asking if you of cheating? WTF, how can she think you are cheating when, according to her, you are not even dating?!! You have the right to talk to AND go out with whomever you please, and you should! No wonder you are so confused, but YOU are adding to your own confusion by not properly confronting her about these "mixed messages" aka her undeniable and inane bull shyt. Be strong, be direct. Be a LEADER. Dont assume. Frankly, she's all over the place, and YOU are allowing it. That's on you. Edited September 5, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Why dont you ask HER? She is sending quite a few mixed messages. I mean her actions - texting often, wanting to hang out, her jealousy and possessiveness when you talk to other girls, asking if you of cheating? WTF, how can she think you are cheating when, according to her, you are not even dating?!! No wonder you are so confused, but YOU are adding to your own confusion by not properly confronting her about these "mixed messages" aka her bull shyt. Be strong, be direct. Be a LEADER. Dont assume. Frankly, she's all over the place, and YOU are allowing it. That's on you. I am a very shy person. I have sat her down and talked to her about it once but that led to her saying that she wanted to be in a relationship, just not right now. But I never thought aboth it that way, I am basically allowing her to do it. But yes I am very confused because she is sending mixed messages. Do you have any advice on how I should come front her about it?
poppyfields Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Idk124 said: I have sat her down and talked to her about it once but that led to her saying that she wanted to be in a relationship, just not right now Lol, what's up with this "you sat her down and talked to her?" is she your child? My dad was the only man who ever "sat me down to have a talk." Okay, maybe that was a figure of speech, but anyway, your entire frame needs changing. You should try stepping out of your safe shy comfort zone and become stronger, more confident and more direct. If you don't feel that way then act "as if" until you do. Tons of info on Google about that. But this girl makes zero sense; on its face it appears she is jerking you around, you are an orbiter, being used for attention and validation. But that's an assumption, I have no idea what's up with her. BUT since you are not "dating," then stop treating your interaction like it is dating! Stop being so available, stop texting so much and FTiming. Talk to and meet other women. When she asks or accuses you of "cheating," be strong, direct, no nonsense and tell her "we are not dating, therefore there is no 'cheating.'" I mean that's just plain nuts. Try to get to the place where HER reactions to what you do or say do NOT matter. Her reactions should not guide your purpose. What's important is that you are true to yourself and what YOU want, if she doesn't want the same, then act accordingly, which includes keeping your options open OR walking away. Edited September 5, 2021 by poppyfields 1
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 11 hours ago, Idk124 said: To anyone who made it this far, I'm sorry you had to read all that, but do you have any advice for me? Slow down. This also feels very one sided. You are over the top & she's not ready for the intensity that you bring to this. Go at her pace & stop pressuring her.
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Lol, what's up with this "you sat her down and talked to her?" is she your child? My dad was the only man who ever "sat me down to have a talk." Okay, maybe that was a figure of speech, but anyway, your entire frame needs changing. You should try stepping out of your safe shy comfort zone and become stronger, more confident and more direct. If you don't feel that way then act "as if" until you do. Tons of info on Google about that. But this girl makes zero sense; on its face it appears she is jerking you around, you are an orbiter, being used for attention and validation. But that's an assumption, I have no idea what's up with her. BUT since you are not "dating," then stop treating your interaction like it is dating! Stop being so available, stop texting so much and FTiming. Talk to and meet other women. When she asks or accuses you of "cheating," be strong, direct, no nonsense and tell her "we are not dating, therefore there is no 'cheating.'" I mean that's just plain nuts. Try to get to the place where HER reactions to what you say or do does NOT matter. Her reactions should not guide your purpose. What's important is that you are true to yourself and what YOU want, if she doesn't want the same, wish her well and walk. Yea it was a figure of speech lol, I just meant I made sure sure knew I was being serious lol. But okay thanks for the help!
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Slow down. This also feels very one sided. You are over the top & she's not ready for the intensity that you bring to this. Go at her pace & stop pressuring her. I'm not pressuring her I don't think. But I'm not really sure if it's one sided or not, she is very clingy and initiates things often. Like she often asks to go out to the park, to watch a movie, and stuff like that. She also seems to get jealous when I talk to other girls. So I'm just really confused with everything lol. If she doesn't want to date me I'm no going to try to convince her to, but to me it seems like she is just sending mixed signals.
poppyfields Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Idk124 said: If she doesn't want to date me I'm no going to try to convince her to, but to me it seems like she is just sending mixed signals. And again, YOU are allowing it, so stop allowing it. No disrespect cause you seem cool, but you are acting like a marshmallow. Why are you allowing her to call the shots? Start taking some control mate, not of her, but yourself. Grow some balls. You are adding to your own confusion but here is a tip. When a man sends me mixed messages, I always focus on the least favorable message. In this case, that would be she does not wish to date you or have a relationship with you. The other stuff, her jealousy whatever is just noise. Ignore it. And act accordingly, again by keeping options open, not caring about her reactions and focusing on yourself. Edited September 5, 2021 by poppyfields
glows Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 If her parents are against her dating you for whatever reason and you are both still living at home you are really setting yourself up for heartache. Be more respectful overall of her situation. Be a gentleman and good friend but don’t be surprised that she treats you only as a friend. She doesn’t want drama with her family and she’s smart. She contacts you and appears clingy because you’re also a pushover and doormat. She can get male attention from you, affection and gifts without wanting to be your girlfriend. Take a step back and rethink whether you want to keep pursuing her. Spend time together if you like but I suggest you ditch this effort and date someone else if you’re looking for something more tangible and real. 1
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: And again, YOU are allowing it, so stop allowing it. No disrespect cause you seem cool, but you are acting like a marshmallow. Why are you allowing her to call the shots? Start taking some control mate, not of her, but yourself. Grow some balls. You are adding to your own confusion but here is a tip I use. When a man sends me mixed messages, I always focus on the least favorable message. In this case, that would be she does not wish to date you or have a relationship with you. The other stuff, her jealousy whatever is just noise. Ignore it. And act accordingly, again by keeping options open, not caring about her reactions and focusing on yourself. I realize now that I was allowing it, but "a marshmallow"? I'm just kidding lol. But If she doesn't want to date, I'm not going to try and convince her because if it's really meant to be I don't think i should have to convince her. But I do think I'm going to try to distance myself a little bit more than I did before, just to see what she does, And I'm going try to focus on myself a little bit more instead of her all the time. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 19 minutes ago, Idk124 said: I'm not pressuring her I don't think. But I'm not really sure if it's one sided or not, she is very clingy and initiates things often. Like she often asks to go out to the park, to watch a movie, and stuff like that. She also seems to get jealous when I talk to other girls. So I'm just really confused with everything lol. If she doesn't want to date me I'm no going to try to convince her to, but to me it seems like she is just sending mixed signals. Stop talking about it. Don't define things or label them. Instead, spend time with her. Talk about everything else under the sun, but not the status of your relationship. Get to know each other. Be there for her. Remember Love is friendship that has caught fire She likes you & enjoys your company. build on that but shut up about the future, especially about marriage or living together. 1
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 11 minutes ago, glows said: If her parents are against her dating you for whatever reason and you are both still living at home you are really setting yourself up for heartache. Be more respectful overall of her situation. Be a gentleman and good friend but don’t be surprised that she treats you only as a friend. She doesn’t want drama with her family and she’s smart. She contacts you and appears clingy because you’re also a pushover and doormat. She can get male attention from you, affection and gifts without wanting to be your girlfriend. Take a step back and rethink whether you want to keep pursuing her. Spend time together if you like but I suggest you ditch this effort and date someone else if you’re looking for something more tangible and real. Well thanks for being honest, that actually helps alot but I do have one question. Could you explain how I'm a pushover? I'm not saying your wrong, I guess I just don't see how.
poppyfields Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Stop talking about it. Don't define things or label them. Instead, spend time with her. Talk about everything else under the sun, but not the status of your relationship. Get to know each other. Be there for her. Remember Love is friendship that has caught fire She likes you & enjoys your company. build on that but shut up about the future, especially about marriage or living together. @d0nnivainI respect your opinions so much, almost like a mentor at times, but to the bolded, almost sounds like you are advising him to be an 'orbiter' and hoping a relationship develops from it? This very rarely leads to anything worthwhile or positive for the man. Once a man is in a women's friendzone, extremely difficult to transition out of that and into dating/relationship. It can happen but it's rare. Jmo. Edited September 5, 2021 by poppyfields
Wiseman2 Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 7 minutes ago, Idk124 said: Could you explain how I'm a pushover? I'm not saying your wrong, I guess I just don't see how. You're not a pushover. You are dating and intimate etc. She may want to slow down the moving in talks and sexual pace, that's all. Go with the flow and don't get ahead of yourselves this much. 1 1
glows Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 10 minutes ago, Idk124 said: Well thanks for being honest, that actually helps alot but I do have one question. Could you explain how I'm a pushover? I'm not saying your wrong, I guess I just don't see how. I think you’ve done enough. You should be observing whether that care or interest is reciprocated. If not, sticking around and offering gifts and jewellery doesn’t make sense. I’m not clear why exactly you brought up her family or their preference about her not dating a Caucasian person. Ask her about that. Don’t keep hanging around someone who doesn’t accept you or whose family can’t accept you. 1
poppyfields Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You are dating and intimate etc I must have missed something. OP said they are not dating, she doesn't want that, nor did he say whether or not they were "intimate" (i.e having sex)? OP, can you clarify that? Are you having or have you had sexual relations? Have you even kissed intimately?
Author Idk124 Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You're not a pushover. You are dating and intimate etc. She may want to slow down the moving in talks and sexual pace, that's all. Go with the flow and don't get ahead of yourselves this much. Okay thanks lol. I was confused because I I don't believe I'm a pushover. I make it clear that I do not need her, but I do want her obviously. But often times she is the one who brings up living together, but we both bring up the sexual stuff lol. So do you think I should still slow it down, like should I tell her to slow down with talking about living together?
Wiseman2 Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 Just now, Idk124 said: So do you think I should still slow it down, like should I tell her to slow down with talking about living together? Don't tell her what to do, just slow down sexually and sidestep living together talk. Change the subject to college, getting cars, phones and other financial responsibilities. Talk about one day when you are both financially able , etc. Also skip the need you/want you BS, it's confusing and nonsensical. Stick with having the exclusive talk with regard to any sexual contact. 1
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