Broke up with gf made a big mistake.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Moo138 said:

I realised how hard it is to find someone I connected with like her. We were together a year, we never got bored of fed up with each other, we trusted each other, we laughed and made fun of each other. We were like best mates as well as lovers. It takes me years to find someone I connect with like this and she’s the same too. We only saw each other at weekends but we text everyday. We could tell each other anything. I feel like we were meant to be together as we just clicked so well and thats were for me to find all that in someone. 

So then why did you break up with her???  

That's the $100,000 question! 

And what makes you so certain that once you're "back in" the same feelings that caused you to run the first time won't resurface?  

I'm sorry but you seem not only conflicted but completely unaware of your own feelings and motivations.

Not to be mean but it's selfish, please don't do that to her. 

 

 

[Moo138]

28 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So then why did you break up with her???  

That's the $100,000 question! 

And what makes you so certain that once you're "back in" the same feelings that caused you to run the first time won't resurface?  

I'm sorry but you seem not only conflicted but completely unaware of your own feelings and motivations.

Not to be mean but it's selfish, please don't do that to her. 

 

 

“So then why did you break up with her???“

because I’m an idiot and was too stupid to realise how I really felt. 
I feel 100% sure we can be happy together and have a good life and future. When you know you just know. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and just want a change to make things right 

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, Moo138 said:

“So then why did you break up with her???“

because I’m an idiot and was too stupid to realise how I really felt. 
I feel 100% sure we can be happy together and have a good life and future. When you know you just know. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and just want a change to make things right 

Okay fair enough.  Sometimes it does taking losing the person to realize how much you want/love them, I hope that's the case here.

I hope it works out for you, if you feel inclined, please keep us updated, I for one would like to know how this turns out!  

[glows]

2 hours ago, Moo138 said:

Yeah that’s fairenough thanks. But if she does reach out then that has to be a good sign surely. But she must be thinking of giving me a chance or she wouldn’t have asked those questions and she would have blocked me. 
move been watching these relationships gurus on YouTube, don’t know of what they say had any truth but they all reckon feelings can take 1-2 months to neutralise and anger to calm down 

Please have your own backbone and do not depend on the gurus on YouTube. They cannot speak for your ex so don't look for answers from them. Since you have put the ball in her court trust in her decision and respect it whether it's yes or no or whether you reconcile or not. There is nothing left for you to do. Try not to hurt yourself looking for answers in the wrong places and do not read into her asking questions as being a sign. She may have asked those questions to hear for herself what you have to say but want nothing to do with you in the bigger picture.

[Moo138]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay fair enough.  Sometimes it does taking losing the person to realize how much you want/love them, I hope that's the case here.

I hope it works out for you, if you feel inclined, please keep us updated, I for one would like to know how this turns out!  

Thank you, it is the case here and if course I’ll keep you updated. It might be a while tho before I hear!

[Moo138]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Please have your own backbone and do not depend on the gurus on YouTube. They cannot speak for your ex so don't look for answers from them. Since you have put the ball in her court trust in her decision and respect it whether it's yes or no or whether you reconcile or not. There is nothing left for you to do. Try not to hurt yourself looking for answers in the wrong places and do not read into her asking questions as being a sign. She may have asked those questions to hear for herself what you have to say but want nothing to do with you in the bigger picture.

Yeah that’s fairenough and I guess I just watched those videos to make me feel better and feel there was some hope. I know deep down everyone is different and I guess I know her and the situation better than they do. 

[d0nnivain]

The videos give false hope.  The people in the videos want to sell you their services.  Be careful.  

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Moo138 said:

I wasn’t sure I saw a future with her

Why?

Try to be specific about your doubts. 

[Moo138]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why?

Try to be specific about your doubts. 

Same reasons as above. My head wasn’t in a good place, I get scared of commitment and push people away, I know it’s silly and this has made me realise that. I don’t know why I get scared I just do, I should have just gone with the flow and not heard back, I did hold back with her

[Herkamer]

My advice, stay broken up.

There is a reason why she came back around after you messaged a few weeks ago, and it will be catastrophic for you. Some speculation:

- She's seeing Chad, but he's not making enough money. She doesn't want to give him up, though, and she's falling back on one of her ex-bfs for that resource. She figures if she can get her hands on some of that cash, she can continue being with Chad. You just happened to message her, she got mad without thinking about, and then she finally did and messaged you back. Now you're waiting on her to say something, and for all we know, she's trying to figure out a way she can make it work for both her and the guy she's seeing.

- She's simply wants more money without effort on her part to contribute. There are women who simply don't want to work at all, despite them saying that they're strong and independent, but yet want men to provide for them. I don't know what she does already, but if she has a good job, she wouldn't need you. Even then, there have been stories of guys who make less than their partners and yet they do all the heavy lifting while their woman does nothing.

- She may have a kid that isn't yours. This one may seem less likely, but if she does, she's looking for someone to take care of her kid. The guy she was with is long gone, she's been staying at home with her kid more than she is going out and having her fun, and she is living on welfare. She doesn't want to live this kind of lifestyle anymore and needs someone to take care of her kid while she goes and does the things she wants to do. That's where a man comes in and is stuck with that responsibility.

Whatever the case might be, there is a reason(s) why you guys called it off in the first place. Something tells me the way she is responding to you, she's looking to take advantage of you. Too many stories, like this, where it ends badly for the guy, and there are multiple reasons on how it comes about. I know it that it sounds bad, but, trust me, staying broken up is a far better option. It's a bad idea to go down that rabbit hole. I've tried, but it only shot my confidence more. Find some hobbies to take up, meet new people, and leave this stuff in the past where it belongs. You are living in the present, and I bet there will be women that will, more than likely, head your way that won't act like this woman that'll like you for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Moo138 said:

Same reasons as above. My head wasn’t in a good place, I get scared of commitment and push people away, 

Getting scared would be too nebulous for me to believe it would not happen again once we were back together, if I'm being honest.  I am speaking from experience of dating a man who got scared, he said. That was it for me. I could not trust that he wouldn't pull a runner again and it killed attraction for me. 

I just didn't want to deal with the headache of a guy who was that afraid of commitment. 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Herkamer said:

My advice, stay broken up.

There is a reason why she came back around after you messaged a few weeks ago, and it will be catastrophic for you. Some speculation:

- She's seeing Chad, but he's not making enough money. She doesn't want to give him up, though, and she's falling back on one of her ex-bfs for that resource. She figures if she can get her hands on some of that cash, she can continue being with Chad. You just happened to message her, she got mad without thinking about, and then she finally did and messaged you back. Now you're waiting on her to say something, and for all we know, she's trying to figure out a way she can make it work for both her and the guy she's seeing.

- She's simply wants more money without effort on her part to contribute. There are women who simply don't want to work at all, despite them saying that they're strong and independent, but yet want men to provide for them. I don't know what she does already, but if she has a good job, she wouldn't need you. Even then, there have been stories of guys who make less than their partners and yet they do all the heavy lifting while their woman does nothing.

- She may have a kid that isn't yours. This one may seem less likely, but if she does, she's looking for someone to take care of her kid. The guy she was with is long gone, she's been staying at home with her kid more than she is going out and having her fun, and she is living on welfare. She doesn't want to live this kind of lifestyle anymore and needs someone to take care of her kid while she goes and does the things she wants to do. That's where a man comes in and is stuck with that responsibility.

Whatever the case might be, there is a reason(s) why you guys called it off in the first place. Something tells me the way she is responding to you, she's looking to take advantage of you. Too many stories, like this, where it ends badly for the guy, and there are multiple reasons on how it comes about. I know it that it sounds bad, but, trust me, staying broken up is a far better option. It's a bad idea to go down that rabbit hole. I've tried, but it only shot my confidence more. Find some hobbies to take up, meet new people, and leave this stuff in the past where it belongs. You are living in the present, and I bet there will be women that will, more than likely, head your way that won't act like this woman that'll like you for you.

Wha?   Are we reading the same thread?   Where is all that coming from?    Serious question. 

The OP dumped his girlfriend (now-ex) because he didn't know what he wanted and is afraid of commitment.

P.S.  I am truly sorry @Herkamer, it appears you've been jerked around by women in your life . I sympathize, but best to not bring those projections here, they are not relevant to this particular situation.

Hugs.

Edited September 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Moo138 said:

“So then why did you break up with her???“

because I’m an idiot and was too stupid to realise how I really felt. 
I feel 100% sure we can be happy together and have a good life and future. When you know you just know. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and just want a change to make things right 

But something must have triggered you into panic mode.

"I'm an idiot" isn't really it.

That is, if you actually do have fear of commitment in general.

[Moo138]

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

But something must have triggered you into panic mode.

"I'm an idiot" isn't really it.

That is, if you actually do have fear of commitment in general.

Yeah I’ve always been scared of commitment. No idea why to be honest and because if that I’ve messed up something special 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Moo138 said:

Yeah I’ve always been scared of commitment. No idea why to be honest and because if that I’ve messed up something special 

Yes, you've said that numerous times.

What I am saying is that something usually triggers the "fight or flight" response and leads a person to flee.

You haven't really been able to identify what that is.

And until you can/do, you're not going to make much headway.

[IslandSanctuary]

"I I I I me me me me" That's all I hear reading this. If you dump her after 1 year, imagine how you'll feel after 7. Familiarity breeds contempt - some people disagree with this statement but everyone agrees that long term relationships are hard. 

I've read nothing that shows me you care about her feelings or if you are even capable of caring about someone else. If you really cared about her you'd leave her alone. Most people are at least a little insecure in relationships - getting back with her now would be far harder for both of you than just starting again with someone new. 

So you're scared of commitment - is she supposed to like that? Just roll over and forgive you because of your failing? It isn't exactly something to be proud of.
YOU ended this, YOU have no one to blame but YOURSELF. 

Edited September 2, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[Alpacalia]

OP I have some experience with this (fearful avoidant) and have previously been drawn to an emotionally unavailable individual, so I can identify.

Please continue to post - there is a lot of helpful advise on here.

Just remember that change won't happen unless you become aware of your patterns and make a conscious effort to work through them.

Also, consider the types of persons that have piqued your interest.

Provide yourself some time to think about it.

I wish you the best.

[Moo138]

8 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

OP I have some experience with this (fearful avoidant) and have previously been drawn to an emotionally unavailable individual, so I can identify.

Please continue to post - there is a lot of helpful advise on here.

Just remember that change won't happen unless you become aware of your patterns and make a conscious effort to work through them.

Also, consider the types of persons that have piqued your interest.

Provide yourself some time to think about it.

I wish you the best.

I’ll do you if that’s ok? I signed up 

Edited September 2, 2021 by Moo138
.

[Maldives]

Is this the first time U broken up? Me and my ex broke up more than once and got back together chances are she will come back if she's responded. She's taken time out because she's hurt. She may not though but from reading your post my feeling is she will. My lessons don't break up. Sometimes that is the only way you get to know exactly how you feel about the other person Unfortunately, however it will hurt the relationship or could depending how long you had broken up. The longer the break and no communication the more the hurt the less likely it's gonna get back on track. If it was a few days then you have a better chance 

 

[Moo138]

2 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Is this the first time U broken up? Me and my ex broke up more than once and got back together chances are she will come back if she's responded. She's taken time out because she's hurt. She may not though but from reading your post my feeling is she will. My lessons don't break up. Sometimes that is the only way you get to know exactly how you feel about the other person Unfortunately, however it will hurt the relationship or could depending how long you had broken up. The longer the break and no communication the more the hurt the less likely it's gonna get back on track. If it was a few days then you have a better chance 

 

Yeah it was our first proper break up. 
I did feel it was positive she responded or she would have just said it’s over and not gonna happen so I hope she does comes back. It must be on her mind tho, esp for her to ask those questions 
I shouldn’t have left it 2 months before contacting her. Hopefully she didn’t lose all her feelings in those 2 months!

[Maldives]

Woah ye that's a long time the last time we broke up me and my last ex was two months and that was it she left for good. Not to say thats your case. My advice be very patient and don't fuel any arguments if she gets upset. Listen mostly validate her feelings and btry and build the trust again good luck 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think if you intend to wait, it would be good to give yourself a mental timeline. 

Let's say you don't hear from her this week. Or next. Or the one after (and so on) How long will you be willing to sit by, if she doesn't get in touch? 

[Moo138]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, I think if you intend to wait, it would be good to give yourself a mental timeline. 

Let's say you don't hear from her this week. Or next. Or the one after (and so on) How long will you be willing to sit by, if she doesn't get in touch? 

Well she said she would like to talk face to face and it’s needed but needs time and how long it will be she doesn’t know. I’m thinking I’m my mind it might take anything upto 1-2 months, she did say I kept texting her a reply when she might have needed 2 months to reply. So I’m willing to wait a couple of months, even longer I guess, my feelings won’t change anytime soon. It’s been just over 2 weeks since we last spoke so I’m not expecting her to come to me in the next week or 2

[Maldives]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, I think if you intend to wait, it would be good to give yourself a mental timeline. 

Let's say you don't hear from her this week. Or next. Or the one after (and so on) How long will you be willing to sit by, if she doesn't get in touch? 

Thats a good point be Pro active reach out occasionally and slowly build the communication don't wait for her to contact you she won't give her space but U know what I mean reach out here and there and don't bring up the break up or ask where she's at keep it friendly banter like how's your day etc keep it well away from anything to do about where she's at with you if you can do that it may slowly develop 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Thats a good point be Pro active reach out occasionally and slowly build the communication 

I wouldn't advise this, actually (despite what Youtube break-up "gurus" recommend) 

She said she will get in touch when she is ready. He would be wise to respect that.