Broke up with gf made a big mistake.

[Moo138]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Maybe therapy can help with that.

But, it's an investment, like anything else.

Will you be honest with her if she agrees to be with you again - and that's a big IF - or is there something else that will conveniently come out later? What assurance does she have that you won't skip town the next day because of the same fear?

Just having this break had made me realise  there’s no need to be scared. I can honestly see a future with her. I’ve also learnt to talk about my feelings more so if I was feeling anxious or anything I’d speak to her rather than just running away. I feel all the things I needed to do before I want to do now. This break had made me change for the better 

[Alfano]

Honestly you sound very selfish. Everything is about what you want, what you feel, how it all affects you.

You don't seem to have a clue the emotional damage you inflicted upon her with all of your volatility.

Try getting inside HER head for a change and making it about what SHE wants.

 

 

[Moo138]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

When she responded with Qs initially that was a good sign.  But now that she's back-peddled  & asked for space, there is less & less chance that she will come back.  Either somebody is whispering in her ear telling her to never trust you again; she's found somebody else even if he's a rebound;  she's punishing you; or she's playing the chase me game, meaning she is testing you to see if you pursue her even in the face of her telling you to stay away.  That is a very dangerous game & an even harder one for you to navigate because if you can't trust what she says, that doesn't bode well for future communications.  

You know her.  We don't.  Which do you think it is? 

I would give apology flowers a shot but I only give that a 40% chance of working.  Send a nice bouquet through a florist to her home or office with a request for a date.   See if you get a response.  Understand if she was serious about needing time & contacting you when she's ready, this will annoy her as you not respecting her stated desire.  Similarly she may see the flowers as a bribe (they kind of are).  

By trying to reconcile you are making an effort but not an overly annoying one.  Blowing up her phone, constantly calling or texting will push her away.   

You may want to consider writing her a paper letter & pouring your heart out.  It can't be electronic.  An email or worse a text won't cut it. You have to show effort.  This needs to be on paper mailed with a stamp.  You should go through several drafts to word things just right.  Do not sent a stream of consciousness pile of verbal vomit.  

She thinks it was easy for you to walk away without good reason.  Her trust is understandably broken . 

If you get her back, there will be groveling & you will have to step up your efforts.  She will feel on shaky ground with you for a long time.  In the face of trouble in your life you jettisoned her which hurts & damaged the foundations of your relationship.  Think of it like this.  Your relationship is a plate.  You deliberately broke it.  Now you want to glue the pieces back together.  Sure with some good glue, the plate may still be serviceable but it will never be the same, whole unbroken thing. 

 

Those are good lessons to have learned.  They will help you tremendously in your next relationship.  

She said she wasn’t seeing anyone and has never been one to put herself out there and I believe her. She’s very honest and would have told me to go away and leave her there’s no chance, she’s also not the type to play games. Maybe her friends are saying something but I know her best friend gave her bf a 2nd chance so maybe she can understand.  So I agree the questions are good. At first she was like if you don’t leave me I’ll block you. So I left her then 3 days later she came back with the questions. I think I bombarded and pleaded her a bit and she just needs to think. She said she felt confused and blank. I guess this was a shock to her and a lot to process

 

I’ve already sent flowers and she kept them. I’ve also poured my heart out to her. She said she’s been listening and just needs time. Considering how angry she was the first day I text her this is good as she was speaking to me. She said she’s like to talk but she’s not in the right headspace atm

 

I understand she needs time and I’ve messed up bad, it will be a long road but I don’t want to give up on her. 

[Moo138]

6 minutes ago, Alfano said:

Honestly you sound very selfish. Everything is about what you want, what you feel, how it all affects you.

You don't seem to have a clue the emotional damage you inflicted upon her with all of your volatility.

Try getting inside HER head for a change and making it about what SHE wants.

 

 

What do you suggest I do then?? I’m not trying to make it about me but obviously I want to be with her. I’m giving her the space she needs and not contacting her. Not sure what else I can do 

[Alfano]

That's all you can do.

[d0nnivain]

You have tried.  It didn't work.  

At this point all that is left is to acknowledge to yourself that you F'd up & the consequences are she's gone. . . forever.  Love is an emotional decision.  The choice to give somebody a 2nd chance is more logical.  Once she's on to logic, the more time that passes the more it is solidified that walking away from you because she can't trust you again is the logical choice & right decision for her.  If she was inclined to take you back she would have jumped at the chance weeks ago. 

Sorry. 

[Moo138]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have tried.  It didn't work.  

At this point all that is left is to acknowledge to yourself that you F'd up & the consequences are she's gone. . . forever.  Love is an emotional decision.  The choice to give somebody a 2nd chance is more logical.  Once she's on to logic, the more time that passes the more it is solidified that walking away from you because she can't trust you again is the logical choice & right decision for her.  If she was inclined to take you back she would have jumped at the chance weeks ago. 

Sorry. 

But why would she said have she wanted to talk if she was done? That doesn’t make sense to me. She even said she will come to me when she’s ready. Maybe she does just need time to process what I said?

[Moo138]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Why do you believe three months is enough time to overcome commitment anxiety?

Or, what about it with her, "frightened" you.

You might want to reconsider what's truly going on before deciding what you can do at this stage.

Can you pm me please?

[d0nnivain]

Again, you know her, I don't. 

I think you have thrown 2 big loops at her.  First the break up out of nowhere & then the attempt at reconciliation.  On top of being hurt she's also probably pissed that you think everything in this relationship is all about you.  I think she's just talking, stalling, thinking & words are just coming out of her mouth without much thought behind them.  She is off balance because you are practically giving the girl whiplash. . .no . . yes . . .please.  

If you are going to wait. . .for how long?  How much of a doormat are you? 

 

Nobody can PM you.  You don't get those privileges on LS unless you are paid member or have been here for a while & have some minimum number of posts.  

 

[Moo138]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Again, you know her, I don't. 

I think you have thrown 2 big loops at her.  First the break up out of nowhere & then the attempt at reconciliation.  On top of being hurt she's also probably pissed that you think everything in this relationship is all about you.  I think she's just talking, stalling, thinking & words are just coming out of her mouth without much thought behind them.  She is off balance because you are practically giving the girl whiplash. . .no . . yes . . .please.  

If you are going to wait. . .for how long?  How much of a doormat are you? 

 

Nobody can PM you.  You don't get those privileges on LS unless you are paid member or have been here for a while & have some minimum number of posts.  

 

Yeah I guess I can only wait and see if she contexts me. I mean she did say a talk face to face is needed. So that seems positive, but how long it will take for her to calm down who knows. 
 

ah ok fairenough 

[Fox Sake]

@Moo138 You didn’t make any mistakes. 
Mistakes are repeating the same behaviours over again with the same result , and expecting something different. 
You seem open to learning about where you could have gone wrong and what you could have done differently. The only mistake you can make from here is not listen to what she’s telling and not listen to yourself. Give her all the space she has asked for. There’s a slim chance but don’t count on it. 
 

You know man, I lost someone I broke up with 6 years ago. Same as you - I realised after some time that it was the biggest ‘mistake’ I ever made.
It was the best mistake.

It taught me more about myself than any other relationship. The pain of the loss made me work on myself. And she deserved better. I hope she’s happy these days. 
After time has passed you learn to realise that next time you get an opportunity to be happy like that - don’t throw it away. Sometimes experiencing loss and pain like that is the best mistake you can make so you can grow and take the lessons forward into whatever comes next 
 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Moo138 said:

 I felt confused, didn’t know what I wanted and I get scared of commitment. I’ve been working on these issues and it’s made me realise I really want to be with her and change for the better. I totally understand she’s angry like she said she was. But I’m just hoping by some of the things she’s said seems like she’s thinking about things. Im giving her space and we haven’t spoken in 2 weeks. But she did say she will come to me when she’s ready and she hasn’t blocked me so makes me think there’s still a chance?

Bolded, the natural assumption is now that you are broken up, the pressure is off and committing is no longer a threat to your very soul and existence, thus you have a chance to miss her and long for her.

Many people who fear commitment do this, its quite common.  

But be clear, "longing" for someone whom you don't have, which granted is a VERY powerful emotion, is not "love" which is cherishing what you DO have. 

IF you loved her, you never would have broken up with her.

Also, it takes years to understsnd and resolve commitment conflicts NOT a mere two months.

Leave her alone. Guarantee IF she took you back, the same fears wouid resurface at some point and you will want to run away again.  

It has happened too many times to too many people and couples to overlook that. 

Work on you, understand your fears, where they stem from and take steps to resolve.  And lesson learned.  

You will be a better man in your next relationship, this one is done, things will never be the same.

Trust has been broken, for her.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

Edited September 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Moo138]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, the natural assumption is now that you are broken up, the pressure is off and committing is no longer a threat to your very soul and existence, thus you have a chance to miss her and long for her.

Many people who fear commitment do this, its quite common.  

But be clear, "longing" for someone whom you don't have, which granted is a VERY powerful emotion, is not "love" which is cherishing what you DO have. 

IF you loved her, you never would have broken up with her.

Also, it takes years to understsnd and resolve commitment conflicts NOT a mere two months.

Leave her alone. Guarantee IF she took you back, the same fears wouid resurface and you will want to run away again.  

It has happened too many times to too many people and couples to overlook that. 

Work on you, understand your fears, where they stem from and take steps to resolve.  And lesson learned.  

You will be a better man in your next relationship, this one is done, things will never be the same.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

Thanks for the message. But what would you suggest if she reaches out and wants to talk then? Because I believe her when she says she would like to talk 

[notbroken]

You made a mistake (maybe).  Own it.  Don't hurt this lady any more than you already have.  You will destroy her if you get close to her again and break up with her.  You broke up with her for a reason that likely still exists.   Have mercy on her. Stay broken up.  Leave her alone.   The 'on again off again' yo you can be very harmful to both her and you.  Get good with yourself and move on.  

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, Moo138 said:

 But what would you suggest if she reaches out and wants to talk then? Because I believe her when she says she would like to talk 

I don't believe she wants to talk.  I think she just said that to put you off & buy herself time. 

If she does want to talk you have to make it clear to her that you can't promise you won't get scared & bolt again.  She has to know you are not a sure thing.  @poppyfieldsexplained what is probably going on with you.  That you are nostalgic which is not good.  

Then you have to listen.  Let her unload on you & take it.  You have to let her talk about how badly you hurt her & own it.   Ask what she wants going forward.   You have to be contrite.  

[Moo138]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't believe she wants to talk.  I think she just said that to put you off & buy herself time. 

If she does want to talk you have to make it clear to her that you can't promise you won't get scared & bolt again.  She has to know you are not a sure thing.  @poppyfieldsexplained what is probably going on with you.  That you are nostalgic which is not good.  

Then you have to listen.  Let her unload on you & take it.  You have to let her talk about how badly you hurt her & own it.   Ask what she wants going forward.   You have to be contrite.  

Yeah that’s fairenough. I do believe she wants tho talk tho. She said it a few times. She’s the type to tell me straight if she had no intention. 
but I totally get what you’re saying and I agree I need to listen to her and take her anger. But I don’t believe in being nostalgic tho. I’ve never been like this before after a break up. I really do see a future with this girl 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Moo138 said:

I’ve never been like this before after a break up. I really do see a future with this girl 

Not to get all "therapist" on you or anything (I'm NOT a therapist) but what exactly were you feeling when you ended your relationship?

Were you turned off?  Did you believe you stopped loving her?  Did you feel emotionally crowded and suffocated? 

Do you even know?  

Many people with such fears don't, all they know is they want OUT.

Then after a time, they start missing and longing and want back IN.

Then they want OUT again

It can become an exhausting vicious cycle!  

To me, you seem convinced you suddenly want a future with her?  After dumping her a mere two months ago?  

What caused you to  suddenly have such a grand epiphany? 

You don't have to answer here, only to yourself.  I think it's important.

 

Edited September 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

48 minutes ago, Moo138 said:

Yeah that’s fairenough. I do believe she wants tho talk tho. She said it a few times. She’s the type to tell me straight if she had no intention. 
but I totally get what you’re saying and I agree I need to listen to her and take her anger. But I don’t believe in being nostalgic tho. I’ve never been like this before after a break up. I really do see a future with this girl 

She may talk with you later but it may not be what you want to hear. You made a mistake. This is the aftermath of that and something you have to learn from in order to move forward. Until this chapter is closed or you close it yourself and walk away it will lay open as a 'what if' for you. Give yourself some timeline even if it's loose, two weeks tops, and then decide for yourself if you want to keep living in limbo, guessing about her intentions and wondering about her. I don't see why she should have any reason to trust you again. You may appear lonely and confused to her and needing company, not genuinely seeing her as someone you see a future with. If you both do speak again then make sure you verbalize that and tell her how you feel. 

Keep in mind that silence, however prolonged, or scarce contact IS an answer. If she doesn't reach out or doesn't respond to you, it is an answer that she doesn't want to speak with you or engage with you at all/have you in her life.

[Moo138]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

She may talk with you later but it may not be what you want to hear. You made a mistake. This is the aftermath of that and something you have to learn from in order to move forward. Until this chapter is closed or you close it yourself and walk away it will lay open as a 'what if' for you. Give yourself some timeline even if it's loose, two weeks tops, and then decide for yourself if you want to keep living in limbo, guessing about her intentions and wondering about her. I don't see why she should have any reason to trust you again. You may appear lonely and confused to her and needing company, not genuinely seeing her as someone you see a future with. If you both do speak again then make sure you verbalize that and tell her how you feel. 

Keep in mind that silence, however prolonged, or scarce contact IS an answer. If she doesn't reach out or doesn't respond to you, it is an answer that she doesn't want to speak with you or engage with you at all/have you in her life.

Yeah that’s fairenough thanks. But if she does reach out then that has to be a good sign surely. But she must be thinking of giving me a chance or she wouldn’t have asked those questions and she would have blocked me. 
move been watching these relationships gurus on YouTube, don’t know of what they say had any truth but they all reckon feelings can take 1-2 months to neutralise and anger to calm down 

Edited September 2, 2021 by Moo138
Added

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Moo138 said:

Just having this break had made me realise  there’s no need to be scared. I can honestly see a future with her. I’ve also learnt to talk about my feelings more so if I was feeling anxious or anything I’d speak to her rather than just running away. I feel all the things I needed to do before I want to do now. This break had made me change for the better 

I see.

Well, you said that this is a recurrent theme in all your relationships.

2 hours ago, Moo138 said:

Can you pm me please?

I'm not sure you have enough posts for PM.

[smackie9]

When you dumped her out of the blue what did she think of that? A lot of confusion. For one thing you never gave her the chance to talk about your issue and work through it, that's a punch to the gut. She felt tossed aside, devalued, like she meant nothing to you. You didn't reach out for two months, and this makes you look selfish, like no regard for what you did to her.. In her mind she's going through scenarios, thinking the worse like for the two months you were chatting with other girls, etc, that things didn't pan out and here you are coming back around. She asks questions because she's trying to weed through what could be truth or BS. For now, she's not buying any of it and probably discussing it with a friend. She's weighing things out carefully and maybe making you suffer a bit so you can feel the pain your brought down on her. I too can tell she does still have feelings for you, but man o man she's still feeling burnt and she doesn't want to go through with that again. Best of luck bro.

BTW, learn to put yourself in other people's shoes before you take action. learn empathy.

 

Edited September 2, 2021 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

You know man, I lost someone I broke up with 6 years ago. Same as you - I realised after some time that it was the biggest ‘mistake’ I ever made.
It was the best mistake.

It taught me more about myself than any other relationship. The pain of the loss made me work on myself. And she deserved better. I hope she’s happy these days. 
After time has passed you learn to realise that next time you get an opportunity to be happy like that - don’t throw it away. Sometimes experiencing loss and pain like that is the best mistake you can make so you can grow and take the lessons forward into whatever comes next 
 

This!  Cut and paste to your fridge and read every morning...  

 

Edited September 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Moo138]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

When you dumped her out of the blue what did she think of that? A lot of confusion. For one thing you never gave her the chance to talk about your issue and work through it, that's a punch to the gut. She felt tossed aside, devalued, like she meant nothing to you. You didn't reach out for two months, and this makes you look selfish, like no regard for what you did to her.. In her mind she's going through scenarios, thinking the worse like for the two months you were chatting with other girls, etc, that things didn't pan out and here you are coming back around. She asks questions because she's trying to weed through what could be truth or BS. For now, she's not buying any of it and probably discussing it with a friend. She's weighing things out carefully and maybe making you suffer a bit so you can feel the pain your brought down on her. I too can tell she does still have feelings for you, but man o man she's still feeling burnt and she doesn't want to go through with that again. Best of luck bro.

BTW, learn to put yourself in other people's shoes before you take action. learn empathy.

 

Thanks bro I appreciate it. Yeah I could tell by her replies she was still angry. But I guess if she didn’t have any feelings she wouldn’t be bothered. But yeah I can imagine her mates are saying to make him sweat a bit. I’m not expecting to hear anything for at least a month. She did say she had been listening to what I had been saying which I guess is good 

[poppyfields]

Other than the missing and longing, what made you realize in only two months time you want a future with her?  

It's so easy to believe we want and are ready for a commitment and future when it's not looming directly over our heads. 

It also easy to believe we will do things differently like communicating, until we are back in and those fears return. 

Again, I've seen and read too many stories like yours, where the end result of years of back and forth and push/pull end up in utter emotional devastation but good luck. 

[Moo138]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Other than the missing and longing, what made you realize in only two months time you want a future with her?  

It's so easy to believe we want and are ready for a commitment and future when it's not looming directly over our heads. 

It also easy to believe we will do things differently like communicating, until we are back in and those fears return. 

Again, I've seen and read too many stories like yours, where the end result of years of back and forth and push/pull end up in utter emotional devastation but good luck. 

I realised how hard it is to find someone I connected with like her. We were together a year, we never got bored of fed up with each other, we trusted each other, we laughed and made fun of each other. We were like best mates as well as lovers. It takes me years to find someone I connect with like this and she’s the same too. We only saw each other at weekends but we text everyday. We could tell each other anything. I feel like we were meant to be together as we just clicked so well and thats were for me to find all that in someone.