Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) Hey all, so I broke with my ex of 1 year 3 months ago now, didn’t think I was 100% happy and my head wasn’t in a good place with some things like lockdown and work. Realised I made a massive mistake and messaged her 4 weeks ago now saying how I felt etc. She was so angry at first and didn’t want to hear anything and told me multiple times leave her alone. Well a few days later she messaged me asking if I meant what I said etc and other questions like what if your head wasn’t in a good place again, I was surprised about this but anyway she seemed less angry and been speaking to me a bit. I poured my heart out to her so it’s come as a shock as she got it into her head over the 2 months that nothing would ever happen between us again. So last week she said I think I talk is needed but right now I need time alone as I’m not in the right headspace atm, she’s been listening to me but needs space and will come to me when she’s ready. I really don’t know how to take this, like if it’s positive or not? I’m giving her the space she needs and not contacting her till she contacts me, but waiting her for to contact me is horrible and my anxiety is so bad at the moment I can’t eat, wondering how she’s feeling or what she’s thinking. Edited September 2, 2021 by Moo138 Spelling
elaine567 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 Few get second chances. By breaking up with her you ruined it for her, She will not trust you going forward and you can't re-write history. She will always be waiting for you to dump her again. She wants space, so leave her alone. 3
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 25 minutes ago, Moo138 said: she seemed less angry and been speaking to me a bit. she’s been listening to me but needs space and will come to me when she’s ready. Sorry this happened. What is the real reason you broke up? Why did you dump her then change your mind? She's right to be wary of someone flaky who tossed her like trash. Step way back from this. She is not your therapist. Leave her alone. If you are having mood issues,ups and downs, anxiety etc., it's best to work on this.
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Few get second chances. By breaking up with her you ruined it for her, She will not trust you going forward and you can't re-write history. She will always be waiting for you to dump her again. She wants space, so leave her alone. But do you think they fact she came back asking questions meant she is thinking about it? Plus she said she would like to talk face to face? If she wasn’t interested surely she would have just said?
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. What is the real reason you broke up? Why did you dump her then change your mind? She's right to be wary of someone flaky who tossed her like trash. Step way back from this. She is not your therapist. Leave her alone. If you are having mood issues,ups and downs, anxiety etc., it's best to work on this. I felt confused, didn’t know what I wanted and I get scared of commitment. I’ve been working on these issues and it’s made me realise I really want to be with her and change for the better. I totally understand she’s angry like she said she was. But I’m just hoping by some of the things she’s said seems like she’s thinking about things. Im giving her space and we haven’t spoken in 2 weeks. But she did say she will come to me when she’s ready and she hasn’t blocked me so makes me think there’s still a chance? Edited September 2, 2021 by Moo138 Spelling
basil67 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 Well nothing is impossible, but the fact that she's not setting meeting date with you does not bode well. Her needing more space to consider it shows that she's working through a heap of issues related to the break up and may decide she's not up for giving you a second chance.
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: Well nothing is impossible, but the fact that she's not setting meeting date with you does not bode well. Her needing more space to consider it shows that she's working through a heap of issues related to the break up and may decide she's not up for giving you a second chance. Yeah it’s a tricky one. She said how long it will take I don’t know. I guess we didn’t speak for 2 months and she thought that was it. Then all of a sudden I come out of the blue pouring my heart out was a shock for her and a lot to process. I guess she’s still angry and needs time to calm down before talking
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 8 minutes ago, Moo138 said: I get scared of commitment. This excuse is overused and usually nonsense. You're not a victim. You victimized her by stringing her along, then dumping her. Get your act together and do it on your own without expecting someone you treated as disposable to hold your hand. Be honest with yourself. First you claim you weren't happy, then you claim you were scared. You were not committed to her. Someone else probably caught your eye and when that didn't pan out you went crawling back. 1
Blind-Sided Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 16 minutes ago, Moo138 said: But do you think they fact she came back asking questions meant she is thinking about it? Plus she said she would like to talk face to face? If she wasn’t interested surely she would have just said? Yes... she is thinking about it. But "Thinking" doesn't mean she will come back. I personally have never given an ex a second chance. If things aren't right, and my partner wants to work on them... that's one thing. But to break up... that's forever. As already said... trust is gone. Give it a little time.... at least a month. And if she doesn't reach out... move on. But do not contact her again.
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: This excuse is overused and usually nonsense. You're not a victim. You victimized her by stringing her along, then dumping her. Get your act together and do it on your own without expecting someone you treated as disposable to hold your hand. Be honest with yourself. First you claim you weren't happy, then you claim you were scared. You were not committed to her. Someone else probably caught your eye and when that didn't pan out you went crawling back. No honestly it was nothing to do with anyone else. My head wasn’t in a good place with lockdown and work and I was getting anxiety and some depression. I feel it made me confused and only now we’ve broken it’s made me realise how deep my feelings are. I know I’m an idiot and made a mistake and she has every right to be angry
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Yes... she is thinking about it. But "Thinking" doesn't mean she will come back. I personally have never given an ex a second chance. If things aren't right, and my partner wants to work on them... that's one thing. But to break up... that's forever. As already said... trust is gone. Give it a little time.... at least a month. And if she doesn't reach out... move on. But do not contact her again. But do you not think sometimes a break up can work out better in the end if she’s willing to give another chance? I hear a lot of people given 2nd chances have worked out for the better so I’m hoping. Even her best mate give her ex a 2nd chance Edited September 2, 2021 by Moo138
basil67 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 14 minutes ago, Moo138 said: Yeah it’s a tricky one. She said how long it will take I don’t know. I guess we didn’t speak for 2 months and she thought that was it. Then all of a sudden I come out of the blue pouring my heart out was a shock for her and a lot to process. I guess she’s still angry and needs time to calm down before talking I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for her to decide to see you.
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for her to decide to see you. Yeah that’s fairenough. I guess it’s just hard at the moment not to think about her 24/7
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 6 minutes ago, Moo138 said: I was getting anxiety and some depression. Ok. Then you need a physician and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. Do this on your own. Talk to friends and family for support. Leave her alone. She doesn't seem to believe your excuses. First it's you're unhappy with the relationship, then it's you're afraid of commitment and now it mental health? It sounds like you are rehearsing excuses. Seems like you are looking for an angle to use her yet again. Get your act together. Figure out what the Honest and real reason you broke up is and work on yourself. Actually she probably confides in all her trusted friends and family about what you did to her and they most likely advised her to stay away from you. 2
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok. Then you need a physician and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. Do this on your own. Talk to friends and family for support. Leave her alone. She doesn't seem to believe your excuses. First it's you're unhappy with the relationship, then it's you're afraid of commitment and now it mental health? It sounds like you are rehearsing excuses. Seems like you are looking for an angle to use her yet again. Get your act together. Figure out what the Honest and real reason you broke up is and work on yourself. Actually she probably confides in all her trusted friends and family about what you did to her and they most likely advised her to stay away from you. I’m not sure how that seems like I’m trying to use her? I’m certainly not. All the reasons I listed were things I was experiencing. I genuinely made a mistake but thanks for the advise tho I wanted to get other people’s opinions on the situation
Blind-Sided Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 24 minutes ago, Moo138 said: But do you not think sometimes a break up can work out better in the end ............ NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What part of... "Trust is gone" is hard to understand? You need to trust your partner to have a happy LT life together. If I was her... all the break up did was prove you will leave if things aren't right, and are not willing to talk/work through an issue. I get that you needed to do what's right for yourself... and if you head wasn't into it... then you need to break it off, and work on yourself. But you can't expect people to wait around for you. Even if she comes back... this is something that will stay in her head forever. Sorry to be blunt... but it's the truth. 1
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said: NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What part of... "Trust is gone" is hard to understand? You need to trust your partner to have a happy LT life together. If I was her... all the break up did was prove you will leave if things aren't right, and are not willing to talk/work through an issue. I get that you needed to do what's right for yourself... and if you head wasn't into it... then you need to break it off, and work on yourself. But you can't expect people to wait around for you. Even if she comes back... this is something that will stay in her head forever. Sorry to be blunt... but it's the truth. But people can trust people people again, people do get 2nd chances. I know it might not happen but im trying to stay positive and hopeful. She kept a line of communication open for a reason and she said she has been listening to what I’ve been saying. I know what she’s like she would have said straight away I’m not interested leave me alone and blocked me.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) I only know of two cases among my friends and family where a second chance at a relaitonship has worked out in the end, if I'm being honest. Most other reconciliations I've seen didn't last. So yes, they sometimes work. But not very often, in my experience. Edited September 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I only know of two cases among my friends and family where a second chance at a relaitonship has worked out in the end, if I'm being honest. Most other reconciliations I've seen didn't last. So yes, they sometimes work. But not very often, in my experience. That’s fairenough. I guess if it’s meant to be she will contact me for a talk once she’s had her space
spiritedaway2003 Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Moo138 said: I felt confused, didn’t know what I wanted and I get scared of commitment. I’ve been working on these issues and it’s made me realise I really want to be with her and change for the better. I totally understand she’s angry like she said she was. But I’m just hoping by some of the things she’s said seems like she’s thinking about things. Im giving her space and we haven’t spoken in 2 weeks. But she did say she will come to me when she’s ready and she hasn’t blocked me so makes me think there’s still a chance? My advice is for you to revisit your reasons for breaking up. As Elaine said, most “break up” don’t get second chances. A person who is truly in love with another wouldn’t run away because of “commitment”. And being stressed with work and pandemic, even if there is some truth to it, is still a poor reason for a breakup. We’ve also all been in it for at least a year. She has her stresses too, so what changed? I am not sure if you are honest even with yourself on the real reasons for the breakup. Pause and revisit those reasons. Are you afraid of commitment with her BECAUSE you don’t see a future with her? Are you wanting to go back because you missed the comfort of being in relationship, and you missed her, and don’t want to be alone? If you want the relationship back because you really love her, you still need to respect her decision and give her space. Don’t spend your time waiting on the decision. When you made yours to end it, it was over. If she changes her mind, she knows where to find you. Gently, your anxiety is yours to deal with. Maybe work with a therapist on how to calm those anxiety so you don’t rush to decision like you did with the breakup (and if that decision wasn’t rushed, then that means you thought about it enough to break up in the first place) If you want to get back together for any other reason other than “committing” to a future together, then leave her alone. You would be wasting more of her time and her chance to find someone who wants that with her. That’s not love at all. Be honest with yourself with the real reasons why you broke up in the first place and why you want to get back together. Those would be a good starting points for introspection. You sound very young to me, but you know your own reasons better than any of us. Good luck. Edited September 2, 2021 by spiritedaway2003 2
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said: My advice is for you to revisit your reasons for breaking up. As Elaine said, most “break up” don’t get second chances. A person who is truly in love with another wouldn’t run away because of “commitment”. And being stressed with work and pandemic, even if there is some truth to it, is still a poor reason for a breakup. We’ve also all been in it for at least a year. She has her stresses too, so changed? I am not sure if you are honest even with yourself on the real reasons for the breakup. Pause and revisit those reasons. Are you afraid of commitment with her BECAUSE you don’t see a future with her? Are you wanting to go back because you missed the comfort of being in relationship, and you missed her, and don’t want to be alone? If you want the relationship back because you really love her, you still need to respect her decision and give her space. Don’t spend your time waiting on the decision. When you made yours to end it, it was over. If she changes her mind, she knows where to find you. Gently, your anxiety is yours to deal with. Maybe work with a therapist on how to calm those anxiety so you don’t rushed to decision like you did with the breakup (and if that decision wasn’t rushed, then that means you thought about it enough to break up in the first place) If you want to get back together for any other reason other than “committing” to a future together, then leave her alone. You would be wasting more of her time and her chance to find someone who wants that with her. That’s not love at all. Be honest with yourself with the real reasons why you broke up in the first place and why you want to get back together. Those would be a good starting points for introspection. You sound very young to me, but you know your own reasons better than any of us. Good luck. Thanks for the advice. yeah to be honest I wasn’t sure I saw a future with her but also felt the other issues I was experiencing were clouding my judgement and making me confused. I can honestly say having the time apart the made me realise things were good and I really can see a future with her and I shouldn’t be scared of my feelings or commitment. I know it’s a crap excuse but it’s taken this for me to realise how I really feel
Alpacalia Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Moo138 said: I felt confused, didn’t know what I wanted and I get scared of commitment. Why do you believe three months is enough time to overcome commitment anxiety? Or, what about it with her, "frightened" you. You might want to reconsider what's truly going on before deciding what you can do at this stage.
Author Moo138 Posted September 2, 2021 Author Posted September 2, 2021 9 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Why do you believe three months is enough time to overcome commitment anxiety? Or, what about it with her, "frightened" you. You might want to reconsider what's truly going on before deciding what you can do at this stage. I felt ok for the first month as I was focusing on getting a new job and working on my money issues. Then after like 2 months it really started to kick in that I’ve made a mistake and do want to be with her. I’ve always been scared or commitment and end up pushing problem away so it wasn’t anything to do with her. I know it’s silly but I’ve been working on these issues and losing someone has made me realise I shouldn’t be scared of my feelings/commitment
Alpacalia Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 23 minutes ago, Moo138 said: I’ve always been scared or commitment and end up pushing problem away so it wasn’t anything to do with her. Maybe therapy can help with that. But, it's an investment, like anything else. Will you be honest with her if she agrees to be with you again - and that's a big IF - or is there something else that will conveniently come out later? What assurance does she have that you won't skip town the next day because of the same fear?
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2021 Posted September 2, 2021 When she responded with Qs initially that was a good sign. But now that she's back-peddled & asked for space, there is less & less chance that she will come back. Either somebody is whispering in her ear telling her to never trust you again; she's found somebody else even if he's a rebound; she's punishing you; or she's playing the chase me game, meaning she is testing you to see if you pursue her even in the face of her telling you to stay away. That is a very dangerous game & an even harder one for you to navigate because if you can't trust what she says, that doesn't bode well for future communications. You know her. We don't. Which do you think it is? I would give apology flowers a shot but I only give that a 40% chance of working. Send a nice bouquet through a florist to her home or office with a request for a date. See if you get a response. Understand if she was serious about needing time & contacting you when she's ready, this will annoy her as you not respecting her stated desire. Similarly she may see the flowers as a bribe (they kind of are). By trying to reconcile you are making an effort but not an overly annoying one. Blowing up her phone, constantly calling or texting will push her away. You may want to consider writing her a paper letter & pouring your heart out. It can't be electronic. An email or worse a text won't cut it. You have to show effort. This needs to be on paper mailed with a stamp. You should go through several drafts to word things just right. Do not sent a stream of consciousness pile of verbal vomit. She thinks it was easy for you to walk away without good reason. Her trust is understandably broken . If you get her back, there will be groveling & you will have to step up your efforts. She will feel on shaky ground with you for a long time. In the face of trouble in your life you jettisoned her which hurts & damaged the foundations of your relationship. Think of it like this. Your relationship is a plate. You deliberately broke it. Now you want to glue the pieces back together. Sure with some good glue, the plate may still be serviceable but it will never be the same, whole unbroken thing. 55 minutes ago, Moo138 said: yeah to be honest I wasn’t sure I saw a future with her but also felt the other issues I was experiencing were clouding my judgement and making me confused. I can honestly say having the time apart the made me realise things were good and I really can see a future with her and I shouldn’t be scared of my feelings or commitment. I know it’s a crap excuse but it’s taken this for me to realise how I really feel Those are good lessons to have learned. They will help you tremendously in your next relationship.
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