Dating a Single Mom Questions

[Caauug]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Finally, kids are more little people to love you.

Or little people to hate you..... Blame you for mum and dad not patching it up and being a family again.... "If you weren't here mum would love dad again!!!!" The bitterness can last a lifetime... 

[Interstellar]

 was she young when she had the kids? why did she choose this guy? you need to investigate this further before you get in too deep with this woman what’s the deal with the ex? does he visit the kids? is he gonna put a chair over your head when you ask the kids to eat their vegetables and fix their beds? 

there was a headline a couple years ago, this former knicks coach got into a fight with the ex-husband of a woman he’s dating because of the kids. so the ex who’s known for being a knucklehead confronted him because the kids called their daddy and want him over the new guy. so the ex-husband of the year rushes over to the house and an altercation ensues.

just be careful.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Interstellar

[ChatroomHero]

From experience:

Like others said, you will always be second fiddle. Early on, you will be 3rd fiddle, 4th fiddle...etc behind her kids, her family and her friends, job.... So starting out it can be tough. If you can handle seeing her for anything meaningful maybe once a month or every other month initially and having calls or texts instead, that will be about what you can expect to start.

The tough part comes when you haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and have a great night planned and you get a call 10 minutes after she is supposed to meet you saying that at the last minute her kid needed to go somewhere and the ride cancelled, her kid is sick, the dad was supposed to pick them up but didn't...and then you suggest you could meet a little later and her saying she will be too tired at that point. The 11th time it happens you will really begin to question her. It gets hard to tell if she is using the kids as an excuse to flake. Even if everything seems on the up and up, in the future if you meet her kids and spend time with her and the kids, you may notice all the free time she does have. Like you'll see/hear about how her parents or friends watch the kids all the time for her and she goes out with teacher friends, etc. Then you'll begin to wonder about the times she 'couldn't get a sitter' or the 'sitter cancelled at the last minute' to go on a date with you when you hadn't seen her in weeks and later learn her parents live down the block and always watch the kids last minute and don't ever cancel.

That's the one thing I noticed when I got engaged to a single mom and we moved in together. Months and months of believing she had 0 minutes per day of free time, then I saw she had more free time to go out and do things than I did. That and the Ex drama. If she has a lot of drama with her Ex because of the kids, I have usually found that if you talk to the Ex, any issues you have with her will match his issues with her exactly. I have heard so many, "The father doesn't want much to do with them" stories then later find out that the father asks to do things all the time and the mom is bitter and denies it. Then the dad eventually gets tired of having to fight tooth and nail to take his kids to a carnival when the mother has them with no plans. So I am always leary when the mom says the dad wants nothing to do with them until I see the evidence.

So for me with a single mom, the kids have to be a bit older or it is a deal breaker, way too much drama. She needs to have a fairly easy relationship with the Ex when it comes to the kids, like they work together for the kids, have a schedule with each other that requires minimal communication between them. That and she needs to be more available than once or twice a month because believe me, she is going out and doing things every week, just not with you if that's the case. So she needs to show effort to see you fairly often, at least trying and comparing schedules and not just saying, "Not this week" all the time and even if it is just for a quick lunch or something. That and if you make plans she needs to stick to them, it will drive you crazy if she just flakes and gives you an excuse and you feel she is flaking. You'll feel guilty for feeling that but also get mad if you really think she flaked, again and again.

To sum it up, it's a whole different dynamic than "regular dating" you should be prepared for but if you are ok with it, it's fine. I think a lot of guys think...I like this girl, I'll like being with her whatever that means...but when you are low on her priority list because she has kids, it gets really frustrating unless she is pretty honest and direct. Before you feel you really trust her, I think the situation makes it really hard to build that trust in the first place. If you get close to her and the kids eventually, keep in mind when you go out with her and the kids are included, it is more about the kids than you and her so a lot of your "dates" aren't really dates for you and her. So if she meets with you a couple of times a month and it's with the kids, you'll have even less alone time with her than a couple of times a month.

I am just pointing out the bad things I have gone through, take it with a grain of salt but just thought I'd give you a heads up.

[Tgal]

I'm a single mom with full custody and a teacher. When I meet someone worth my time, I make the time. I might get a little less sleep but I've definitely found ways to date. I agree with the ones who said not to wait too long because she might assume you aren't that into her and we wouldn't want that. It sounds like you really like her. I would tell her you'd really love to see her again and ask her to suggest a day that works. Then you've let her know and the pressure is off of you. And it shows her that you are interested, flexible and accommodating. Good luck! :) 

[Lotsgoingon]

The right partner will make you feel seen and appreciated and emotionally you should not feel neglected. Do not presume you have to go slow and all of that. Both of you will figure out the time issue. 

There are a thousand factors involved in how available a single parent is. Is there a babysitter in the picture? A grandma who can take care of the kids occasionally? Is the parent organized with time? Are they emotionally nurturing and available. 

Do not go into things assuming you need to hide and put up with feeling neglected. 

[cablinasian019]

Thanks for the replies. All really valid points and things I’ve seen so far. I asked to meet her again this coming weekend and couldn’t because she has her kids. I definitely see that I’m way down on her list of priorities which is fine right now. I will ask her again to see when she’s available. I’ve got nothing to lose and if it doesn’t work as a single guy I will move on.