When sarcastic jokes sound like insults in disguise

[chicken_and_quaffles]

 

Hi all, 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just shy of a year. He's late 20s, and I'm early 30s. One of the things that initially made me fall in love with him was his sense of humor. We both like to banter and can be a little dry at times. We tease each other, but it's usually good-natured. However, something happened over the weekend. He was very sarcastic with me and his jokes definitely felt more like insults. Nothing he was saying was particularly funny. Let me give some examples. 

He came to my place to hang out Saturday evening. I hadn't eaten yet (he had) and he told me to order something off DoorDash. Maybe I was taking too long but after a few minutes, he let out a big sigh and when I asked what was wrong he said "I'm bored and you're just sitting there on your phone." ....Because I was ordering food like he asked me to do. 

I drove us to the restaurant to pick up the food and when we got there, I made a comment about how someone had died in a shooting in the nearby parking lot last summer and how sad it was. His comment: "why would you say something like that? What is wrong with you?" ....yes it's morbid, but I was just sharing a story?

Backing out of the parking spot when we were leaving and I had to do some maneuvering: "Have you ever driven a car before? Sure doesn't seem like it."

I was also wearing a lower cut shirt and he made a comment like "wow you wore that out in public today? 

Later we were on the couch and I had my legs on his lap. I have a pretty nasty scar on my knee from where I fell while trail running a few weeks ago. He was looking at it and asked me "why are your legs so gross?" Like...yes it's not a nice looking scar lol but is it necessary to say it like that?

He's NEVER talked to me like this before. I told him multiple times that night he was being mean for no reason. He didn't really have a response. When he made the comment about my legs, I pulled my feet off his lap and said he was really hurting my feelings and he said he was sorry and would never say something like that and mean it...it was just a joke. But was it really? I can't imagine "joking" like that with anyone  care about. There's a different between teasing and just being rude. 

I talked with my therapist about it today, and she said to keep my guard up but really couldn't say whether or not he was on the path to emotionally abusive behavior since it's only happened once. She mentioned maybe it was him feeling too comfortable with me and talking to me the way he and his friends talk to each other. At first I was feeling like it was too late to say anything else about it since the weekend is over, but her advice was to let him know as soon as possible, again, that the way he talked to me wasn't okay and it made me feel hurt and undervalued. Then if it happened again, I'd have an answer. 

I just wanted to have others weigh in. It's not something I really want to bring up to my friends (which I know is a red flag in and of itself). He's normally a very sweet person so this felt wildly out of character. 

[jspice]

Nothing about this sounds like a joke, sarcastic or otherwise. 

[Wiseman2]

He quite hostile. It hard to understand why you are tolerating this verbal abuse. Google: 'jokes as abuse'.

He doesn't have "a good sense of humor". he has hostility and negativity dressed up as sarcasm.

Don't  defend your yourself. Always respond with "what do you mean by that?". 

He's a coward and bully. Rethink why you're with someone this negative and passive-aggressive.

Edited August 31, 2021 by Wiseman2

[chicken_and_quaffles]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He quite hostile. It hard to understand why you are tolerating this verbal abuse. Google 'types of verbal abuse'.

He doesn't have "a good sense of humor". he has hostility and negativity dressed up as sarcasm.

Don't  defend your yourself. Always respond with "what do you mean by that?". 

 He's a coward and bully. Rethink why you're with someone this negative and passive-aggressive.

I am rethinking it, which is why I brought it up in therapy. 

If he had always been like this, I would have never let it go on. 

[Lauriebell82]

Thats not sarcasm..it sounds like he doesn't have much of a filter and a very passive aggressive way of relating to people. If you are sensitive (and it sounds like you are) then the comments can hit you kind of hard. 

Have you talked to him about this? My boyfriend also has a passive aggressive way of relating to others (he does this with his friends a lot) but it doesn't translate to me as well. He was very understanding when I spoke to him about it and has been very sensitive to me in making sure my feelings aren't hurt and also makes it a point to check to with me to make sure he isn't crossing the line. I really appreciate that a lot. 

So my suggestion would be to talk to him. If he isn't willing to work with you or be sensitive to your feelings then I would re-ass staying in the relationship. 

[chicken_and_quaffles]

I'm definitely sensitive and an empath, so yeah stuff like that gets to me. 

I told him that night he was being mean, but I'm about to go ahead and tell him right now that it crossed a line with me and made me feel pretty hurt. I'm sure my boyfriend, like yours, talks with his friends that way. 

[FMW]

Maybe he had a particularly bad day that day, or maybe he was holding some resentment against you you're not aware of.

Neither make what he said ok.  I would keep an eye open for anything similar in the future, like your therapist said, and call him on it immediately.  If it does happen again, I would take a serious look at your relationship.

My ex husband starting "joking" harshly at a certain point in our marriage.  It was an early sign of issues that ended our marriage.

[chicken_and_quaffles]

4 minutes ago, FMW said:

Maybe he had a particularly bad day that day, or maybe he was holding some resentment against you you're not aware of.

Neither make what he said ok.  I would keep an eye open for anything similar in the future, like your therapist said, and call him on it immediately.  If it does happen again, I would take a serious look at your relationship.

My ex husband starting "joking" harshly at a certain point in our marriage.  It was an early sign of issues that ended our marriage.

Yes, I was also thinking maybe I did something or he was upset about something and was lashing out instead of talking about it. 

I don't think I want to wait until there is a next time to bring it up, so I'm going to call him in a bit and talk about Saturday night and how it made me feel. 

[basil67]

cross posted - comment superceded

Edited August 31, 2021 by basil67

[glows]

1 hour ago, chicken_and_quaffles said:

Yes, I was also thinking maybe I did something or he was upset about something and was lashing out instead of talking about it. 

I don't think I want to wait until there is a next time to bring it up, so I'm going to call him in a bit and talk about Saturday night and how it made me feel. 

Let us know how it goes. I might add that your therapist was correct in drawing boundaries. The point is to not only tell him how you felt but also let him know that it is not okay. And yes, if he does it again you will know that he disregards or isn't capable of valuing you or respecting you. 

Comments like that are verbally abusive and further signs he's checked out, no longer cares how you feel or what your or his place is in the relationship. Personally, that would be a clear indicator that it's over. Chances are you are shocked and confused. Don't stick around especially if it continues happening.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, chicken_and_quaffles said:

Later we were on the couch and I had my legs on his lap. I have a pretty nasty scar on my knee from where I fell while trail running a few weeks ago. He was looking at it and asked me "why are your legs so gross?" Like...yes it's not a nice looking scar lol but is it necessary to say it like that?

My response would have been "and why is your dick so small"?   

Probably not the best way of handling it, but Jeeesuz!! 

That said, there are some couples who thoroughly enjoy engaging in that type of banter, but since this is something new and not how you typically interact, I agree something is off.

I agree with speaking up and telling him such remarks are NOT appreciated. 

And if they continue, you may want to re-think this relationship.

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Do you have sex with this guy? If yes, why?
 

If no, he could being passive aggressive out of sexual frustration 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

Nope something was making him insecure/ his mood was dark, ...why? I don't know but he was attacking you verbally in a passive aggressive manner in retaliation. Not good.

[ExpatInItaly]

When someone seems constantly irritated with you and takes every opportunity to make a dig - they resent you for some reason. 

It sounds like he might be getting tired of this relationship but does not have the stones to come out and say so. So he's rude and hostile. I think you will find that whatever is going on with him, it will spell trouble for the relationship. 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, chicken_and_quaffles said:

 

Hi all, 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just shy of a year. He's late 20s, and I'm early 30s. One of the things that initially made me fall in love with him was his sense of humor. We both like to banter and can be a little dry at times. We tease each other, but it's usually good-natured. However, something happened over the weekend. He was very sarcastic with me and his jokes definitely felt more like insults. Nothing he was saying was particularly funny. Let me give some examples. 

He came to my place to hang out Saturday evening. I hadn't eaten yet (he had) and he told me to order something off DoorDash. Maybe I was taking too long but after a few minutes, he let out a big sigh and when I asked what was wrong he said "I'm bored and you're just sitting there on your phone." ....Because I was ordering food like he asked me to do. 

I drove us to the restaurant to pick up the food and when we got there, I made a comment about how someone had died in a shooting in the nearby parking lot last summer and how sad it was. His comment: "why would you say something like that? What is wrong with you?" ....yes it's morbid, but I was just sharing a story?

Backing out of the parking spot when we were leaving and I had to do some maneuvering: "Have you ever driven a car before? Sure doesn't seem like it."

I was also wearing a lower cut shirt and he made a comment like "wow you wore that out in public today? 

Later we were on the couch and I had my legs on his lap. I have a pretty nasty scar on my knee from where I fell while trail running a few weeks ago. He was looking at it and asked me "why are your legs so gross?" Like...yes it's not a nice looking scar lol but is it necessary to say it like that?

He's NEVER talked to me like this before. I told him multiple times that night he was being mean for no reason. He didn't really have a response. When he made the comment about my legs, I pulled my feet off his lap and said he was really hurting my feelings and he said he was sorry and would never say something like that and mean it...it was just a joke. But was it really? I can't imagine "joking" like that with anyone  care about. There's a different between teasing and just being rude. 

I talked with my therapist about it today, and she said to keep my guard up but really couldn't say whether or not he was on the path to emotionally abusive behavior since it's only happened once. She mentioned maybe it was him feeling too comfortable with me and talking to me the way he and his friends talk to each other. At first I was feeling like it was too late to say anything else about it since the weekend is over, but her advice was to let him know as soon as possible, again, that the way he talked to me wasn't okay and it made me feel hurt and undervalued. Then if it happened again, I'd have an answer. 

I just wanted to have others weigh in. It's not something I really want to bring up to my friends (which I know is a red flag in and of itself). He's normally a very sweet person so this felt wildly out of character. 

There probably was something going on inside his mind that he was pissed st you about something.

 

some of these comments are not part of this

 

1 why bring up someone died at that location? Was thus someone you knew?  His reaction was why are you bringing this up what’s the point.

 

2. the comment on your driving might have bern related to something you did that you did not realize.  Like something you forgot to do.

 

as for the sarcasm.  If you enjoy this, there are going to be times the envelope is pushed too far.  There might have not been any intent or you missed a reference point of the comment.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, chicken_and_quaffles said:

 I'm going to call him in a bit and talk about Saturday night and how it made me feel. 

This is exactly what passive aggressive bullies want you to do.

That way he can add further insult to injury by claiming you're too sensitive, you misunderstood, you don't have a sense of humor.., etc.

Talking about your feelings with someone like this is like loading the gun they'll fire at you.

Talk with trusted friends and family first. 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Taramere]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is exactly what passive aggressive bullies want you to do.

That way he can add further insult to injury by claiming you're too sensitive, you misunderstood, you don't have a sense of humor.., etc.

The OP is clear now that he's crossed her boundaries and made "jokes" that she's not prepared to accept as jokes.  Now she just needs to stick to her guns, and it sounds as though she's capable of doing that.  So if he says "you're too sensitive" or any of that, she might respond along the lines of "I'm happy enough with my level of sensitivity, and I've no plans to change it."

I agree with Expat in Italy that when somebody starts picking at their partner like this, it's often an early sign that they're tired of the relationship - but equally he could be testing out just how much s**t she's prepared to take from him.  One of the advantages of talking the situation over with other people in the way the OP has is that it can help reassure her that she's not being unusually sensitive in how she's perceiving these comments...and that can help build confidence in having the sort of conversation she's planning to have.

He might surprise her.  I've had a conversation like that with somebody before where I did actually expect them to tell me I was being over-sensitive - and instead, got a response along the line of "yeah, I was being an ****hole.  I'm sorry."  Sometimes people just behave badly because they're in an irritable mood that day, know themselves that it's wrong and are quite happy to have the sort of conversation where it can be sorted out.  But a couple of the comments the OP have described sound like something a badly brought up 12 year old boy would say - and sound like they're something more than just the result of somebody having an off day.   Mysense from the OP's posts here are that she's somebody who's pretty capable of taking the bull by the horns, having that conversation and dealing with any attempts he might make to add insult to injury by coming out with the sort of comments you're (very probably correctly) predicting he'll make.

 

[d0nnivain]

He was rude.  It wasn't sarcasm.  It wasn't a joke.  He was being a jerk.  You aren't overly sensitive, at least not about this.  I don't know that he's on his way to being abusive but if his attitude doesn't improve, there is no sense in going forward.  Hopefully he was just in a bad mood & this won't happen again.  

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, chicken_and_quaffles said:

he was on the path to emotionally abusive behavior since it's only happened once.

Why even wait to find out? It doesn't matter if he had a bad day. By allowing him to stay in your home with these insults which he intended to hurt you a you're already condoning abuse. 

[ShyViolet]

This doesn't even sound like jokes.  It just sounds like he was in a bad mood for some reason, and being a huge jerk that day.  You should have told him to get out of your house and go home.  You should have walked away from him at the restaurant and told him to make his own way home.  That's what I would have done.  You should have been more assertive.  Don't just take this.  Tell him that if he treats you like that again, you won't be seeing him.  It makes absolutely no sense to stay with a guy who is straight up mean and verbally abusive to you.

[spiderowl]

Are you living with this guy?  If not, I'd get out of this relationship.  He was treating you really badly.  He might have been in a miserable mood but that does not excuse his behaviour.

If you want to try and make a go of this relationship, then I agree with the therapist, keep an eye on him, let him know if he hurts your feelings so that he can rectify it, but don't put up with much more of this. 

I have never liked sarcasm and the older I get the more I see that it is veiled anger or hostility; it speaks volumes about the person using it.

I once visited a schoolfriend of mine.  She lived a long way off so we rarely met when we were adults.  When I visited, I met her husband.  She had a small child at that time.  He had been at work and had just come home.  I said something nice about his job and he replied in a rather unfriendly sarcastic way, which seemed inappropriate.  I just assumed that he was tired after work but was a bit surprised he wasn't more pleasant to someone he had just met.

Years later, my friend had to get out of what turned out to be an abusive relationship after the guy had hit her and her kids.  He'd been arrested and was prosecuted.  He had other nasty habits which she did not find out about until he'd gone.  The abuse had gone on some time before the relationship ended.  My first impression of the guy was that he was unpleasantly sarcastic.  I now wonder whether that wasn't an indicator of his later behaviour.  

Edited September 1, 2021 by spiderowl

[chicken_and_quaffles]

On 9/1/2021 at 12:41 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

When someone seems constantly irritated with you and takes every opportunity to make a dig - they resent you for some reason. 

It sounds like he might be getting tired of this relationship but does not have the stones to come out and say so. So he's rude and hostile. I think you will find that whatever is going on with him, it will spell trouble for the relationship. 

 

 

This is what I assumed too, but he keeps continuing to make plans for us well into the future. If he was over the relationship, wouldn't he not ask me to come to his family reunion next month? Or not already be buying me birthday presents?

[chicken_and_quaffles]

On 9/1/2021 at 4:50 PM, spiderowl said:

Are you living with this guy?  If not, I'd get out of this relationship.  He was treating you really badly.  He might have been in a miserable mood but that does not excuse his behaviour.

If you want to try and make a go of this relationship, then I agree with the therapist, keep an eye on him, let him know if he hurts your feelings so that he can rectify it, but don't put up with much more of this. 

I have never liked sarcasm and the older I get the more I see that it is veiled anger or hostility; it speaks volumes about the person using it.

I once visited a schoolfriend of mine.  She lived a long way off so we rarely met when we were adults.  When I visited, I met her husband.  She had a small child at that time.  He had been at work and had just come home.  I said something nice about his job and he replied in a rather unfriendly sarcastic way, which seemed inappropriate.  I just assumed that he was tired after work but was a bit surprised he wasn't more pleasant to someone he had just met.

Years later, my friend had to get out of what turned out to be an abusive relationship after the guy had hit her and her kids.  He'd been arrested and was prosecuted.  He had other nasty habits which she did not find out about until he'd gone.  The abuse had gone on some time before the relationship ended.  My first impression of the guy was that he was unpleasantly sarcastic.  I now wonder whether that wasn't an indicator of his later behaviour.  

We don't live together, we've only been together 9 months. 

I agree that a miserable mood really isn't an excuse to be unkind to your partner. 

My boyfriend is the type of guy who bottles up his feelings and emotions, refuses to really talk about anything uncomfortable. So I could also see this as built up frustration, resentment, or whatever looking for an outlet. 

[chicken_and_quaffles]

On 9/1/2021 at 2:18 PM, ShyViolet said:

This doesn't even sound like jokes.  It just sounds like he was in a bad mood for some reason, and being a huge jerk that day.  You should have told him to get out of your house and go home.  You should have walked away from him at the restaurant and told him to make his own way home.  That's what I would have done.  You should have been more assertive.  Don't just take this.  Tell him that if he treats you like that again, you won't be seeing him.  It makes absolutely no sense to stay with a guy who is straight up mean and verbally abusive to you.

I mean it's easy to say that outside of the situation, but not so much in the moment. 

[chicken_and_quaffles]

I did try to bring it up with him the next day. I told him, again, that he'd been pretty mean to me the night before. At first he said he didn't remember saying any of those things. He does have a terrible memory, or this could just be gaslighting. Kept saying he'd never say something like that. Then when I said well I didn't like it...he told me I needed to learn to take a joke. Which I did not appreciate. 

I'm definitely seriously considering ending the relationship now. As if I wasn't already pissed off enough, last night he forgot that we'd made plans earlier in the week and instead went golfing with his buddies.