Mrin Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Rubbing his 15 yr old daughter's back? Rubbing a child's back is one of the great parenting tools for calming an upset child (or person for that matter) down. Totally normal. I can put both of my kids to sleep with a back rub. Or he could have been cuddling her. 5 hours ago, Classicfiction said: But I've also talked at length to another single dad who told me his 13 yr old daughter still sleeps with him and he asked me if I thought it was ok. As an every night thing, that's unusual at that age though every kid matures at different rates. But on occasion that's pretty normal. 5 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Why does it make me feel funky? I have no idea Well, I would toss out a few things to think about. The first you've already hit on - you've never seen father - daughter relationships modeled before. At least not like this. Another is that every family is different. Some are not terribly affectionate and have a good deal of distance between parents and kids. Others are very close. So I would look to your own relationship with your mom and see how close or distant it was. Lastly, and I say this with great trepidation, is there any trauma in your history? That might explain your reaction. I guess the one other thing I'd say is that as a single parent, a father fills roles normally filled by the mother. So asked yourself this: would it have been weird for a mom to do that? If not, then it isn't weird for a single father to do that. Dads have to be moms and moms have to be dads.
Author Classicfiction Posted August 31, 2021 Author Posted August 31, 2021 47 minutes ago, Mrin said: Rubbing a child's back is one of the great parenting tools for calming an upset child (or person for that matter) down. Totally normal. I can put both of my kids to sleep with a back rub. Or he could have been cuddling her. As an every night thing, that's unusual at that age though every kid matures at different rates. But on occasion that's pretty normal. Well, I would toss out a few things to think about. The first you've already hit on - you've never seen father - daughter relationships modeled before. At least not like this. Another is that every family is different. Some are not terribly affectionate and have a good deal of distance between parents and kids. Others are very close. So I would look to your own relationship with your mom and see how close or distant it was. Lastly, and I say this with great trepidation, is there any trauma in your history? That might explain your reaction. I guess the one other thing I'd say is that as a single parent, a father fills roles normally filled by the mother. So asked yourself this: would it have been weird for a mom to do that? If not, then it isn't weird for a single father to do that. Dads have to be moms and moms have to be dads. There is significant trauma in my background.
chillii Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 7 hours ago, Mrin said: So true. I dated a woman with a 9 year old son. When I first was around them as a family unit he loved it... Until I got within 3 feet of his mom. Like if I sat next to her on the couch (without even touching her) he would wedge himself in between us. Even his mom didn't pick up on what he was doing. When I pointed it out she was like "he really likes you and wants to be near you". I'm like, "no he's using his body as a human shield!" Recognizing that I just backed off made sure I kept my space and he warmed up to me pretty quickly. Yeah it's pretty normal it all takes time time time for them . There's so many things involved through divorce or single parents for their kids. Funny , once back in single days l was talking to this cutey down the beach she was just about to give me her number but her 6yr old son literally started dragging her away. Still remember her looking back over her shoulder to me with a giggle as she's getting dragged off, had to laugh. The little man of the house haha.
Author Classicfiction Posted August 31, 2021 Author Posted August 31, 2021 1 hour ago, Mrin said: Rubbing a child's back is one of the great parenting tools for calming an upset child (or person for that matter) down. Totally normal. I can put both of my kids to sleep with a back rub. Or he could have been cuddling her. As an every night thing, that's unusual at that age though every kid matures at different rates. But on occasion that's pretty normal. Well, I would toss out a few things to think about. The first you've already hit on - you've never seen father - daughter relationships modeled before. At least not like this. Another is that every family is different. Some are not terribly affectionate and have a good deal of distance between parents and kids. Others are very close. So I would look to your own relationship with your mom and see how close or distant it was. Lastly, and I say this with great trepidation, is there any trauma in your history? That might explain your reaction. I guess the one other thing I'd say is that as a single parent, a father fills roles normally filled by the mother. So asked yourself this: would it have been weird for a mom to do that? If not, then it isn't weird for a single father to do that. Dads have to be moms and moms have to be dads. So I guess I just want to make sure Im understanding you correctly... you think it's normal and ok for an adult man to be rubbing his 15 year olds back or cuddling her in her room with the lights off? Not that I can ever be sure what exactly was going on in there... but for the sake of continuing the convo, I guess the idea of what you're describing seems very strange to me. A younger child sure. But a teenager who just got through spouting off about random sexcapades as a joke then needing to be physically comforted by her dad while a grown woman waits in the other room? Maaaaan that just seems bizarre to me. Is it my trauma that makes me feel that way?
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 15 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: you think it's normal and ok for an adult man to be rubbing his 15 year olds back or cuddling her in her room with the lights off? Did you end it specifically because of this incident?
mark clemson Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Classicfiction said: So I guess this is why I have such a hard time determining whats ok and what isnt. IF there seemed to be some logical explanation/reason other than "worst-case scenario", I'd have to assess it and make the best determination I could. IF I stuck around, I'd be on the lookout for any add'l yellow or red flags. Seems like there are plenty of fish in the sea, so if there's a whiff of potential incest in the air, there's no necessity to stick around. But an (apparently) working relationship is hard to give up as well. Hence the need to "assess things".
Lauriebell82 Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 26 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: So I guess I just want to make sure Im understanding you correctly... you think it's normal and ok for an adult man to be rubbing his 15 year olds back or cuddling her in her room with the lights off? Not that I can ever be sure what exactly was going on in there... but for the sake of continuing the convo, I guess the idea of what you're describing seems very strange to me. A younger child sure. But a teenager who just got through spouting off about random sexcapades as a joke then needing to be physically comforted by her dad while a grown woman waits in the other room? Maaaaan that just seems bizarre to me. Is it my trauma that makes me feel that way? I feel like the deeper issue here is your lack of communication and detachment from your OWN feelings (possibly due to your own trauma) and the fact that you are VERY hypervigilently honing in on your ex's relationship with his daughter. Whether or not their relationship is appropriate or innapropriate is not really the question...because in reality how is that supposed to help you act differently in relationships? This is supposed to be about YOU after all..but you continue to shift the focus back to him in every response you give. I know this all too well...it doesn't matter if you think his behavior is strange or not. If you are REALLY trying to figure out why your relationships are failing, I would start by taking a look at how YOU ACT while in a relationship. For example: when this situation came up with your ex, how did you address it? Or did you? THAT is the bigger picture here. It's how you communicate your issues that and work through it as a couple that (and I'm just venturing a guess here) are causing your relationships to fail. It's all in the communication! 1
Mrin Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 (edited) 50 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: So I guess I just want to make sure Im understanding you correctly... you think it's normal and ok for an adult man to be rubbing his 15 year olds back or cuddling her in her room with the lights off? A father for his daughter? Yes. Absolutely especially if he's trying to get her down for the night and she's upset. I have a very fond memory of my (now 18) 15 year old daughter falling asleep snuggled into my shoulder as I lay on her bed and stroked her hair. She was really upset because of big friend drama at school. I even busted out the "Winnie the Pooh" theme song that I used to sing to her as a baby. I probably held her for an hour after she fell asleep just remembering how little she used to be. Good memories. All that being said I think it was terribly inconsiderate to leave you hanging out by yourself without giving you a heads up that he needed to take care of parental responsibilities. Edited August 31, 2021 by Mrin
Author Classicfiction Posted August 31, 2021 Author Posted August 31, 2021 14 minutes ago, Lauriebell82 said: I feel like the deeper issue here is your lack of communication and detachment from your OWN feelings (possibly due to your own trauma) and the fact that you are VERY hypervigilently honing in on your ex's relationship with his daughter. Whether or not their relationship is appropriate or innapropriate is not really the question...because in reality how is that supposed to help you act differently in relationships? This is supposed to be about YOU after all..but you continue to shift the focus back to him in every response you give. I know this all too well...it doesn't matter if you think his behavior is strange or not. If you are REALLY trying to figure out why your relationships are failing, I would start by taking a look at how YOU ACT while in a relationship. For example: when this situation came up with your ex, how did you address it? Or did you? THAT is the bigger picture here. It's how you communicate your issues that and work through it as a couple that (and I'm just venturing a guess here) are causing your relationships to fail. It's all in the communication! Honestly it is about me and thats why I'm looking at this stuff. The fact that there seems to be pretty mixed feelings in response to my post is why I keep responding. I need to sort through this stuff and figure out if my instincts are off. The communication involved me asking what was up and him very firmly telling me to not go any further with the convo. So since I couldnt talk it out, I walked away. I also felt that it wasnt really my place at the time to push any further. But I had a sinking feeling in my gut when he was in there for that long and so quiet. I, ME, I need to figure out if my gut is steering me wrong. This particular situation hung on my heart. So if I run into that same feeling again in another situation, how should I proceed, knowing that Im both doing the right thing and not shooting myself in the foot.
chillii Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 Yeah , it's very obvious in your very first post what you wondering , and that this was just one example. You do sound like you might need to give things more of a chance with the right man. 1
Mrin Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 9 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: I, ME, I need to figure out if my gut is steering me wrong. This particular situation hung on my heart. So if I run into that same feeling again in another situation, how should I proceed, knowing that Im both doing the right thing and not shooting myself in the foot. I really applaud your introspection on this. Hmmmmm, just tossing out ideas here but maybe if you run into this again you can ask more about the situation that is concerning you. I know you tried this and he didn't open up. And he probably detected the accusatory tone. For me when I am treading on what is probably sensitive ground (e.g. parenting) I tried to inoculate it first. Like in this situation I might have said, "so I never had a relationship with my father growing up. And my relationship with my stepfather was cordial but not the same as a father. And I'm not a parent so I really don't understand how these things go, but what did you have to do there? Did you have to comfort her?" And see where the conversation goes. My guess is you are already primed to be triggered by situations like this and so the only way for you to become untriggered is to get a better understanding of what's going on. Just like you're doing here. And the way that works in a relationship is to learn more about a man's parenting, parenting philosophy and his relationship with his kids. Most parents will open up and talk your ear off about parenting as long as they don't feel like they are being accused of wrongdoing. All that being said, based off of where you're coming from it might be just better to avoid single dads. It probably isn't a situation you're going to feel at ease with or completely at ease with. That's just not a good foundation for a relationship. 3
Lauriebell82 Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: Honestly it is about me and thats why I'm looking at this stuff. The fact that there seems to be pretty mixed feelings in response to my post is why I keep responding. I need to sort through this stuff and figure out if my instincts are off. The communication involved me asking what was up and him very firmly telling me to not go any further with the convo. So since I couldnt talk it out, I walked away. I also felt that it wasnt really my place at the time to push any further. But I had a sinking feeling in my gut when he was in there for that long and so quiet. I, ME, I need to figure out if my gut is steering me wrong. This particular situation hung on my heart. So if I run into that same feeling again in another situation, how should I proceed, knowing that Im both doing the right thing and not shooting myself in the foot. I'm really sorry your ex did not want to get into this discussion. It sounds to me though that these types of situations can be a HUGE trigger for you..which is what I was sort of trying to get at. Instead of focusing on your partner's behavior, focus on your trigger. When you are coming from a place of trauma your mind can often play tricks on you and you can have your radar so far UP that you can convince yourself you see abusive situations everywhere. This can be terribly confusing. Until you actually have proof that someone is being abused, you really have very little to go on here. When you have trauma, your gut can be wrong. Yes, it's possible! it can play tricks on you. Have you sought counseling for the trauma? I learned in my PTSD therapy to avoid situations that may trigger me and a variety of different coping skills to comfort me if I did in fact get triggered. This was extremely helpful and has improved my relationship with my boyfriend a lot! Edited August 31, 2021 by Lauriebell82
Author Classicfiction Posted September 1, 2021 Author Posted September 1, 2021 27 minutes ago, Lauriebell82 said: I'm really sorry your ex did not want to get into this discussion. It sounds to me though that these types of situations can be a HUGE trigger for you..which is what I was sort of trying to get at. Instead of focusing on your partner's behavior, focus on your trigger. When you are coming from a place of trauma your mind can often play tricks on you and you can have your radar so far UP that you can convince yourself you see abusive situations everywhere. This can be terribly confusing. Until you actually have proof that someone is being abused, you really have very little to go on here. When you have trauma, your gut can be wrong. Yes, it's possible! it can play tricks on you. Have you sought counseling for the trauma? I learned in my PTSD therapy to avoid situations that may trigger me and a variety of different coping skills to comfort me if I did in fact get triggered. This was extremely helpful and has improved my relationship with my boyfriend a lot! Hi, thank you for your reply. I have recently started therapy but haven't gotten to a place of trust with the therapist yet. Im really hoping it does help, because you are right, I am easily triggered by certain things. This topic of kids being possibly hurt or abused is one of them. I really want to get to a place where I can trust my gut enough to have a healthy relationship but right now it seems like a mountain looming in front of me that I need to climb.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 1, 2021 Posted September 1, 2021 (edited) 20 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Hi, thank you for your reply. I have recently started therapy but haven't gotten to a place of trust with the therapist yet. Im really hoping it does help, because you are right, I am easily triggered by certain things. This topic of kids being possibly hurt or abused is one of them. I really want to get to a place where I can trust my gut enough to have a healthy relationship but right now it seems like a mountain looming in front of me that I need to climb. Good for you. I am really glad you are getting help for yourself. Keep working at it and be patient with yourself. Child abuse is not as prevalent as it once was. With the help of early detection and mandated reporters like myself it's not going to be something you usually see in everyday life or even dating situations usually. Could it happen? Maybe. I believe the stronger and more faith you have it yourself though, the more confidence you will have in your choices in not only a partner, but the more confidence you will have in yourself. Good luck!!!! Edited September 1, 2021 by Lauriebell82 1
Author Classicfiction Posted September 6, 2021 Author Posted September 6, 2021 On 9/1/2021 at 3:37 PM, Lauriebell82 said: Good for you. I am really glad you are getting help for yourself. Keep working at it and be patient with yourself. Child abuse is not as prevalent as it once was. With the help of early detection and mandated reporters like myself it's not going to be something you usually see in everyday life or even dating situations usually. Could it happen? Maybe. I believe the stronger and more faith you have it yourself though, the more confidence you will have in your choices in not only a partner, but the more confidence you will have in yourself. Good luck!!!! Thank you. Yes, I do tend to second guess myself a lot. Maybe in that situation, there was just something that didn't work. Even if nothing was off between he and his child, it was off between he and I.
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