ttrain9 Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 Hi everyone, just venting and looking for a bit of advice. I'm a nurse living in a small town and staying in a communal living space. I met this girl there who I live and work with, became quite close with but didn't think about her other than a friend as she had a boyfriend. A few weeks ago she broke up with him and we became more close - and much more "touchy" and flirty with one another but I still felt a bit apprehensive as I've never been in this situation with a friend, let alone someone I work and live with. A few nights ago we were watching a movie together with friends and she was cuddling up to me. Everyone started going to bed but we stayed up for a little while longer together. Eventually she said she was going to go to sleep and I could come have a "slumber party" with her if I wanted to. We slept in her bed and were cuddling/holding hands, tickling each other but nothing else happened. I still felt apprehensive about making a move because of the work/living together situation. I had to fly home for a few days and she was messaging me constantly telling me she missed me, was looking forward to me coming back. But that night she got really drunk and had sex with a random guy at a bar which she really regret and I can't really hold this against her as we aren't dating. But the next day she was still messaging me saying she missed me, asking if I could come back earlier etc. The problem is, now I am back and she has gone completely cold on me out of nowhere. When I first saw her on my return, she half-smiled at me and walked away. She ignores me at work, is blunt with me at home and not flirty at all. She got drunk again the other night and stumbled into my room and was trying to cuddle up to me again, but I was completely confused and eventually asked her to leave as I was going to go to bed and would talk to her tomorrow. But now she is back to ignoring me again like she doesn't know me. I'm not sure how to approach this, any advice? TLDR; Slept with friend but didn't have sex, she still seemed interested in pursuing something and has suddenly gone cold
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 1 hour ago, ttrain9 said: she had a boyfriend. A few weeks ago she broke up with him This is your answer: she's newly-single, looking for some company and affection, but not at all ready for anything else. She is dealing with a break-up and looking for an temporary fix to make the ouchies go away, and that temporary fix is you. Steer clear. Be friendly and civil when you see her, but no more sleepovers. It will get too messy as she continues to blow hot and cold while she get over her ex. 2
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 The breakup has her feeling beat down, low self esteem, feeling undesirable, and emotionally lost. You not jumping her bones has her very confused. She's lost hope, drinks away her sorrows, sleeps with a guy to feel wanted/desired, but sober she knows she's a train wreck. I think she's a little embarrassed, and just needs time to work through all this stuff. You are right to have some apprehension. Now is not the time to start something romantic or you will end up as a rebound. IMO she just latched on to you as a life preserver. I say if you can find a moment, ask her if she is ok and maybe give this friend a much needed hug. Basically that's what she really needs. 3
Calmandfocused Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 Her behaviour is all over the place. And reflective of someone who has just come out of a relationship. She’s confused. She’s processing. Shes engaging in some very dysfunctional coping mechanisms (drinking, having casual hookups etc). You are a coping mechanism for her. You need to take a step back. Stop accepting her cuddles, her offers to share a bed etc. This isn’t helping her or you. in time she will recover then you can readdress this at a later time. Now is not a good time. 2
glows Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 Practice some self-restraint and give her more respect than that despite her emotional state. She's not dating material as she's just out of a relationship. You're running the risk of appearing like any old bloke, nothing special, who gets into her bed but offers nothing. If you think well of her, give her some space and take your time getting to know one another. Keep the physical aspect out of it. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 You offered comfort when she was down. Then she went out & tried to get under somebody else to get over her EX. Now she is avoiding you because you saw her dark secret -- she's an emotional mess right now who makes bad, promiscuous choices. She's decided to give you a wide birth. Let her. Act like everything is fine & none of this happened. Go back to being work colleagues. No cuddling or sleep-overs. Be nice but treat her with dignity & a lot of reserve. 1
FudgeSwirl Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 Like everybody else is saying, her mind is a bit of a mess as she processes her break-up with her ex. Some people cope by needing that physical touch and connection from someone, which in the end does more harm than good. As a concerned co-worker, you can ask her if she is okay because it sounds like she needs a friend but I would lay off being flirtatious or cuddly. You not being available as a rebound tool may prompt her to have more cold spells than warm spells to you but her behavior is not at all a reflection of you.
Miss Spider Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 (edited) She probably picked up some new guy she’s slamming atm .Can’t you tell she’s someone who just goes with whoever is there at the moment to distract her from feeling and being alone. Kind of like she did with you. Edited August 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2
Author ttrain9 Posted August 31, 2021 Author Posted August 31, 2021 Hey all thanks for the responses. I understand she is likely just using me for validation/attention/emotional support and what not. All this happened a few days ago and it was just last week I reflected on my "relationship" with her - having felt like I was in the "friendzone," I started to withdraw a little and then all of this new stuff happened. I just feel pretty vulnerable myself right now as I haven't had any intimacy in many months and haven't had much luck dating, it's hard to ignore the attention I get from her as well but she is not meeting my physical needs. I'm still a bit at a loss on how to approach this, last night I was less attentive towards her and hits me up again today saying she was really down because one of her patients died. I can't just completely ignore her without looking like a dick in the eyes of our friends and work colleagues
Miss Spider Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, ttrain9 said: . I just feel pretty vulnerable myself right now sorry that happened. I don’t know why girls treat guys like this. You seem so sweet. I want to hug you. Guys are so cute and sweet. Why would you want to hurt them. I just want to love them. Edited August 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 8 hours ago, ttrain9 said: last night I was less attentive towards her and hits me up again today saying she was really down because one of her patients died. I can't just completely ignore her without looking like a dick in the eyes of our friends and work colleagues You don't necessarily have to ignore her completely, but you can certainly keep your distance. She is rebounding and attempting to soothe herself with you. It's not fair to you.
d0nnivain Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 8 hours ago, ttrain9 said: I was less attentive towards her and hits me up again today saying she was really down because one of her patients died. I can't just completely ignore her without looking like a dick in the eyes of our friends and work colleagues You don't have to completely ignore her but you just can't get as close as you were. Do offer condolences for her parent's death. That may also explain the other guy she slept with. Sex can be life affirming in the immediate aftermath of a death. Just recognize that she is very broken right now & treat her gently but don't expect anything from her. I get that you are down but a steady diet of her will make that worse, not better.
Blind-Sided Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 She is in rebound mode. Don't try to date her, it will just end badly. Keep her as a friend, and help her move forward.
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 22 hours ago, ttrain9 said: A few weeks ago she broke up with him. I still felt apprehensive about making a move because of the work/living together situation. She got drunk again the other night and stumbled into my room and was trying to cuddle up to me again, but I was completely confused and eventually asked her to leave You're right to stay away from her. She's a hot mess. Add to the so many red flags such as being roommates, working together and her recent breakups and hookups with randoms. Steer clear. Bee friendly/polite at work, in the house but do not try to get lucky with her. Stop being her stuffed toy while she sorts through her breakup and plays the field.
Author ttrain9 Posted August 31, 2021 Author Posted August 31, 2021 Hey everyone I have another update. Ended up watching a movie with friends again and everyone left - just leaving us two together and I decided to gently confront her about the situation. I just asked her what happened with us last week and what was happening now - she just started laughing and "hid" under her blanket and told me to leave...didn't offer any explanation at all. I said I didn't mind if it meant nothing, because if I had a direct answer I could just move past it and we could just be platonic friends. She kept hiding and saying that she wasn't a talker...then I decided to just leave and asked her if she was going to give me any explanation at all, to which she just said "nope, goodnight". Wtf lol..
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 7 minutes ago, ttrain9 said: I decided to just leave and asked her if she was going to give me any explanation at all, to which she just said "nope, goodnight". Wtf lol.. Leave her alone. Stay out of her room. And stop trying to have sex with her. 1
mark clemson Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 (edited) Yeah, IMO she is running on "instinct" at this point and may not really know what she wants, but (for better or worse) it's not you. Respect this and her need to "process" the breakup in her own way and leave her alone. She hasn't been particularly fair to you IMO blowing off your conversation like that, but that's life. However, all she can really say is "I don't know what I want," "I want a break from partners for a while" or "I want <person X>". If she's embarrassed or whatever, it doesn't matter much because really it's going to be one of those possibilities, and since she doesn't want you it doesn't really matter which one is it. If you've "caught feels" for her, you may want to dial back the friendship part as well until you feel like you're over her. This can sometimes help smooth things out emotionally + you don't want to get into the habit of becoming an "orbiter". Next time you're invited into a woman's bed, consider "taking charge" a bit and initiating sex (IF she's up for that). Also, try to make the sex really good, which typically means lots of foreplay as women take longer to "warm up". That may make her see you in a different light. Won't necessarily lead to anything more, but it has a better chance IMO. You seem young, with the tickling etc, so I will add to ALWAYS practice safe sex. Edited August 31, 2021 by mark clemson
Miss Spider Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 1 hour ago, ttrain9 said: Hey everyone I have another update. Ended up watching a movie with friends again and everyone left - just leaving us two together and I decided to gently confront her about the situation. I just asked her what happened with us last week and what was happening now - she just started laughing and "hid" under her blanket and told me to leave...didn't offer any explanation at all. I said I didn't mind if it meant nothing, because if I had a direct answer I could just move past it and we could just be platonic friends. She kept hiding and saying that she wasn't a talker...then I decided to just leave and asked her if she was going to give me any explanation at all, to which she just said "nope, goodnight". Wtf lol.. She’s just being a flirt, tease, enjoying the fun and cuddles, but not feeling you that, sorry. Stop doing this to yourself and stay away from her . You don’t need that 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 56 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: She’s just being a flirt, tease, enjoying the fun and cuddles, but not feeling you that, sorry. Stop doing this to yourself and stay away from her . You don’t need that Yeah, exactly. She's not going to come right out and tell you it meant nothing, OP. She enjoyed it but isn't trying to date you. 1
skins33 Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 2 hours ago, ttrain9 said: Hey everyone I have another update. Ended up watching a movie with friends again and everyone left - just leaving us two together and I decided to gently confront her about the situation. I just asked her what happened with us last week and what was happening now - she just started laughing and "hid" under her blanket and told me to leave...didn't offer any explanation at all. I said I didn't mind if it meant nothing, because if I had a direct answer I could just move past it and we could just be platonic friends. She kept hiding and saying that she wasn't a talker...then I decided to just leave and asked her if she was going to give me any explanation at all, to which she just said "nope, goodnight". Wtf lol.. Hell no. There was where you had another "sleep over", instead of getting into serious discussion about things. Confrontation (which I like very much) in such a situation is not good. Not in speaking terms, anyways.
glows Posted August 31, 2021 Posted August 31, 2021 2 hours ago, ttrain9 said: Hey everyone I have another update. Ended up watching a movie with friends again and everyone left - just leaving us two together and I decided to gently confront her about the situation. I just asked her what happened with us last week and what was happening now - she just started laughing and "hid" under her blanket and told me to leave...didn't offer any explanation at all. I said I didn't mind if it meant nothing, because if I had a direct answer I could just move past it and we could just be platonic friends. She kept hiding and saying that she wasn't a talker...then I decided to just leave and asked her if she was going to give me any explanation at all, to which she just said "nope, goodnight". Wtf lol.. She doesn't have anything to tell you. What explanation are you looking for? She's emotionally unavailable and it started off as casual sex. She doesn't owe you anything. You can end this and actually heal from your previous break up instead of using this as a crutch to hobble along or a distraction. You need to move on properly.
OnlyHonesty Posted September 4, 2021 Posted September 4, 2021 On 8/31/2021 at 2:33 AM, ttrain9 said: Hey all thanks for the responses. I understand she is likely just using me for validation/attention/emotional support and what not. All this happened a few days ago and it was just last week I reflected on my "relationship" with her - having felt like I was in the "friendzone," I started to withdraw a little and then all of this new stuff happened. I just feel pretty vulnerable myself right now as I haven't had any intimacy in many months and haven't had much luck dating, it's hard to ignore the attention I get from her as well but she is not meeting my physical needs. I'm still a bit at a loss on how to approach this, last night I was less attentive towards her and hits me up again today saying she was really down because one of her patients died. I can't just completely ignore her without looking like a dick in the eyes of our friends and work colleagues Why are you playing the feminine role? Why are you inviting a train wreck that is promiscuous, confused, and lacking in boundaries...into your life? Ive said this before, but it looks like I need to say it again. Men need to stop putting up with crap, get some standards, get some boundaries and enforce them. Get this into your head. She held your hand, cuddled, and spent the night with you. You said your physical needs are not being met....but she 'met' another mans physical needs....one that she barely knows. But when you act in the way you have been acting, this does not create sexual tension or desire (not that doing so would be a good thing in this situation). The irony is if you had more self control, she'd have been all over you..but maybe it's good that she wasn't. She's a walking redflag.
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