LaxMom Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 Started seeing him in April. Hit it off right away, started seeing each other 2-3x a week. Met his family and friends, took my kids around him which I never do. He never wanted to talk about past relationships… mine or his. About 2 months ago, he told me he got out of a long distance 3 year relationship “a few” months before he met me. So he didn’t want anything official then. He said he didn’t expect us to get so close and it to get serious so quick. He said although he didn’t want to be official, I was making it very hard. Asked him what that meant, he said bc he likes me a lot. I said that’s fine, I will also see what else is out there. He said he didn’t want to know anything about me dating and “when I bang someone, ghost him”. Never saw any signs of other females at his house until 2 weeks ago when his house was spotless and there was long brown hair on the couch. Didn’t go back for a week, and didn’t notice anything different then. 2 nights ago, we had the best night. Hung out with his friends, then went to his house and he turned the tv off and said he was ready to talk about stuff with me. He said he doesn’t like when I text him less (like I was after I found the hair) bc it makes him wonder where I’m at and what I’m doing. I told him I care about him and I fell in love with him, and I’m being patient with his feelings. Had the best sex we’ve ever had, and went to bed pretty drunk. Woke up in the morning, and we were snuggling, hugging, holding hands and were about to have sex again. I sat on the side of the bed… and saw earrings that weren’t mine on the bed side table. My stomach sank and I felt sick. I told him they weren’t mine and he tried to dismiss it. Flat out asked him when was the last time someone was there? He said “2 weeks ago… you were mad at me!” I packed my stuff and left. Am I wrong bc we never said we were exclusive? I thought we were getting closer to being exclusive… and now for the first time in 4 months, I saw all the signs of someone else being there. I am just sad and upset and torn up over this. But I’m having people tell me 2 different ways I should be feeling… not upset bc we aren’t exclusive and upset bc I sleep there all the time, hang out with his friends, make food for him, clean for him, etc. Help!
Miss Spider Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Amysheaff said: there was long brown hair on the couch. Wow, this actually happens. I always thought this was just one of those things that ppl just made up. I am so befogged that a person would notice 1 single strand of hair and its color in a person’s entire house unless that chick was just shedding like o dog.. And then to conclude they’re banging someone else and not just they had someone over Anyway, you’re not wrong for dumping this guy. He’s a drop kick. He was just stringing you along and seeing other girls . Since you had much stronger feelings for him that would have probably ended worse for you. I’m sorry Edited August 29, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Stevnx3 Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 18 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Wow, this actually happens. I always thought this was just one of those things that ppl just made up. I am so befogged that a person would notice 1 single strand of hair and its color in a person’s entire house unless that chick was just shedding. And then to conclude they’re banging someone else and not just they had someone over Anyway, you’re not wrong for dumping this guy. He’s a drop kick. He was just stringing you along and seeing other girls and seeing as how you had much stronger feelings for him that would have probably ended worse for you. I’m sorry This is correct advise. Do not be strung along. He has no respect for you. 1
salparadise Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 There are two very different ways of looking at it. The usual advice on LS is don't assume you're exclusive if your partner has not agreed to it. In this case you sort of had the talk but the conclusion was that you were both still free agents with a sort of don't ask, don't tell understanding. I would also note that you can ask for sexual exclusivity without commitment or calling it a relationship. Sounds like to me that he may have had this woman lined up already when he brought it up. Personally, if I'm dating someone then I'll want exclusivity from the beginning. I can't stand the thought of being exposed to who knows what if they're getting around. The other thing is that I'm not going to invest myself emotionally in a multi-dater, so there's no point in continuing if that's what they want to do. I've had a few longish-term relationships since my D, and in both cases we were exclusive without needing to have the talk. It was understood and that was that. In one other case she didn't want to name it, but I told her she needed to tell me if she slept with anyone or intended to. I think you missed an opportunity by not telling him when he brought it up that if he intends to sleep with others, then you're out. He sort of finagled it such that he could go ahead sleep with her without technically crossing a red line, despite knowing that you'd be hurt if you found out.
Gaeta Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 (edited) I am sorry for your disappointment. The first clue was the hot & heavy start as well as keeping his last breakup a secret. These are signs of a man on the rebound. You have to end it with him. Doesn't matter you didn't have the exclusivity talk, with all the time spent together and family meeting, exclusivity was implicit. Edited August 29, 2021 by Gaeta
introverted1 Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 57 minutes ago, LaxMom said: He said he didn’t want to know anything about me dating and “when I bang someone, ghost him”. This was a huge clue to the fact that he was either "banging" other women, or open to doing so.
lonelyplanetmoon Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 40 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: He’s a drop kick. OMG that is hilarious and awesome. Saving it in my database lol. And hell yeah it applies to this case for sure. After 4 months of constant dating and intimacy you should be exclusive regardless of whether you had the convo or not. He is just a cheater. Don’t put up with that bs. He does not deserve one more second of your time. Delete and ghost him. Send him a message loud and clear.
Miss Spider Posted August 29, 2021 Posted August 29, 2021 You have a database of insults? I like you already
basil67 Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 Two weeks ago you were mad at him. Were you mad enough for him think that you may have decided to move on from him?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 You have the right to feel however you want to feel, OP. It's okay to be upset. But now you know more about where he really stands. He doesn't want to be official at this point, and was not long out of a relationship when you met. This, to me, sounds like a man who's not relationship material at this time. Who's right or wrong about being exclusive and thus sleeping with others isn't really even the point - what matters is that you now know for sure that he's just not invested the way you are. You and he are really not on the same page here, regardless of exclusivity status. He isn't behaving in the manner of a man who wants to be your exclusive boyfriend, so it's time to walk. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 11 hours ago, LaxMom said: , took my kids around him which I never do. He said he didn’t want to know anything about me dating and “when I bang someone, ghost him”. Sorry this is happening.He wants random hookups and you want a stable relationship. Cut your losses. He's not worth the headaches and heartaches. Unfortunately you'll need to get tested for STDs because he admitted to at least one incident of sleeping around. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.
Blind-Sided Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 I'm sorry this happened... but... you were not exclusive. And honestly... I think you overreacted. If you like the guy... you need to talk about being exclusive for your own well being. He may need to "Be Free"... but if you don't want to be with someone like that... then it puts you on different pages.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 18 hours ago, LaxMom said: Started seeing him in April. Hit it off right away, started seeing each other 2-3x a week. Met his family and friends, took my kids around him which I never do. He never wanted to talk about past relationships… mine or his. About 2 months ago, he told me he got out of a long distance 3 year relationship “a few” months before he met me. So he didn’t want anything official then. He said he didn’t expect us to get so close and it to get serious so quick. He said although he didn’t want to be official, I was making it very hard. Asked him what that meant, he said bc he likes me a lot. I said that’s fine, I will also see what else is out there. He said he didn’t want to know anything about me dating and “when I bang someone, ghost him”. Never saw any signs of other females at his house until 2 weeks ago when his house was spotless and there was long brown hair on the couch. Didn’t go back for a week, and didn’t notice anything different then. 2 nights ago, we had the best night. Hung out with his friends, then went to his house and he turned the tv off and said he was ready to talk about stuff with me. He said he doesn’t like when I text him less (like I was after I found the hair) bc it makes him wonder where I’m at and what I’m doing. I told him I care about him and I fell in love with him, and I’m being patient with his feelings. Had the best sex we’ve ever had, and went to bed pretty drunk. Woke up in the morning, and we were snuggling, hugging, holding hands and were about to have sex again. I sat on the side of the bed… and saw earrings that weren’t mine on the bed side table. My stomach sank and I felt sick. I told him they weren’t mine and he tried to dismiss it. Flat out asked him when was the last time someone was there? He said “2 weeks ago… you were mad at me!” I packed my stuff and left. Am I wrong bc we never said we were exclusive? I thought we were getting closer to being exclusive… and now for the first time in 4 months, I saw all the signs of someone else being there. I am just sad and upset and torn up over this. But I’m having people tell me 2 different ways I should be feeling… not upset bc we aren’t exclusive and upset bc I sleep there all the time, hang out with his friends, make food for him, clean for him, etc. Help! The first red flag was when he didn't tell you from the very beginning that he wasn't looking for anything serious. He waited a couple of months. When he did finally tell you two months ago that he didn't want anything official right now, that should have been your cue to walk away. You were likely already sleeping with him and emotionally attached. Another red flag is that he didn't want to discuss your past relationships, or his. While it's not a good idea to get into all the gory details of past relationships, someone who is open to something serious will at least want to know the basics to see what they might be getting themselves into. The fact that he wasn't curious means he KNEW already he wasn't going to be in a serious, long-term relationship with you. This is basically the same old song of a woman thinking she will be the magic person to change a man's mind. I've made this same mistake in the past. Please learn from this experience. 2
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 He tried to divert blame onto you the sly bugger. You know he was already having sex with someone else before you pulled back so his excuse is a pile of bs. And to dismiss the earrings? what a jerk! IMO even tho you were not exclusive, it would be a courtesy to be told they are dating others. I'm sure if you did have that conversation he would have lied anyways. You did the right thing to dump him and every reason to. Yes you did make a few mistakes. Should have taken his word for it that he didn't want anything serious, and ditched him. Even when they act all couply, doesn't mean they want to be seriously involved. Next time don't "assume" they are exclusive to you, or are serious. Do assume they are dating others until they have that conversation of exclusivity with you.
spiderowl Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 (edited) I don't think you did the wrong thing. The problem is, unless you and he agree to be exclusive, in theory he can date and sleep with anyone, and so can you. When you mentioned about looking around because he had indicated he didn't want it to be official, he didn't say 'no, please don't', he said ghost me if you sleep with anyone. He was non-committal about everything, literally. If he had wanted exclusivity, he could have asked for it; he didn't. All the stuff he has said seems airy-fairy to me, hints at you being special in some way but not special enough for him to take it to the logical conclusion and ask you to be his girlfriend. He's saying a load of nothing really. I think if you want a relationship with this guy, he is not going to offer one. He might be waiting for you to plead for one and then, who knows, he might be vague and let you plead or he might agree. I don't get the feeling he would agree. He would try to discourage you from being with others, because guys always want to feel in control, but it does not mean he would offer you exclusivity. This guy is not serious enough for you. If you stick with him, I suspect you will end up in 'No man's land' hoping for it to progress. You did the right thing by walking out. If you really want to be with him but in a proper, exclusive relationship, you need to stop the sex and make it clear if he contacts you that you are not prepared to be in a casual relationship with him. You'd also need to reduce contact dramatically so he knows the situation has changed. Up until now, you have seemed ok for your arrangement not to be named, but not ok about him seeing someone else. Once he knows the score, he can decide whether he wants a proper relationship with you. Having seen how he behaves up until now though, I don't think I would trust him. He seems a bit smarmy to me. Edited August 30, 2021 by spiderowl 1
IslandSanctuary Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 I remember this from an episode of ER. The male doctor: "I didn't know we were exclusive, we never had that conversation." Female nurse: walks out of his life forever. Lol. If you need to sleep around at the beginning, imagine 7 years down the track when everything is harder, tired and far less exciting.
glows Posted August 30, 2021 Posted August 30, 2021 He's emotionally unavailable so it's a dead end. You can learn from this and move on. 1
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