Absence of compliments

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This man makes your heart race. Be careful.

You are not the only poster who advised this Weezy, but along with "proceed with caution," would someone please explain how this is done when we are with someone who makes our heart race?

If you don't trust someone to the point you need to "be careful" or "proceed with caution," DON'T see them!  Don't date them.

I mean what's the point?  Who wants to date someone you have to "be careful" with?  Or proceed with caution?

Make no sense to me.

Gaeta, have you decided what you're gonna do?

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Fascinating thread. 

I had to think of this division between a "doer" and a "sayer." I actually need a sayer. I need a sayer that does! Everytime I dated someone who wasn't a sayer it turned out that that formulation was nonsense. They just weren't that into me.  They could meet up, make love, be nice, but they couldn't get themselves to spontaneously say good things. Well turned out they were ambivalent. And same for me. Anytime I was hesitant as a sayer, it was because I was ambivalent. 

So, I need someone who says good things and does good things. A doer would just drive me nuts. Plus, a big part of a relationship, to me, is having someone who is in your corner. And sometimes we need words when we're down or discouraged or unsure about ourselves. Now I know there are smooth talkers out there but if they don't follow through, we can simply dump them.

Words, we can all agree, are not enough. But in my book doing is not enough either. 

I need both. Or another way to say this is that words and deeds must match. In fact, that's a red flag for me: when words and deeds don't match. Almost always in my experience a mismatch of words and deeds signaled a problem, just took a little while for the problem to reveal itself. 

 

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I had to think of this division between a "doer" and a "sayer." I actually need a sayer. I need a sayer that does!

I need both. Or another way to say this is that words and deeds must match. In fact, that's a red flag for me: when words and deeds don't match. Almost always in my experience a mismatch of words and deeds signaled a problem, just took a little while for the problem to reveal itself. 

This is a great point!  Also keep in mind, in the context within which Gaeta presented this "doer v. sayer," he was walking towards her and in Gaeta's mind, his body language said that he thought she was beautiful, even though he never or very rarely said the words.

I don't get how this is "doing."  To me it's all about perception, how Gaeta perceived his body language as meaning he was enthralled and thought she was beautiful.  Which may have been true OR it may have been her own projection based on how she views herself and how she felt about him. 

Often times when we are really into someone, our mind can play tricks and we "see" what we want to see versus what's really there.

That's why we need the words to match what we're perceiving because without the words, that is all we have -- our own perception which may or may not be the actual reality for the other person (in this case, Romeo).

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You are not the only poster who advised this Weezy, but along with "proceed with caution," would someone please explain how this is done when we are with someone who makes our heart race?

That is the challenging part!

It's akin to saying, "look before you leap."

Even so, often these decisions really aren't made logically.

And we're not generally conscious of our own decision-making process.

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

That is the challenging part!

It's akin to saying, "look before you leap."

Even so, often these decisions really aren't made logically.

And we're not generally conscious of our own decision-making process.

IMO "look before you leap" (i.e. act without first considering the possible consequences or dangers) leads to game playing to avoid showing your hand and possibly getting hurt.

Again, I do not see the point.

It serves no purpose to date someone without leaping.  Just go ahead and leap (within reason).  Take a chance, take the risk.

If you distrust someone and/or perceive danger, then like I said, don't date that person.  Doing so makes no sense to me, serves no good purpose.

JMO and how I live my life.

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

…please explain how this is done when we are with someone who makes our heart race?

I mean what's the point?  Who wants to date someone you have to "be careful" with?  Or proceed with caution?

 

Being careful to me just means not jumping in too early. Most of the early infatuation/heart racing feelings have more to do with the story we we’re telling ourselves in our head, than the other person. We can lose ourselves in the story instead of staying rooted in reality. We ignore flags because those feel good hormones feel good and we don’t want them to stop. But they’re just meaningless feeling - certainly not indicative of any significance regarding compatibility.

 

Being careful just means let time do it’s thing. Wait until the honeymoon “butterflies” period is over before making any commitment type decisions. Usually at least 6 months but more realistically a year.

 

 

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This is a great point!  Also keep in mind, in the context within which Gaeta presented this "doer v. sayer," he was walking towards her and in Gaeta's mind, his body language said that he thought she was beautiful, even though he never or very rarely said the words.

I don't get how this is "doing."  To me it's all about perception, how Gaeta perceived his body language as meaning he was enthralled and thought she was beautiful.  Which may have been true OR it may have been her own projection based on how she views herself and how she felt about him. 

He did not give me compliments but he expressed often he missed me, was excited to see me, kept me in his thought, etc etc. Those are words of affirmation as well. As for being a sayer or a doer it's in a different context. My main love language, the way I feel the most loved, is act of service, that's what I call a doer, and he was good at that. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

If you don't trust someone to the point you need to "be careful" or "proceed with caution," DON'T see them!  Don't date them.

I mean what's the point?  Who wants to date someone you have to "be careful" with?  Or proceed with caution?

Make no sense to me.

The red flag has already been identified and  so in order to "proceed with caution" the red flag needs to be ignored which is generally a foolish thing to do. 

Red flags are there to warn us of danger. Ignore at your peril.

[Gaeta]

Other than this money incident his behavior toward me was irreproachable. After this incident he could have ghosted, he could have given me a slow fade, he could have breadcrumb me just enough for sex. He did not. He ended it with a message filled with kindness toward me. He did not have to do that if he was in my life to get money and it failed.

I cannot imagine he'd get back in touch with me to get money out of me. How could he possibly imagine asking again won't terminate our relationship? How could he think for a moment I am not on my guards.

Also, after the incident l did not breakup, if he had an evil plan as some of you think he could have continued dating me and work his magic another 2 months and try his luck again! That plan was more viable than breaking up, and starting over 6 weeks later after puting me on my guards.

I am not jumping into anything. I will go meet him, I will listen, I will see how I feel in that moment. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by Gaeta

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I cannot imagine he'd get back in touch with me to get money out of me.

You are not him.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He did not give me compliments but he expressed often he missed me, was excited to see me, kept me in his thought, etc etc. Those are words of affirmation as well. As for being a sayer or a doer it's in a different context. My main love language, the way I feel the most loved, is act of service, that's what I call a doer, and he was good at that. 

I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but he also dumped you after you refused to give him money, which is also him "doing."  

An action, a big one that spoke volumes!

I am confused why you insist on ignoring this glaring red flag.  It's like you are in denial or something, I am truly baffled by it.

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

You are not him.

Why the breakup, it doesn't make sense. If he was after my money it was in his interest to continue the relationship, he was already in, my guards were coming down. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but he also dumped you after you refused to give him money, which is also him "doing."  

Because it's an easy answer and not thought out. When you think about it, it make no sense.

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I cannot imagine he'd get back in touch with me to get money out of me. How could he possibly imagine asking again won't terminate our relationship? How could he think for a moment I am not on my guards.

Gaeta, you forget, you TOLD him that it was too soon to help him out financially, only 10 dates in.  That if you had been dating a year, it would be different and you would.  You flat out told him this!  I re-read your post stating that.

So, like I said, after thinking about it for six weeks and having no other viable options, he decided to get back in touch and will bide his time.

Treat you like a queen, get you invested KNOWING that in time, you will be open to helping him financially.  THAT is his agenda.  I don't see how it could be anything else.

JMO but NEVER tell man you would be open to giving him money at ANY point, that's just inviting him to take advantage of you and essentially use you.

Based on all this, I do not trust him and neither should you imho.

 

 

 

Edited October 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Because it's an easy answer and not thought out. When you think about it, it make no sense.

I'm sorry what makes no sense?  That he dumped you after you refused to give him money?  What doesn't make sense about it?  I'm confused.

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why the breakup, it doesn't make sense. If he was after my money it was in his interest to continue the relationship, he was already in, my guards were coming down. 

He did not want to wait.  He figured he'd get back out there and try his hand on other ladies.  Ladies more desperate and vulnerable, more willing to help him out financially.  And not wait a year.

After 6 weeks, he realized you were his best option even if he had to wait a year or so for you to become more invested and trust to develop.

--------

Oh I don't know!!  This all sounds incredibly crazy, like a script for another Dirty John series!!  LOL

Go meet him Gaeta and play it out.  Use your best judgment.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Edited October 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh I don't know!!  This all sounds incredibly crazy, like a script for another Dirty John series!!  LOL

Go meet him Gaeta and play it out.  Use your best judgment.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Haha, give a try to Longmire on Netflix.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

JMO and how I live my life.

 

That's great, if it works for you!

[Tullyseptember]

It's just a walk! No commitment to go any further if Gaeta does not feel it's right for her!! 

I agree it's very prudent to guard against users and abusers.  I also think Gaeta has her sensors up for any bullcrap that could potentially occur from anyone who might try something unsavory with her. 

Honestly, in reading Gaeta I don't get the sense at all that she's going to show up for that walk in a wedding dress with her banking information ready to pass over to this guy!!

 

 

 

[CUP OF TEA]

If someone could flake like that and leave with no warning whatsoever - like trying to talk things out - I would never trust them to not do the same thing again.

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, Tullyseptember said:

Honestly, in reading Gaeta I don't get the sense at all that she's going to show up for that walk in a wedding dress with her banking information ready to pass over to this guy!!

Huh?  No one suggested she would.  Not sure where that comment even came from. 

She asked our opinions, we gave them. She is free to ignore. 

And sorry, but a walk with someone you were/are extremely attracted to and had hot sex with for six weeks, is very rarely "just a walk."

Enjoy Gaeta, let us know. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No, l only met perv guy once.

The point is that you initially blocked him despite numerous warnings, then proceeded to give him the benefit of the doubt, only to be mistreated further.

You're now considering giving "Romeo" the same benefit of the doubt.

I'm not sure why you continue to waste your time entertaining these prospects when their conduct toward you are anything from respectable.

[Wiseman2]

Aren't there any fresh new viable options on the horizon?  Why recycle all these men?

Perhaps it's time to get off the same old dating apps and start with a fresh new profile on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics.

When you see the same old tired faces and profiles over and over for months, it's a red flag that everyone keeps tossing them back or they can't sustain a relationship.

Up your game. Take some chances on more well put together men.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not sure why you continue to waste your time entertaining these prospects when their conduct toward you are anything from respectable.

I guess in the absence of better prospects.
 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

The point is that you initially blocked him despite numerous warnings, then proceeded to give him the benefit of the doubt, 

My point is : my process may be different but l always figure it out.  I have a lot of first meetings, l see men once or twice but did you notice l never enter a relationship with them if it doesn't feel 100% genuine?