Absence of compliments

[vla1120]

If you do go on the walk with him, and especially if you decide to continue any type of relationship with him, I would make it very clear that any financial help of any kind (in either direction) is out of the question. You won't expect financial help from him, and you are not prepared to offer financial help to him. With that stipulation, I think you'll find out his true intentions fairly quickly.

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Where you got that?

I don't like restaurants, I don't drink alcohol. I like a compliment once in a while but I don't need them, this thread started exactly about that. 

Wha?  I'm totally confused.  This thread was created because he never complimented you and you posted you need that!  That compliments are important to you. 

I just read your very first post again to confirm that. 

You also posted how he essentially wined and dined on you on your first date and how it made you feel like a princess or something like that. 

If not him, then it was another man, there have been a few so I may be mixed up about that. 

Anyway G, don't wish to argue, I have said my piece, just my opinion. 

You are going to.meet him, so again I wish you luck. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Agree.

To the point where you, OP, considered dating that obnoxious man straight after.

But l didn't.

[Gaeta]

On 8/30/2021 at 11:32 AM, Gaeta said:

No, I don't need to be showered with compliments. In the love language test it's my 3rd need at 23% so it's far from being vital to me. 

@poppyfields see above

[Gaeta]

On 8/29/2021 at 1:06 PM, Gaeta said:

I'm reminded through this thread that he is expressive of his interest and attraction in other ways. 

Yesterday l was walking toward him and the expression on his face was worth a thousand words. I thought to myself why doesn't he just say "you look very nice" ...it seem simple to me but i'm capable of appreciating his body language without the words.

If l have to pick between a doer and sayer, l take the doer.

And this one ....

[elaine567]

On 8/30/2021 at 9:17 PM, Gaeta said:

Saturday we spent the day together and I felt a shift during the day. At some point he was talking about his income tax debt and that he didn't want to pay interest so he borrowed money from his siblings and he now owes his siblings. Then he said 'maybe you can help me too'. I said if we had been together for a year or more I would but I could not do that after only knowing him for 6 weeks. He then said he was joking and that was not a real request. From there the 'connection' was broken. Yesterday he did not initiate contact as he usually does and today I got that broke up text.

Lest you forget...

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

What if it was really a joke? a bad one, at a very bad timing.  He did not ask me money directly, it was some turn of a phrase. I'm confused ! I think I embarrassed him at the time. Is it so far fetched it's something like that?

 

Oh, Gaeta! Out of all people, why him? It' like you want to see good in people but some people don't deserve your goodness. You gave a guy with zero filters when it comes to sexual talk a chance and now this winner again. Maybe go out with a teacher if he is still available. 

 I understand, you may have not much luck in on-line dating so you may be inclined to believe that he wasn't that bad after all. Believe me I have none either so I can relate. But you cannot step into the same river twice. Ask yourself, would you be able to trust  him? This is a guy who:

1. Asked you for the money. Ok, Ok,  that was bad enough.
2.  But he also dumped you the next day after you said no.

Before even thinking about getting back with him, these two points would need to be addressed. What leads him to believe that you would give him money and what makes him think that you would take him back again after he dumped you. And what would happen again if at some point in the future you say no to him again. How he is going to deal with that.  Also, in the future when he is going to need to slay some dragons, would he keep you by his side while dealing with what life threw at him or would he get rid of you just because he thinks that you "deserve better."  That is a question. 

 No, it wasn't really a joke. He knew exactly what he was asking. I'll tell you as an example. I had a coffee date on Sunday. After we walked to the parking lot, my so-called date asked me if he could come to my place. I told him no, of course not. He told me that he was just joking, he didn't mean it. Right, lol. Another guy what I've been texting with for the last couple of days asked me if I would come to a date with him without wearing the underware. I usually would block clowns like that but I was in a bad mood so I blasted him for asking me such a thing. He also told me that he was just kidding. See, neither of them asked me for the sex directly. But did they hinted me for sex? You betcha. Both of them knew exactly what they were asking, just like your Romeo knew.

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

If you go back a bit in this thread you'll see he was married to a doctor and got used to a life of abondance. Who wouldn't. He'll adjust and be fine. 

Or maybe he won't. He is used to a life of abundance. That summarizes him correctly. He is used to a wealth and is seeking a female who can provide him with that wealth that he is accustomed to.  Don't know about you but I would feel uneasy knowing that a guy got used to living off his wife's money. And more than fine for him to be sponging off her when they divorced. Or even thinking that there is nothing wrong asking her for a lump-sum in a divorce settlement. I mean, it was her hard earned money, not his.  It is all different in the eye of the law of course but still. That would tell me that he has no problem using women for their money. A golddigger. But if let's say you didn't have a good job and didn't make a good money, would he ever ask you out or date you at all? If you were pumping gas for a living, would he look at you then? P.S. Nothing wrong with pumping gas for a living, I am just trying to make my point.  Guess it could be said for both genders.

Edited October 19, 2021 by Alvi

[elaine567]

No-one sensible would consider asking for money was a joke.
Joke = funny ha ha
What is funny about asking for money?
There is nothing funny about that.
Like Alvi said it is basically a cheeky request and when turned down they say they were only kidding to save face...
 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And this one ....

Oh boy.

Yes that does seem quite lovely BUT given the fact he dumped you immediately after you refused to give him money, I think you should consider the possibility it was all an act.

Otherwise known as doing the "right" things to get you invested before he hits you up for money.  . 

Please watch "Dirty John, Season 1."

True story.  NOT even simply based on factual events, but the true factual events. 

Or at least Google and read about the woman's story.  Beautiful, successful woman in her 50s falls for gorgeous younger man who turned out to be a sociopath. 

Made it his life's mission to scamming financially well-off beautiful lonely women for thousand of dollars. 

And he was so gorgeous, so charming, he succeeded! 

It did not end well to say the least. 

Please read her story before you go.  That's all I ask G, as a friend who cares. 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, Alvi said:

 I would feel uneasy knowing that a guy got used to living off his wife's money. And more than fine for him to be sponging off her when they divorced. Or even thinking that there is nothing wrong asking her for a lump-sum in a divorce settlement. I mean, it was her hard earned money, not his.  

First he has a university education and has always worked. Not many careers equal the salary of a doctor. Of course he enjoyed the life style she provided, you would not? But being married to a doctor has its price, l know my brother's wife is an ER doctor and he's practically raising their 2 toddlers on his own and still work 40 hours a week. This guy did all that, raised their kids while she lived in the ER.  It's ok for a wealthy man to give a sum to the mother of his children to settle down but not the other way around!? C'mon. 

[Alvi]

52 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

First he has a university education and has always worked. Not many careers equal the salary of a doctor. Of course he enjoyed the life style she provided, you would not? But being married to a doctor has its price, l know my brother's wife is an ER doctor and he's practically raising their 2 toddlers on his own and still work 40 hours a week. This guy did all that, raised their kids while she lived in the ER.  It's ok for a wealthy man to give a sum to the mother of his children to settle down but not the other way around!? C'mon. 

Like I said in my post, it goes for both genders. All I am saying is that it would make me think twice about dating a guy who took a big chunk of his ex-wife's money in a divorce settlement. If he has a good job himself and is super educated, so why does he needs to take her money? He can sure earn his own way. Maybe not as much but it's not like he would be totally without a dollar to buy a loaf of bread. I don't think that a very attractive quality in a person, regardless of a gender. Guessing guys should not overlook such about a woman that they are dating either. If someone if a housewife or a househusband without any income, yeah, that might be different. But if both of them were working, no, no way.  That's the problem, he enjoyed the lifestyle that he didn't earn himself. I earn a good money myself but my ex fiance was in a totally different realm when it came to money. He was earning a lot more than I ever would. But to be honest, him trying to splurge his money on me made me very uneasy.  I told him straight off not to give me any expensive gifts. Or to take me on any expensive trips. He would pay if I let him but I didn't want to. The most expensive gift that he ever gave me was a $120 pair of earrings for my birthday. And even than I told him many times that it wasn't necessary. We even ended up having a fight about it. I paid my own way and thinking back, no, didn't get used to his lifestyle. And when we broke off, I had zero problem living in the lifestyle that I was accustomed to. But again, whom am I to say what is fair or not.

But let's forget about his ex. Whatever done is done and over with. This is not about her, this is about you.  I guess a bigger problem is that he expected you to provide him with the lifestyle that he got accustomed to.  That is what you need to figure out how to forgive and forget and to navigate around.  Please ask yourself if he would be interested in you at all if you had a low paying job before giving him a chance yet again. On top of that he dumped you. Not cool at all.

Anyway, be very careful about that one Gaeta. Hope I am wrong about your Romeo.  But better be on a cautious side. 
All the best to you!

Edited October 19, 2021 by Alvi

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Anyway, be very careful about that one Gaeta. 

There is no "being careful" here.  G is all in and intends to go for it, that is quite clear, at least imo.  And nothing we say will change that, she has a plausible justification (in her mind) for all of it.

G, this man has waved a GIANT red flag right in front of your face, and you are choosing to ignore.  

Don't know how long it will take, but like with your ex, eventually you are going to get hurt by this man, and possibly scammed out of a lot of money.  May take years but it will happen.  I am not psychic (or maybe I am a little) and I have this incredibly strong vibe that screams danger.

He has already warned you (by dumping after you refused to give him money), so whatever happens is on you.

If you go back, I can almost guarantee he will view you as a woman who doesn't value herself highly which gives him justification to behave disingenuously.

You are his meal ticket, just as his ex was.

Again please read the "Dirty John" story or watch the series if you have time.   The man in that story was educated, he posed as a doctor himself for many years, an anesthesiologist.  He had an advanced nursing degree..  He was of above-average intelligence.

He married Debra after only 6 weeks.   That's how "good" he was at scamming.  She fell for him hook, line and sinker.  And he scammed her, big time, he manipulated her and lived off her money. 

They met on line.  That is how he met ALL the women he either attempted to scam or scammed.

It got quite ugly resulting in near death for one of her daughters.

Romeo may have even watched it himself or read the story; it was a very popular podcast and series.

 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@Alvi: I understand what you're saying but it's different with dating and being married with children. He did not take a chunk of her money. The amount was pocket money for her. She did not have to get rid of her fancy house and luxurious cars. His paycheck went toward the household as well even if it was not comparable to hers.

I always go back to my brother because I see how it is in the inside. My brother is highly educated financial advisor. On his own he'd have a good life but never to the level his wife is providing. Now his wife does not want to live in a 500K house that my brother could afford, she wants that million dollar house, she wants to travel around Europe each year, she wants her children to wear designer clothes. What is my brother to do? fight with her so she buys clothes at walmart? They settled the matter, if she wants all that fancy life style she will have to provide it because he cannot. She does not resent him, she understands it is what it is if she wants him as a companion and father of his children. 

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

He married Debra after only 6 weeks.   That's how "good" he was at scamming.  She fell for him hook, line and sinker.  And he scammed her, big time, he manipulated her and lived off her money. 

You know I wouldn't do that right? I'm not the impulsive type, it's even hard for me to be 'spontaneous' because I am always on the defensive. 

It's just a walk. I doubt he wants a relationship, I think he will offer to casually date with no expectation (because of his many unsolved issues), casual it's not my cup of tea. 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's just a walk. I doubt he wants a relationship, I think he will offer to casually date with no expectation (because of his many unsolved issues), casual it's not my cup of tea. 

I think he has a different agenda Gaeta.  Just my take.  But go on the walk and play it out. I know it's what you want to do, so I support your decision.

If me, I would not no matter intoxicating the chemistry

Why? 

A man asking for money so early in  =    A man dumping me immediately after refusing to give him money =  

Please keep us posted!

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

A man asking for money so early in  =    A man dumping me immediately after refusing to give him money =  

Please keep us posted!

I will make sure to mention to him that it's how I've perceived what happened. 

I don't feel like going anymore. 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I will make sure to mention to him that it's how I've perceived what happened. 

I don't feel like going anymore. 

How else could it be perceived though?  

Anyway, you know he will attempt to give you a plausible justification but this is where your experience and smarts come into play.

There is no other way something like that could be perceived to make it okay. 

He would have to be a complete moron (or believe you to be) for him to believe that and think you would buy it.

G, you are beautiful, intelligent, successful, you don't need to settle for this, it should be a dealbreaker.

I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, but you know what?  Sometimes there just is no doubt.  It's clear as day what's happening.

I am glad you are reconsidering.

 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[hajk]

@Gaeta check out this podcast about the Dirty John guy and Debra Newell that @poppyfields mentioned above.

Escaping Dirty John: Debra Newell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4heIYffqoSg

Edited October 19, 2021 by hajk

[FMW]

I try to be fair about stupid things people say or do, but I don't  think he was joking when he said maybe you could help him too. 

Ending it the next day might have been from embarrassment at bringing up financial help, and/or feeling overwhelmed (possibly why he asked for help).  Or as others have said, it could gave been because he didn't want to spend any more time on it if you weren't willing to provide "help".  I don't know why he's back now, but I wouldn't let that make you doubt the validity of your original concerns.

If you want to give him another try just keep your eyes and ears wide open.  Honestly I would probably feel a little icky about him bringing it up, even on the slim chance it was some weird joke, and would have lost all interest. 

But only you have actually met and talked to him.  

Edited October 19, 2021 by FMW

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

But l didn't.

You did go on a few dates with him, I thought.

Any who, I think Alvi's post summed it up nicely.

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

Oh, Gaeta! Out of all people, why him? It' like you want to see good in people but some people don't deserve your goodness. You gave a guy with zero filters when it comes to sexual talk a chance and now this winner again. Maybe go out with a teacher if he is still available. 

 

 

[princessaurora]

@Gaeta, I wish you well but am surprised you jumped at the opportunity to see this man again after he jokingly asked you for money and then dropped you the next day. You tend to be one of the most level headed people on this board who always tells it like it is so your recent behavior has me stunned.  I know you're having a rough time since your long term boy friend betrayed you, but do not allow that to lower your standards. There's a better man out there for you if you just have a little patience. This guy didn't contact you for 6 weeks and now wants to take a walk by the river with you?  He must have a real way with words to pull you back into his vortex. I do not have a good feeling about him at all. Please be careful. 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He’ll adjust and be fine. 

 

There’s no way you can know this.
 

@Gaeta we often hear from people fearful of settling for a partner they’re not super attracted to. The other side of this coin, and way more common, is people ignoring obvious flags and falling for  unsuitable people because they’re very attracted to them. This man makes your heart race. Be careful.

Edited October 19, 2021 by Weezy1973

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

You did go on a few dates with him, I thought.

No, l only met perv guy once.

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

@Gaeta, You tend to be one of the most level headed people on this board who always tells it like it is so your recent behavior has me stunned.  I know you're having a rough time since your long term boy friend betrayed you,

Thank you. 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

There’s no way you can know this.
 

@Gaeta  This man makes your heart race. Be careful.

Yes he does.....but my feet are still on the ground. Thank you.