Absence of compliments

[bene]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have only met men to date when I searched for men to date. Going about my life, doing my own thing, has never brought men to cross my path. Maybe my interest are too girly.

The same for me, in my twenties I went out a lot but rarely met any serious prospects “organically”. Probably I did a number of things wrong but long story short, I started going on dates with several interesting guys only after I got into search mode in OLD and put my mind to it. I wanted to find a partner and I had to go on dates, as simple as that. 

Fun fact, I even met my husband with whom we have several common acquaintances through OLD. Not once did our paths cross naturally… 

[clia]

You could definitely end up meeting someone while sitting at a bar having dinner, but I concur with FMW that the best way is through interests and hobbies.  I don't know if Meetup is big near you, but around me there are tons of Meetup groups that organize get togethers -- dining, hiking, urban exploring, board games, sports, happy hour, basically anything you can think of.  They are a great way to meet people -- both men and women -- that might work to expand your social circle and lead to dates.  I would also suggest getting involved in a sports league of some kind -- e.g., golf, tennis, curling, bowling, pickleball, etc.  Many of these -- golf, most definitely --- are predominantly men. 

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Sadly, I think ES is correct.  I read other forums, some men's forums, and many men (not all obviously) do form negative opinions/ judgments about women who on line date.  

Yes unfortunately I agree with that and the rest of your post. Not all men but a big % of men address women online with less respect compared to how they'd addressed them in a face to face interaction. I have tons of men on my block list to support that. Then again, men that have approached me in public over the years didn't show a high level of respect either. That being said I have met a few men online that were total gentlemen and took pride in living their life with integrity/honesty but we did not match for various reasons.

[Happy Lemming]

Why not try both...  Take a two prong approach to the task. 

One night... scour the on-line dating profile database and the next go somewhere in public and put yourself out there.

Like @clia suggested... co-ed sports, food festivals, art walks, museum events, etc.

OK, try this... go into google or your favorite search engine on your computer and type "Thinks to do + [your town/city]" and see what events, etc. pop up.

In my area there is still a "rag" local newspaper that lists all the different events going on for the weekend, general information, the cost, etc.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then again, men that have approached me in public over the years didn't show a high level of respect either.

Yeah, agree.  Men who have cold approached without my giving a "green light" FIRST (like a smile), same.  And I typically don't engage those men.

But when you make the effort to give them a window, a green light, it makes a difference.

You are doing the choosing, the "seducing" in a way, covertly versus overtly. 

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

. co-ed sports, food festivals, art walks, museum events, etc.

OK, try this... go into google or your favorite search engine on your computer and type "Thinks to do + [your town/city]" and see what events, etc. pop up.

In my area there is still a "rag" local newspaper that lists all the different events going on for the weekend, general information, the cost, etc.

I'm not trying to find excuses but I've done all that. Everything inside requires a mask. I looked up gym, swimming pools, Tai chi classes and places are very limited because of covid, we have to reserve ahead and we will be 3 or 4 at a time in the swimming pool, Tai Chi courses are given online. Restaurants don't sound too bad but if I have to do that every week I'll be obese and on cholesterol medicine by the time I find a man  

 

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 Everything inside requires a mask.

 

My bad... I keep forgetting you are in Canada.  Here (in the US), things are a little different.

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 Restaurants don't sound too bad but if I have to do that every week I'll be obese and on cholesterol medicine by the time I find a man  

 

They don't serve salads in Canada??

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

They don't serve salads in Canada??

Of course lol. 

 I will try the restaurant BUT I don't really want to go to a fancy restaurant where escorts look for men with money,  I'm thinking a sports Grill, what you think?

[Happy Lemming]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 I'm thinking a sports Grill, what you think?

Sports Grill is 100% perfect...  I've met quite a few women talking about sports, etc. at local pubs/bars.

I remember one instance where a woman (at a sports bar) asked me if I was drinking tar... I said "No, it was Guinness"  She knew what I was drinking, but was looking for a way to start a conversation with me.  Long story... short, we ended up dating for a while.  It all started with her "thinking on her feet" and coming up with a way to start a conversation with me. 

It's OK to talk to men about what ever is happening around you or what is on the TV screen. If you find a guy attractive and he doesn't initiate a conversation, you can.  There is always something to make use (to start a conversation), bad referee call, local team missing playoffs, coach needs to be fired, owner is idiot and all manner of subjects.  You can educate yourself a bit by reading on-line articles about local teams and what is happening with them.  A little research goes a long way!!

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, I'd just like to add that I recall two times I did what Happy Lemming suggested above. 

Except it wasn't intentional, as in my going to the sports bar myself, to watch sports to meet men.

I had ordered food for take-out, it wasn't ready so I had to sit at the bar and wait.  

I did NOT initiate any conversations myself, about the game or anything else, I felt desperate doing that. 

It seemed contrived, trying too hard.

That wasn't my reason for going anyway, I was genuinely there to pick up my food order.

Anyway, both times I sat there quietly waiting for my order to be ready, and both times I had men approach.  One man I got to talking to, actually he was with a group and the entire group had engaged me in convo!  The guy took my number and called and we dated for a couple of months!

The second time, the guy and I had a nice chat, but I wasn't interested (I had a boyfriend at the time).

So another suggestion, and maybe something you would be more comfortable doing rather than walking into a crowded sports bar surrounded by men drinking beer and watching sports and engaging one of them in convo, is ordering food for take out, and arriving early so you have to wait.

Dress nicely, but casually.  Not too much makeup, for me just a little blush and gloss.  You're just picking up food after all!   I actually get approached more often when I am NOT all dolled up.  When I look natural and casual.  Trust me, men will approach you, but you must be open to it.  Don't sit there stone faced, you have to make an effort!!    

I can't even imagine doing what your friend suggested, getting all dolled up and going to clubs.   I'd feel like a hooker doing that, not my style and I don't think it's your style either.

 

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

On 8/30/2021 at 2:01 PM, Gaeta said:

He just broke up with me...

RECAP:

This thread was about Romeo. We dated 6 weeks, saw each other about  11-12 times. I was on cloud 9 while I dated this man. Then one day he suggested that maybe I could help with his debts, I said I cannot do that after 6 weeks dating, he said it was a joke (probably to save face) the following day he sent me a long text saying he had thought about it hard and that he has too many problems to date and he needs to concentrate on solving them. (short version)

UPDATE:

He contacted me today, after 6 weeks. In short his message said that he moved close to his children, life is not perfect but it's getting easier. By his new place there is a river that he takes walks along and he's been thinking about me on those walks. He asked if I'd like to go walk with him sometime this week and he listed me his free evenings this week. I picked Wednesday. 

My heart is racing! I really liked what we had together! I don't know what this is about. I hope he's not going to tell me again I'm a great woman and the right man will come along because I will push him in the river!

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

RECAP:

This thread was about Romeo. We dated 6 weeks, saw each other about  11-12 times. I was on cloud 9 while I dated this man. Then one day he suggested that maybe I could help with his debts, I said I cannot do that after 6 weeks dating, he said it was a joke (probably to save face) the following day he sent me a long text saying he had thought about it hard and that he has too many problems to date and he needs to concentrate on solving them. (short version)

UPDATE:

He contacted me today, after 6 weeks. In short his message said that he moved close to his children, life is not perfect but it's getting easier. By his new place there is a river that he takes walks along and he's been thinking about me on those walks. He asked if I'd like to go walk with him sometime this week and he listed me his free evenings this week. I picked Wednesday. 

My heart is racing! I really liked what we had together! I don't know what this is about. I hope he's not going to tell me again I'm a great woman and the right man will come along because I will push him in the river!

Gaeta, if me I would take the walk, hear what he has to say, and use your best judgment (intuition) as to whether you think he's scamming or not.

I recall you told him that if you had been dating a year or so, you would consider helping him out financially.  Keep in mind, he may have remembered that, figured he would continue seeing you, having hot sex with you, and then after more time, and a deeper trust, hit you up for money.

I have no idea what his agenda is, but try to keep a clear head and don't get swept up in the "sweet talk" and hot sex, because those things can cloud your judgment.

 

 

[CUP OF TEA]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

RECAP:

This thread was about Romeo. We dated 6 weeks, saw each other about  11-12 times. I was on cloud 9 while I dated this man. Then one day he suggested that maybe I could help with his debts, I said I cannot do that after 6 weeks dating, he said it was a joke (probably to save face) the following day he sent me a long text saying he had thought about it hard and that he has too many problems to date and he needs to concentrate on solving them. (short version)

UPDATE:

He contacted me today, after 6 weeks. In short his message said that he moved close to his children, life is not perfect but it's getting easier. By his new place there is a river that he takes walks along and he's been thinking about me on those walks. He asked if I'd like to go walk with him sometime this week and he listed me his free evenings this week. I picked Wednesday. 

My heart is racing! I really liked what we had together! I don't know what this is about. I hope he's not going to tell me again I'm a great woman and the right man will come along because I will push him in the river!

I would ask him right up front if his financial situation has improved and what has he done to solve it and that in no way, shape, or form would I lend money to a man. That way if he's looking for a future mark for money he will be clear that door is closed and you won't waste your time on a scammer. 

[Alpacalia]

I'd advise caution.

If you can get past the notion that he ended things with you because you declined to lend him money, go for it.

I'm curious as to what else he could have ended your relationship over.

You also stated that he told you that "you are a wonderful woman and that the right man will come along."

So, someday, maybe the right guy will come along, and you won't have to demonstrate your worth because he will recognize it.

 

[elaine567]

The man tried to scam you out of money and when you said no, HE ended it. Having no further use for you.
What is his game now I wonder? 
Because no doubt he has one.

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, CUP OF TEA said:

I would ask him right up front if his financial situation has improved and what has he done to solve it and that in no way, shape, or form would I lend money to a man. That way if he's looking for a future mark for money he will be clear that door is closed and you won't waste your time on a scammer. 

What l'm seeing he is taking actions and he's not wasting time. He gave me his new address and l can see he moved out of his expensive neighborhood. This summer he spoke about temporarely taking a second job, maybe sell a piece of land he has, he was also up for a promotion. 

He knows l'm not lending money, l think he got embarassed enough last time and he won't ask again. 

If you go back a bit in this thread you'll see he was married to a doctor and got used to a life of abondance. Who wouldn't. He'll adjust and be fine. 

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The man tried to scam you out of money and when you said no, HE ended it. Having no further use for you.
What is his game now I wonder? 
Because no doubt he has one.

I think his game is he will bide his time until you are more invested and then hit you up for money then.   

Again G you told him it was too soon to feel comfortable giving him money. That  you need more trust.

Not a very smart thing to say because now he KNOWS you're open to it once you feel trust has been developed.

So he will bide his time, reaping the sexual benefits, say and do all the "right" tthings, until you are fully invested and then hit you up for money.. 

Can almost guarantee it! 

I think you want to believe he is genuine because your ego took a real hit when he suddenly dropped you.

But no man who actually gave a * would ever do that because a woman refused to give him money.  Not gonna happen! 

I think you know that too but you are now rationalizing, justifying because you liked him, he's hot, you had great sex and you are lonely.

HE knows this too, he's no dope. 

Yes he is used to a certain lifestyle with his ex.

You fit the bill beautifully as you are also quite well off financially.

Tell him you just went bankrupt and need to sell your home and assets and see if he sticks around. 

I think we all know the answer to that. 

After rethinking this G, I'd take a pass.  In fact rather shocked you are not but good luck. 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The man tried to scam you out of money and when you said no, HE ended it. Having no further use for you.
What is his game now I wonder? 
Because no doubt he has one.

I’m quoting Elaine for emphasis. 
 

Gaeta the bottom line is he dumped you when you didn’t lend him money. When you refused to do something he wanted you to do. There is no other reason why he ended the relationship. 
 

I’ll take your word for it that he won’t ask to borrow money again (I’m not convinced btw). However on the assumption that you are correct,  what about the next time he wants you to do something for him that compromises you? Are you going to do it to please him? 
 

I urge you to proceed with caution and pay less heed to how he makes you feel. How you feel about him just makes it easier for him to manipulate you. 
 

Your feelings do not implicate that he is a good partner for you. 
 

Personally I think you can do better. I’m not convinced his intentions towards you are good. 
 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[Tullyseptember]

Gaeta from reading your posts I gather you are an exceptional judge of character as well as knowing yourself and what you want. I have no doubt that any person attempting something on you will get a swift kick to the curb!

There is the possibility that there is no end game here with this man. Only you know exactly how he asked you about the money and helping him. When meeting up with him tomorrow I'm certain you will know very quickly if he is being authentic. 

I also wouldn't lie and say you are bankrupt, you already did the right thing by letting him know you weren't lending him money and he doesn't need to know anything about your finances. 

People make mistakes and if this is one that can be worked through, great. I have read how you handle yourself in dating and If he proves to be a mistake, without a doubt he will be gone from your life Pronto, hopefully not in the river

Edited October 19, 2021 by Tullyseptember

[Gaeta]

What if it was really a joke? a bad one, at a very bad timing.  He did not ask me money directly, it was some turn of a phrase. I'm confused ! I think I embarrassed him at the time. Is it so far fetched it's something like that?

 

[Calmandfocused]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What if it was really a joke? a bad one, at a very bad timing.  He did not ask me money directly, it was some turn of a phrase. I'm confused ! I think I embarrassed him at the time. Is it so far fetched it's something like that?

 

A joke? 
 

Have you ever heard the expression; “There is many a true word said in jest”? 

He wasn’t joking, he was testing the waters. 
 

Awfully convenient that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship with you the same day after he asked you for money don’t you think? 

 

[Foxhall]

Sounds like you are in love, which is nice, trust your gut to give him the benefit of the doubt

Yes just be careful he does not have significant gambling debts or something, 

 

 

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What if it was really a joke? a bad one, at a very bad timing.  He did not ask me money directly, it was some turn of a phrase. I'm confused ! I think I embarrassed him at the time. Is it so far fetched it's something like that?

 

This is called rationalizing and justifying poor behavior.  There may be another word for it but can't think of it now.

G, with respect you did the same thing with your (imo) sociopathic ex.  You shuffled many things that would alarm most under the rug. 

You fully admit to being strongly influenced by the Disney fantasy.  Prince Charming sweeping his princess off her feet.

As such you are susceptible to compliments, being wined and dined, etc.  You have admitted it and posted about it. 

HE knows this too.  

I don't know if there is such a thing as "proceed with caution."  

Not when we are truly into someone as you were with this man, and might be again if not already. 

On Wednesday he may say and do all the "right" things and you end up in his bed again.  If he has an agenda, which I personally believe he does, he will continue saying and doing all the "right" things.  That's how sociopathic people operate. 

Anyway, you've been warned, by him!  When he dumped you for not giving him money.  That may be the biggest warning there is. And it was NOT a joke, I cannot believe you're entertaining that idea.

I'll be honest, I'm getting really bad vibes here G.  Really bad.

I don't trust him, I'm sorry. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

As such you are susceptible to compliments, being wined and dined, etc.  You have admitted it and posted about it. 

Where you got that?

I don't like restaurants, I don't drink alcohol. I like a compliment once in a while but I don't need them, this thread started exactly about that. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I think you know that too but you are now rationalizing, justifying because you liked him, he's hot, you had great sex and you are lonely.

Agree.

To the point where you, OP, considered dating that obnoxious man straight after.

Neither of these individuals are good for you.