Absence of compliments

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why are you complaining about a lack of compliments??  Are you looking for an excuse to get out of this new relationship.  It seems like this new guy's work schedule doesn't afford him the time to date/take you out on a regular basis, maybe its not the compliments you desire, but more "in person" contact??

It's not really a complain, it's a realization l'm making and questionning how important it is to me, l've never dated a man that was quiet on compliments, it's new territory, but as "act of service" is how l feel the most loved and appreciated l may be ok. I took the love language test and receiving compliments come in 3rd place at 23% important to me.

No l'm not looking for an excuse to exit this relatioship. 

We see each other in person twice a week. We spent yesterday together. The face time is ok for now.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Give him more time. It's still early. Through acts of service does he show you that you are appreciated?

Yes very much. I feel appreciated, and that l have meaning to him. He did tell me in words l have meaning to him. 

[glows]

The death of compliments is likely because you were used to compliments prior albeit possibly empty ones as your ex and you didn't get along. That might add some perspective also and the feeling of something missing especially if you were used to a certain dynamic. You're still deciding how important this is so I'd take it slowly with a grain of salt. FMW had a good comment on the previous page about the general overall picture you get, what's the combination of joys/emotions/feelings that come from your time spent together. I'd always consider the overall rather than one particular issue. You may also be adjusting your lens and how you view or perceive yourself through others without verbal compliments and how you view your partner without verbal compliments even though you're both secure in yourselves and each other.

[lana-banana]

6 weeks just seems way, way too early to be worried about this. I don't think there's anything wrong with mentioning that you happen to like compliments, but if he's finding other ways to show he appreciates you then I wouldn't worry about it.

[Weezy1973]

Would you be fine if he rarely or never gave a compliment, but everything else is great? Nobody is designed to perfectly meet our every need. He’s trying his best to be happy, as are you. If he’s happier as a doer rather than a sayer why would you want him to change?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I took that route. 

1st time:  he replied *haha stop flattering me*

2nd time: you really think I'm handsome?

He may not have much self confidence and isn't used to compliments.  Probably his parents never praised him.  

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Would you be fine if he rarely or never gave a compliment, but everything else is great? Nobody is designed to perfectly meet our every need. He’s trying his best to be happy, as are you. If he’s happier as a doer rather than a sayer why would you want him to change?

I'm reminded through this thread that he is expressive of his interest and attraction in other ways. 

Yesterday l was walking toward him and the expression on his face was worth a thousand words. I thought to myself why doesn't he just say "you look very nice" ...it seem simple to me but i'm capable of appreciating his body language without the words.

If l have to pick between a doer and sayer, l take the doer.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Compliments show respect and are a fundamental building block of intimacy. Compliments show your partner that you appreciate them, see the awesome things they do, and recognize the good in them. This builds connection and helps your partner feel like they are seen, noticed, and loved.

So I've been dating a new man for 6 weeks. So far he's pretty awesome. He gives me a lot of attention between dates, he tries to be helpful anyway he can, he's considerate, empathetic, never forgets a thing I said, focuses on what I like and the list goes on. 

He told me at the very beginning he's not very good at expressing his feelings, he's more the type to show it with actions. I didn't think it meant I would never hear a compliment again 

My male friend tells me I have to point that to him gently. What you think?

Thank you, 

Please listen to me…..

 

im like him.

 

Its rare Id give complements. I do it when I feel it, not because I have to. I show my love in different ways.

 

I don’t like doing things like thus because Ihave to.  I hate Valentine’s Day.  I have no problem sending flowers but not when it’s expected

 

i don’t like doing things I want to do when it can be perceived as doing this in response to a prior act.

 

you can tell him this. You can’t change it ( assuming he isn’t a 23 yrold )

[Lotsgoingon]

A real dilemma. 

Every time I've dated a woman who didn't give me gratuitous, random, out-of-nowhere compliments, it turned out that woman wasn't that into me. Now maybe this is one where the gender roles make a difference. Maybe some guys can be totally into women without giving random compliments. Maybe. I'm not sure.

First question: can you really get used to this? And I'm not sure the mature answer is "yes." Go with the real answer.

Second question is, are there other ways he is emotionally distant that show up in the relationship? I think his reticence is a form of emotional distance. Now the opposite is not necessarily true: giving compliments does not mean you are sincere and a wonderful partner.  

Is this guy shy? Does he have many friends? I mean, there's a danger here that you're dating a handyman. Someone who fixes things---great. But many people reasonably want more than that out of a relationship. 

So here is maybe what I'm getting at: do you have romantic moments with him? Moments where you're sitting around, you touch each other, gaze into each other's eyes, and you feel butterflies. Does his lack of compliments mean you have no butterflies? 

[Gaeta]

@Lotsgoingon

First question: can you really get used to this? 

I do not know yet how I feel about it. 

Second question is, are there other ways he is emotionally distant that show up in the relationship?

I am not sensing he's emotionally distant, actually he opens up more than I do. 

Is this guy shy? Does he have many friends?

 He is a bit timid and he told me so on our first contacts. Yes he has a few friends. 

I mean, there's a danger here that you're dating a handyman. 

I like my man to be handy but I need him to be more than that. I need someone intelligent, well informed, that can carry interesting conversations, he has all that, he speaks 4 languages, has a high education, lived/worked on 4 continents. 

do you have romantic moments with him? Moments where you're sitting around, you touch each other, gaze into each other's eyes, and you feel butterflies.

Absolutely, everytime we're together.

Does his lack of compliments mean you have no butterflies? 

No, it just means I'm noticing he's not giving the usual compliments. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Well, given your answers, I'm thinking the best move would be to keep going and check in with yourself. And at some point you do need to bring this up. And no, it's no, don't get caught in the trap of "If I mention I want compliments then it won't be the same when I get a compliment."

No, we don't think that way about sexual positions, about cleanliness standards, about anything other thing. The point is he can connect with himself and give you compliments when you're not expecting them. So what that you mentioned this? Down the line there will be things that he asks for of you as well. 

Here's the thing: this guy sounds great in so many ways. He'll be able to respond to a gentle expression of a desire to be complimented. He doesn't live on the moon. Likely he is aware that many women appreciate that--and guys as well! 

 

[chillii]

 

Yeah most def' , l'd think you should in time and yeah just in a easy way bc you don't want him feeling he has to or trying to. It should be natural if someones into you in all the right ways and you just liking to hear things is perfectly natural too. With this stuff in particular he might not even realize he doesn't or maybe there are reasons but whichever way it is , for sure yeah mention it

l'd hate not hearing things hearing things is feeling things and l'd be suspicious if l didn't . It's not only just a really nice and naturally loving and admiration thing but it's also feedback and just tells you lots of things too. My woman is beautiful passionate and expressive about anything and everything goods or bads , just love that about her. No stone ever goes unturned haha.

Edited August 29, 2021 by chillii

[FudgeSwirl]

Some people just aren't forward with compliments aloud even though they probably think good things about people they know in their heads and what's great about him is that he brought this up about himself.   In spite of this, he may put more effort going forward.   If not, if you pay him compliments he might be triggered to express the ones in his head that he has for you.  Based on your description of him, he seems like a good guy so I hope the relationship continues to go very well!

[Lotsgoingon]

Just thinking aloud here: him giving you compliments could be quite liberating for HIM!

So in time when you can tell me how much you enjoy compliments, that could set him on a journey that helps him. BTW: that may be the way to do it: just put out there, "I really like compliments." Without any unhappy aftertaste. That tells him about you, and it allows him the chance to play the hero by doing more of what makes you happy. 

Expressing your desire allows him to choose to act. Very different than being criticized for not doing something for you (which reminds guys of their mothers). 

Sounds like you're feeling pretty good at this @Gaeta!

[chillii]

 

Totally agree. Or he may well even be holding back for whatever reason but would love to comment. Bring it up you might be very very pleasantly surprised. Funny , my ex w never said much of anything in 22 yrs unless l brought it up. And even stranger in that she was the sort of personality that could talk a post out of the bloody ground normally. So l'd have to say so what do you think of this or that baby , after being left wondering for mths , some things a few yrs.But she'd then real off some incredible words or compliment, she'd thought the whole time, but just never ever said a damn thing. lt was just one of those areas that just seemed to escape her.  Hopefully he's not stuck in those ways the way she always was.

Edited August 30, 2021 by chillii

[Calmandfocused]

Hi Gaeta. 
 

Yes your ex was very forthcoming in compliments but he also was very disingenuous with his behaviour and intention behind your back. 
 

Likewise I have been showered with compliments. Spoken to like I’m the most amazing individual on the planet …  only for that said individual to devalue every ounce of my being in the next breath. 
 

Im only telling you this as it goes back to that cliche; “actions speak louder than words” 

The fact this man is treating you well is the best compliment he could give you. 

[Wiseman2]

If you like and respect him and he treats you well, try not to find fault with the one relatively superficial thing he doesn't do right.

Maybe it's time to reflect if you actually like him because basically, he seems like a decent guy.

[Blind-Sided]

There are a lot of good points in this thread... Pro and Con.   But it's pretty easy... you need the complements... and he isn't doing it.  Asking him will make it disingenuous.  So... it's time to break it off.  And... before you say... "It may not be that big of deal".... it obviously is, since you are here making a thread about it, and watching it closely.

IMHO... I would rather be with someone who does things for me, over being with someone who showers me with complements all the time.   The classic "Smooth Talker" comes to mind in this.  The smooth talker is buttering you up to get personal gain... whereas the guy doing things for you isn't.   

And finally... you fishing for complements could backfire anyway.  I've known too many girls who were needy, and it honestly gets tiering trying to keep them happy... and eventually the words are just that... words. 

Just my 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 

[Allupinnit]

Sometimes men have to be told what we need.  But I agree with the other poster that at 6 weeks it's most likely too soon to be having conversations like that.

My H is a horrible texter during work hours, I try not to bother him but I did tell him that I feel ignored when he doesn't respond - now he does. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sure he finds you very attractive, but that may not be the only thing that's important to him.

Unless you're experiencing a disconnect somewhere else. Then you'll have to figure out what's causing the disconnect.

Maybe it's coming from you, maybe it's not.

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, chillii said:

 Or he may well even be holding back for whatever reason but would love to comment. 

Yes, now I'm thinking he may be holding back. He is opening up, I have to pay attention to what he says. Yesterday he asked me when I tell people I'm dating a muslim man do they tell me to be careful? And I answered honestly, I said yes they do BUT I'm not easily influenced and I make my own judgement call. Then he said his only fear concerning us is that he'll eventually say something that I will file in the 'muslim box' and dismiss him without further discussion. Soooo, I was a bit out of words and said on a light tone when we get to our first misunderstanding I will file it under 'clueless man' and we will talk about it. He said he was glad to hear that. 

He's waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, only time can fix that for us. 

[chillii]

Yeah l've been thinking along those lines, and time will fix if all pans out. To enjoy a few nice things said and expressed is not expecting much , not like your looking to be love bombed. Sometimes words are like letting down guards that just need time and trust.

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by chillii

[elaine567]

I think compliments are often actually lies.
Not nasty lies but lies that are used to oil the wheels of a relationship.
People tend to like compliments and that reflects well on the person giving out the compliments too.
 As there is a lying component involved then honest people may not want to give a lot of compliments.
Am I surprised that your lying cheating ex was an expert at giving compliments?
Um... no..

[poppyfields]

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I took that route. 

1st time:  he replied *haha stop flattering me*

2nd time: you really think I'm handsome?

No one has mentioned this^^ but his response to your compliments is quite telling imo, and not in a good way

It reflects insecurity and lack if confidence, a discomfort with himself about his own appearance and perhaps other things.  His race perhaps? Muslim? 

I mean who responds that way when the person you are dating and having sexual relations with expresses physical attraction? 

A very insecure person and/or a person who doesn't place value on physical attraction themselves.  They are dating you for other reasons.

So if he is questioning your physical attraction to him by asking "do you really think I'm handsome?" it's possible his for you isn't all that high, hence why he doesn't ever compliment you.  

Just something to consider. 

G, I think it's strange he has NEVER complimented you.  I know men who are not huge complimenters, but never? 

Especially in these early stages and you are having sexual relations?

I find that's odd.

It's not just about actions, it's both. 

Actions and words. Verbal expression IS important, and if me, I would not dismiss this, shuffle under rug, rationalize or justify.

You did that with your ex, not about compliments, but other things. Like not wishing to spend holidays together and needing to stay at his on some Saturday nights. For example. 

Please don't do that here.   

Follow your feelings about this, let them guide you. 

Relationships should be inspiring, motivating, uplifting!

And already after only six weeks, you are questioning something of value to you, and my sense is it does not make you feel good, nor uplifted and inspired, otherwise you would not have created this thread.

And you're twisting yourself around trying to convince yourself it's OK when it's not. 

And it's OK to not be okay with this. It's a major need he is not meeting -   feeling physically sexy, beautiful and validated. 

That's the bottom line imo, don't settle, you ARE too beautiful a person for that, inside and out.

 

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

it's possible his for you isn't all that high, hence why he doesn't ever compliment you.  

*gulp*