Absence of compliments

[Allupinnit]

@NuevoYorkoI didn't mean to offend by that comment, I probably should have phrased it differently.  I'm just going by what I see IRL and on here and it seems absolutely crazy to have to deal with so much trauma in order to find a partner online.  I get why people feel it is the easiest option when being social is harder as we age.

I'm in my 40's, if that makes a difference.

Edited October 22, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Happy Lemming]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 I am not adding to my busy life a boyfriend that doesn't drive

Many years ago, I made the mistake of dating a woman that didn't have a car.  Our dates turned into "running errands", it was a complete pain.

No joke... one evening I picked her up for dinner and she had a "few errands" to take care of before dinner.  Those errands lasted 2.5 hours.  The evening turned into a complete mess and I told her that I was done being a "taxi" service.

His requests will start out innocent enough... On the way to dinner he'll say something like, "Oh can we stop off at this store, I need to run in and return something, it will only take me a minute" and it will continue on from there.

My opinion... NEXT!!

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, balletomane said:

 I've noticed in the USA there seems to be a very big emphasis on driving as a mark of adulthood, but that's not necessarily the case elsewhere. 

And manhood. I cannot imagine myself constantly driving a man. Maybe it's my generation.

I don't know how people can get by with no car. Just the amount of groceries l have to carry each week justifies having a car.

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, balletomane said:

I didn't have a licence until last week, and I'm in my mid-thirties. My partner still doesn't have one. He is very committed to cycling and using public transport for environmental reasons, and until recently I lived in a city where car ownership is more trouble than it's worth. I wasn't about to pour money and my limited free time into lessons when I had no plans to get a car. I've noticed in the USA there seems to be a very big emphasis on driving as a mark of adulthood, but that's not necessarily the case elsewhere. I wouldn't start getting suspicious of people because they don't have driving licences.

I wasn't referring to car ownership, I did not own a car when I lived in Manhatten.  I posted that. 

I was talking about obtaining a driver's license, for identification, for if/when you ever need to rent a car to take a trip, whatever. 

What did you use for ID?  Buying liquor, etc. 

I suppose you obtained a personal ID card which is fine. 

Anyway, its fine, I just thought it a bit odd at first, that's all.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

I'm just going by what I see IRL and on here and it seems absolutely crazy to have to deal with so much trauma in order to find a partner online. 

There’s no trauma. Gaeta isn’t traumatized by this. Any sort of “trauma”comes from unrealistic expectations. And finding partners through online dating is the new normal. As per:

https://news.stanford.edu/2019/08/21/online-dating-popular-way-u-s-couples-meet/
 

Edited October 22, 2021 by Weezy1973

[clia]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am dropping kiddo to her tutoring. I have 2 free hours. I am open to any suggestions ....WHERE do I go to meet available men?? 

You might get lucky and meet a man anywhere -- a coffee shop, a pub, the grocery store, the library, etc.  But it's hit or miss.  Maybe find a nearby pub that you like and go there once a week, sit at the bar and have dinner.  I always see single men sitting at the pub eating dinner.  Get to know the bartender, make yourself a regular.  Go on a night that has trivia, if that interests you.  

But I think the best way to meet someone is by simply expanding your social circle.  This doesn't happen overnight.  Find something you enjoy doing and join a group or club or league that does that.  Make yourself a regular.  Meet people.  Make friends.  You might meet someone there, or someone you meet might know someone who is a great match for you, or you might get invited to a party or event where you meet the right guy.  Given the amount of dates you've gone on from OLD, it doesn't seem like that method is really working for you.  Frankly, it sounds absolutely exhausting to me.  But that seems like your comfort zone; you might have better luck by stepping out of your comfort zone.  Here are a few options:

• Get involved in a sport.  Golf and curling are both heavily male dominant.  Take lessons, join a club, join a league.  For curling, look up when your local club(s) do a "learn to curl."  Tennis or pickleball might be other options.  If you haven't tried any of these sports recently, get out of your comfort zone and go do it.  I golfed as a teenager and hated it; now, I love it.  I didn't think I would like curling at all, but I absolutely love it.  Just try.      
• Local interest groups.  You can probably find these through your local city, local businesses (e.g., wine shops sometimes have wine groups), or even on Facebook.  Walking groups, hiking groups, dinner groups, wine groups, book clubs, trivia, etc.  I found when I moved that there are tons of people out there who are looking to meet others, and lots of groups have been formed with that purpose in mind -- you just have to find them and go.  
• Volunteering.  Maybe something like Habitat for Humanity, where you show up and work with a group of people, or get involved at your local art museum, zoo, other nonprofit, etc.  
• Classes.  Look at adult education or community type classes in a fun area that interests you -- cooking, painting, woodworking, whatever. 
• Join a gym.

The options are really endless as far as meeting people in person.  

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

 I'm just going by what I see IRL and on here and it seems absolutely crazy to have to deal with so much trauma in order to find a partner online. 

I have 2 brothers who are married and never did online. They are absolutely horrified at my stories and can't imagine ever being on single's market nowadays. My 3rd brother met his wife and mother of his children online, he's not horrified at my stories, him & his wife are pretty entertained by them because they've been there. 

 

Edited October 22, 2021 by Gaeta

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

@NuevoYorkoI didn't mean to offend by that comment, I probably should have phrased it differently.  I'm just going by what I see IRL and on here and it seems absolutely crazy to have to deal with so much trauma in order to find a partner online.  I get why people feel it is the easiest option when being social is harder as we age.

Well ... a lot of people on a  site such as this one have challenges with relationships. We don't tend to join when things are going swimmingly.  Many have a "bad picker" which leads them into unsuitable situations repeatedly.  This would be the essential problem, not OLD.

I feel like the OP (OP, excuse me for mentioning you in the 3rd person) has a "picker" that leads her astray and if this were to get better, her dating prospects both online and off get better too.

When we're in our 20's, and into the 30's,  most of us are more free-wheeling.  I think hormones have a lot to do with it.  Even if we're not feeling horny or whatever, there is a drive to socialize and mix with a lot of other young people and interact in a flirtatious way with the opposite sex / potential partners.  Lots of us were comfortable with casual sex when younger and that creates an atmosphere.

That naturally subsides for many people, including myself, as we get older.  The drive to connect with others is diminished.  We tend to be looking for relationships in a more deliberate way.  It's normal. 

Also aw we age we hopefully know ourselves better.  Honestly I can't imagine putting myself in an environment where I would never want to go otherwise in the hopes of meeting a woman.  If I were in a bar or club, I would be such a fish out of water that I would behave in an unnatural way.  I rarely "cold approach," either.  I know for a fact that MANY women are not open to being approached while they're going about their business.  It's just not me.  

On the other hand, going out of one's comfort zone is good.  Just start with something that honestly at least piques your interest.  Meet-ups are super.  At least you can participate with others who are interested in what you like.  There's a good chance that there will be others in a similar situation at meet-ups, too. 

 

[FMW]

I've posted about this before, at the end of my marriage I went out to a local music venue one night, by myself.  I'm lucky to live in a city with a long history of great musicians and lots of venues to go to enjoy them.

I continued going and over time met a lot of people.  My closest friends now and the guy I'm involved with all came into my life that way.  We all share a great love of music and over time found out we had other things in common as well.

If you can find something that brings you enjoyment and puts you in settings with other people, you might be surprised how easy it is to meet someone who might be a great match or who ends up introducing you to someone who is.

Figure out what fits into your schedule (if you have time to go on dates with men you've met online, you have time to go somewhere else).  When you're doing something you enjoy without being only focused on meeting someone, there's nothing forced or uncomfortable about it.

[Gaeta]

I just got a text from Romeo that BLEW my mind ! 

He said the other night when I left and told him I could not be friends with him because I still had lingering feelings, he was shocked. I had never done or say anything to let him know I was growing feelings for him and it's wrong! He went on with when we have feelings  for someone and they're struggling we usually try to help them. That when I told him I didn't know him long enough and it would take a good 2 years of dating he was shocked and he took it as I was not someone he could ever count on. He understands we have different philosophy on the money but I did not even ask if there was another way I could help him. He ended it with he's sorry for writing all this but he needed to do that to get it out of his head.

Just wow!

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I just got a text from Romeo that BLEW my mind ! 

He said the other night when I left and told him I could not be friends with him because I still had lingering feelings, he was shocked. I had never done or say anything to let him know I was growing feelings for him and it's wrong! He went on with when we have feelings  for someone and they're struggling we usually try to help them. That when I told him I didn't know him long enough and it would take a good 2 years of dating he was shocked and he took it as I was not someone he could ever count on. He understands we have different philosophy on the money but I did not even ask if there was another way I could help him. He ended it with he's sorry for writing all this but he needed to do that to get it out of his head.

Just wow!

Good gawd, just block the dude.  Like I said earlier, he's just not right in the head, an mental/emotional chip missing or something.  

He apparently just doesn't get it, had he forgotten you had only been dating six weeks?

Self-absorbed beyond belief, it's ALL about him and what you (and others) can do for HIM.

Sorry G.  

 

Edited October 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Veronica73]

Good lord. I will say these OLD stories are amusing, but as somebody who is starting to think maybe I’m ready to start dating again…..the whole OLD thing sounds demoralizing and not a terribly enjoyable way to spend my limited amount of time! Ugh. Also…I feel like there is some truth to the idea that the large majority of desirable people are taken. And I don’t mean that as a slam…I mean…I’m single myself….but in my circle of friends and people I work with….I only know 3 single people. Everybody else is in committed relationships and have been together for 10+ years.

Also….as to dating someone who doesn’t drive…I did that once and it got old fast. But to be fair, this guy was visually impaired and so he couldn’t legally drive. But I got pretty sick of feeling like I was his chauffeur. I dated him for 3 years. And that’s not why we broke up, but it was a drag. And we lived in a city with public transportation anc multiple cab services.

[hajk]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He went on with when we have feelings  for someone and they're struggling we usually try to help them. That when I told him I didn't know him long enough and it would take a good 2 years of dating he was shocked and he took it as I was not someone he could ever count on. He understands we have different philosophy on the money but I did not even ask if there was another way I could help him.

@Gaeta so he is blaming you for not helping him with money or resources after 6 weeks dating?  Sounds like he is a user or actually a scammer really.  Good ridden. 

[CUP OF TEA]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I just got a text from Romeo that BLEW my mind ! 

He said the other night when I left and told him I could not be friends with him because I still had lingering feelings, he was shocked. I had never done or say anything to let him know I was growing feelings for him and it's wrong! He went on with when we have feelings  for someone and they're struggling we usually try to help them. That when I told him I didn't know him long enough and it would take a good 2 years of dating he was shocked and he took it as I was not someone he could ever count on. He understands we have different philosophy on the money but I did not even ask if there was another way I could help him. He ended it with he's sorry for writing all this but he needed to do that to get it out of his head.

Just wow!

Why haven't you blocked him yet? He's just messing with your mind. He sounds like a gaslighting narcissist. 

[hajk]

@Gaeta I think he was actually a scammer and was reeling you in and making you fell in love the first 6 weeks dating.  He is now starting to show the real him, a scammer, asking for help with money and resources.  Good that you walked away.  Onwards and upwards! 

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

Why haven't you blocked him yet? He's just messing with your mind. He sounds like a gaslighting narcissist. 

He is now. I had deleted him, never thought he'd contact me again.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He went on with when we have feelings  for someone and they're struggling we usually try to help them.

So he is trying to guilt trip you about not hiving him any money. Oh good grief.

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That when I told him I didn't know him long enough and it would take a good 2 years of dating he was shocked and he took it as I was not someone he could ever count on.

So, he thought that asking for money from the person you've only been dating for 6 weeks is perfectly normal. 

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He understands we have different philosophy on the money but I did not even ask if there was another way I could help him.

But he never gave any chance to ask him anything. He dumped you.

 

Please DO block him. Continue blocking him is he ever contacts you again.

 

Edited October 23, 2021 by Alvi

[Veronica73]

So….does this situation in any way make you give a little more credence to other people’s opinions of your suitors? (It seems like most people here had *pretty* bad vibes from him after he practically asked for money, and then dumped you after you said no.)

Edit: not trying to be like “told you so” but am genuinely curious. 

Edited October 23, 2021 by Veronica73

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

So….does this situation in any way make you give a little more credence to other people’s opinions of your suitors? (It seems like most people here had *pretty* bad vibes from him after he practically asked for money, and then dumped you after you said no.)

Edit: not trying to be like “told you so” but am genuinely curious. 

Yes you were right about him.  Yes most times LS is right. I'm in the situation directly so my process takes a little more time then people who are not directly involved.

[Veronica73]

It makes me think if I ever get back into dating I might want to document the process on here as well. I’m wayyyy too prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

It makes me think if I ever get back into dating I might want to document the process on here as well. I’m wayyyy too prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

I find it useful. I had men from the past contacting me after 5+ years. I came on here to check my history and reading all about them again kept me from investing in them again.

[Calmandfocused]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I just got a text from Romeo that BLEW my mind ! 

He said the other night when I left and told him I could not be friends with him because I still had lingering feelings, he was shocked. I had never done or say anything to let him know I was growing feelings for him and it's wrong! He went on with when we have feelings  for someone and they're struggling we usually try to help them. That when I told him I didn't know him long enough and it would take a good 2 years of dating he was shocked and he took it as I was not someone he could ever count on. He understands we have different philosophy on the money but I did not even ask if there was another way I could help him. He ended it with he's sorry for writing all this but he needed to do that to get it out of his head.

Just wow!

This is brilliant  

Gaeta this was a last ditch attempt to get money out of you. To make you feel guilty so you’d cough up your well earned cash. 
 

This man is a joke. If it was me I would have responded; “Feelings aside it’s your job to financially support yourself, not mine”. 
 

I’d then delete and block. What a loser! 

[Happy Lemming]

@Gaeta Any updates??  Have you gone out with any prospects??

[Gaeta]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

@Gaeta Any updates??  Have you gone out with any prospects??

Hello there, I had 2 prospects this week, both suggested meeting this weekend but they didn't put into actions their verbal suggestions so I blocked them both this morning. I have been really really fast on the block button lately. 

There was this one guy we hit it off real good, I liked his personality, his witt, his talents and last  minute he told me he doesn't drive, never did. I dropped him instantly, now I kind of regret, but realistically, I'm afraid his funny wouldn't suffice after a while driving him around. 

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

...but realistically, I'm afraid his funny wouldn't suffice after a while driving him around. 

Yes... I would agree.  You would quickly get tired of being his "taxi" service.