Absence of compliments

[Allupinnit]

20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’d say mid 30s to late 40s are likely the toughest for women. Once you get past the age where men are still considering having kids things even out again.

Are you a woman?

Because I know a few women who are trying to date online over 50 and it's dismal at best.  I'm sure there ARE some nice guys out there but they most likely aren't online because they have no problems meeting women in real life.

I'm married but it would take and act of God for me to date online if something were to happen to my H.  Just reading the stories on this site makes me feel so depressed for you all who are sifting through the leftovers online.  IMHO the majority don't have their lives together and when it gets REAL they claim "well maybe I'm not ready for blah blah" when in reality they're just looking for the "perfect" person who they think is one lucky swipe away.  I can't imagine going through YEARS and YEARS of that.

But I'm a cynic when it comes to romance and "chemistry".  While it can be fun and intoxicating I find that people make the worst decisions when they're drunk on that feeling.  Just because someone gives you butterflies means absolutely nothing, in fact, for me it was a red flag when someone was amping my anxiety like that.   

I find that a lot of women here feel they're settling if they don't have that temporary feeling and it's simply not true if you want something real and substantial.

[chillii]

Well , if the men online are leftovers with no life , then that would mean the women are too and can't get a date in RL either then, right. Not the case for either. As we get older life changes in big ways there are dozens of reasons why somebody might be trying online.

Back in the day l was online for a short stint , it was very very obvious why so many of the women had been online for so long , but it wasn't all and you just didn't bother with those they were easily spotted and l'd be saying same for men. But there were also some very special and genuine women on it too that for whatever reason , just like me as a guy at the time decided to give it a try. There'll be men like that too, l was. lt's just an outlet to try if you are single , nobodies holding a gun to your head, your still out living life too.

Edited October 21, 2021 by chillii

[Allupinnit]

Well if @Gaeta's experience is even a glimpse of what it's like to date online I would have a hard pass.  

I hear it from my gf's too.  Sometimes being straight up assaulted on these dates.  Complete strangers expecting sex, my gf had to run out the back of a restaurant because the guy wouldn't keep his hands to himself under the table.  

 

[chillii]

No doubt about it lots of garbage too, same for a guy. Just as a guy could've ended up with God knows what if he was silly enough back when l was on one too. Finding sane women was one of the biggest hurdles, or you could say not too damaged, mostly they were pretty obvious in thing's they write on their page though, but not always.

Anyway , despite it all and being very selective l did meet some very nice women.

Edited October 21, 2021 by chillii

[Gaeta]

I just went online and picked a local dating coach. I played a video she had on her website. My teen girl was outraged lol, she said what do you think this woman is going to do for you?? she won't change men for you! YOU have more experience at dating than her, you should be the dating coach...haha, It was funny and I think she's righ though. 

 

[Gaeta]

I am dropping kiddo to her tutoring. I have 2 free hours. I am open to any suggestions ....WHERE do I go to meet available men?? 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am dropping kiddo to her tutoring. I have 2 free hours. I am open to any suggestions ....WHERE do I go to meet available men?? 

Try the supermarket.  LOL   I met two different men there, one just last week at an impromptu whiskey tasting.  He's cool!  No earth shattering chemistry but we had fun when we went out and going out again this weekend.

However, my meets were spontaneous meets.  I didn't go there to specifically meet men, I went there to shop and it just happened naturally.

Not sure if that makes a difference. 

But I think when you go out with the intention to meet someone, you won't.

When you venture out to "do your thing" whatever it is, and remain open and approachable to everyone, even women (platonically), you more apt to meet someone.

 

 

[chillii]

lt is a tough one.

My lady has some big big problems going on now where she'll have to remain up at home indefinitely so things aren't looking good for our future right now and those things have been crossing my mind too.

l get some nice attention from women out and about but l could count on less than one hand anything over the yrs that could've actually been turned into something real and lasting. l'm in your age range and tbh unless something special was to fall into my lap l don't think l could even be bothered if it does come to that.

PS , ahh yeassa , super markets are an absolute pleasure even for a guy that hates shopping. Actually there's a a very very cute Asian chick at mine that's been eyeing me of for yrs.

Edited October 21, 2021 by chillii

[Gaeta]

Where I live we still have to where a mask inside public places. 

[Weezy1973]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

When you venture out to "do your thing" whatever it is, and remain open and approachable to everyone, even women (platonically), you more apt to meet someone.

 

This for sure. As much as I’m an advocate for OLD, using it in conjunction with people IRL is better. The vast majority of my relationships came from meeting in real life. However I met my wife through OLD. 

[CUP OF TEA]

52 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am dropping kiddo to her tutoring. I have 2 free hours. I am open to any suggestions ....WHERE do I go to meet available men?? 

I met my current bf at a laundromat. You probably have a washer/dryer at home but I met him and had a couple of guys flirt with me there (though they were too chickensh*t to ask for my number I guess). 

You mentioned upthread about the age gap thing. I've been the same way where the younger ones approach me. Both my younger men, one my ex-husband (20 years younger, married ten years) approached me. I met my ex at work. And you're right, most older men are looking for the  young women, they are divorced, jaded, and not looking for another marriage/relationship it seems for the most part. 

I don't think the age gap with my bf (40 years) is sustainable long-term but we are enjoying it while it lasts. It's not like I have tons of other prospects. Sometimes men my age seem interested but never follow-up on anything unlike the younger ones I met. I don't do online dating - never had any luck with it - total waste of time. I'm glad you dumped that loser/user. Why don't you try dating a younger man and see how it goes?

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

Why don't you try dating a younger man and see how it goes?

How much younger are you suggesting? lol

[CUP OF TEA]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How much younger are you suggesting? lol

Not many want to go to the extremes I do, and I don't blame them lol. Did you say you had some early 40s guys messaging you? Why not? If you don't like them or they are just into the fetish and want ONLY sex you can next them! Or if that's too young, 45 and up?

[Gaeta]

Just now, CUP OF TEA said:

Not many want to go to the extremes I do, and I don't blame them lol. Did you say you had some early 40s guys messaging you? Why not? If you don't like them or they are just into the fetish and want ONLY sex you can next them! Or if that's too young, 45 and up?

I am talking to my 40 year old prospect right now. He just announced me he doesn't have a car. That's not viable I live in residential suburbia BUT he's doing is driving course right now. It might be salvageable. 

[elaine567]

I get why some in cities do not have a car, no real need, but why can't he drive at forty years old?
Salvageable???

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

I get why some in cities do not have a car, no real need, but why can't he drive at forty years old?
Salvageable???

He never got his driver's license. He's taking the course right now. Here it's a 1 year course. 

I mean salvageable because short term he'll be able to drive. 

No driving license is a big no-go. I am not adding to my busy life a boyfriend that doesn't drive

If the man has his license but no car, it's not so bad, he can take the wheel and releive me from always driving. 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

He never got his driver's license. He's taking the course right now. Here it's a 1 year course. 

I mean salvageable because short term he'll be able to drive. 

No driving license is a big no-go. I am not adding to my busy life a boyfriend that doesn't drive

If the man has his license but no car, it's not so bad, he can take the wheel and releive me from always driving. 

How did he get on in life without a driver's license?  Especially in your neck of the woods.  I mean he's 40!  

Where's he been?  In prison or something?

Make you wonder.

[CUP OF TEA]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am talking to my 40 year old prospect right now. He just announced me he doesn't have a car. That's not viable I live in residential suburbia BUT he's doing is driving course right now. It might be salvageable. 

Things like that come with the territory and he's taking the lessons NOW so.  Mine just got a car but his driving skills are rusty so I make him take an Uber to get to mine. I'm not carting his ass back and forth. I do the driving if we go anywhere but I don't mind, he pays for the gas and puts air in my tires.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

How did he get on in life without a driver's license?  Especially in your neck of the woods.  I mean he's 40!  

Where's he been?  In prison or something?

Make you wonder.

The thing with our metropole is that it's an Island. Everything is on the Island, metro, bus, night life, festivals, corporate center, etc. He lives on the Island, everything is there. I live off the Island in the suburb, to get to me a car is a must. There are public transport where I am but it's nothing like on the Island. I work on the Island downtown, I drive and it takes me 20 minutes. If I took the bus it would take 1h20. 

 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The thing with our metropole is that it's an Island. Everything is on the Island, metro, bus, night life, festivals, corporate center, etc. He lives on the Island, everything is there. I live off the Island in the suburb, to get to me a car is a must. There are public transport where I am but it's nothing like on the Island. I work on the Island downtown, I drive and it takes me 20 minutes. If I took the bus it would take 1h20. 

 

I get it, it's like Manhattan Island and Staten Island in New York.  BUT people over the age of 16 (well 16-18) still get a license, it's like a given.

I dunno, maybe it's different in Canada, but if 40 year old man had never bothered to get a driver's license, he would be considered to be quite odd.

Not having a car I get, because when I lived in Manhattan, I didn't have a car.  Huge PITA.

I always had a license though in case I ever needed to rent a car to take a trip or visit family though.

But if that doesn't bother you, that's okay!!

Edited October 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But if that doesn't bother you, that's okay!!

I asked him why he waited this long and he said he didn't feel the need until now. Last month I exchanged with a very interesting man my age for an entire week and when we started making plans to meet BOOM he doesn't drive, never did. 

The no driving bothers me BUT because he's currently taking his course I will cut him a break. Also, If ever things mesh between him and I, he won't be visiting anytime soon since I have a teen.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

  Just reading the stories on this site makes me feel so depressed for you all who are sifting through the leftovers online. 

Burn!  

Seriously, there are many of us over 50's who are not "leftovers" and who are currently, or have at some point participated in online dating.  Many.  

You might not be aware that divorce is very common.  Divorced people are not necessarily leftovers and many will go on to have successful relationships or new marriages.  As OP and others have said, it's much harder for older people to meet potential dates.  Evidently you're a very young person.  When we're young, we are social in a much different way than when we are older.  Clubs, parties, flirting with strangers is all much more natural when we're young.

I don't know why I read this whole thread.  Turns out I agree with you about the obvious bad qualities of the man in question.  I don't, however, think that the OP is an "older woman" in this situation.  7 years is nothing when you've reached a certain age.  I had a 5 year long relationship with a woman who is 8 years my senior and age was not even any kind of factor at all.  We were both at the same level professionally, fitness-wise, mentally, financially.  

Ok, that's it.  OP - I'm happy you're going to have nothing further to do with this unfortunate sounding fellow.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am dropping kiddo to her tutoring. I have 2 free hours. I am open to any suggestions ....WHERE do I go to meet available men?? 

Plan for the gaps and do a meetup.

Obviously it's too late for that. At your age, probably a bookstore type cafe or some event relating to the arts. Meet the smart/classy types. Doesn't mean they aren't fuxxed up once you get to know them, but at least they are interesting conversation for those first two dates (and the few who ARE good are real catches).

OR, if you can't stand brainy/intellectual/artistic girly-men (like me  except I'm FAR from girly), then hit a country western bar and have someone teach you to line dance. Just watch out for the "patriarchal" attitudes. But some women roll just fine w/ that. Or any other event where they teach some weird style of dancing.

So that's 2 suggestions for you, with 1 you can riff off of (the dance bar/dance even thing) + 1 you can plan (the meetup).

Or join a volunteer group and if there are no good men around just jump to another one until you find one with good men.

Edited October 22, 2021 by mark clemson

[chillii]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Many relationships now start from OLD. It’s only soul destroying if you don’t understand the difference between meeting a stranger and dating someone you already know from real life (work, school, social circle etc.). The key for OLD is to not get caught up in the early stages. This six week dating for Gaeta turned out to be a nothingburger. But I doubt she’s losing any sleep over it. 
 

The real issue I think for online dating is the tendency towards aspirational dating which you touched on. Both men and women do this and it’s the tendency to shoot “out of your league”. There’s the illusion that there are endless options so people keep holding out…

But again, once you realize that tendency in yourself, it gets way easier.

 

Yeah pretty well agree. Haven't been back to this one awhile but going back a few l see why Gaeta gave this one another shot and fair enough butttt, tis what it tis and at least she has closure now instead of wondering for yrs.

There is a lot of disillusion with online l noticed it to back in the day. l always tell people and have said here that is the allusion though don't be fooled with the fluff, male or female both struggle with it all.

l found it very very easy on mine though picking the real thing back when and they were there and of no way l would've come across them in RL , so it def' had it's advantages. The beauty of it was too that others usually opened their mouth in their write up and it's all coming out right there anyway , they may as well have just stuck a big red flag over their profile.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 22, 2021 by chillii

[balletomane]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

How did he get on in life without a driver's license?  Especially in your neck of the woods.  I mean he's 40!  

Where's he been?  In prison or something?

Make you wonder.

I didn't have a licence until last week, and I'm in my mid-thirties. My partner still doesn't have one. He is very committed to cycling and using public transport for environmental reasons, and until recently I lived in a city where car ownership is more trouble than it's worth. I wasn't about to pour money and my limited free time into lessons when I had no plans to get a car. I've noticed in the USA there seems to be a very big emphasis on driving as a mark of adulthood, but that's not necessarily the case elsewhere. I wouldn't start getting suspicious of people because they don't have driving licences.