Absence of compliments

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

 Please don't sleep with him.

I made sure of that by not shaving my legs

[Johnjohnson2017]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I made sure of that by not shaving my legs

Some guys get turned on by hairy legs

[vla1120]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I made sure of that by not shaving my legs

LS really needs to add a laughing emoji!! I laughed out loud when I read your response.

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

But you know all of this.  You just want to follow the "chemistry" and hope you're the exception.  I know you will say I'm wrong but your actions say otherwise.

Let us know how the walk goes.  Please don't sleep with him.

I'm not saying you're wrong, all that you have said is possible, I am not seeing it as dramatic as you all see it, maybe because I don't watch Dirty John series,  I just want to turn this leaf and if indeed there is nothing for me under that leaf I will gladly move on like I have moved on with all the other ones before him. 

[vla1120]

@Gaeta I believe you will make the right decision because you ARE intelligent and self-aware. You can go on a walk with the guy and that doesn't mean you are going to allow yourself to get scammed. I did just notice your tag at the bottom of your messages: "Dear heart,  this is what happens when you try to make decisions on your own. Sincerely, Brain."

As long as you stick to that, I think you'll be just fine. 

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not saying you're wrong, all that you have said is possible, I am not seeing it as dramatic as you all see it, maybe because I don't watch Dirty John series,  I just want to turn this leaf and if indeed there is nothing for me under that leaf I will gladly move on like I have moved on with all the other ones before him. 

I guess what we are seeing is that you won't, though.  All he had to do was invite you on a walk after dumping you over text, and you got giddy like a school girl.

In the grand scheme of things yeah, you can say it's not a big deal but the way you date is keeping you single.

[Gaeta]

35 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

There is nothing wrong with older woman/younger man and had you met in real life, naturally, organically, there would be no issue.

How long the tag 'met online' is bad? Most relationships start on line nowadays. I am surrounded by happy couples that met online. Ten years down the line this man cheats on me it will be because he's an online man? I don't have the age, time or life style to meet men in RL. We've been through that 100 times. 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I guess what we are seeing is that you won't, though.  All he had to do was invite you on a walk after dumping you over text, and you got giddy like a school girl.

In the grand scheme of things yeah, you can say it's not a big deal but the way you date is keeping you single.

I'm not sure I understand your suggestion. I would not move on from a man that's not a good fit for me? I would date a man completely wrong for me, that I don't trust,  just because he gives me butterflies? 

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not sure I understand your suggestion. I would not move on from a man that's not a good fit for me? I would date a man completely wrong for me, that I don't trust,  just because he gives me butterflies? 

Bingo.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Bingo.

I cannot convince you but you can watch me

 

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I cannot convince you but you can watch me

 

Well, I do admire your tenacity.  I don't wish you any ill will, or think of you as stupid or anything like that.  I just know that when it comes to dating often times our hearts can be our own worst enemies.  The butterflies amount to a hill of beans after a few months and you're left with the real man in front of you.  It's almost never what we should be basing our greatest life's decisions on.  

We are all (mostly) speaking unanimously because we can see it for what it is and we haven't slept with the guy.  I think people should have a leaderboard when it comes to dating that we have to show our friends.  They are much more objective and can see clearly where we can't.

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, I trust you will do what's best for you.  BUT the fact you even accepted his invite to take a walk, and are entertaining the possibility of reconnecting and getting back together is what's troubling.

I mean, why would you?  What purpose would it serve?  Because he's hot, you had great sex and he made your heart all aflutter?  Like I said, he's very skilled, and I highly doubt he feels the same otherwise he would NOT have dumped you the way he did, nor would he have hit you up for money in the first place.  No way.  No man who actually respects a woman would ever do that.  He has another different agenda. 

I know you wrote this as tongue-n-cheek (I hope), that you need to shave your legs to not sleep with him.  That is also extremely troubling.  It reflects you are vulnerable to him and his seductive tactics. That you don't trust your own good sense to resist him.

FACTS:  (1) He's broke to the point he owes his siblings money.   At 49, that's pretty darn pathetic imho.  (2)  You on the other hand are successful and well off financially.  Own a beautiful home, etc.  (3) He hit you up for money on the 10th date, and then DUMPED you when you refused.    

No. 3, that's humiliating.  It's debasing.  It's insulting.  Immediate next, JUST FOR HIM ASKING.   Or it should be.

But you don't see it that way.  I am not sure how you're seeing it or what you're thinking.  Or maybe you are not thinking, it's like @Allupinnitsaid, you are all swept up in the "chemistry" and you are blind to the realities of what the perception is, and what LIFE is.  The deception, the scamming, etc.  IT'S VERY REAL.

As objective observers, it's all very obvious to us.  And trust me, when I first read this, I WAS open to believing he was genuine.  I was pulling for you.

But after further thought, and revisiting the FACTS, and what the perception out there is of older women advertising on the internet, I feel differently.

Yes I realize many people meet on the internet and it works out. 

BUT for heaven's sake, when a man hits a woman (you) up for money so early in, RUN!! 

Nothing good or positive will EVER become of that.  No man who respects a woman would ever do that.

 

 

Edited October 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[ramen234]

On 8/29/2021 at 11:17 AM, Gaeta said:

I'm still analyzing how important it is to me. It's not on top of my list of needs. On top top top of my list is 'act of service'. 

So what you can't make someone do something for you.  He doesn't owe you anything, he doing it because he wants to.  If that's a problem,  you should find someone else to date.  

[CUP OF TEA]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You all have to make up your mind here about the age. 

I've turned 56 last week, he's turning 49 in December. He is 7 years younger. On one hand I am told that's nothing in terms of age difference, it's perfectly normal for a man to date a woman 7 years younger so what's wrong with the other way around? There is a thread here with a woman 40 years older than her boyfriend....and I am called an 'older woman' because of 7 years?

 

That would be me. A couple of differences (besides the way bigger age gap) is that he NEVER has asked me to borrow money and I met him organically. Neither one of us was actively seeking a partner. I know many people have found love online but in my experience it was a dismal fail for me when I had tried it in the past. Also, you are free to do you, but I would never take a man back that dumped me. As Dr. Phil says "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" and I would never trust that he would not drop you on a dime again. He blind-sided you and did not even discuss with you any problems that may have made him come to that decision. If he valued and respected you he never would have been so cruel. 

I would be curious to know what he was doing in those six weeks since he ended it with you. Was he actively dating looking for perhaps another woman to hit up for money and when that failed came back to you (plan B) since you had told him that if you and he had dated longer you would consider lending him money and he is now in it for the long game. I think you are just setting yourself up for future heartbreak but go do your walk but think about asking him those questions. 

[poppyfields]

Worth mentioning and not sure if this applies to you Gaeta, but maybe it does.  Possibly.  I may have even had this mindset at some point in my adult life.

Many women believe they are immune to being scammed, that a man would NEVER do that to "them."  This is due to an over-inflated image they have of themselves (social conditioning), that all or most men are so enthralled with them, that the idea of being deceived or scammed financially is not something that would ever occur to them even when it's pretty much staring them right in the face, like this man.

Hitting you up for money after only 10 or so dates and then dumping when you refused. Wow, this still appalls me!

Anyway, instead of viewing that (and yourself) realistically, such women proceed to deny, rationalize and justify because not doing so would mean taking a good hard look within and realizing they are not "all that," and that they, like everyone else, are vulnerable to deceptive sociopathic men.

Debra Newell (real life woman in the Dirty John story) admitted to having such mindset.  Which is why when her daughters were literally screaming at her that "John" was a con artist and scammer, she refused to see it.  It was so very clear to them, but Debra denied, justified, rationalized.

Until she could no longer ignore the evidence, tried to leave which infuriated him (loss of his 'meal ticket' and cushy way of life) nearly resulting in the death of one of her daughters.

For whatever it's worth.

 

 

Edited October 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

I'm back. 

It's nothing any of you imagined, and nothing I could have ever imagined. 

He gave me an apology,  he said the stress got the best of him and he heard himself say things he would have never imagined and he was not proud of himself.

We spoke for a good 2 hours non stop about his life, my life. We did not touch at all. 

Most his problems are solved, he got a promotion, got a raise with it, got the custody he wanted .....then, he said he needs someone trust worthy to take care of his income tax so he doesn't get in trouble again and if I would take care of that for him, I said no but I can refer him to a firm I trust.

At that point I said Why did you invite me over? He said he knew this question would come, he said he asked himself this question and he's not ready for a relationship but would welcome my friendship. 

I said no, I still have lingering feelings, I cannot be friends. 

He said he understood and we said our good byes

I deleted him. 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

How bizarre.

Seems like he has some growing up to do.

I get the impression he likes women who “take care” of him.

 

 

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

...then, he said he needs someone trust worthy to take care of his income tax so he doesn't get in trouble again and if I would take care of that for him,

So he hits you up for money, dumps you, then six weeks later reaches out and invites you over to request you handle his income tax for him?   And proposes a friendship?  I don't understand, are you an Accountant?  For some reason, I thought you worked in HR.

Did he propose a fee for your services or did he expect that you would do this for free?

Anyway, it's actually worse than I imagined.  I don't think he's quite right in the head Gaeta.

Well, hopefully at least you got your closure and can put this bozo behind you.

Good riddance!

I'm sorry this happened.

 

Edited October 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Anyway, it's actually worse than I imagined.  I don't think he's quite right in the head Gaeta.

It's terrible. I cannot find the words to express how mind blowing this is. He knew he wouldn't get money so he aimed at my resources. 

He asked what I told my friends about him, I said I told everybody you dumped me and he went omg don't say that I did not 'dump' you, don't use that word. 

Since the breakup my mind would always go back to him and I had a lot of what ifs. I'm glad I went there tonight, there are no more what ifs. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's terrible. I cannot find the words to express how mind blowing this is. He knew he wouldn't get money so he aimed at my resources. 

He asked what I told my friends about him, I said I told everybody you dumped me and he went omg don't say that I did not 'dump' you, don't use that word. 

Since the breakup my mind would always go back to him and I had a lot of what ifs. I'm glad I went, there tonight, there is no more what ifs. 

That's the positive takeaway.  You got your closure.  

Hope you feel better G, we were pretty harsh but it was only cause we care.

Feel better.

Hugs.

[Tullyseptember]

I'm glad you got what you needed Gaeta from this encounter. You closed the door on him once learning what you needed to. I figured you would and you did it with class.

You will find the one..sometimes a few frogs are kissed before the one who is right for you presents himself

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, not at all. 

Just a user and a taker, which is much much worse.

Cripes, what is the matter with some people? 

I mean just when I thought I've heard it all.   SMH

 

 

Edited October 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[CUP OF TEA]

I hate it when exes say things like "Oh, I wish you all the best" or "I'll always have your back, call if you need anything" or ask to be friends. If someone dumps me they are dead to me. And to offer to be your friend is cruel because it means not being with you won't hurt them because their love feelings are gone. 

I'm glad you went on that walk so you could have final closure. And I do the same thing if I don't want to be tempted to sleep with someone - I don't shave "anywhere" lol. 

[poppyfields]

[ ]  I am truly sorry, you deserved better. 

Feel better.

Hugs.

Edited October 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Alpacalia]

Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts when weighing the risks.

Someone who has proven to be an opportunist can only be trusted to continue milking others.

Was it worth it to put yourself through even more grief by giving him the benefit of the doubt?

I'm afraid only you can answer that.

I'm glad you put this man in the rear view mirror.  Maintain your circle of people who add value and significance to your life. Those are the people who should be given a second opportunity.