Absence of compliments

[Gaeta]

Compliments show respect and are a fundamental building block of intimacy. Compliments show your partner that you appreciate them, see the awesome things they do, and recognize the good in them. This builds connection and helps your partner feel like they are seen, noticed, and loved.

So I've been dating a new man for 6 weeks. So far he's pretty awesome. He gives me a lot of attention between dates, he tries to be helpful anyway he can, he's considerate, empathetic, never forgets a thing I said, focuses on what I like and the list goes on. 

He told me at the very beginning he's not very good at expressing his feelings, he's more the type to show it with actions. I didn't think it meant I would never hear a compliment again 🙄

My male friend tells me I have to point that to him gently. What you think?

Thank you, 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My male friend tells me I have to point that to him gently. What you think?

Actually I think he's right.  Especially with men who are doers instead of talkers.  I dated a guy once like that.  He was on the ball as far as planning and making sure I was taken care of in every way but he never gave me compliments.  When his friends complimented me he was quick to agree but his were never forthcoming.  Still I would rather have a doer than a bunch of compliments and no action.  I've had that type too.  Luckily my husband does both.

[smackie9]

You do it yourself ...give him compliments and he should follow suit.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Still I would rather have a doer than a bunch of compliments and no action.  I've had that type too. 

I've been thinking my ex showered me with compliments and we now know he had a very ugly dark side so I'm careful in what I wish for in a man. 

[smackie9]

I like a good balance of both.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You do it yourself ...give him compliments and he should follow suit.

I took that route. 

1st time:  he replied *haha stop flattering me*

2nd time: you really think I'm handsome?

[FMW]

If it's  important to you, mention it to him.  But it's  true that some men show their feelings for you much more than putting them into words.  My guy is like that he doesn't throw out compliments a lot, but when he does they are very meaningful because I know he's not just doing it because he's supposed to.  He very definitely shows his feelings for me in actions.  I've learned to pay attention to who he is and his way of doing things.  Sometimes his way of communicating his feelings is really beautiful - I've come to really appreciate it.

[smackie9]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I took that route. 

1st time:  he replied *haha stop flattering me*

2nd time: you really think I'm handsome?

hah he will get used to it :), I dated guys like that too...they eventually warmed up to it. If he eventually does give you a complement, re-enforce with affection. kinda like a treat to a dog.

Edited August 29, 2021 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

hah he will get used to it :), I dated guys like that too...they eventually warmed up to it. If he eventually does give you a complement, re-enforce with affection. kinda like a treat to a dog.

hahaha sadly I know it works that way. Positive re-inforcement works for pets AND humans. 

[smackie9]

Just now, Gaeta said:

hahaha sadly I know it works that way. Positive re-inforcement works for pets AND humans. 

I hope it goes well for you.

[introverted1]

I don't know, Gaeta.  I reread your other thread and you mentioned him complimenting your dress and saying that he "savored" your first night together  He's been clear about his interest tells you he anticipates future dates with pleasure.  These are all compliments, albeit not as direct as saying "you're beautiful" or whatever.  For me, as long as I am getting words of affirmation (to quote from the cheesy love languages stuff), that's what is important.  Of course, if compliments are important to you, then "training" him, as mentioned above, should work.

[Happy Lemming]

Do you need the reassurance of compliments??

He is all of these good things you mentioned...

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 He gives me a lot of attention between dates, he tries to be helpful anyway he can, he's considerate, empathetic, never forgets a thing I said, focuses on what I like and the list goes on. 

 

What do you want from these guys??  Exact perfection delivered at the exact correct time.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, FMW said:

If it's  important to you, mention it to him. 

I'm still analyzing how important it is to me. It's not on top of my list of needs. On top top top of my list is 'act of service'. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I don't know, Gaeta.  I reread your other thread and you mentioned him complimenting your dress and saying that he "savored" your first night together  He's been clear about his interest tells you he anticipates future dates with pleasure.  These are all compliments, albeit not as direct as saying "you're beautiful" or whatever.  For me, as long as I am getting words of affirmation (to quote from the cheesy love languages stuff), that's what is important.  Of course, if compliments are important to you, then "training" him, as mentioned above, should work.

Yes I have no doubts at all on his interest in me. The compliment on my dress is the only compliment I got so far BUT he does tell me he can't wait to see me again, he's thinking about me, when he sees me and hugs me he says he missed the feeling of my warmth. 

Maybe, just a little bit, I need to be told I'm pretty because I'm 7 years older, I'm trying to understand myself why I need to talk about this. 

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What do you want from these guys??  Exact perfection delivered at the exact correct time.

I think you're being a bit harsh on me. These guys? I had good reasons to dismiss the men before him and I am only dating him now. 

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, not sure how mentioning it, essentially telling him to compliment you, would serve you well here.

They may sound contrived and forced.  What you want (and need) are compliments that come from his heart, not because you had to tell him. 

Kinda defeats the purpose imo.

I will say however that compliments, feeling that validation is so nice!  Not ad nauseam but occasionally.

I never placed much value on that until recently, but that's another thread. 😳

Not sure what the answer is G except appreciate all the wonderful things he DOES say and do, and learn to give more value to yourself re the things, like compliments, he doesn't give. 💛

 

Edited August 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 I had good reasons to dismiss the men before him and I am only dating him now. 

Yes you did... now you have one that checks most/all of your boxes and your having issues with this guy because he doesn't pay you enough compliments.

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think you're being a bit harsh on me.

You are a 55 year old adult woman, not a 17 year old girl.  Why do you need to be complimented on a regular basis??

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

They may sound contrived and forced.  What you want (and need) are compliments that come from his heart, not because you had to tell him. 

Kinda defeats the purpose imo.

Absolutely defeats the purpose.

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

Compliments may be nice to hear occasionally, but a wise woman does not care about compliments. Neither does she care about criticisms. The only opinion which matter to her is her own. 

Well said!!

[Gaeta]

@Debsterism: No l don't fall in the category of women that need external validation for self value.

Compliments are nice to hear occasionnally, that's what my thread is about.

[poppyfields]

G, I read great book years ago called "Loving Him More, Needing Him Less."  By Judith Sills.

Mom gave it to me.

It discussed this very thing, you needing him for things like validation when ideally you should be giving that to yourself, internally.

However, as I said, compliments ARE nice to hear from time to time, receiving that validation from our partner, it fills us up with all sorts of warm fuzzies. Lol. 

As long as it comes from a genuine place - the heart. 

Men should learn this, and I'm sorry your man has not.

He may be uncomfortable with compliments and he is projecting that on to you, assuming you want/like what he likes (or does not like).

That you share the same needs.

It's not uncommon.

 

Edited August 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You are a 55 year old adult woman, not a 17 year old girl.  Why do you need to be complimented on a regular basis??

You've been reading me since 2014, why in the world are you talking to me like l'm a needy low self esteem woman. 

I did not say *l needed it* l did no say *regularly*. 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You've been reading me since 2014, why in the world are you talking to me like l'm a needy low self esteem woman. 

I did not say *l needed it* l did no say *regularly*. 

G, there is NO shame in needing to feel desired, that you are attractive, needing that validation from your boyfriend.

Hell, it's human!  Not ad nauseam that would get old and would sound contrived, but occasionally, yes. 

We're not robots for goodness sake, we have emotions and needs. 

Like I said, I used to not value that, cause most times those compliments felt contrived and forced, however when they come from a man's heart, genuinely and sincerely, wow what a difference it makes!!

People scream it shouldn't matter, but it does.  It's human nature. 

And there is no shame in that. 

Edited August 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You've been reading me since 2014, why in the world are you talking to me like l'm a needy low self esteem woman. 

I did not say *l needed it* l did no say *regularly*. 

I joined Loveshack in 2018, so no I have not been reading you since 2014.

Why are you complaining about a lack of compliments??  Are you looking for an excuse to get out of this new relationship.  It seems like this new guy's work schedule doesn't afford him the time to date/take you out on a regular basis, maybe its not the compliments you desire, but more "in person" contact??

[glows]

Give him more time. It's still early. Through acts of service does he show you that you are appreciated?