We were dating for 4 months, but now she's said she doesn't want a relationship, called it off and won't meet me face to face to chat?

[datingnoob1234]

Since April this year I’ve been seeing a girl, it’s been completely casual from the start and we both wanted to take it slow - following past relationship break ups in the last 6-9 months. I still to this day can’t fault anything we did, we had nights away and even a 5 day mini break. She stayed over mine a lot, as I own my own place, which made things easier. This last month august, I had a short holiday booked with some friends for five days. She was totally fine with this, as I made a point of asking about it. When I was away something seemed off, long replies and not the usual girl I’ve been speaking to. (I don’t think she went and got with someone else - she’s not like that) We still face timed / chatted via the phone. I even asked her if she was happy with this current situation and she replied with ‘yes currently’ and how ‘we should take the pressure off us and just be more chilled for a bit’. But there is no pressure.. As soon as I arrived home, this long replies came more obvious. So I confronted her on the phone on my return, her reply was ‘what are we doing?’ ‘We both don’t want a relationship?’ - this was obviously to my disappointment inside, as we were slowly heading that way so it felt. I was then waiting to see her face to face this week, she owed me some tickets for an event we were both going to. So I spent all last week working myself up for this moment. But she posted them through my letterbox and drove off in a friends car, even when I tried to get her attention (she didn’t even come alone!). I then decided to call her the following morning, as I was deeply upset inside / but I didn’t showcase this fully. We spoke again, but again she seemed off and not like the girl I was dating prior. She was stressed and even sounded angry that I was calling? I have no idea to what the hells happened! And to top things off, the event we were both at the day after I spent my whole night looking for her to see her face to face. All to return home to find out she had blocked me on social media. When I never messaged, rang or texted her after that prior call. I sit here now, upset and so confused. What have I done wrong? How can I fix this?

[d0nnivain]

You didn't do anything wrong but you admit this was heading toward a relationship.  She doesn't want a relationship so now that it's going in that direction she pulled the plug.  She felt whatever you were doing was too serious for her & it made her cranky so now she has ended it.  It's not you.  It's her.  She wants nothing to do with commitment.  She was good enough to get you the tickets promptly but she doesn't want the face to face.  Besides it won't change her mind.  

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

 her reply was ‘what are we doing?’ ‘We both don’t want a relationship?’. She was stressed and even sounded angry that I was calling? she had blocked me on social media. 

What did she mean by this? Apparently something went sideways before or during your trip.

What kind of stuff  is on your social media regarding the trip or your ex?

It seems like she's been unhappy a while about "we both don't want a relationship"?

[datingnoob1234]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You didn't do anything wrong but you admit this was heading toward a relationship.  She doesn't want a relationship so now that it's going in that direction she pulled the plug.  She felt whatever you were doing was too serious for her & it made her cranky so now she has ended it.  It's not you.  It's her.  She wants nothing to do with commitment.  She was good enough to get you the tickets promptly but she doesn't want the face to face.  Besides it won't change her mind.  

Hmm i hear you. The thing is we were both very happy about this being casual and open. 

In the last week these are the type of things that have been said between us? All examples of direct messages..

Example 1

Me: Are you happy with how things are going?
Her: Yes currently, but i'm worried about you and not wanting to hold you back?

Me: (to myself, but i haven't put pressure on or asked for a relationship yet)

Example 2: general chat with each other via the phone, just conversational point.

Me: what's holding you back from a relationship?

Her: I don't know and that's the problem?

 

Example 3:

Her: If you were more open to the idea of a relationship, maybe i would have been more open?

Me: Thinking to myself, but i didn't want to through you off or be too keen? Even though inside i really was enjoying what we had?

 

Example 4:

her: Let's just take it back a few weeks, where there was no pressure and it was just chill

Me: Yeah sure, i don't know where this pressure has even come from? I love spending time with you etc and just seeing how things go..

 

The thing that i don't understand is this.. 

There was never meant to any pressure? Just 7 days back she said she wanted to continue this? She was really into me and liked me (so i thought). Maybe i didn't say it out loud about me being happy to peruse a relationship or the next stage, as i was scared of her reaction?

I really like her and genuinely we're really good together, with the stuff we do. I just really don't get whats scared her and how on earth i can re approach? I just feel like i've been treated badly and there's been a lack of consideration for my feelings too. 

 

 

[datingnoob1234]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What did she mean by this? Apparently something went sideways before or during your trip.

What kind of stuff  is on your social media regarding the trip or your ex?

It seems like she's been unhappy a while about "we both don't want a relationship"?

Well when we got together we were both happy to just enjoy eachothers company, without labelling things directly and putting pressure on us both.

However when we're 3 months down the line, it's only natural that some sort of next step needs to come. However i NEVER pressured or even asked the Q about the next step?

Regarding social media, i didn't post or do anything. We used to have the odd chat on there via Instagram, but on friday night she just blocked me? I feel like i've been treated badly, as much as she probs has nothing to owe me.

I just want to fix things, that me as a person. A fixer, not a thrower. I don't think she's blocked my number, i haven't texted her again since last friday - but my text still hasn't been read. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Was it her that came out of a relationship in the last few months?

If so, I would wager that she's back with her ex. 

Edited August 29, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[salmagund1]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Was it her that came out of a relationship in the last few months?

If so, I would wager that she's back with her ex. 

Yeah I tend to agree that its something along these lines.   Without really knowing anything at all about your situation beyond what you describe...my first thought was that some other guy caught her eye so she wants to free herself up to pursue it.   And that's why she won't meet because she feels bad/guilty.  

Pure speculation of course...but pretty plausible, eh?

[datingnoob1234]

I’ve been dating a girl for three months. Suddenly out the blue without warning signs she does cold on me, saying she doesn’t want a relationship and within days I’m blocked on Instagram?

 

i just wanted answers and an opportunity to meet face to face. But it seems impossible here!

any advice or a good way to approach this?

[stillafool]

Probably her ex came back into her life and she was dating you as a rebound.  I'm sorry.

[glows]

1 hour ago, datingnoob1234 said:

 

any advice or a good way to approach this?

Yes. Be respectful and accept with some grace that it's finished. She's not interested in dating you any further. Keep in mind that reasons not to continue  dating someone after a small handful of months could be hurtful to you and serve no better purpose except to create more angst and frustration. 

Dare I also ask - have you met in person?

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, datingnoob1234 said:

I’ve been dating a girl for three months. Suddenly out the blue without warning signs she does cold on me, saying she doesn’t want a relationship and within days I’m blocked on Instagram?

 

i just wanted answers and an opportunity to meet face to face. But it seems impossible here!

any advice or a good way to approach this?

Sometime it seems out of the blue even if they’ve been thinking about it for a long time. It can be really hard to break it off with someone. Every boyfriend I had thought it came out of the blue, but actually I’d  been thinking about it for a considerable amount of time and then I just snapped one day, quietly got my thing there, and said bye 👋 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[datingnoob1234]

20 hours ago, glows said:

Yes. Be respectful and accept with some grace that it's finished. She's not interested in dating you any further. Keep in mind that reasons not to continue  dating someone after a small handful of months could be hurtful to you and serve no better purpose except to create more angst and frustration. 

Dare I also ask - have you met in person?

I'll try to be respectful. But I do feel like at the same time a lack of respect has been shown towards myself. 

She hasn't wanted to meet me face to face, as much as I think that's a good idea. 

Left me 'on read' for days at a time, also blocked me on social media! Again for doing nothing wrong! 

She was supposed to drop some tickets to me last week (face to face), but came with a mate in her car and literally (ran off and drove off - even when I called her name).

It's just been a really weird approach to it all, I have debated trying to organise something this week - but again am I being mugged off?

Thoughts?

[glows]

You both seem like each others' rebound and this continues to be round after round of confusion. Casual relationships have an expiry date and are usually in periods of transition for people in often unstable periods of their lives. There is nothing wrong with it and we love and care for others as we do in any phase we are in but you ought to be more realistic about this and avoid trying to turn this into something more than what it was.

You continuing to text or pursue her will seem as you pestering her for another round of confusion and she doesn't want to have any contact with you going forward. Take the hint and be respectful of her stance. Treat this as a learning experience when meeting or dating other women. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, datingnoob1234 said:

I have debated trying to organise something this week

It sucks, but it couldn't be any clearer that she does not want to see you or talk to you. You need to stop trying to do so. 

And yes, sometimes people behave in disrespectful ways. But there's nothing we can do about that, but close the door on them. We can't make someone respect us. We can only respect ourselves and walk away. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Suddenly out the blue without warning signs she does cold on me, saying she doesn’t want a relationship and within days I’m blocked on Instagram?

Leave it be. Maybe an ex reappeared. Maybe she got sick of "no labels", who knows?  What you do know is when someone blocks you, it's time to back off and move forward. Do not "fix", that is simply code for refusing to accept and let go.