Should I cancel the date?

[Calmandfocused]

Hi All

Ive just been reading a thread by Mortensorchid- my heart goes out to her. 
 

However it made me panic a bit. 
 

Basically I’ve got a date coming up with a guy who is REALLY into politics big time. I am not into politics at all and I told him as such. He didn’t seem bothered by this but he did tell me that he has lost some friendships as a result of his political views. 
 

I didn’t really see this as a red flag but I’m now wondering whether it is? If you’re that passionate about something that causes conflict in your personal relationships is it something to be concerned about from my POV? 
 

I have been out with a very religious man previously and he was very pushy in relation to wanting me to come over to his faith. My refusal caused a Lot of problems in our relationship. I don’t want to be a similar situation again. 

I know I’m probably jumping ahead here. I’ve not met the guy yet but ……..

 

Thoughts please? 
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Extremism is a red flag . Yes cancel and continue talking to and meeting more tempered agreeable people without  agendas like these.

Unless you are both intense about whatever it is, a cause, a religious belief, a political stance, etc. it will be boring at best or someone who's disgruntled and argumentative under the guise of a "debating"

Edited August 29, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Philosopher]

27 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi All

Ive just been reading a thread by Mortensorchid- my heart goes out to her. 
 

However it made me panic a bit. 
 

Basically I’ve got a date coming up with a guy who is REALLY into politics big time. I am not into politics at all and I told him as such. He didn’t seem bothered by this but he did tell me that he has lost some friendships as a result of his political views. 
 

I didn’t really see this as a red flag but I’m now wondering whether it is? If you’re that passionate about something that causes conflict in your personal relationships is it something to be concerned about from my POV? 
 

I have been out with a very religious man previously and he was very pushy in relation to wanting me to come over to his faith. My refusal caused a Lot of problems in our relationship. I don’t want to be a similar situation again. 

I know I’m probably jumping ahead here. I’ve not met the guy yet but ……..

 

Thoughts please? 
 

 

 

Do you know what his political views are and are they something you could live with? If his views are quite unconventional or extreme then I think it could cause conflict even for those who not interested in politics. If his views are more mainstream then I do not see an issue with dating him.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Extremism is a red flag .

This.

I stay away from people who can't appreciate that good people might disagree on how to solve problems, aka politics.

Sounds like he is already warning you that it could be a problem. 

Hard to say whether you should call it off or explore it more in person.  What does your gut say? Did you ask him for any details about the friendships he's lost?

[d0nnivain]

You already accepted the date so it's only polite to go.  You are making assumptions about him based on something you read on LS that has nothing to do with him personally & on some religious guy you previously went out with who again is not him.     

If you go & he tries to shove a political perspective that you don't agree with down your throat on the date, end it & go home.  Simply because he cares about politics -- a fact which you knew before you accepted the date -- doesn't mean it's all he can talk about.  I care about politics & am very passionate about it -- having worked on campaigns, regularly donate, volunteer, staff phone banks, work the polls, serve as an election monitor, & am personal friends with a number of office holders (they were friends 1st; I don't suck up to people just because they have power) but other than maybe in late October I rarely talk about the subject with other people.  

Get to know him.  See what he's really like.  You might be surprised.   If he is an extremist then you end the date  & go home.  But to blow him off now when he's looking forward to the date is just rude.  

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, Philosopher said:

Do you know what his political views are and are they something you could live with? If his views are quite unconventional or extreme then I think it could cause conflict even for those who not interested in politics. If his views are more mainstream then I do not see an issue with dating him.

I’m afraid I’ve no idea of the details. He’s just told me he’s extremely passionate about politics. 
 

It’s the falling out with people about it that concerns me. I have different opinions to some people but I don’t fall out with them because of it. Maybe they fell out with him though. Who knows 

[Calmandfocused]

53 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You already accepted the date so it's only polite to go.  You are making assumptions about him based on something you read on LS that has nothing to do with him personally & on some religious guy you previously went out with who again is not him.     

If you go & he tries to shove a political perspective that you don't agree with down your throat on the date, end it & go home.  Simply because he cares about politics -- a fact which you knew before you accepted the date -- doesn't mean it's all he can talk about.  I care about politics & am very passionate about it -- having worked on campaigns, regularly donate, volunteer, staff phone banks, work the polls, serve as an election monitor, & am personal friends with a number of office holders (they were friends 1st; I don't suck up to people just because they have power) but other than maybe in late October I rarely talk about the subject with other people.  

Get to know him.  See what he's really like.  You might be surprised.   If he is an extremist then you end the date  & go home.  But to blow him off now when he's looking forward to the date is just rude.  

You make some very valid points D. 
 

You’re right. It could be much about nothing. 
 

There’s only one way to find out …

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

This.

I stay away from people who can't appreciate that good people might disagree on how to solve problems, aka politics.

Sounds like he is already warning you that it could be a problem. 

Hard to say whether you should call it off or explore it more in person.  What does your gut say? Did you ask him for any details about the friendships he's lost?

No I don’t know any further details about the conflicts he’s had with people or how extreme he is. 
 

However the sensible part of my brain tells me that he wouldn’t want to go out with me if he’s an extremist. 
 

I’ll go on the date 

[Gaeta]

I think the only danger is that you'll find him boring. 

Myself and the rest of my sibblings take a high interet in everything political. When we gather together often our evenings will turn into political debates. It's fun for us but for those with partners that have no interest in politics that is extremely boring. 

When is the date? keep us updated

 

[d0nnivain]

15 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’ll go on the date 

Good.  

Do take your own car & seriously don't be afraid to cut things short if he is an out of control raving nut about "his side."   You can also cancel if you find out the date itself is to attend a rally or protest. 

[smackie9]

 Since you have elected to go on this date, don't let the negative results deter you from OLD.

[spiderowl]

There's only one way to find out and that is by getting to know him better.  

Do you know what his political views are?  Are they different from your fundamental values?

People can be rigid about politics and religion and shove them down your throat.  He may just have an interest though and not force it on anybody.  As he said it has caused problems before, that is a bit of a red flag.  However, you may find you both agree on politics and get on really well.

[FudgeSwirl]

I hope your date goes well!   I agree that extremism in anything is a red flag, but it's possible he's not as arrogant about politics as he seems meaning maybe he only gets that way if he is in a consensual political conversation with his friends.  There are also people out there that aren't upfront with the fact that they are extremists, but at least if this guy goes into an obsessive political rant you won't be too shocked or hurt that you have to end things.

[basil67]

Before going on the date, I’d ask more about his views so that you can at least see whether your agree with his views or find them problematic.  If after a brief conversation you realise he’s going to annoy you too much, then cancel the date.  

Also consider if he’s the type of guy who will piss off your mates and become unwelcome at social events. 

[Calmandfocused]

Update! 
 

So I didn’t the cancel the date. I did in fact go. I’ve actually seen him 4 times, we’ve spoken loads in between dates  and it’s going very very well. Even though we’re kissing like teenagers it hasn’t gone any further yet. 
 

He’s very different to my usual type which trust me is a very good thing! He seems very honourable. 
 

The politics thing turned out to be nothing. However there is one massive incompatibility: 

He doesn’t like children. At all. He finds being around them utterly unbearable. He feels that strongly about it that he’s even had a vasectomy to ensure 100% that he doesn’t ever “accidentally” have children. 

I have 2 children, 2 amazing children in fact . Needless to say my response to this was that I could not continue to see him. That my children’s welfare means more to me than my own and there is no way on Earth I would ever continuing dating a man who would never be open to ever accepting my children. 

However to cut a long story short he came to the conclusion that he really likes me, he doesn’t want to lose me and that he will reconsider his position. Ie: that he’s willing to accept my children and build a relationship with them too if he and I progress. 

Whilst I really value his honesty and willingness to compromise here I’m still very dubious that this could ever possibly work. 
 

Thoughts please? 

[basil67]

In one or two past relationships, I've made promises to do things which I honestly meant at the time.  Then it turned out that I was speaking from a place of rose coloured glasses and the reality was that I really couldn't do it.   Of course, I can't speak for this guy, but be careful that as much as his intentions are good, the reality may be different.

[Gaeta]

How old are your children? What is it he doesn't like about children? 

[Calmandfocused]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How old are your children? What is it he doesn't like about children? 

My children are 8 and 10.

Pretty much everything Gaeta. The noise they make, the endless demands for attention ……

I get it. I was never a kids person before I had my own. In particular I remember the sound of children screaming would go right through me . I wasn’t a natural around children. I had no desire to be around them whatsoever. 
 

However all that changed when I got older.  I feel very differently now.  For example I love a children’s party. That would be his worst nightmare. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said:

I get it. I was never a kids person before I had my own. In particular I remember the sound of children screaming would go right through me . I wasn’t a natural around children. I had no desire to be around them whatsoever. 

But you didn't go get rid of your fertility, right. This guy is a bit extreme.

You risk getting emotionnally involved by the time your kids get on his nerve, then you'll be struggling in the middle.

[SumGuy]

On 9/12/2021 at 7:20 AM, Calmandfocused said:

...

Whilst I really value his honesty and willingness to compromise here I’m still very dubious that this could ever possibly work. 

Thoughts please? 

I am as well.   So this is such strongly held position until sex comes along?  The story of a thousand men; the change in position only lasts until they get tired of the sex. 

I find it hard to believe such a strongly held position could change so fast, or maybe it wasn't so strongly held just strongly stated (which presents its own worries about not caring it offends...which it would for most with kids...especially if he knew ahead of time you had kids.)  Honorable?  Don't confuse tightly wound and judgmental with honorable is all I can say; also honorable does not equal good...plenty of atrocities have been committed under the rubric of honor.

[poppyfields]

 

On 9/12/2021 at 4:20 AM, Calmandfocused said:

He doesn’t like children. At all. He finds being around them utterly unbearable. He feels that strongly about it that he’s even had a vasectomy to ensure 100% that he doesn’t ever “accidentally” have children. 

It's a mistake to ignore the bolded. 

I don't have kids, but if I did, I would consider them first over any man no matter how intoxicating the chemistry,

Assuming I was seeking a committed long term relationship.

Short term fling?  No problem, he doesn't have to meet them.  But long term committed? That is something entirely different.

Kids come first.  They are the priority. And being exposed to a man who finds them "unbearable"?  No thank you. 

Your call though Calm, good luck whatever you decide. 

[glows]

You can still enjoy his company but be aware of his earlier stance about children. I wouldn't progress the relationship (introduce to your kids, move in, engagement or get married) until you understand each other much better over a longer period of time. Does he seem flighty or whimsical to you (when you speak with him)?

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You can still enjoy his company but be aware of his earlier stance about children. I wouldn't progress the relationship (introduce to your kids, move in, engagement or get married) until you understand each other much better over a longer period of time. Does he seem flighty or whimsical to you (when you speak with him)?

No he seems very stable and grounded tbh. 
 

But this goes to the question; what do I want? And to be honest I’ve built up a great life for my children and I since my divorce. We’re very happy it just being the 3 of us. 
 

Neeedless to say I’ve questioned my future goals, in particular whether I actually want a man to move in with me, co parent my children and share every aspect of my life. And the answer is No I do not want that. My children aren’t exactly chomping at the bit for a step father either. 
 

So maybe it is possible to keep him separate from my main life. My children are happy, their lives remain undisrupted and I get to have some fun on the side for me - win win  However I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be happy with that set up  either, and neither would he. He’s made it perfectly clear that he expects to meet them  in the future. 

Also my logical brain tells me that Compartmentalising relationships never works. 
 

@Poppy fields yes whatever happens protecting my children and their welfare is the main priority for me. Always has been and always will be. 

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

I am as well.   So this is such strongly held position until sex comes along?  The story of a thousand men; the change in position only lasts until they get tired of the sex. 

I find it hard to believe such a strongly held position could change so fast, or maybe it wasn't so strongly held just strongly stated (which presents its own worries about not caring it offends...which it would for most with kids...especially if he knew ahead of time you had kids.)  Honorable?  Don't confuse tightly wound and judgmental with honorable is all I can say; also honorable does not equal good...plenty of atrocities have been committed under the rubric of honor.

I understand what you’re saying SG - thank you. 
 

I also appreciate that his desire for me is resulting in his “change of position” and that people can’t really  change something they feel strongly about just because they are attracted to someone.
 

Sooner or later his distaste for children will become apparent again. probably as soon as his desire for me wears off. I don’t want that distaste being directed at my children. They are great children and they deserve better than that. I’ve told him as much. 
 

But he still thinks he can do it and has asked me to give him a chance …

 

 

[glows]

If you have doubts and where it concerns your children, I'd break it off. That's not a risk I'd be willing to take.