*Who Else Has Sworn Off Online Dating?*

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Off topic, sorry, but did you ever call him? xD 

Lol, yes!  Today, I posted about it in my last post to chillii.  

It was something lemming posted that inspired me to do it! 

Have a date on his boat tomorrow.

Edited August 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, yeah totally comfortable, I grew up on boats!  Family had two boats - a catamaran which we raced and motor boat for play, water skiing and such.

Don't know if he will take it out, but I'm looking forward to it either way, I'm pretty adventurous.

I like him lemming, we have great banter and rapport, he's very cool! 

 

OK... sounds good. 

The only "boat" experience I have was working on my uncle's oyster dredge when I was a boy.  It was back breaking work... no fun. And the stupid thing was always breaking down.

Have fun and enjoy your day!!

 

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, yes!  Today, I posted about it in my last post to chillii.  

It was something lemming posted that inspired me to do it! 

Have a date on his boat tomorrow.

W00t, that’s awesome!!!  Have fun, poppy!!! 

[poppyfields]

Thanks guys, I will reopen my thread, don't want to hijack further. 

But in closing, it's a 35' cruiser, so yeah should be super fun!  

He's a marine biologist after all, into scuba diving etc so it makes sense that he would own a boat, I'm curious if he lives on it!  He didn't say.

But I'll find out tomorrow!  

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I picked the line up from Grease…

 

in online some advantages are Vsncouver person meetings

 

1. you have a safe assumption they are looking to date

2. in theory from a profile an early conversations you can see if you might have things in common such as interests and beliefs and wants in life.  
 

3. things you don’t want to put in a profile you can measure in a first phone call by asking questions.

 

you always want to meet face to face early vs dragging out an online meeting period.
 

 

 

Nice.

Good points on the other items addressed.

I've known couples that have had long-term success with online dating, although I'm sure the logistics may be tiring.

Hopefully, with some rest and reflection, OP can navigate through the stinkers and into the hot damns.

 

 

 

[chillii]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

True, I did say I was serious, so you got me there, fair enough.

Re wrongs and rights, agree there are different wrongs and rights for different people, and those wrongs and rights can change as we grow and evolve. 

This is what I'm facing now as I grow and evolve.  What seemed right in the past, has become wrong for me now.

I seek change.  Internally and externally.

That said, I don't want to hijack Dis' thread so may reopen my previous, but I called "supermarket guy" today, it was another very spirited convo!  Straight away even though it's been over a week since we first met.

And he invited me on his boat tomorrow and I accepted! 

So yay for me for stepping out of comfort zone!

It was lemmings post that did it, thanks lemming! 

 

ps , just wondering dropping back , so why has it been a wk until you called him, did he disappear or did you knock him back initially or what ?

ps ps , long term doesn't have to mean boring or unchallenged , the right person and things like that actually grow if anything. But alas , don't wanna hijack dis's thread either sorry dis or get into it because well , as l said in the other one.

But hey let us know how boat guy pans out , curious now .

Edited August 29, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

just wondering dropping back , so why has it been a wk until you called him, did he disappear or did you knock him back initially or what ?

Because when we met that day at the market (a week ago last Wed), I was actually dating someone but about to end it.  It was short term and we were not exclusive. 

He asked for my number but I took his instead.

A few days later I did end that relationship but wasn't in the right frame of mind to call. 

Today I felt inspired by something@Happy Lemming posted and called. 

All of this was explained in both this thread but mostly in my own recent thread, currently closed but may reopen. 

Back to the OP's situation.

PS. Any more questions, shoot me a PM, don't want to hijack Dis' thread further with my *.

 

Edited August 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

Haaa , nope . And sorry dis.

[HotRevolver93]

I’ve tried basically all the sites and no dice. I gave up like a year ago 

 

the only matches I ever got were bots and women trying to spam their social media accounts. Meanwhile I know dudes who are going on dates every week. It’s frustrating 

[Dis]

On 8/28/2021 at 7:08 AM, Alpaca said:

That's why I mentioned spark chasing vs. slow burn.

One burns slower, but it is brighter and takes longer to extinguish.

Do you think that's where the difficulty with internet dating lies?

Also, knowing which attraction style we are drawn to and the types of relationships we attract.

I'm not going anywhere with this; it's simply something to think about.

I'm not looking for anything unsustainable. I've been there done that with short term, steamy relationships and love bombing. Not looking for that. 

 

I'm just looking for something where I actually enjoy sitting across from the person and someone I feel chemistry with

 

I'm just tired of all the dull dates where instead of enjoying the other person, I'm just counting the minutes 

[Dis]

On 8/28/2021 at 7:40 AM, Alpaca said:

 

I don't have much experience with internet dating in general, so maybe Dis can provide some light on that?

 

 

 

Like cookies explained before, with OLD, chemistry and attraction is either there from the get go, or it never will be. 

 

Whereas if you meet someone in person and see them regularly, what starts as liking the person as a friend and maybe a little attracted (or maybe not at all) can grow into liking them as something more and being super attracted in every way. There's no pressure so feelings and attraction is fostered rather than stifled. 

 

There is no slow burn in OLD, not IMO at least. 

[Dis]

On 8/28/2021 at 10:06 PM, introverted1 said:

I think you are putting too much weight on stares. Maybe there's spinach stuck in your teeth.

Seriously, even if the stare is admiring, I think all women get these. Men tend to check out women more obviously than women check out men.  They're also better at compartmentalizing, so they can be admiring one aspect of a woman's physique while ignoring others.  It doesn't necessarily mean the guy staring wants to date you.  And while I've had my share of supermarket flirtations (like @poppyfields), if you're not regularly out and about and interacting with people in an environment where banter can develop, I don't think the average guy is going to cold approach a complete stranger. 

That said, if you think there is interest behind a stare, why don't you do the approaching?  At least a smile and hello.

First of all, you read my response wrong

 

Second of all, I'm not saying they want to date me just because they stare at me. 

 

 

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Dis]

On 8/28/2021 at 2:59 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Right, your question was about what motivates one to keep dating someone if there isn’t an initial spark…

 

To me it’s about your goal. Like anything in life really. One of the best “self-help” books I’ve read is called “The Happiness Trap” which explains how problematic it is to have as a goal “being happy.” What I and others refer to as “chasing feelings.”
It’s because as you’ve already noted, feelings just come and go and don’t mean much in the long run. So even if there is an initial spark, it can go, and come back etc. Most importantly, the initial spark doesn’t mean anything. 
 

From what I’ve read in your posts @poppyfields you’re chasing feelings. It’s that initial “high” that you’re after over anything else. That’s why you’re having a hard time understanding how people can continue without an initial spark. It’s because for many of us we know:

1. Our goal isn’t the initial feeling; it’s a healthy, long term relationship. 

2. The qualities that one must have to be in a healthy, long term relationship show up over time.

3. It’s those very qualities that can also lead to growing attraction over time. 

 

So you can date people with potential even if there isn’t immediate fireworks. Because the fireworks aren’t the goal. They’re nice, but pretty irrelevant in grand scheme of things.

Love this perspective
 

The only issue I have with it is, if you don't really like the person aka: feel a spark, why would you want to continue dating them?

 

Kinda sounds like an arranged marriage 

[Dis]

On 8/28/2021 at 3:39 PM, Alpaca said:

 

So was this based on personal experience? 

Tell us more, tell us more. Like, did he have a car?

Did he have a car?

 

What do you mean by that?

 

He was a psychologist with his own house, and yeah he had a car 

 

We kind of bonded over deep things right off the bat, mental health, family. I love convos like that because I hate small talk. I hate going through the motions of, where do you live? What are you're favorite hobbies. Yuck. I like gritty convos and real connections with sparks. 

[Dis]

On 8/28/2021 at 3:48 PM, poppyfields said:

What do you mean by "did he have a car"?   I mean in the context of this discussion. 

I hope Dis returns soon, she may be at work.

I love this thread though!  

Sounded like a dig but I'm not sure.. maybe Alpaca can explain

 

Like, 'was he the playa type dude with a white tank top and tattoos with amazing D ...lives with his mom' Lol 

[Dis]

On 8/28/2021 at 3:57 PM, Alpaca said:

I was referencing it from a song from the movie Grease. 

"Summer Nights"

You know, "tell me more, tell me more."

I was asking about Dis''s mention of a deep connection on a first date as quoted above.

 

 

 

Ahaahha! 

 

I get it now! That was cute 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Dis said:

The only issue I have with it is, if you don't really like the person aka: feel a spark, why would you want to continue dating them?

Not just that but what happens when a man physically escalates, like a kiss? 

Which they always do, can't get around it, even when it's been clear I'm not into them.  

If I'm not feeling that spark of chemistry, then to be blunt - yuck!  It would be like kissing my brother or cousin. 

That's a question I have always asked women who multi date too.  I know women who hardly like these men, let alone are attracted to them, so what does she do when he kisses her or attempts to have sexual relations? 

Cringe and bear it hoping eventually the spark of attraction will come later?

I can't do it, I have no desire to do it, unless as Dis said, it's a social circle or social environment wherein we see each other regularly and the sexual tension has a chance to build or as Alpaca called it "slow burn."

Jmo but I don't think relationships were meant to last forever.

Some do and that's great, but for me, I've had some great long term relationships that even though they did not go the distance, I learned from and valued. 

Even when I got hurt.

It's all a journey imo; we experience relationships and life, we learn, grow, evolve. 

That's kinda my philosophy at this point and if a relationship happens to go the distance, then fabulous, if not, that's okay too.

 

[Dis]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not just that but what happens when a man physically escalates, like a kiss? 

Which they always do, can't get around it, even when it's been clear I'm not into them.  

If I'm not feeling that spark of chemistry, then to be blunt - yuck!  It would be like kissing my brother or cousin. 

That's a question I have always asked women who multi date too.  I know women who hardly like these men, let alone are attracted to them, so what does she do when he kisses her or attempts to have sexual relations? 

Cringe and bear it hoping eventually the spark of attraction will come later?

I can't do it, I have no desire to do it, unless as Dis said, it's a social circle or social environment wherein we see each other regularly and the sexual tension has a chance to build or as Alpaca called it "slow burn."

Jmo but I don't think relationships were meant to last forever.

Some do and that's great, but for me, I've had some great long term relationships that even though they did not go the distance, I learned from and valued. 

Even when I got hurt.

It's all a journey imo; we experience relationships and life, we learn, grow, evolve. 

That's kinda my philosophy at this point and if a relationship happens to go the distance, then fabulous, if not, that's okay too.

 

Ugh yes!

 

One guy, pretty recently, tried to kiss me after the date. I felt nothing for him. Not really attracted. Yet again, couldn't wait for the date to end. Then he goes in for a kiss and moved really fast. Pecked my lips before I could pull away. 

 

I got in my car and audibly said, yuck 

 

I'm respect my time to much to spend it on people I don't feel much for and that includes even friends. I'd rather enjoy my own company. I'm pretty introverted too so this is another reason why I don't like hanging out with these 'meh' guys. It just feels exhausting and boring af. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

 If your goal is a healthy, long term relationship than people who have succeeded at achieving that would be the people to learn from.

Respect your opinion, but I think that interpersonal relationships tend to be a little more complex.  Like I said previously , healthy long term relationship looks different for everyone. There are people in long term relationships  healthy by all relative definitions, however they are not something that you or dis would find suitable. My parents, for example, were “spark chasers” who happen to have been  happily married for over 35. Their relationship is healthy and long-term, but not suitable for me. They also advise me against OLD.. Just saying  that online dating may not work for Dis, for a whole host of reasons, when it may work great for someone else 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Dis said:

I hate going through the motions of, where do you live? What are you're favorite hobbies. Yuck. I like gritty convos and real connections with sparks. 

Lol, wrong or right, I'm the same. 

I dislike those standard "qualifying" questions, I don't ask, and don't want him asking either.

Imo, if we begin dating, all those questions get answered naturally and organically as we get to know each other. 

Imo, they only get asked when there is no energy/chemistry anyway, as a way to pass time. 

Yawn.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Respect your opinion, but I think that interpersonal relationships tend to be a little more complex.  Like I said previously , healthy long term relationship looks different for everyone. There are people in long term relationships  healthy by all relative definitions, however they are not something that you or dis would find suitable. My parents, for example, were “spark chasers” who happen to have been  happily married for over 35. Their relationship is healthy and long-term, but not suitable for me. They also advise me against OLD.. Just saying  that online dating may not work for Dis, for a whole host of reasons, when it may work great for someone else 

Well said cookies.  

[Weezy1973]

59 minutes ago, Dis said:

The only issue I have with it is, if you don't really like the person aka: feel a spark, why would you want to continue dating them?

 

For me there were three categories of 1st dates: Yes, No, and Maybe. I wouldn’t go on a second date with a “no” but would with both the Yes and Maybe. Most often both the yes and maybe turned into a no, but sometimes a maybe would end up being a yes. It’s basically not putting too much importance on the earliest stages. Knowing that attraction can grow. But if you’re repulsed by someone, by no means would I recommend continuing to date them. 

[Weezy1973]

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Jmo but I don't think relationships were meant to last forever.

 

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We’re always acting on behalf of our current selves and our future selves. For example, we might forego that third glass of wine if we work the next morning because we know we’ll be less effective at work. Even if we really want to have a third glass. We’re acting for our future self and making the sacrifice for our current self.

 

If we expect that every relationship will inevitably end, we won’t be investing in our future relationship. So we’re kinder, more understanding, more willing to compromise, happier to work on communication if we believe we’re going to be together forever. But if we don’t believe it, when the struggles come we’re more likely to just bail. Relationships take work. And if you want them to last, you’re much more willing to do the work. 

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We’re always acting on behalf of our current selves and our future selves. For example, we might forego that third glass of wine if we work the next morning because we know we’ll be less effective at work. Even if we really want to have a third glass. We’re acting for our future self and making the sacrifice for our current self.

 

If we expect that every relationship will inevitably end, we won’t be investing in our future relationship. So we’re kinder, more understanding, more willing to compromise, happier to work on communication if we believe we’re going to be together forever. But if we don’t believe it, when the struggles come we’re more likely to just bail. Relationships take work. And if you want them to last, you’re much more willing to do the work. 

Weezy, thanks but you do you, I do me.

I'm fine. I'm happy with my life and how I choose to live it.

Let's leave it at that, okay? 

Thanks a bunch.

Edited August 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Weezy, thanks but you do you, I do me.

I'm fine. I'm happy with my life and how I choose to live it.

Let's leave it at that, okay? 

Thanks a bunch.

Of course, not meant to be offensive at all. Just a fact. Nobody needs to want a “rest of your life” relationship and if you don’t that’s great. People have all sorts of relationships, open relationships, one night stands, FWB etc, all good. No judgment.