*Who Else Has Sworn Off Online Dating?*

[Maldives]

Just deleted all mine this morning. At least you get dates haha. I'd give it more of a go if I got more matches. I go off it then back on but ye your right it doesn't/hasn't worked for me. Tried all sorts of approaches different photos taken feedback then when I do finally have a date they are back on line immediately which makes me feel like a waste of my time and effort. Or a bunch of other things lots of baggage etc. I'll probably get back on again then get off again then on lol. Would prefer to meet some one more organically. I think my confidence has dropped too as been single now for a few yrs. I just think God what do woman want what are they looking for? it never use to be this difficult ten yrs ago. 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Goodguy05

[chillii]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

The phrase “the blind leading the blind” comes to mind when I read this thread…

Crosses my mind on just about every thread around ls sorry to say.

There seems to be sadly so little concept of how it all works not only date sites.

 

 

 

[chillii]

6 hours ago, Dis said:

I guess what I mean by not feeling much for these guys is I just want to meet someone who captures my attention and someone I have a deeper connection with...and yeah that can happen on the first date. It did for my years ago when I met someone on OLD but it is rare.

 

 

I guess I'm just not in the mood for anything that's not rare

Of course it's rare , and that's what you look for before you even bother, forget the rest , well unless someone is just after some fun to nowhere.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

There seems to be sadly so little concept of how it all works not only date sites.

I agree, I have absolutely no clue.

Care to share your wisdom chillii, Weezy too.  I'm open and love learning new concepts and ways to improve.

I'm being serious!   You (and Weezy) made the statement, please share your knowledge and insight.

Thanks! 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Dis said:

I guess what I mean by not feeling much for these guys is I just want to meet someone who captures my attention and someone I have a deeper connection with...and yeah that can happen on the first date. It did for my years ago when I met someone on OLD but it is rare.

 

 

I guess I'm just not in the mood for anything that's not rare

That's why I mentioned spark chasing vs. slow burn.

One burns slower, but it is brighter and takes longer to extinguish.

Do you think that's where the difficulty with internet dating lies?

Also, knowing which attraction style we are drawn to and the types of relationships we attract.

I'm not going anywhere with this; it's simply something to think about.

[poppyfields]

Alpaca, can you explain the slow burn?

cookies likened it to meeting in a social situation where you see the person regularly and slowly build rapport, attraction develops and sexual tension builds.

I find that exciting!

But unless one has a social circle where they see people on a regular basis, how would that work?  Weekly meetups, work?

When meeting new people either on line or IRL, if you don't feel an immediate "spark" (attraction, sexual tension), what's the motivation to keep it going?

Would that not be akin to making a new friend?  

Is that what you mean, a "friends first" type of situation?  And see what, if anything, develops from that?  Allowing for a slow burn?

Genuine questions, like I said, I'm open to learning new concepts and ways to improve my "game" for lack of a better word.

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Alpaca, can you explain the slow burn?

cookies likened it to meeting in a social situation where you see the person regularly and slowly build rapport, attraction develops and sexual tension builds.

I find that exciting!

But unless one has a social circle where they see people on a regular basis, how would that work?  

When meeting new people either on line or IRL, if you don't feel an immediate "spark" (attraction, sexual tension), what's the motivation to keep it going?

Would that not be akin to making a new friend?  

Is that what you mean, a "friends first" type of situation?  And see what, if anything, develops from that?  Allowing for a slow burn?

Genuine questions, like I said, I'm open to learning new concepts and ways to improve my "game" for lack of a better word.

Well, I'd have to dig into the specifics of a personal example from my past on here (which I'll decline for the time being because it's simply my own experience with it).

However, I compare it to a slow build that fosters a deeper emotional connection over time.

But you raise some excellent points in relation to internet dating.

I don't have much experience with internet dating in general, so maybe Dis can provide some light on that?

 

 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I compare it to a slow build that fosters a deeper emotional connection over time.

Agree, but a deeper emotional connection over time happens when there is an immediate attraction as well, imo and experience.

One doesn't just meet, feel attraction, sexual tension and connect on a deep emotional level. 

That takes time to develop and build.  But in my experience, not much is gonna happen if there is no initial attraction (with regard to meeting new people).. 

So yeah a bit confusing.

I have no problem meeting men IRL, and have had both long and short term relationships.

I'm happy on my own but it would be nice to have something click and stick but I find romance so fleeting, which is my fault too, but it can be exhausting.

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Dis said:

Approach women IRL. I feel like it's a dying art men just don't practice anymore. I rarely ever get approached. I get stares and then they look away and walk off. Ugh I hate it because I won't bite! I mean, I totally get why men are hesitant but just talking to a woman doesn't hurt anyone and if she's not interested you move on.

I think you are putting too much weight on stares. Maybe there's spinach stuck in your teeth.

Seriously, even if the stare is admiring, I think all women get these. Men tend to check out women more obviously than women check out men.  They're also better at compartmentalizing, so they can be admiring one aspect of a woman's physique while ignoring others.  It doesn't necessarily mean the guy staring wants to date you.  And while I've had my share of supermarket flirtations (like @poppyfields), if you're not regularly out and about and interacting with people in an environment where banter can develop, I don't think the average guy is going to cold approach a complete stranger. 

That said, if you think there is interest behind a stare, why don't you do the approaching?  At least a smile and hello.

[Beachead]

51 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

When meeting new people either on line or IRL, if you don't feel an immediate "spark" (attraction, sexual tension), what's the motivation to keep it going?

That immediate spark is based on who you "think" a person is rather than who they really are which is problematic because many people are great at presenting a great facade in the beginning while many are terrible but BOTH groups can be different when you get to know them on the regular.  

Some people can be shy and introverted and quiet in the beginning, but actually turn out to be funny and full of interesting ideas.  Maybe you realize, you like the person you're becoming when you're with them.  They show you something you didn't realize about yourself or life.  Or they could be charming in the beginning, but turn out to be an abusive a**hole. 

Looking for the spark does not factor that everybody needs time to warm up and learn about one another. It also makes you untrustworthy because a sound decision isn't being made about a person, based on anything real.  And they know that.  You don't.  But they do.   You don't think they might wonder.. "Well what if she finds out that I'm not always social like this?  That I need my downtime"  Now that person feels pressure to maintain the facade.   They feel insecure.  Stressed.   It's the equivalent of a man seeing a woman all first time and "Falling in love" just because of the artwork on her face.  What is he "Falling in love" with when he doesn't know her.

Right from the get go, using this as your base already sets the whole thing up for disaster.

Building report and quality relationships over time is superior to this, because it's far more likely to last for the longterm, should that be your goal.  

Having said that, you should never get to know people because you want a relationship.  You live your life and focus on your goals and the right people will connect with you over time.

Quote

But unless one has a social circle where they see people on a regular basis, how would that work?  Weekly meetups, work?

And that's the problem with the world today.  Things are so busy for everybody, that there's no longer any time and very few avenues to cultivate strong relationships in this manner anymore.  Hence, why online dating was born to exploit and simplify this process.  But..as many of us can clearly see, it's a giant sh*tshow.

 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Beachead

[Alpacalia]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Agtee, but a deeper emotional connection over time happens when there is an immediate attraction as well, imo and experience.

One doesn't just meet, feel attraction, sexual tension and connect on a deep emotional level. 

That takes time to develop and build.  But in my experience, not much is gonna happen if there is no initial attraction (with regard to meeting new people).. 

So yeah a bit confusing.

I have no problem meeting men IRL, and have both long and short term relationships.

I'm happy on my own but it would be nice to have something click and stick but I find romance so fleeting, which is my fault too, but it can be exhausting.

 

"Agtee, but a deeper emotional connection over time happens when there is an immediate attraction as well, imo and experience."

Yes sometimes.

My first "love" was someone I dated for four years who I initially disliked (he disliked me as well) and was not physically attracted to, but that all changed over time. It contained all of the essential components (only problem was we were too young at the time).

"Click and stick" lol - funny. 

 

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Beachead said:

That immediate spark is based on who you "think" a person is rather than who they really are which is problematic because many people are great at presenting a great facade in the beginning while many are terrible but BOTH groups can be different when you get to know them on the regular.  

Some people can be shy and introverted and quiet in the beginning, but actually turn out to be funny and full of interesting ideas.  Maybe you realize, you like the person you're becoming when you're with them.  They show you something you didn't realize about yourself or life.  Or they could be charming in the beginning, but turn out to be an abusive a**hole.

Also, chasing the "Spark" makes you untrustworthy because you're not making a sound decision about the person based on anything real.  And they know that.   Then they might be wondering, "Well what if she finds out that I'm not always like this?"  Now that person feels pressure to maintain the facade.   They feel insecure.  Stressed.   It's the equivalent of a man seeing a woman all first time and "Falling in love" just because of the artwork on her face.

Right from the get go, using this as your base has already set the whole thing up for disaster.

Building report and quality relationships over time is superior to this, because it's far more likely to last for the longterm, should that be your goal.

And that's the problem with the world today.  Things are so busy for everybody, that there's no longer any time and very few avenues to cultivate strong relationships in this manner anymore.  Hence, why online dating was born to exploit and simplify this process.  But..as many of us can clearly see, it's a giant sh*tshow.

I understand all that @Beachead, the idealization.   But it has to start somewhere, which is an initial attraction for many people.  

From there, you date, and learn about each other, the blinders come off and you begin seeing "real" versus the "facade." 

It's a process, part of the journey.

But you still have not answered the question, when there is no initial spark of attraction and tension, what is the motivation to keep going?  

Unless like I asked, it's a "friends first" sitch and allowing for a possible romance to develop from that, which most people are not inclined to want to do.

Talking about meeting in real life, not online interactions which are a whole different thing imo and experience.

Anyhoo, apologies for all the questions, brain spinning this morning!

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Johnjohnson2017]

13 hours ago, Dis said:

I get a lot of stares too G and most men do not approach me. But I have had a couple do so recently. 

 

I agree that with OLD you know the persons details in advance, right off the bat so you know if they're worth your time so that's a plus. 

 

But, the draw back to me is it feels forced when I meet them. Like if one or both of us isn't feeling it you know we're stuck there for a bit anyway. Feels like a lot of pressure. I think the problem with OLD is you skip over the friendship, casual getting to know each other phase and you jump right to dating. I think that's a flawed approach. I met my now ex at work and at first I wasn't attracted physically but over time once I got to know him I learned how amazing he was an attraction built fron there. I don't feel like that happens with OLD. It's too fast paced and pressured for things to just flow naturally. 

"But, the draw back to me is it feels forced when I meet them. Like if one or both of us isn't feeling it you know we're stuck there for a bit anyway. Feels like a lot of pressure. I think the problem with OLD is you skip over the friendship, casual getting to know each other phase and you jump right to dating. I think that's a flawed approach. I met my now ex at work and at first I wasn't attracted physically but over time once I got to know him I learned how amazing he was an attraction built fron there. I don't feel like that happens with OLD. It's too fast paced and pressured for things to just flow naturally."

You're spot on with the above comment. With internet dating, it's all about physical attraction, first impression. If you or the other person is meh, you are done. I've had co-workers who were meh to me physically initially then that changed with time and eventually I found them very attractive. Sometimes it takes me a while before I become attracted to someone. 

Also, with internet dating, before meeting the person your mind starts fantasizing about what the other person looks like. If the other person doesn't match your fantasy, you're disappointed. 

Meeting people through work is probably the best way to find someone for a long term relationship. You spend many hours together and get to know each other well. You have time to get to know each other. Meeting through friends can work too but I don't think it's as effective as through work. 

[Beachead]

@poppyfields

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

But you still have not answered the question, when there is no initial spark of attraction and tension, what is the motivation to keep going?  

Thanks for the response. 

Personal development.   That's my answer.   ..it sounds lame yea?  I assure you it isn't.  

Meeting and interacting with new people is still practice on how to socialize.  You can learn how to listen.  How to use your eyes and your body language to communicate.  You can learn how to read people.  How to overcome social anxiety if you feel it when you're speaking to someone for the first time.  How to become adaptable.   There are tons of things you can practice socially.

And not just that. Bouncing ideas and thoughts off of eachother expands perspective just like travelling allows us to see how different places differ culturally, politically, economically, through first-hand experience.   And if you introspect, then the more you experience, the more you come to understand who you are at your core and what you want for yourself and you become progressively grounded.  The new people I meet, I meet on my own journey, and are just part of my process. I became a better person for it which made me a better person for the people I love.  

If the people I meet end up turning out to be someone who inspires me to want to keep in touch with them, then I will.  If not, then I let it go.  If something ens up turning into a relationship, then it is far likely to last. 

But I don't really search and/or meet people wondering if I can date them or not, anymore, and I've practiced that for a number of years now.  Banking on people for worth, purpose an happiness is begging for burn out and if or when that happens, the world isn't going to reach down and give you a hug.  It'll expect you to perform.  If you can't, then you're in trouble, unless you've got real support from good family/friends.   

So yea, don't see people as dating potential.   See them as human beings.  Talk to them.  Connect wit them and enjoy the process and learn.  I always tell people on here and outside, work on yourself and learn to be solid on your own.  Everything else will follow.   

- Beach

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Beachead

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

But you still have not answered the question, when there is no initial spark of attraction and tension, what is the motivation to keep going?  

First, it’s not one or the other. Life is shades of gray. It might not be “OMG I want to rip of their clothes immediately!!!!” But that doesn’t mean it’s “eeewww gross, would not touch with a ten foot pole” either. There’s a very large middle ground in there. It’s the area where attraction can grow over time (like with Dis’s ex). So no immediate attraction, but it develops when you get to know the person better. 
 

As for OLD, read @Gaeta’s thread. Essentially a masterclass on how you can translate this idea to OLD.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@poppyfields

Thanks for the response. 

Personal development.   That's my answer.   ..it sounds lame yea?  I assure you it isn't.  

Meeting and interacting with new people is still practice on how to socialize.  You can learn how to listen.  How to use your eyes and your body language to communicate.  You can learn how to read people.  How to overcome social anxiety if you feel it when you're speaking to someone for the first time.  How to become adaptable.   There are tons of things you can practice socially.

And not just that. Bouncing ideas and thoughts off of eachother expands perspective just like travelling allows us to see how different places differ culturally, politically, economically, through first-hand experience.   And if you introspect, then the more you experience, the more you come to understand who you are at your core and what you want for yourself and you become progressively grounded.  The new people I meet, I meet on my own journey, and are just part of my process. I became a better person for it which made me a better person for the people I love.  

If the people I meet end up turning out to be someone who inspires me to want to keep in touch with them, then I will.  If not, then I let it go.  If something ens up turning into a relationship, then it is far likely to last. 

But I don't really search and/or meet people wondering if I can date them or not, anymore, and I've practiced that for a number of years now.  Banking on people for worth, purpose an happiness is begging for burn out and if or when that happens, the world isn't going to reach down and give you a hug.  It'll expect you to perform.  If you can't, then you're in trouble, unless you've got real support from good family/friends.   

So yea, don't see people as dating potential.   See them as human beings.  Talk to them.  Connect wit them and enjoy the process and learn.  I always tell people on here and outside, work on yourself and learn to be solid on your own.  Everything else will follow.   

- Beach

 

Thanks!  I hear ya.   I invite you to read my recent thread about meeting random man in supermarket! 

I'm typically extremely nervous/shy (trembly? lol) when I first meet a man I'm "attracted to" but with him I was open and friendly.

He asked for my number but I took his.

Timing was bad cause I was just ending a short term relationship (same thread), so have not called, like you said I just dont feel inspired to anymore.

But even with him (supermarket guy) I felt an immediate attraction!  

No way around it I guess, how I'm wired.

It's funny, I was thinking if I had given him my number like he asked OR we had at least exchanged numbers and HE called me, if that gesture, HIM calling me, would be enough to inspire me again.

As it stands now, with the ball in my court, which is where I asked it to be, I no longer feel inspired.

It's the ole man pursue woman thing.  I like to think I'm this liberated evolved woman who is OK calling a man, but maybe deep down I'm not.

@Cookiesandoughposted there is still that little girl in us that wants to be pursued by her prince and as silly as it sounds, maybe there is still some truth to that, on some level. 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

53 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

As for OLD, read @Gaeta’s thread. Essentially a masterclass on how you can translate this idea to OLD.

Lol, yeah it definitely works for G, but I am not G and already explained why it does not work for me. 

Can't force myself to feel comfortable with something I'm not comfortable with.  Nor do I have any desire to.  On line dating, not for me. 

Real life works better for ME, and again I meet a lot of men that way, no problem there whatsoever.

 I even have random men approach, heck I have random women saying hi and approaching! Lol

Last night walking home for example, had some random dude attempting to walk with me.

That wasn't my question Weezy but thanks. 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But you still have not answered the question, when there is no initial spark of attraction and tension, what is the motivation to keep going? 

Many years ago, I met this woman at a party.  After chit-chatting at the party, I asked for her number and we went out the next weekend.  The date was OK, but I felt like I was doing way too much work to keep the conversation going.  I misinterpreted her lack of conversation as disinterest.  Also, it didn't look she did much to prepare for our date.  (Old pair of jeans and a shirt, minimal make-up, etc.)  There was no spark (for me) during the date and I had made my mind up that there wouldn't be a date number two.

When we got back to her apartment, she invited me in and we ended up having sex.  It was mind-blowing and I wanted more.  So I did ask her out on a date number 2 and 3 and so-on.  As I got to know her better, she opened up and had some great stories.  She turned out to be a really fun person.  I was quite fond of her and the attraction grew.

So maybe this is the slow-burn vs. initial spark that is being discussed.  As I got to know this woman more and more, I found I really enjoyed her company. 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many years ago, I met this woman at a party.  After chit-chatting at the party, I asked for her number and we went out the next weekend.  The date was OK, but I felt like I was doing way too much work to keep the conversation going.  I misinterpreted her lack of conversation as disinterest.  Also, it didn't look she did much to prepare for our date.  (Old pair of jeans and a shirt, minimal make-up, etc.)  There was no spark (for me) during the date and I had made my mind up that there wouldn't be a date number two.

When we got back to her apartment, she invited me in and we ended up having sex.  It was mind-blowing and I wanted more.  So I did ask her out on a date number 2 and 3 and so-on.  As I got to know her better, she opened up and had some great stories.  She turned out to be a really fun person.  I was quite fond of her and the attraction grew.

So maybe this is the slow-burn vs. initial spark that is being discussed.  As I got to know this woman more and more, I found I really enjoyed her company. 

Thank you!  It's giving people a second (or third) chance to light your fire, when they did not the first time. Makes sense! 

But then the question becomes, once that fire is lit (that spark), you are back with keeping it alive when all the other **** begins creeping in.

Which it always does eventually whether it takes weeks, months, years. 

Maybe I will have to learn to be okay with that and not become so exhausted by it.

Right now after just ending a relationship I truly believed had a lot of potential to go the distance until the realities of life crept in, just feeling a bit disappointed, that's all.

I'm not the thread starter but hopefully all these posts will be of some value to Dis too.

 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

That's why I mentioned spark chasing vs. slow burn.

One burns slower, but it is brighter and takes longer to extinguish.

Do you think that's where the difficulty with internet dating lies?

Also, knowing which attraction style we are drawn to and the types of relationships we attract.

I'm not going anywhere with this; it's simply something to think about.

It’s about ability to make choices.  I think most looking are shooting for the rare unrealistic 110% perfect matches over the decent 80s % matches.

 

early strong chemistry could mean a quick die out based on differences in big areas.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

But then the question becomes, once that fire is lit (that spark), you are back with keeping it alive when all the other **** begins creeping in.

Which it always does eventually whether it takes weeks, months, years.

 

Not every relationship goes the distance and becomes rainbows and unicorns.

I was dating this other woman and things were great.  We had a lot in common.  We read the same authors, enjoyed the same foods and were quite compatible in bed.  Everything was going well...  except for her drinking.  She had a tendency to drink heavy, especially when she was off for a couple of days from work (her schedule varied).  I tried to look past it.  I made bargains with myself.  I tried to convince myself it was OK, but in the end I couldn't take it and had to say goodbye.

Yes... even with the "slow burn"/slow developing positive relationships, negative "crap" does sneak its way in.  I think most people can put on a good facade for up to 3 months (maximum 6 months), at that point the "real" individual comes to light.  At least that has been my experience.

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Right now after just ending a relationship I truly believed had a lot of potential to go the distance until the realities of life crept in, just feeling a bit disappointed, that's all.

I get it... and yes I've been there, as well.  (too many times to count)

Unfortunately, it is just part of dating. 

I am sorry things didn't work out for you and that gentleman.

[Happy Lemming]

17 hours ago, Dis said:

I get a lot of stares too G and most men do not approach me.

 

What is stopping you from approaching them and introducing yourself?? 

If you find the guy is attractive and your eyes meet, go over and say "Hello".  Talk to people, it's OK!

About two years ago, I had a woman neighbor give me her business card while I was working in my yard.  initially, I thought she was just trying to drum up business, but about a week later I saw her again while I was bike riding (she was jogging).  She stopped me asked if I wanted to get a cup of coffee.  I explained to her I thought she was quite attractive, but I was in a long term relationship.  Apparently, she had heard from other neighbors that I was single and lived alone (which is true).

This woman took a chance on trying to meet a new guy, you can too.

[poppyfields]

Lemming, your post was for Dis, but it just gave me the inspiration I needed to call supermarket guy!!  

Stepping out of comfort zone and am gonna do it!! 

 

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lemming, your post was for Dis, but it just gave me the inspiration I needed to call supermarket guy!!  

Stepping out of comfort zone and am gonna do it!! 

 

YEA!! That is GREAT news!!

Go for it!!  (got my fingers crossed)

Please keep us updated!!

[Alvi]

Online dating sucks big time. I have zero success at it. But nobody approaches me at the grocery store or anywhere else either. Even if I join some activity or a group, I doubt that guys are going to ask me out. Or that they are going to approach me at all. Men usually find me invisible. I was told many times that I am not bad looking but that's it.  Have no clue at this point as to where to meet men. I tried and tried and tried and every single time it goes nowhere. 

OK, I apologize for my long rant.