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*Who Else Has Sworn Off Online Dating?*

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

To me a “long burn” suggests more that you’ve gotten to know someone in a neutral setting, established a connection more slowly, and then decided that you wanted to take it to a romantic lvl..
 

That’s like the antithesis of online dating. It’s definition of cart before horse. Everyone is there for a specific reason(relationship/sex etc)  and then you meet up for drinks to see if they make they the cut. It’s really awkward to me 

A long burn can just mean a slower burning spark.

The spark chasing can lead to those heart wrenching breakups where you feel like you've been punched in the gut. 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Posted
21 hours ago, Dis said:

*Who Else Has Sworn Off Online Dating?*

Take breaks. You don't have to forget the whole idea if you are burned out from it.

Just regroup, reflect, do some real-life real-people stuff

You can always get a fresh profile and pics on some quality dating apps  if/when you feel like it again.

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Well....l met over 200 men for a first meeting and they all looked like their pictures. Some boosted their height but no more than 2 or 3 over the years. I'm lucky people look good and take care of themselves here. 

You can actually feel the person, catch their vibe, hear their voice, take note of their mannerisms and the way they walk. You get the full picture of who that person.

l experience that when l meet them in real -4-5 days after our first contact. Not a big deal to me. At least when l meet them l know their basic contrary to a stranger in the metro station.

Over the years l was approached by men in public places but it never amounted to anything. They may looked good right away to me but the lack of of a previous conversation told me nothing about them in terms of age, kids, job, how long single, etc. Also they came toward me soly based on my looks and weren't too interested in 'talking' but lots of interest in staring. 

Last time l was single took me 3 years online 200 meetings to meet my ex. This time around took me 6 weeks and 15 meetings to meet my current guy. It's like gambling and you have to accept it's like that.

I get a lot of stares too G and most men do not approach me. But I have had a couple do so recently. 

 

I agree that with OLD you know the persons details in advance, right off the bat so you know if they're worth your time so that's a plus. 

 

But, the draw back to me is it feels forced when I meet them. Like if one or both of us isn't feeling it you know we're stuck there for a bit anyway. Feels like a lot of pressure. I think the problem with OLD is you skip over the friendship, casual getting to know each other phase and you jump right to dating. I think that's a flawed approach. I met my now ex at work and at first I wasn't attracted physically but over time once I got to know him I learned how amazing he was an attraction built fron there. I don't feel like that happens with OLD. It's too fast paced and pressured for things to just flow naturally. 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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9 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

I seem to have the worst luck online … I think I’m done with it.maybe one last shot because it’s all I have tho 😂
Trying to even get a match from anyone is hard enough let alone a reply. Being super picky doesn’t help either , but why settle? I know instantly if I find someone attractive or not and their eyes usually have a big part to play because they can be so telling of deeper things. (Got have attractive eyes cos you’ll be staring at them forever more) 


I’ve wasted so much money time and self respect with it. I’m not exactly your classic ugly, never married and no kids, so I don’t know what the problem is apart from my location, but my lifestyle allows me to live quite freely and travel or vacation when and where I want. Dare say I’m a hidden diamond as my friend tells me.
Trying to make anyone see your qualities past your photo’s is hard. Most local women here assume that if you're good looking then you're a player , so they settle for a 5, meanwhile they’re a 9.
It’s an odd phenomenon here but it’s keeps them in control. That last  statement was straight from the horses mouth. Not sure she would appreciate me calling her a horse , but so be it ! 


 


 

No I hear you on that phenomenon and as a woman I'm guilty of it. I would prefer an average looking guy over a really hot one because based on my experiences the fine af guys are trouble. It's the average dudes who will treat you well. I sound prejudicial! 😆 I'm sorry! 

 

But I will say with OLD attraction doesn't build the way it does when you meet IRL so I prefer guys I'm immediately attracted to when I use OLD....but that causes problems too down the line depending on the guy

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, well the event was moderated so no chance of any impropriety but that was funny Fox. :classic_laugh:

To answer your question quoted above, I didn't feel a "connection" with anyone, although I had fun and find the concept interesting.  Because I do believe in vibes and energy, more so than physical appearance.

But physical attraction is important!  A great physique speaks volumes imo.  And yes, the eyes.  A man's eyes can be intense and haunting.

I think it's all related, for me.

I find plenty of men "attractive" but not "attracted to" them which goes deeper, again for me.  It's energy, chemistry, even spiritually, again for me.

Anyway, to answer your question, no, people were attractive objectively not due to their energy/vibe.

They were in good shape, their physical features were attractive.

I think the natural assumption re those who attend such events is that they are unattractive, but surprisingly that was not the case. 

 

I agreee poppy

 

My ex was not a conventionally attractive man but his personality was 🔥 I wasn't physically attracted to him at first but omg, his energy and voice and humor swept me off my feet. 

 

So yeap, energy, vibes, personality can sky rocket attraction

 

But like I said above, that doesn't happen as much for me on OLD. Attraction doesn't build that way. Either it's there from the get go or its not. 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
44 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

A long burn can just mean a slower burning spark.

The spark chasing can lead to those heart wrenching breakups where you feel like you've been punched in the gut. 

Oh okay I see what you mean… but how does that pertain to not wanting to sit on a date with someone you aren’t feeling it with? You don’t have to feel strong instant “sparks” but I think most OLDers need some semblance of attraction t in personality, looks, the way they present themselves etc, to ignite even the slow burn, ( after all, if it’s not there, it’s so easy to pass on that person and go find another stranger where that came from) but these things can be so vastly different in person. Like the whole impression of a person can be completely different even if they aren’t using filters/misrepresenting themselves. “Pics” and a short bio can miss so much. It’s a little more than a blind date with no mutual link. 
 

And it is a little awkward to just dip out on a date with a stranger you aren’t feeling when you get there when you were attracted enough by said pics and bio to show up in the first place . It’s not unusual to go through the motions out of politeness. 
 

I just find the thing really tragic in a lot of ways lol 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Dis Established Member

Dis

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6 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

To me a “long burn” suggests more that you’ve gotten to know someone in a neutral setting, established a connection more slowly, and then decided that you wanted to take it to a romantic lvl..
 

That’s like the antithesis of online dating. It’s definition of cart before horse. Everyone is there for a specific reason(relationship/sex etc)  and then you meet up for drinks to see if they make they the cut. It’s really awkward to me 

Ahhhh exactly!

 

100% this ^^^^

 

And yeah, I'm so tired of the awkward meet ups...so draining 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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54 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

A long burn can just mean a slower burning spark.

The spark chasing can lead to those heart wrenching breakups where you feel like you've been punched in the gut. 

I guess what I mean by not feeling much for these guys is I just want to meet someone who captures my attention and someone I have a deeper connection with...and yeah that can happen on the first date. It did for my years ago when I met someone on OLD but it is rare.

 

 

I guess I'm just not in the mood for anything that's not rare

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
28 minutes ago, Dis said:

I agreee poppy

 

My ex was not a conventionally attractive man but his personality was 🔥 I wasn't physically attracted to him at first but omg, his energy and voice and humor swept me off my feet. 

 

So yeap, energy, vibes, personality can sky rocket attraction

 

But like I said above, that doesn't happen as much for me on OLD. Attraction doesn't build that way. Either it's there from the get go or its not. 

Makes sense Dis.  We are two Cancer girls with strong Gemini influence!  lol  😂

And yes I agree with OLDing there is this pressure to "connect," and for some reason, for me anyway, because of that pressure to connect, we won't connect!   

Not the type of connection I prefer which is not solely based on physical appearance, which I think it is for most guys and many women too.  

And it can be awkward and uncomfortable when the guy is thinking we have this magnificent "connection" (based on appearance), and I am sitting there feeling "meh."  :rolleyes:

Anyway for me, it's ALL of it.  Energy/chemistry/vibe/appearance, it's ALL related and it all has to be there otherwise it won't work for me and frankly, I'd rather be on my own if it's not happening.  

I am actually fine on my own too. 

Edited by poppyfields
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted
5 minutes ago, Dis said:

I guess what I mean by not feeling much for these guys is I just want to meet someone who captures my attention and someone I have a deeper connection with...and yeah that can happen on the first date. It did for my years ago when I met someone on OLD but it is rare.

I guess I'm just not in the mood for anything that's not rare

Bolded, my sentiments exactly!  And yes it IS rare to find that, very rare.  I can count on one hand how many times in my life I have made a deeper connection like that.  Even with some of my ex's, I didn't have a deep connection like that.

But at this point in my life, since I am happy on my own too, I won't settle for anything less.

 

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Dis said:

No I hear you on that phenomenon and as a woman I'm guilty of it. I would prefer an average looking guy over a really hot one because based on my experiences the fine af guys are trouble. It's the average dudes who will treat you well. I sound prejudicial! 😆 I'm sorry! 

 

But I will say with OLD attraction doesn't build the way it does when you meet IRL so I prefer guys I'm immediately attracted to when I use OLD....but that causes problems too down the line depending on the guy

Thank you, so it isn’t just here that happens.  
Sigh …that’s a real shame.
You’ve really opened my eyes to a few things and joined a few dots. Although I wouldn’t put myself in the fine af bracket , I’m still well above average for my area (got all my own teeth 😂) 

You’ve really helped me out. I’m actually going to not bother with OLD from this moment if I can help it. Underneath the mask is a very sensitive old soul, and there’s no way in this lifetime I’ll ever convey any of me through a photo unless she’s super intuitive! 

 

 

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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Posted
1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, my sentiments exactly!  And yes it IS rare to find that, very rare.  I can count on one hand how many times in my life I have made a deeper connection like that.  Even with some of my ex's, I didn't have a deep connection like that.

But at this point in my life, since I am happy on my own too, I won't settle for anything less.

 

Exactly . Finding someone who has a synergy and encompasses everything that you are, just as you do in them… 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Underneath the mask is a very sensitive old soul, and there’s no way in this lifetime I’ll ever convey any of me through a photo unless she’s super intuitive! 

You're right, not the photo, that was my point earlier.  Can't tell jack **** from a photo, they are basically useless imo because often times their real life presence won't match the "image" presented by the photo, and that real life presence can either be less compelling or more compelling.

It (their real life presence) very rarely matches the "image" you had of them from the photo.  My experience.

Another reason why I prefer meeting IRL.

In any event Foxy, a few minutes talking to you, even on line, I think it's very apparent you are quite sensitive AND spiritual and I don't think a woman has to necessarily be all that intuitive either to determine that.  💛

Edited by poppyfields
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Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Dis said:

I get a lot of stares too G and most men do not approach me. But I have had a couple do so recently. 

 

I agree that with OLD you know the persons details in advance, right off the bat so you know if they're worth your time so that's a plus. 

 

But, the draw back to me is it feels forced when I meet them. Like if one or both of us isn't feeling it you know we're stuck there for a bit anyway. Feels like a lot of pressure. I think the problem with OLD is you skip over the friendship, casual getting to know each other phase and you jump right to dating. I think that's a flawed approach. I met my now ex at work and at first I wasn't attracted physically but over time once I got to know him I learned how amazing he was an attraction built fron there. I don't feel like that happens with OLD. It's too fast paced and pressured for things to just flow naturally. 

Not how OLD works….

 

ive never expected to make out sleep with someone I just met face to face.

 

I talk to thrm a little before meeting to at least measure conversation.

 

the first meet does not need to be a & hr commitment which is why peop,es et up a meet for an hr with an easy out.

 

your experience with coworker is how one should expect in OLD fir success.  Meeting (1) you talk and get to know. If you have a good time talking and the seem decent thrn you have a second meeting.  Still ifthings go well and no red flags, you meet again. Attraction develops over time.  For me attraction comes from knowing a person.

sure too many jump off the boat after the first meet expecting fantasyland.  There have been many behavior studies on how peopledecide things which can apply to dating.

 

say you are in the store and someone is wanting you to try’s new product.  If they have say 3-5 different flavors customers pick one, buy, and buy again. If you have 15+ different flavors peop,e can’t decide one one, don’t buy, don’t buy again.  The same thing can be said in online dating where many times people were very good matches. Had they net in real life and without many choices, these two likrly would  have dated multiple  times…and possibly get married.  Instead it’s one date and done because peop,e online see thst there are other potentials out there and pass over good choices.

 

in economics there is a maximizer vs satisfyer behavior. Maximizer shopping behavior is someone looking around the mall looking fir a shirt.  They saw the first one they liked but wondered if it was the best one at the best price.  They  put it back and shop around. In the meantime another shopper comes in. Sees it, likes it, buys it. Thry maximizer comes back looking to buy and it’s gone.  
 

From my non online dating experience I rarely had success in random meets.  For me it was from gradually getting to know someone like you go to a friends social gathering and meet someone there.  At another time you meet this person again and talk more. Maybe after a third meet you ask about a date.  For me this hasn’t happened much post college years.  Because besides initial meeting and conversation unlike college where most are single, many are now married or involved so it’s a harder filter.  Sure you coukd live in a place like a downtown city like New York where it skews toward a more single population.  This is not the norm.

 

 

 

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Dis said:

I guess what I mean by not feeling much for these guys is I just want to meet someone who captures my attention and someone I have a deeper connection with...and yeah that can happen on the first date. It did for my years ago when I met someone on OLD but it is rare.

 

 

I guess I'm just not in the mood for anything that's not rare


 

thst deeper connection us unrealistic on a first random meet nor on a first date.  On poppy fields dating thread recently I shared a story of me meeting someone probably like the one you describe. She was already engaged and going to get married.  She even said that if that wasn’t the case we might have pursued something.

 

that kind of thing might have happened only a few times in my life.  It’s not something I look for. I’m a realist

 

 

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

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23 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Exactly . Finding someone who has a synergy and encompasses everything that you are, just as you do in them… 

But on date 1 is near impossible…too much Cinderella fantasyland.

 

it might happen if over time of some dating.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Dis said:

No I hear you on that phenomenon and as a woman I'm guilty of it. I would prefer an average looking guy over a really hot one because based on my experiences the fine af guys are trouble. It's the average dudes who will treat you well. I sound prejudicial! 😆 I'm sorry! 

 

I have an idea.   How about not judging a man based on looks at all, and go by how well you vibe together, your energy?

I have known plenty of great guys who are hot AF, who are not "players" or "trouble," that is a total misnomer.

And contrast to that, conventionally average looking guys who were total players!

Of course, there needs to be a physical attraction (which is subjective), and as I said earlier, a strong well toned physique is important to me only because I keep in shape too, and with a combination like that, the physical chemistry can be powerful!  And I need for that to be there.

But that's not all there is.  Without the mental, emotional and spiritual energy, nothing much is gonna happen, not for me.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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26 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

But on date 1 is near impossible…too much Cinderella fantasyland.

 

it might happen if over time of some dating.

I agree, but I won’t take date 3 if there’s not that Je ne sais quois on date 1 and 2! 
 

Someone has to have that weird connection that puts them above all the rest. Those haunting connections, like you both have a secret together , or that feeling of familiarity you can get that feels like home in someone. It comes from a deeper place. So rare. But so amazing.

the chances of finding that online are almost laughable, now I’ve actually written it out 😂

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Makes sense Dis.  We are two Cancer girls with strong Gemini influence!  lol  😂

And yes I agree with OLDing there is this pressure to "connect," and for some reason, for me anyway, because of that pressure to connect, we won't connect!   

Not the type of connection I prefer which is not solely based on physical appearance, which I think it is for most guys and many women too.  

And it can be awkward and uncomfortable when the guy is thinking we have this magnificent "connection" (based on appearance), and I am sitting there feeling "meh."  :rolleyes:

Anyway for me, it's ALL of it.  Energy/chemistry/vibe/appearance, it's ALL related and it all has to be there otherwise it won't work for me and frankly, I'd rather be on my own if it's not happening.  

I am actually fine on my own too. 

Cancer/Gemini! So funny because I am soooo incompatible with Gemini men. Every single Gemini man I've met has been so far from my ideal person. Funny how that works. 

 

Honestly I used to be very tolerant and open to that pressure with OLD and never had it impact how I felt but now? I'm exactly like you. Even if it is there, like if we met IRL, it is not going to be there for me if we meet on OLD

 

The guys I've been out recently always want a second date, and yeap, I'm just looking forward to leaving. I'm really polite and will still make the best of it so maybe that's why they think I'm into it. One guy walked me to my car and went in for a kiss so fast I didn't have time to move my head. I wasn't into him at all so I don't know where he got the idea to do that. 

 

Yes alllll of the factors weigh into attraction. Attraction for me is so multidimensional. It all needs to be there, looks, personality, mannerisms, vibe, voice, character. And looks matter to me less and less. I would much rather date a guy who was average looking was an amazing personality than date a fine af guy who was a dud. 

 

I always find a way to make it work on my own too. I don't dislike it, but tbh, it's getting old. I'm 35. I'd like to find my person and settle down, travel and have some consistency. Just tired of the single life and not because I NEED someone. But because I've done this my whole adult life. I want a change. 

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted

The phrase “the blind leading the blind” comes to mind when I read this thread…

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
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1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

Thank you, so it isn’t just here that happens.  
Sigh …that’s a real shame.
You’ve really opened my eyes to a few things and joined a few dots. Although I wouldn’t put myself in the fine af bracket , I’m still well above average for my area (got all my own teeth 😂) 

You’ve really helped me out. I’m actually going to not bother with OLD from this moment if I can help it. Underneath the mask is a very sensitive old soul, and there’s no way in this lifetime I’ll ever convey any of me through a photo unless she’s super intuitive! 

 

 

Me too! I don't feel my personality is a reflection of how I look at all. I spend my evenings tucking elderly people into bed and tbh, I freaking love that. 
 

You know what I really wish more men would do? 

 

Approach women IRL. I feel like it's a dying art men just don't practice anymore. I rarely ever get approached. I get stares and then they look away and walk off. Ugh I hate it because I won't bite! I mean, I totally get why men are hesitant but just talking to a woman doesn't hurt anyone and if she's not interested you move on. 

 

You do look a little troublesome 😆 so why not try others ways to meet women? You seem like you could chat women up, at the grocery store, drug store, wherever. Just try it. I've heard the more you do it the easier it gets. Like for example, I'm kind of shy but I've been making more of an effort to make eye contact, smile and say hi. That kind of gives a guy an opening. It's easier now than is way before. 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

The phrase “the blind leading the blind” comes to mind when I read this thread…

Do tell!

 

Give us your insight 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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50 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I agree, but I won’t take date 3 if there’s not that Je ne sais quois on date 1 and 2! 
 

Someone has to have that weird connection that puts them above all the rest. Those haunting connections, like you both have a secret together , or that feeling of familiarity you can get that feels like home in someone. It comes from a deeper place. So rare. But so amazing.

the chances of finding that online are almost laughable, now I’ve actually written it out 😂

This exactly...like you found a treasure 💖

 

I don't anything but that 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I have an idea.   How about not judging a man based on looks at all, and go by how well you vibe together, your energy?

I have known plenty of great guys who are hot AF, who are not "players" or "trouble," that is a total misnomer.

And contrast to that, conventionally average looking guys who were total players!

Of course, there needs to be a physical attraction (which is subjective), and as I said earlier, a strong well toned physique is important to me only because I keep in shape too, and with a combination like that, the physical chemistry can be powerful!  And I need for that to be there.

But that's not all there is.  Without the mental, emotional and spiritual energy, nothing much is gonna happen, not for me.

 

Looks isn't a deciding factor, no but I will say,  really attractive single guys my age are always some kind of way ...the same way. At least those I've met on OLD. 

 

But if I were to meet one of them IRL and would be able to get a better feel, I wouldn't judge based on looks alone...like we mentioned....it's the whole vibe that matters 

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divegrl Established Member

divegrl

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Posted

Gave up online dating many years ago and so happy!

I just believe that everyone is telling the truth; and it was too hard to sort through all the scammers, married looking for affairs, lied on the profile or pics. 

It was too much for me!

Pretty sure we have had this convo before, but so much better luck with meeting men in real life!

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