divegrl Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 Hi All! So maybe I just need to write this out because I am having trouble processing and communicating my feelings. My boyfriend of 8 months, really poured out his heart to me. Telling me he wants forever, wants everything with me, ready for next step. I froze. I didn’t know really what to say. I love him. I am in love with him. I want all those things, but expressing that to him is really hard for me. So he has been communicating these same feelings over the past couple of weeks. I keep saying that yes, baby, I love you. But over the past couple of days, he has been pushing me. Asking me, “Are you ready for this? 100% in?” All I could say was that I don’t know. I want to be with him. I love him. But all of these BIG feelings like… I want everything with you, all in, forever ever, always. I just freeze up. I just want to keep being with him, but I sense he is going to need me to reciprocate some of these feelings soon. Any advice and thoughts are much appreciated! Thank you for listening!
Weezy1973 Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 Do you want a rest of your life relationship / marriage in the first place? That’s the first place to start - with your core values. 8 months isn’t that long, but it’s not short either. Generally I think around the 1-2 year range is when it’s time to commit whether it be getting engaged, moving in together etc. 2
Gaeta Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 17 minutes ago, divegrl said: All I could say was that I don’t know. So tell him what you know. Tell him you love him, want to be with him, but it's too soon to move in together or get married it's only been 8 months. Sounds ok to you? 6
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 34 minutes ago, divegrl said: My boyfriend of 8 months, really poured out his heart to me. Telling me he wants forever, wants everything with me, ready for next step. I froze. I didn’t know really what to say. I love him. I am in love with him. I want all those things, but expressing that to him is really hard for me. So he has been communicating these same feelings over the past couple of weeks. I keep saying that yes, baby, I love you. But over the past couple of days, he has been pushing me. Asking me, “Are you ready for this? 100% in?” How old are you two? If under 30 it's OK to backpedal. Tell him you love him & you are looking forward to building a forever with him but you want to go slower because there is no rush. If over 30 you can still tell him to slow down but be more reassuring about how great a guy he is, how much fun you are having & that you are looking forward to what's next but forever is still a ways off. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 40 minutes ago, divegrl said: Telling me he wants forever, wants everything with me, ready for next step. And what would this be, exactly? 2
stillafool Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 45 minutes ago, divegrl said: I want everything with you, all in, forever ever, always. I just freeze up. If you can't get your feelings to come out of your mouth express them to him in a letter. 4
Pumpernickel Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 1 hour ago, divegrl said: pushing me. Asking me, “Are you ready for this? 100% in?” So you’re not sure you want all in? I’m wondering what he is referring to, though. Family, marriage, kids, or just moving in together? Getting engaged? I’d use the practical approach and try to figure out what exactly it is that he’s referring to. Then you’ll have a better, clearer picture, and maybe that’ll help you respond accordingly. If you’ve been single for a while, or “older” (more mature), or got (recently) divorced, it’s not surprising that you’re more cautious than a 20-something college grad who’s starting a life. It really depends on where you stand in life. And him, too, ofc. 2
poppyfields Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, divegrl said: I just want to keep being with him, but I sense he is going to need me to reciprocate some of these feelings soon. Yes of course he is, that's what two people do when in a relationship, they talk to each other, communicate. Relate, connect. It's difficult if not impossible to have a relationship without communicating, relating and connecting. Did you ask HIM what he meant by "next step"? You say you are in love with him, so if I may ask, what are you afraid of? Why the need to be so elusive? Is this a long distance relationship or an on-line interaction? I recall you posting about a man you were talking to/seeing and it was on-line, so that's why I am asking. And gosh if it's on line, perhaps by "next step" he simply wants to meet you! In any event, you are obviously fearful of something. Not a judgment, just an observation and questions to explore within yourself. All the best divegrl, hope you can work these issues out. Edited August 25, 2021 by poppyfields 6
Miss Spider Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 (edited) I also wonder what he means by next step ? Do you know? And it can be scary if you’re not sure it’s what you want. I totally agree w what poppy says to do . Good luck x Edited August 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 You love him and in love with him, but you have some difficulty communicating to him. It’s a little strange to me because when you are “in love” with someone, you couldn’t wait tell them. I guess my question: What do you think that is holding you back? Is that just that he’s moving too fast for you and you want to slow down? Do you see or not see a future with him? Are you not compatible in other ways? 1
FMW Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 Spend some time really thinking about your feelings and your hesitation. Journaling can help it flow. Don't feel pressured to respond the way you think he wants you too, but do figure out why you are freezing up. 8 months in my opinion isn't so long that you owe him a detailed commitment. You love him, are in love with him and want to be with him. It's not unreasonable to need a little more time to commit to "forever". Something is holding you back. Maybe you just need things to go more slowly to get comfortable with it. Maybe there's a reason you just aren't letting yourself admit. Spend your time figuring that out, not worrying about what he's going to do if you don't immediately respond the way he wants. 2
lonelyplanetmoon Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 For me at 8 months I could express a desire or a possibility of a commitment. But you still hardly know each other really in the grand scheme of things so it is still really an unknown. I don’t get to commitment like that until at least 2 years of coupledom. It is like the difference between talk and action. At 8 months it is just talk. You don’t have the experience of all the ups and downs and the feeling at the end of bad times that you still love each other the same and can continue on. It takes a really long time to really know someone. You should take your time and feel ok to go at your pace. You may need to express to him that you see a future with him but it is too early to really feel it naturally/organically. 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 3 hours ago, divegrl said: My boyfriend of 8 months, ready for next step. What does he mean by "next step" if you are dating exclusively for 8 mos.? What is upsetting you , exactly? Is he pushing to move in? Define "next step". Remember, talk means nothing. And... 8 mos. is way too soon to talk about moving in etc. Beware of future talk. Notice that he is not actually giving you and engagement ring. Dating is in real time, not future time about forever, how the honey will flow, in the future... etc. It's about enjoying the present and being observant of if you are a good fit and if things are going how you want them to. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 I'm not sure your issue is a communication problem. I think you aren't feeling the same thing he's feeling. You like him and love him and want to keep going. That's great. No need to apologize for not being over the top. It can be spooky and uncomfortable for someone to fall so deeply in love with us when we know they don't fully know us and when we know we're much more flawed than they are seeing us to be. And at 8 months, you guys are only really learning about each other. Your tied tongue may simply be a result of feeling like "Dude, you don't really know me like that, and I'm not your perfect fantasy." In which case, it's quite smart to stay away from encouraging his dream-fantasy. Some people (I used to do this) will push themselves to fall deeper in love right when there are little problems emerging in the relationship or little differences that are emerging that a couple has to work out. Instead of facing that anxiety, that reality--that two people have to sort out real differences in all sorts of areas, from religion, to money, to ambition, to politics, to standards of cleanliness, to shyness vs extroversion--some people simply close their eyes and push themselves to fall more deeply in love. Reminds me of the dynamic of the religious fanatic. Often the fanatic has doubts, serious doubts. The way the fanatic deals with the doubts is to override them with over-the-top commitment. Tell him honestly what you feel--in a letter is fine. But do NOT pretend you feel the same. He needs to slow down and come into reality. Have you guys seen each other seriously sick? Seriously bummed out? Have you got the real skinny on each other's families? People from abusive families or addiction-prone families often hide that for a good while--sometimes deliberately, sometimes unconsciously. There is still a lot learn about each other. And let's say you guys do work things out--still I'm not sure his proclamation is all that healthy or sane or realistic. Frankly, I think it was quite skillful and confident and healthy for you not to mirror back his teenage fantasy. Congrats to you! 2
DatingMom Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 I can relate to your situation. I feel that was me through most of my late teens/early 20s. It was hard to put my feelings into words. Do you show him you love him in other ways? There's this thing called the 5 Love Languages. Look it up. It's interesting to see how everyone expresses love differently. For example for me I'm all about touch and quality time. Words of affirmation is way down on that list. So, it's hard when I'm with someone that's all into putting feelings into words. It can get overwhelming. I think the best is to be HONEST. By that I mean, tell him honestly how you feel about him. It's important to try to reciprocate, but don't make things up. Tell him the things that you like about him: personality, physically, intellectually etc. Tell him the things that you really enjoy doing together. Tell him how you feel when you are together. And then tell him that it's not because you don't constantly swamp him with words of affection and love that you don't love him. That everyone is different and for you there are other ways to communicate that, and that you feel you do, and then tell him the ways that you tell him without putting it into words. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 I completely agree with what lotsgoingon said. I think guys just move faster emotionally when they’re into someone, I think there actually was some research done on this that found guys fall faster than women 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 14 hours ago, divegrl said: I keep saying that yes, baby, I love you. But over the past couple of days, he has been pushing me. Asking me, “Are you ready for this? 100% in?” Ready for what? 100% in what? You're dating exclusively for 8 mos., you've exchanged ILY, so what exactly is he pushing for? 1
poppyfields Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 I'm still not certain if they've even met in person yet. Like I said earlier, his "next step" may be something as simple as wanting to meet in person and having a 'relationship' versus 'on line' interaction. I was hoping divegrl would return and answers all our questions for more clarity, It would be helpful versus all this speculation imo. But @divegrlif you choose not to, that's your prerogative, and wish you all the best. 1
Blind-Sided Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 (edited) I agree with a lot of what has already been said above. 1) How old are you? It really doesn't matter, but if you are young... then you have time. 2) What are your core beliefs? DO you ever want to be married? 3) Do you like this guy well enough to actually have a "Happily ever after" with him? (or are there small flags?) OK... I'm old now, and since I've been divorced... I don't know if I ever want to go through that again. AND... my current GF has also been divorced. We both like each other... but it's not a fun thing to go though. We have been together for 1.5 years... and we still aren't talking about a "Forever" situation. With that said... 8 months isn't a long time. To me... a year would be the minimum to even talk about a "Forever" situation. I guess if I was in your situation... I would start by saying to your BF... "I really like you, but give it some time". If you try to side step his comments... he may feel rejected, and things will change. You really need to just be honest, and give him a time line. AND... since you need time to figure it out... tell him to wait at least a year before considering anything. I wish you peace in moving forward. Edited August 26, 2021 by Blind-Sided 2
Author divegrl Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 Hi All! Thank you so much for your replies! I have seen and read them all! So, yes, I am very much an introvert. I need time to reflect and process my thoughts/feelings…before I will verbalize them. I have made many of your comments into journal questions to reflect on….THANK YOU! 2
Author divegrl Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: What does he mean by "next step" if you are dating exclusively for 8 mos.? What is upsetting you , exactly? Is he pushing to move in? Define "next step". Remember, talk means nothing. And... 8 mos. is way too soon to talk about moving in etc. Beware of future talk. Notice that he is not actually giving you and engagement ring. Dating is in real time, not future time about forever, how the honey will flow, in the future... etc. It's about enjoying the present and being observant of if you are a good fit and if things are going how you want them to. Hi! Thank you for your comment! What he means by next steps, is something I need to clarify too. We are not moving in together anytime soon. I don’t see this as probing for an engagement either. At least, I don’t think so, knowing him. Also, this man is not one to speak a lot of words. So far, what he says, is what he truly means. And he follows through with action. I am conflicted about these statements that show so much permanence. Thank you! 1
Author divegrl Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 14 hours ago, FMW said: Spend some time really thinking about your feelings and your hesitation. Journaling can help it flow. Don't feel pressured to respond the way you think he wants you too, but do figure out why you are freezing up. 8 months in my opinion isn't so long that you owe him a detailed commitment. You love him, are in love with him and want to be with him. It's not unreasonable to need a little more time to commit to "forever". Something is holding you back. Maybe you just need things to go more slowly to get comfortable with it. Maybe there's a reason you just aren't letting yourself admit. Spend your time figuring that out, not worrying about what he's going to do if you don't immediately respond the way he wants. Thank you for this! This is great advice and exactly what I am doing! I need time to reflect on how I actually feel…. Before I can open up to him. Thank you so much! 2
Author divegrl Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: I'm still not certain if they've even met in person yet. Like I said earlier, his "next step" may be something as simple as wanting to meet in person and having a 'relationship' versus 'on line' interaction. I was hoping divegrl would return and answers all our questions for more clarity, It would be helpful versus all this speculation imo. But @divegrlif you choose not to, that's your prerogative, and wish you all the best. Thank you for your comment! It’s an in person relationship. The online guy was years ago, that I mentioned as a warning to another poster! Lol!
Wiseman2 Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 6 minutes ago, divegrl said: What he means by next steps, is something I need to clarify too. I am conflicted about these statements that show so much permanence. What 'permanence'? You are not moving in, getting engaged or getting married. You are dating 8 mos., in an exclusive relationship and saying ILY which all seems quite normal for dating 8 mos. 2
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 (edited) I agree get him to clarify what he means...in detail first. Then tell him you are the type that needs time to process this. Let him know you are not backing out, but do get over whelmed so easily. Smile and hug him, tell him you love him. there you go done. For all you know maybe he just wants some reassurance. People tend to get insecure when falling in love. Edited August 26, 2021 by smackie9 3
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