I ask my gf to change her mindset, and she literally following what I said

[Croro]

Summary : I have an on and off relationship with my current gf, and last time we fight its because i ask her to start pay attention to how she looks. Basically i feel guilty now because maybe what i got now is not genuine. 
 

During our on and off relationship, i fell too much difference between how we thinks. Such as i try to catch my career as far as i can, while she is struggling and definitely need help. I try to help her but it seems my method is too much for her, so most of the time we will ended up with more fight, off record she ask me to help her. From all of our fight I see our motivation is highly different, as she is having a dream to start a family, while i am trying to settle first before moving to next step.

In our last fight, I mention how i try to represent myself, as I am highly aware on how I looks, and how i turn thats into my motivation. Meanwhile, she is too modest and maybe thats why our energy is not matching each other. Ofc it’s not end well, and we arguing whole night long, till i try to show up to her with how I will normally presenting myself normally. She is not say anything but I can see something is going in her mind. I try to explain to her how I dress when I am with her is not the real me because I try to match her “modesty” energy, no more argument going after that. 

Turn out she is start to spend a bit more on clothes and start to posting herself on social media, it’s looks alot better, but now i just fell guilty with a bit of doubt and afraid. I sounds like ungrateful bastard i know, but deep in my head i were thinking that she try to change on how she looks, but she is still lost in her life. Am i on the wrong side to think this way ….??? Any suggestion on how to make this relation works ?? Without changing my mindset ? 
 

ps: before everyone think i am an utter ass hole, I don’t wanna change my mindset, because; I have burden with my past and my family, which is pretty complicated.
 

[JRabbit]

Can you explain what it is about her look you didn't like?

I mean you asked her to change it and she did, what's the issue exactly? Sounds like she is trying hard to make you happy, but you have now realized the clothes weren't the issue?

[stillafool]

I'm not understanding what it is you want from her.  Do you want her to dress more conservative,  sexier or stylish.  What has she changed to?

[d0nnivain]

You wanted her to dress flashier & be more motivated.  She apparently has started to dress better.  Now that she looks better, she is taking more selfies.  

Are you annoyed because she spent money on clothes when you think she is struggling financially?  If so, that is really none of your business.  Her finances are her finances.  

You say you are trying to motivate her to do better in her career.   Understand you definition of success may not be hers.  Stop trying to make her conform to your way of thinking & your way of doing something.  

I'm not sure why you dress more modestly around her & don't show her the real you.  Why don't you dress how you like & show her by example.  You will be more authentic & hopefully happier.  

[EgoJoe]

You said something to her, she's making an effort. Why don't you take her shopping for new clothes? Maybe try expressing how you felt when you talked to her about this last time? I definitely recommend spending some time just validating her feelings & thanking her for caring about your sensibilities.

If you don't want to do the above then you might want to have a conversation with yourself about your priorities; wants & needs!

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Croro said:

before everyone think i am an utter ass hole

Unfortunately it seems like you are incompatible on many levels. She wants commitment and family. You're not attracted to her appearance.

On/off generally means you can't get along. Stop helping her financially if you can't afford it, resent it or it interferes with your family obligations.

Step back from this. Stop telling her what to wear. Let her manage her own finances.

Overall, reconsider the relationship because there are too many chronic conflicts.

[smackie9]

 

You are swimming against the current. You are the one that needs to change, not her. Follow these changes: Compassion, positive/gentle encouragement, patience, and the ability to accept things as they are.

[spiderowl]

In all honesty, Croro, you need to leave your girlfriend alone and let her find someone who will love her.  You criticise the way she looks, dresses, presents herself, and the way she works/runs her career.  You do not seem happy with any aspect of her.

Your behaviour is likely to be damaging to her self esteem.

I expect you are feeling guilty now because she is trying to change herself to meet your expectations.  Hopefully, she will realise all by herself that it is impossible to meet the expectations of a critical partner and that she is better off finding a guy who loves her for herself and who is not trying to change everything about her.

Just why are you trying to change her?  Are you unhappy with her?  What difference do you think these changes will make?  Will they improve things for you or her?

[Alvi]

What exactly DO you like about your girlfriend? 

[Croro]

Thanks for all input guys, the reason i be with her in the first time because she show much energy as i am. She’s coming from very conservative family and neighborhood, and say she is tired with all of that. In return I telling her my priorities, one of them is physical looks and my future career plans. She is seems attracted with all what i am saying and ask me to help and guide her. Which i did slowly, i am telling her she must stop using her junk clothes (literally junks, because it’s have hole in it and messy repair), it took couple of fight till she decides to throw it for good. I try to bring her for shopping with me, but she seems afraid to spend money in shopping mall and rather spend money in flea market for similar stuff but with lower quality and same prices. Our last couple argument start because i bring her to shop and i bought  some stuff for her, at home; I am comparing the stuff;  did she like it, is it the same prices as in flea market, and try to ask her, why she is so afraid to shop in shopping mall?? She’s pretty much offended when i am saying that. All of the issue above seems cleared now as she is put more efforts in her appearance.

Another issue; her family is against our relationship simply because of racial issue (it’s common in our country), i meet with her mom once, and secretly her mom ask her to broke up with me, she is keep avoid to introducing me with her dad afraid of bad ending. I try to talk to her we should face it soon or later, and she said she can just runaway with me. Which i am objected because my parents can accept her but doesn’t means I can’t just get married with her without her parents blessing because it will embarrass the family. 
 

So basically my issue is like i am misunderstood in the first time when she said she wanna learn to dress up. It seems our idea of looks and success is on different pages, off records we are working in same place and her performance is not really great, and when i try to help her; she took it personal and we’re often fight because of this and now I am stopping this work related talk with her.

I try to be with her because my parents like her and think she is good girl, and pretty much I feel i should do something with this relationship, but it’s always seems this is not going nowhere.

[Croro]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

In all honesty, Croro, you need to leave your girlfriend alone and let her find someone who will love her.  You criticise the way she looks, dresses, presents herself, and the way she works/runs her career.  You do not seem happy with any aspect of her.

Your behaviour is likely to be damaging to her self esteem.

I expect you are feeling guilty now because she is trying to change herself to meet your expectations.  Hopefully, she will realise all by herself that it is impossible to meet the expectations of a critical partner and that she is better off finding a guy who loves her for herself and who is not trying to change everything about her.

Just why are you trying to change her?  Are you unhappy with her?  What difference do you think these changes will make?  Will they improve things for you or her?

This is the same question i keep asking myself. Because i feel like she is not genuinely want to change, she is just come to her comfort zone when she is away from her family. 

[spiderowl]

9 minutes ago, Croro said:

Thanks for all input guys, the reason i be with her in the first time because she show much energy as i am. She’s coming from very conservative family and neighborhood, and say she is tired with all of that. In return I telling her my priorities, one of them is physical looks and my future career plans. She is seems attracted with all what i am saying and ask me to help and guide her. Which i did slowly, i am telling her she must stop using her junk clothes (literally junks, because it’s have hole in it and messy repair), it took couple of fight till she decides to throw it for good. I try to bring her for shopping with me, but she seems afraid to spend money in shopping mall and rather spend money in flea market for similar stuff but with lower quality and same prices. Our last couple argument start because i bring her to shop and i bought  some stuff for her, at home; I am comparing the stuff;  did she like it, is it the same prices as in flea market, and try to ask her, why she is so afraid to shop in shopping mall?? She’s pretty much offended when i am saying that. All of the issue above seems cleared now as she is put more efforts in her appearance.

Another issue; her family is against our relationship simply because of racial issue (it’s common in our country), i meet with her mom once, and secretly her mom ask her to broke up with me, she is keep avoid to introducing me with her dad afraid of bad ending. I try to talk to her we should face it soon or later, and she said she can just runaway with me. Which i am objected because my parents can accept her but doesn’t means I can’t just get married with her without her parents blessing because it will embarrass the family. 
 

So basically my issue is like i am misunderstood in the first time when she said she wanna learn to dress up. It seems our idea of looks and success is on different pages, off records we are working in same place and her performance is not really great, and when i try to help her; she took it personal and we’re often fight because of this and now I am stopping this work related talk with her.

I try to be with her because my parents like her and think she is good girl, and pretty much I feel i should do something with this relationship, but it’s always seems this is not going nowhere.

I feel sorry for this girl.  You do not love her, you are trying to mould her into a doll of some sort that meets your standards.  Maybe she cannot afford expensive clothes - have you thought of that?  Maybe she chooses to be thrifty because many people do - they would rather buy cheaply and recycle clothes than spend a lot on fashion.

I think you are right that this isn't going anywhere.  She is trying to change for you but she will not be successful because she will go crazy if she tries to please you.  You are so critical of her that your behaviour amounts to abuse.  I think you should leave her alone.

[spiderowl]

2 minutes ago, Croro said:

This is the same question i keep asking myself. Because i feel like she is not genuinely want to change, she is just come to her comfort zone when she is away from her family. 

 

2 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Why should she change?  She is not doing anything wrong, she is just a normal girl living a normal life.  Your priority is looks - you do not care about this girl, you only care what she looks like.  Why do you even care what she looks like?  She would go crazy trying to please you because you do not have her best interests at heart.  I hope she walks.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Croro said:

her family is against our relationship simply because of racial issue (it’s common in our country), i meet with her mom once, and secretly her mom ask her to broke up with me, she is keep avoid to introducing me with her dad afraid of bad ending.

No matter what you do, including buying her clothes, the fact that her parents do not approve will make this difficult.

Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage to someone of her race/religion/culture?

Is she poor? Does she live in a poor area? You claim her 'junk clothes" are raggedy and old. Can she afford clothes or are her clothes something she wears due to her conservative culture? 

[Ami1uwant]

You can’t change someone….

[Croro]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No matter what you do, including buying her clothes, the fact that her parents do not approve will make this difficult.

Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage to someone of her race/religion/culture?

Is she poor? Does she live in a poor area? You claim her 'junk clothes" are raggedy and old. Can she afford clothes or are her clothes something she wears due to her conservative culture? 

She is not into arranged marriage, but her parents is against someone with different religion, i am agnostic myself, but my parents mostly will disappointed if I should follow their family tradition if we are getting married. My idea of marriage is not following either culture as i am pretty much dislike cultural / religion based marriage.

I am not sure about her financial status, as i think it’s inappropriate to talk about it. However, when i ask her to try to pay attention with her looks is doesn’t mean she should spend crazy load of fortune to buy stuff. I am just saying the stuff she bought on flea or traditional market is having similar prices with what you get in shopping mall, it’s not crazy brand such LV, gucci, etc. It’s common basic stuff in HnM, zara, etc. Apparently the prices over there is pretty cheap especially by the end of season.

Somewhat she claimed that she really like that “junk clothes”. But to wear that stuff to workplace is inappropriate, and i believe it will leaving bad impression to co worker.

[Croro]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

You can’t change someone….

I think this somewhat is right, even if is, i will see ingenuity in it, and it’s actually turn me into horrible person by doing that. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Croro said:

 her parents is against someone with different religion

Ok let her dress how she wishes. It seems like you are a secret because her family do not approve of you.

That's not going to go very far, regardless of your antimarriage antireligion attitude.

. However she and her parents do so don't get involved because this has a built in end.

[OneLov]

Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.  I think the best advice is to not try to so hard to make it work.  Why do you want to work so hard for something you really don't respect or want?

[glows]

If you've made a suggestion once, that is sufficient. Do not pick fights about someone's dress or style. That reflects on you being controlling and antagonistic towards someone else's choices. You are demonstrating that you do not accept her for who she is. 

You need to decide if there's a future with her considering your different backgrounds. This is the more pressing issue. 

You don't seem to have enough respect for her as a person or her background/family.

 

 

[basil67]

Yes, what you have is not genuine.  It's the result of you pushing and bullying her into changing.  Sure, if she asks for advice, it's great to give that advice.  But literally fighting her to do it your way is so terribly wrong.  I'm worried as to what this is all doing to her self esteem.