Jump to content

I finally told him I wanted more.

kween321

By kween321
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

kween321 Member

kween321

Posted
Posted

I don't really have a question - I just feel like sharing something I'm proud of.

For the first time in my life (yes, I know, pathetic) I told a guy directly and unemotionally what I wanted (a serious relationship) after several months of on-off dating and mind games (from both sides).
It caught him by surprise and he couldn't give me an answer right away but it doesn't even matter at this point. The moment I laid out all my cards on the table I felt instant relief and liberation from the stupid power plays. If he says yes: cool, lets get this show on the road; if he says no: cool, now I can stop wondering and move on with my life. He said he needed until the end of the week to think about it so if he hasn't made up his mind by then I'll take it as a 'no'. I actually don't give a s*** anymore. I've removed him from the pedestal and he just seems like any other guy again.

It was so hard just initiating the conversation - it took me all day writing out and deleting messages before I finally sent one. I was so afraid of rejection, it was like jumping off a cliff into dark, shark infested waters. But now I feel like I can easily take the rejection. It doesn't even compare to the last (almost) year of uncertainty and games.

I might be preaching to choir but if you ever feel yourself stuck in the same position because of fear of rejection, please for the love of whatever just do yourself a favour and spit it out. You will feel unf**kwithable.

  • Like 11
Amanda92 Established Member

Amanda92

Posted
Posted

Good job Girl! We need to set boundaries and don't let men treat us like toys.

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Good for you. 

But don't bother waiting until the end of the week. If he doesn't already know whether he wants a relationship with you after several months of this, then the answer is no.

  • Like 10
  • Author
kween321 Member

kween321

Posted
  • Author
Posted
5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good for you. 

But don't bother waiting until the end of the week. If he doesn't already know whether he wants a relationship with you after several months of this, then the answer is no.

For reasons I can't be bothered typing out, I believe giving him until the end of the week is fair and reasonable. Even I'm reconsidering whether I actually want a relationship with him. I need this time too.

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

You're establishing your preferences and maintaining your boundaries. It's a healthy thing to do. I would not wait for his response. 

  • Like 3
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

Yay for empowerment 🤎🤎🤎

 

He needs til the end of the week to decide, though? Wtf lol

  • Like 3
  • Author
kween321 Member

kween321

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Lol yes guys, the end of the week! Stay tuned for the next episode 🤣

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think you should take your empowerment a step further and cut this clown off. What is exactly is going to change in a week? What can he decide in a week that hasn’t been decided in seven months? A week is not going to make him stop playing games

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 4
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

What can he decide in a week that hasn’t been decided in seven months?

My thinking exactly. 

I wouldn't grant a guy more time after several months of this, personally. That would tell me he's not interested in me the way I am in him. 

  • Like 2
  • Author
kween321 Member

kween321

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I get what you guys are saying but in the grand scheme of things, a week is nothing to me. It's not like I'm waiting around with bated breath. My house has finished being built and I'm moving in this week. I'm getting on with life regardless. I'm happy no matter the outcome 😁

  • Like 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

6 minutes ago, kween321 said:

 a week is nothing to me. 

That’s not the point tho xD

 

but I see you are not yet ready. 

 

Im glad you are happy, regardless 😊

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 1
Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

Its not that a week is nothing. Its the point that a man (or a gal) doesnt have to spend days thinking on whether they want a serious relationship with someone. It isnt something you have to think about. You just know.....you know if you do, or you know if you dont. It also shifts the "power" (I hate that word for relationships) to the one doing the thinking...like your entire future depends on what this clown is thinking about. Nah, Id never do it. Its either yes, or no.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, kween321 said:

I get what you guys are saying but in the grand scheme of things, a week is nothing to me. It's not like I'm waiting around with bated breath. My house has finished being built and I'm moving in this week. I'm getting on with life regardless. I'm happy no matter the outcome 😁

I think if you both have been floating along casually and happy with that (till now for you OP), allowing him a few days to process is smart.  For both of you.

Going from casual to serious is not something to be taken lightly imo, to jump into willy nilly.

If he were to immediately respond with "Yes let's do it!  Let's get serious!"  I would question that, seems like an impulsive reaction. 

I don't think it reflects lack of feelings necessarily but more a pragmatic approach going from A to B.

That said, I wouldn't get hopes up (not that you are, you sound ambivalent yourself), he may also be using this time to determine how to say no and break it off without hurting you.

Keep an open mind and be prepared for however it goes. 

 

  • Like 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

It wouldn’t be impulsive at all. It’s been seven months of dating. If he liked her the same way he would’ve been thinking about it all this time too. He would’ve jumped on that like white on rice

 

he needs a week to think about how he is going to placate her for another seven months lol 

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 5
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

Not everything is so black and white, that's all I'm saying. 

Some people need time to process emotions, she basically gave him an ultimatum.

Anyway, jmo.  I respect yours too cookies and others. 

And you may be right!  You have a point and like I said, he may be using this time to determine how to let her down gently.

Again, people react in different ways, not always so black and white. 

  • Thanks 1
  • Author
kween321 Member

kween321

Posted
  • Author
Posted
6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think if you both have been floating along casually and happy with that (till now for you OP), allowing him a few days to process is smart.  For both of you.

Going from casual to serious is not something to be taken lightly imo, to jump into willy nilly.

If he were to immediately respond with "Yes let's do it!  Let's get serious!"  I would question that, seems like an impulsive reaction. 

Bingo 🙂

  • Thanks 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
45 minutes ago, kween321 said:

 I'm getting on with life regardless. I'm happy no matter the outcome 😁

So does this mean if he says he's not ready are you goiing to stop seeing him?

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Good for you.  My only constructive observation is that this would have gone better if you had managed to have a conversation about it in person.  Texts are not for big deal emotional stuff like this.  You would have gotten so much more info had you been able to see his face & look into his eyes.  

Hope it works out.  

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Not everything is so black and white, that's all I'm saying. 

Some people need time to process emotions, she basically gave him an ultimatum.

Anyway, jmo.  I respect yours too cookies and others. 

And you may be right!  You have a point and like I said, he may be using this time to determine how to let her down gently.

Again, people react in different ways, not always so black and white. 

Also to add, just because someone has feelings for someone that does not necessarily mean they desire a serious committed RL with that person with all the obligations and responsibilities attached to that.  That is such a misnomer.

Plenty of people aren't cut out for it, they recognize this about themselves and there is nothing wrong with that as long as they are honest about it with those they become involved.

In fact, even though I've been in a few, at this point in my life, I myself am not sure if I am cut out for it, even when having strong feelings for a man.  It's something I need to consider carefully and honestly, I am quite conflicted about it actually.

So the OP presented this to him, and he needs to think about it.  Think about if he's cut out for it and ready for the obligations and responsibilities a serious relationship entails.  

I think this is smart, so many people impulsively enter into serious committed relationships without doing any thinking or processing whatsoever, they go solely by their emotions and/or they feel pressured into it, and those relationships turn out to be a disaster because one or both weren't ready for what being in a committed relationship actually entails.

Anyway, if a serious committed relationship is what the OP wants, I hope he feels the same and it works out for both of them!

JMO, as always.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 2
  • Author
kween321 Member

kween321

Posted
  • Author
Posted
5 hours ago, stillafool said:

So does this mean if he says he's not ready are you goiing to stop seeing him?

Definitely. This is it. I'm done messing about.

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Good for you.  My only constructive observation is that this would have gone better if you had managed to have a conversation about it in person.  Texts are not for big deal emotional stuff like this.  You would have gotten so much more info had you been able to see his face & look into his eyes.  

Hope it works out.  

We're in lockdown haha. Poor timing on my part but I just couldn't wait any longer. Plus I communicate better in writing.

  • Author
kween321 Member

kween321

Posted
  • Author
Posted
2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Also to add, just because someone has feelings for someone that does not necessarily mean they desire a serious committed RL with that person with all the obligations and responsibilities attached to that.  That is such a misnomer.

Plenty of people aren't cut out for it, they recognize this about themselves and there is nothing wrong with that as long as they are honest about it with those they become involved.

In fact, even though I've been in a few, at this point in my life, I myself am not sure if I am cut out for it, even when having strong feelings for a man.  It's something I need to consider carefully and honestly, I am quite conflicted about it actually.

So the OP presented this to him, and he needs to think about it.  Think about if he's cut out for it and ready for the obligations and responsibilities a serious relationship entails.  

I think this is smart, so many people impulsively enter into serious committed relationships without doing any thinking or processing whatsoever, they go solely by their emotions and/or they feel pressured into it, and those relationships turn out to be a disaster because one or both weren't ready for what being in a committed relationship actually entails.

Anyway, if a serious committed relationship is what the OP wants, I hope he feels the same and it works out for both of them!

JMO, as always.

 

 

All of this. Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't be bothered typing 😅 not sure why people are so focused on the outcome anyway, that wasn't even the point of my post lol.

  • Thanks 1
Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

 

needs til the end of the week to decide, though? Wtf lol

That was enough for me. It’s what caused me to have the same moment as the OP is describing!  
If someone isn’t crazy about you and has to think about it , I’m gone! No way am I gonna hang about while they weigh up their options 

  • Like 5
Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

Posted
Posted

Good for you! Congratulations on setting boundaries. 

A little tip though. It's been my experience in dating that if a man doesn't spell out for you what he wants when you first meet, then he probably doesn't want a relationship. This of course is not always the case, and there are rare exceptions where men can change their mind if they meet a great girl. But in general, you should not have to ask a guy what he wants..he should be able to tell you what he wants without you having to ask for what you aren't getting. This I have determined from dating guys who have done this "stringing along thing" and those who were ready and up front about what they wanted. 

  • Like 4
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 8/24/2021 at 7:21 AM, kween321 said:

I told a guy directly and unemotionally what I wanted (a serious relationship) after several months of on-off dating and mind games (from both sides).

In this instance, I think @kween321spelling it out was an okay thing to do.   Admittedly, based on bolded above, she has been playing the on-off/mind games too, it's hasn't just been him.  And contrary to popular belief, men can become just as confused as women when it comes to such things.

So in HIS eyes, he may have assumed she didn't want more than what they had (casual), so why would HE then spell it out, making himself vulnerable?  Because he's the man?   I don't think so, relationships are a two-way street.

Anyway, jmo but I thought it was a brave thing to do, and I for one hope it works out for her.

kween, I hope you will let us know how this turns out!  

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...