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Dating for a month but problem?

Dantheman93

By Dantheman93
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Dantheman93 New Member

Dantheman93

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Hey guys,

Been single for the last year, dated a couple of people but recently met someone who I seem to have a real connection with. So been dating this girl for the best part of a month now, we’ve been on quite a few dates and seen a lot of eachother. Both really like eachother and last week stated to eachother how much we do like eachother and like where it’s going! It’s been quite casual with the intention to potentially go further. Both said we wanted to take things quite slow despite seeing eachother quite abit. Said if it continues to go down the same route then maybe in a few weeks, could be official. 

Anyway, here comes my problem, so Friday night, girl I’ve been seeing goes out for drinks and ends up bumping into the guy she was casually seeing before I came along, she ended things with him after we first met. Anyway, Friday night she kisses the guy who still has feelings clearly there for her. In turn after kissing she then tells him that she isn’t interested because she wants to be with me.

When she told me about this I was pretty hurt, not gonna lie! Feel like feelings were put on the table and in turn ive been mugged off, however I also understand that we aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend and have only been seeing eachother. 
Have been told that I am the only one that she wants now and that she sees a future with me and was very apologetic about her behaviour.

suppose I’m just wanting peoples opinions on this?

Suppose in hindsight, this isn’t cheating as we are only dating but at the same time it feels muggy to do this. Have been reassured a lot that this was a one off and would never happen if we were in a relationship. 
I’m disappointed and angry with what she has done but at the same time still really like her which makes it a tough decision

Edited by Dantheman93
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

If you guys aren't exclusive yet I don't understand her purpose for even telling you.  Did he kiss her or did she kiss him?  Either way she made it clear to him that she wants to be with you.  That should have been the end of it.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Maybe this is what the doctor ordered.  She may have needed a sign to prove to her that she was making the right decision by picking you.  

She kissed him once, then told him about you & was transparent with you about what happened.  

It sucks but you came out ahead so let this one slide.  Do keep your eyes & ears open.  Make sure she is all in & on board with being faithful to you but don't blow this up over a drunken impulse on her part.  It was a kiss, not sex.  She did tell you when she didn't have to.  

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Amanda92 Established Member

Amanda92

Posted
Posted

If you want to be exclusive with a girl, just tell her that you want an official relationship instead of playing "taking things slow".

She didn't do anything wrong.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted (edited)

To me it's not important that she kissed that man and good if it gave her clarity on what she wants but the fact she told you to clear her conscience and had no thought on how that would make you feel is a small red flag to me. Is she very young?

Edited by Gaeta
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Posted
1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

 but the fact she told you to clear her conscience and had no thought on how that would make you feel is a small red flag to me. 

Damned if she does.  Damned if she doesn't.  I bet she thought he would feel better because she was open & told him the truth rather than hiding it.  Maybe a small yellow flag.   Again we want to make sure this is not how she solves problems / doubts about her relationship.  

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Dantheman93 New Member

Dantheman93

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Thanks for the responses guys, all very helpful!

Tbh a lot of them were very much in thinking along the same lines as myself. We discussed and had a good chat about everything over the weekend. I very much explained how I wouldn’t stand for that sort of behaviour if we were a couple and feel like I got my point across.

Seeing eachother tomorrow, can’t help but feel the need to bring it up again as I’m still annoyed and feeling disappointed about what happened. Do I just leave it as it is? I don’t obviously want to rock the boat but at the same time I want to basically know that any kind of this behaviour in future I won’t stand for

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Dantheman93 New Member

Dantheman93

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21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me it's not important that she kissed that man and good if it gave her clarity on what she wants but the fact she told you to clear her conscience and had no thought on how that would make you feel is a small red flag to me. Is she very young?

She’s 25 years old. Surely her telling me is better though. Granted it’s not made me feel good but she’s been truthful about the situation 

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Dantheman93 New Member

Dantheman93

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33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Maybe this is what the doctor ordered.  She may have needed a sign to prove to her that she was making the right decision by picking you.  

She kissed him once, then told him about you & was transparent with you about what happened.  

It sucks but you came out ahead so let this one slide.  Do keep your eyes & ears open.  Make sure she is all in & on board with being faithful to you but don't blow this up over a drunken impulse on her part.  It was a kiss, not sex.  She did tell you when she didn't have to.  

Thanks, very much what I was thinking^.
Think I need to try and move on from being annoyed ASAP as it’s still early days and need to probably let this slide.
She has said that she sees things going further and wants to be exclusive now which is another strong message of intent from her. I like her a lot and feel like it would be a waste to throw something that could potentially go somewhere away, I will also be very wary in that her actions match her words going forward

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

She’s not gf material 

 

hit and quit 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Posted
2 minutes ago, Dantheman93 said:

She’s 25 years old. Surely her telling me is better though. Granted it’s not made me feel good but she’s been truthful about the situation 

Sorry I don't see this as being truthful. Not all truth needs to be told. You were not in a relationship she did not have to report this to you. It's called oversharing. It made you feel annoyed, disappointed and all that risk damaging the respect and attraction you had for her. Now, she's young, she doesn't know better, give her  pass. I am a mature woman and I know men's ego are fragile. When a man hit on me or an ex lover text me I shut them down but I don't report that to my boyfriend, it would serve no purpose, it would only make him feel bad. 

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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

Man or woman, you can feel however you want to feel about it. I think of it as consideration and care for the person you're about to date. It's not a marriage. It's dating. That early on with that amount of confusion and actions not matching up with words would concern me and ultimately turn me off. 

You seem tempted to continue seeing her and seeing what the future holds. So continue seeing her at your discretion. Treat this as dating only. At anytime if it it's not working out, you can end this peacefully and go your different ways. 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Sorry I don't see this as being truthful. Not all truth needs to be told.

I agree and when I was single and guys would tell me about this type of thing with another girl or an ex I always thought they were trying to get a reaction out of me.  Like jealousy.  A compete turn off.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, glows said:

I think of it as consideration and care for the person you're about to date.

I have a hard time seeing why it's considerate? They were not in a relationship, it's something personal to her. If she had unprotected sex yes I'd see where the consideration is as he needs to be informed but how is this current information any consideration? 

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Dantheman93 said:

Hey guys,

Been single for the last year, dated a couple of people but recently met someone who I seem to have a real connection with. So been dating this girl for the best part of a month now, we’ve been on quite a few dates and seen a lot of eachother. Both really like eachother and last week stated to eachother how much we do like eachother and like where it’s going! It’s been quite casual with the intention to potentially go further. Both said we wanted to take things quite slow despite seeing eachother quite abit. Said if it continues to go down the same route then maybe in a few weeks, could be official. 

Anyway, here comes my problem, so Friday night, girl I’ve been seeing goes out for drinks and ends up bumping into the guy she was casually seeing before I came along, she ended things with him after we first met. Anyway, Friday night she kisses the guy who still has feelings clearly there for her. In turn after kissing she then tells him that she isn’t interested because she wants to be with me.

When she told me about this I was pretty hurt, not gonna lie! Feel like feelings were put on the table and in turn ive been mugged off, however I also understand that we aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend and have only been seeing eachother. 
Have been told that I am the only one that she wants now and that she sees a future with me and was very apologetic about her behaviour.

suppose I’m just wanting peoples opinions on this?

Suppose in hindsight, this isn’t cheating as we are only dating but at the same time it feels muggy to do this. Have been reassured a lot that this was a one off and would never happen if we were in a relationship. 
I’m disappointed and angry with what she has done but at the same time still really like her which makes it a tough decision

I think she is trying to manipulate you into making things official sooner. This is a s*** test.

Being told about the kiss would be a complete turn off for me. For one, it's childish to kiss and tell. Two, her lips were on another dude.

All that being said, you have no leg to stand on, since you two are still casual. She can technically do whatever with any guy she wants to.

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introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted

When I'm into a guy, I have no desire to kiss anyone else, regardless whether I've made an "official" declaration to the guy I'm dating.

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Dantheman93 New Member

Dantheman93

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14 minutes ago, glows said:

Man or woman, you can feel however you want to feel about it. I think of it as consideration and care for the person you're about to date. It's not a marriage. It's dating. That early on with that amount of confusion and actions not matching up with words would concern me and ultimately turn me off. 

You seem tempted to continue seeing her and seeing what the future holds. So continue seeing her at your discretion. Treat this as dating only. At anytime if it it's not working out, you can end this peacefully and go your different ways. 

Thanks for your response.

Very much agree on it causing confusion this early on, definitely off putting. Think it’s all well and good saying how much you like someone and talking about the future but to then go out and kiss someone else is very contradictory. 
I’m quite new to dating as was in a long term relationship upto a year ago. Obviously dating is different to being in a full on relationship which I also appreciate at this stage.

So what you’re saying is continue to date and take it from there? Treat this as a minor blip and move forward

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I'm just not sure she's as into you as you are into her, if all it took was a random run-in with the other guy to result in a kiss. 

Generally speaking, when I was into and excited about a new guy, I wasn't interested in playing tonsil hockey with other dudes. 

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

When I'm into a guy, I have no desire to kiss anyone else, regardless whether I've made an "official" declaration to the guy I'm dating.

Ha, great minds think alike. Same for me. 

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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
31 minutes ago, Dantheman93 said:

Thanks for your response.

Very much agree on it causing confusion this early on, definitely off putting. Think it’s all well and good saying how much you like someone and talking about the future but to then go out and kiss someone else is very contradictory. 
I’m quite new to dating as was in a long term relationship upto a year ago. Obviously dating is different to being in a full on relationship which I also appreciate at this stage.

So what you’re saying is continue to date and take it from there? Treat this as a minor blip and move forward

I'm not telling you what to do.. you will have to make that decision on your own. I'm sensing that you are determined to continue seeing her and will have to find out for yourself whether both of you get along. I would not continue seeing this person if it were myself in your position. Life is far too short to be angry or upset about another person's choices, least of all one person I hardly know so early in the dating stage. You date to find inconsistencies and compatibilities, not to ignore them or disregard them if they upset you so much. 

One thing I will mention is if you can't look past this and are second guessing her constantly or have trust issues in place so early on (can't trust or respect the person you're dating) it's starting off on the wrong foot. Both of you are in for a long road of misery as you become more attached to each other yet lack trust and respect for one another.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Kissing someone else is not a “blip”? Anyway, do you think you want a relationship with a girl who views putting her tongue down a guys throat as a ‘blip’? 
 

It’s either she’s playing games to make you jealous or she cares so little about the thing you have regardless of whatever you guys are calling it that she kisses an old fling 

 

either way she’s not fr material 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Posted

Me personally would find this to be a deal breaker, exclusive or not.

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Dantheman93 said:

Suppose in hindsight, this isn’t cheating as we are only dating but at the same time it feels muggy to do this. Have been reassured a lot that this was a one off and would never happen if we were in a relationship. 

It's not so much about whether or not it's considered cheating at this early stage but the fact that it upset you.

The bottom line is you did not like it and now you're having doubts.

It's a shift in perspective, however slight.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Dantheman93 said:

Do I just leave it as it is? I

 

2 hours ago, Dantheman93 said:

She has said that she sees things going further and wants to be exclusive now which is another strong message of intent from her. 

You leave it & don't bring it up again -- EVER.  Not now.  Not 6 months from now when you have fight.  Never.  

She said she wants to be exclusive.  You take her at her word & move forward.  

 

1 hour ago, Dantheman93 said:

So what you’re saying is continue to date and take it from there? Treat this as a minor blip and move forward

Yes.  But do keep your eyes & ears open.   Make sure this was a one off drunken mistake not a pattern.  

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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted

Ive got a different opinion on this to the majority. 
 

If she really likes you, and feels the same about you as you do about her then she wouldn’t have kissed this other guy. 
 

As I woman I can tell you that I would not kiss another man if I really liked another, irrespective of time dating, exclusivity label etc . I just wouldn’t do it! 
 

The fact she did screams volumes. 
 

By the way; do you watch love island? The language you use and the “rules” you apply to dating reflect its culture. I wouldn’t advise you take any learning from this personally. 

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