Steven Boston Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 (edited) So recently I went on a date with a girl I have been talking to for about a month+ we have had multiple dates all going well and have been sexually engaged multiple times. On or most recent date I said a few things that rubbed her the wrong way and at the end of that date after she had been drinking and smoking weed she told me she was unsure about us. This issue was about some dumb jokes I said and me not being super concerned of wearing a mask. She took a day to process then texted me and told me she wanted to talk and proceed to say call me. The phone call went on for 45 minutes she was unsure about her feelings. She told me she still likes me but said I was immature. I explained recently I have been having some family issues and that I have a lot of stress at home. We left it at that and she said she still wanted to talk but like I previously said was very unsure and concerned of what I did/said by not taking mask wear serious because she works in health care. She also mentioned how I had never been in a relationship before which I haven’t and was concerned about that but stated it was small “issue”. I really need advice on when should I reach out. I really like this girl and don’t want it to be over because of one “minor mistake” (her words). Any help would be appreciated. Edited August 24, 2021 by Steven Boston More details
glows Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 You might want to pause and think about what she’s said about being immature. If she ended it or has decided not to pursue this, do the respectful and mature thing and leave her alone. You will be behaving in a way that respects her choice and understanding what boundaries means, instead of being pushy or aggressive trying to earn her respect back in false ways. If she reaches out to you on her own, you can decide then how you want to approach her but consider this done. 1 1
Daisydooks Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Glows nailed it. Show her your ears work by giving her space to come around on her own. If she gives you a chance to prove yourself, do so. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 The mask wearing thing is about ethics & personal belief systems. She feels your views on that subject are too diametrically opposed so there is no point in continuing without shared values. Dumb jokes, immaturity, situational family stress & inexperience can all be overcome in time. People mature. Who you are fundamentally is who you are & if you hold opposing view points on certain topics it may be hard to find a middle ground. 2
Author Steven Boston Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 So you would all say wait a few days and maybe then offer a small gesture 1
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 What gesture? This is about your feelings about mask wearing. Unless you plan to start wearing one, you will remain incompatible. 1
Author Steven Boston Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 Well I do need to start wearing one but the gesture I was talking about was more so on lines of how should I reach out to her/when cause I did leave the conversation off by saying I’ll take to you later and do want to give her space but also don’t want to give her to much space to forget all the good times we had that she said we did in her emotional state of crying
glows Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Let her reach out to you. Don't beg or plead or ask her to take you back because she misunderstood you. If you just can't help yourself, be prepared for another rejection. I think the biggest mistake people make is not taking others at their word and trying to force a situation that isn't compatible or respectful of the other person's choice. If she tells you again that you are not a good match, don't take it personally but do respect the choice to go your separate ways. 2
Daisydooks Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Steven Boston said: So you would all say wait a few days and maybe then offer a small gesture Thats not what I said at all. Your eyes dont work either. Read our comments again. Let her come to you. This is what I said and what has been said to you. (Below.) Leave her alone. She is upset right now and will reach out if she wants to rekindle things and give you another chance. No one ever got anywhere by bugging someone, harassing someone or telling them how they feel. She knows how you feel. Trust me. Give her space. She will come around or she wont, but that has to be her choice now. Leave her alone. If she reaches out, go/grow from there. If she doesnt, she doesnt, and you move on and learn from this. 2 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Show her your ears work by giving her space to come around on her own. If she gives you a chance to prove yourself, do so. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 (edited) I'd reach out & say something along the lines of I really took what you said to heart. I took a long look at some of my actions & beliefs. # 1 I'm being more diligent about mask wearing. Thanks for enlightening me. Any chance you want to meet me for coffee at [outside venue] on [day] at [time]? We can even sit 6 feet apart if you want but I'm hoping you'd prefer to be closer. See how she responds. Space isn't answer. She wasn't complaining that you were smothering her. IMO everyone telling you to leave her alone is wrong; if you don't reach out she will conclude you don't care. You can't bombard her. My suggestion is that you send ONE message 24-48 hours after you last spoke. Edited August 24, 2021 by d0nnivain 3
Author Steven Boston Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 Donnivain thanks for your help if I do decide to reach out I will follow ur advice 1
Seliana Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 16 hours ago, Steven Boston said: So recently I went on a date with a girl I have been talking to for about a month+ we have had multiple dates all going well and have been sexually engaged multiple times. On or most recent date I said a few things that rubbed her the wrong way and at the end of that date after she had been drinking and smoking weed she told me she was unsure about us. This issue was about some dumb jokes I said and me not being super concerned of wearing a mask. She took a day to process then texted me and told me she wanted to talk and proceed to say call me. The phone call went on for 45 minutes she was unsure about her feelings. She told me she still likes me but said I was immature. I explained recently I have been having some family issues and that I have a lot of stress at home. We left it at that and she said she still wanted to talk but like I previously said was very unsure and concerned of what I did/said by not taking mask wear serious because she works in health care. She also mentioned how I had never been in a relationship before which I haven’t and was concerned about that but stated it was small “issue”. I really need advice on when should I reach out. I really like this girl and don’t want it to be over because of one “minor mistake” (her words). Any help would be appreciated. To give another perspective, it sounds like you two are simply incompatible. If you genuinely have different opinions on mask wearing, it only shows that you have different belief systems. If you pretend to agree now to win her over, you may end up resenting her later on. Do you also drink and smoke weed? If you don't, isn't that a red flag? Who's really the immature one?
Coasting1991 Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 I agree with above, OP. I'm not sure what part of healthcare she works in, but she has likely seen the effects of the pandemic in some sense firsthand and probably has strong views in terms of wearing a mask that you triggered. Were your jokes really insensitive? Are you actually anti-mask, or were they just dumb jokes? If it's the first, you likely aren't compatible. If it's the second, then you're going to have to show that you can be mature and properly apologize (as in, really mean it and don't blame outside things like stressors) and work on being a more mature individual if you want to keep dating her.
Author Steven Boston Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 Hey coasting1991 thanks for your advice and it’s the second nothing was insensitive it was just stupid jokes but we are talking now again and the convo is flowing again 1
Coasting1991 Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Just now, Steven Boston said: Hey coasting1991 thanks for your advice and it’s the second nothing was insensitive it was just stupid jokes but we are talking now again and the convo is flowing again Glad to hear it! Everyone makes comments that others find off putting sometimes, don't sweat it too much, just try to be more careful in the future. Good luck! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 I am not sure this is all down to the mask and a stupid joke, OP. She also cited the fact that you have never been in a relationship as a concern for her. That has nothing to do with either of the above. My impression is that she is backing out of this and looking for reasons to do so without being too harsh. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 13 hours ago, Steven Boston said: we are talking now again and the convo is flowing again So keep talking. Whatever set her off the other day was fear based. Continuing to talk & you behaving in a mature way should ease her mind. 1
spiderowl Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 (edited) I can see this being a dealbreaker. It sounds like your jokes could have been a manifestation of some underlying unhappy feelings on your part and came across as not funny or as at a dig at her? The vaccine issue will be a biggie for her. She might not change her mind about you now, sorry. Have your feelings changed on the issue? If not, then I don't think it is worth you trying to retrieve this relationship; it simply won't work. I am sorry to say it but I think her 'not sure how she feels' conversation actually means 'I am having severe doubts and I think this is wrong for me'. You need to prepare yourself for this relationship ending rather than seeing her doubts as a temporary thing. Health care workers see a lot of the sad part of life in hospitals and care homes. They have to grow up pretty quickly. She is going to want someone supportive in her life, who relieves her stress, not someone combative who cannot see where she is coming from. Edited August 25, 2021 by spiderowl 1
Author Steven Boston Posted August 27, 2021 Author Posted August 27, 2021 So we went on a date yesterday everything went well and I stayed the night am I just being over paranoid or is there any truth to her blaming her previous behavior that I stated on being on her period during a full moon she didn’t directly say it but very obviously hinted it was her time of the month when she told me she was confused
ExpatInItaly Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 6 hours ago, Steven Boston said: So we went on a date yesterday everything went well and I stayed the night am I just being over paranoid or is there any truth to her blaming her previous behavior that I stated on being on her period during a full moon she didn’t directly say it but very obviously hinted it was her time of the month when she told me she was confused For real? No. This is an excuse. When someone is full of excuses, like this one seems to be, it's because they're not being honest with you. 2
Miss Spider Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 (edited) Depends. Is she a werewolf on her blood moon? Seriously though, being on your period can make you more angry/emotions a little less stable.. but it’s more like you’re more likely to let how you really feel all out than anything else Edited August 27, 2021 by Cookiesandough
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 Women who blame bad behavior on their periods are lying.
poppyfields Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Women who blame bad behavior on their periods are lying. What was the "bad" behavior? She was confused/unsure about her feelings, that is not bad behavior. And yes for some women being on your period can make them more emotional and overreact to something that might otherwise not bother them. I speak from experience about that, and yes sometimes I get confused about feelings too especially in very early stages. The phases of the moon effect some people too. You had a lovely date, you spent the night, all good. My advice is stop overthinking and enjoy. It's still very early stages, feelings are fluent, precarious, try to relax and go with it, remain open and flexible. Continue observing. Edited August 27, 2021 by poppyfields
spiderowl Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Women who blame bad behavior on their periods are lying. I agree that bad behaviour cannot be excused but pre-menstrual time can feel like hell. One can feel stressed, anxious, depressed and self-esteem can drop. I know, I've been there. Having said the above, she was having doubts but seems to feel better. Perhaps you could ask her what she was concerned about?
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