Mifaiimpazzire Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 I knew this girl because she’s the younger sister of an ex-schoolmate. A year ago she moved in the city I live in, and I got in touch. Initially we nearly didn’t see each other, then in recent months we saw each other more, mainly in group/social situations, and she also joined part of my close friendship group. A few months back one of my friends, call him John, told me: « she’s cute ». I replied back with « yes, I know, if she wasn’t part of my closer friends I would probably go for it, but I don’t have enough conviction to risk messing up the friendship ». Eventually, a few weeks ago, John made a move and asked her out. They went on a few dates and started what could turn into a proper relationship - they even spent a few days/nights at each other’s place. Last week, I went on a trip with a group of friends including her, but without John. During the trip my interest for her intensified. We had some closer moments, but I had the feeling she wouldn’t have done anything due to the situation with John (she did say she didn’t consider herself in a relationship, but equally wouldn’t sleep with anybody else, when we talked about it in a generic way). Equally I also wanted to respect John. Now the trip is over and we’re all away from each other, but I do think about her. My question is: can I confess her my interest for her? Or is that unfair towards John? What would you do?
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 No. She's with John. You blew your chance. It will come across as you only wanting her because he now wants her. 6
Daisydooks Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 (edited) You slept on it too long. Next time you really like someone, make it known earlier. You literally gave him a green light when you said "if she wasn’t part of my closer friends I would probably go for it, but I don’t have enough conviction to risk messing up the friendship." Now that she is dating John, you all of a sudden have "enough conviction?" Its unfair to all parties involved. She wont dump John to be with you, it will be awkward from here on out AND you'll lose a friend in John. This will backfire. Edited August 24, 2021 by Daisydooks 3
JRabbit Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 So you don't want to upset the friend group but perfectly fine with flirting with your guy friends new gf? Moral compass is off. 3
stillafool Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 20 hours ago, Mifaiimpazzire said: but I don’t have enough conviction to risk messing up the friendship ». So now that she's with John you no longer feel this way? 1
glows Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Did you post this somewhere else? I have read this story before awhile ago. Was the trip a few weeks ago? If things don't work out with John, she knows that you're interested so let it be for now. The one trip seems to have swayed you quite a lot and influenced you. What you can do is limit your time spent with this friend group if you're having trouble honouring your friendships or keeping your distance. Do your own thing for awhile or meet up with other friends.
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Snooze you lose. If she comes available again, ask her out.
Author Mifaiimpazzire Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 10 minutes ago, JRabbit said: So you don't want to upset the friend group but perfectly fine with flirting with your guy friends new gf? Moral compass is off. I didn’t want to start something with her, realise she’s not for me, hurt her and leave the friendship group with the awkwardness of a broken up couple. I was flirting with her, and her with me, already before John met her, so we just kept going on the same way. Maybe now I should step back then? 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: So now that she's with John you no longer feel this way? it’s a fair point. My explanation is that I just got to know her better, and finally became more convinced about willing to try out a relationship with her, whereas before I wasn’t. But perhaps the fact that John is now with her is influencing me, making me desire her more.
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 21 minutes ago, Mifaiimpazzire said: I was flirting with her, and her with me, already before John met her, so we just kept going on the same way. Maybe now I should step back then? There's G-rated harmless light flirting which is fine & then there is flirting with a purpose to advance to romance or sex. That is definitely not something you should be doing here. Dialing it back is a good & gracious plan. It shows maturity but you don't have to stop all interactions. 1
Author Mifaiimpazzire Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 4 hours ago, glows said: Did you post this somewhere else? I have read this story before awhile ago. Was the trip a few weeks ago? If things don't work out with John, she knows that you're interested so let it be for now. The one trip seems to have swayed you quite a lot and influenced you. What you can do is limit your time spent with this friend group if you're having trouble honouring your friendships or keeping your distance. Do your own thing for awhile or meet up with other friends. Didn’t post anywhere else, first time I post in a romance/relationship forum of any kind in fact...guess it’s just a recurrent plot « If things don’t work out with John, she knows that you’re interested » in fact, I don’t think so. Signals from me have been rather opposite, as I actually didn’t want it to turn into romance until now. And that’s the reason why I felt like telling her. But I guess it’s too late, I missed the boat as others flagged already. Unfortunately limiting the time spent with the friendship group isn’t a very likely scenario either...they are now an integral part of my close friendship group where I live. So I’ll just have to learn to deal with seeing them together and to be at peace with it. 1
spiderowl Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 On 8/23/2021 at 9:04 PM, Mifaiimpazzire said: I knew this girl because she’s the younger sister of an ex-schoolmate. A year ago she moved in the city I live in, and I got in touch. Initially we nearly didn’t see each other, then in recent months we saw each other more, mainly in group/social situations, and she also joined part of my close friendship group. A few months back one of my friends, call him John, told me: « she’s cute ». I replied back with « yes, I know, if she wasn’t part of my closer friends I would probably go for it, but I don’t have enough conviction to risk messing up the friendship ». Eventually, a few weeks ago, John made a move and asked her out. They went on a few dates and started what could turn into a proper relationship - they even spent a few days/nights at each other’s place. Last week, I went on a trip with a group of friends including her, but without John. During the trip my interest for her intensified. We had some closer moments, but I had the feeling she wouldn’t have done anything due to the situation with John (she did say she didn’t consider herself in a relationship, but equally wouldn’t sleep with anybody else, when we talked about it in a generic way). Equally I also wanted to respect John. Now the trip is over and we’re all away from each other, but I do think about her. My question is: can I confess her my interest for her? Or is that unfair towards John? What would you do? Depends how much of a friend John is. If he is a close friend, then you are breaking the bro code. Really, you made an error earlier on by telling John you wouldn't be pursuing her. That was effectively giving him the go-ahead. I guess you could wait and see how her relationship goes with John or you could risk ruining your friendship with John and tell her you are interested in her. It's up to you what risks you want to take in this situation. She might not feel the same way as you. 1 1
flitzanu Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 ^^^ this. you shouldn't pursue your friend's girlfriend, or date your friend's ex gf. that's a bad, awkward move.
Miss Spider Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 Agree…depends on how close of friends you are. If he’s someone you’d consider your inner circle it’s a bro code violation.
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