Izzy banta Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 I met my partner online at the beginning of June and we met about a week later. We became more serious and exclusive with each other towards the end of June. Since meeting, we have been on many dates and try and spend as much time with each other as possible. I feel we have a great connection and get on well. We share a similar sense of humour and we respect each other. He lives with his mum and I live with my family. He works (6 days on and 4 days off), and I don't currently work at the moment, so this has been fortunate in that I am able to meet with him on his off days. The issue I'm facing currently He was raised a Muslim and his mum is very strict about this. He is not religious and doesn't want to be Muslim, and has felt this way since a young teenager. He has pretended all the time to his mum and she is none the wiser. When he comes out to see me, he will tell his mum that he is going to see friends. Recently his mum had a big argument with him, as she has noticed him going out more and spending more money than usual. Obviously, this is because he has now been seeing me. He had to convince his mum he will spend less and not go out too much and not too late. This may sound bizarre to some people as he is 25 so a grown (but young) Man! However, some of this behaviour may be cultural, nonetheless, he is a full grown adult, who should be able to make their own decisions and do as they please. I am finding this situation difficult at times, not knowing where our relationships is going, and yes I'm aware this is a new relationship. He told me he wants to move out by the end of the year, but I just don't think this is realistic for two grown adults trying to progress in a relationship to continue in this way for too long! It leaves me in this 'limbo' situation. I know his situation is difficult and I've been very understanding and sympathetic, but I have needs too. I have voiced my concerns to him on a few occasions and have even got tearful a few times, with the difficulty this puts us in. It's like everything has to be done secretly and him tip toeing around his mum all the time. How long can this realistically continue? I care about him a lot and we have both spoken many times of our future together etc. He always says he is serious about me and sees a future with me etc. but on the flip side words are just words until they turn into actions. I would appreciate (friendly and considerate) advice and comments since I am at a loss at the moment!
JRabbit Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Is there a reason he won't move out on his own? 2
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Religion is a very touchy subject. But if his plan is to move out by the end of the year, that is not that far off. He will have begin living independently with in 6 months of meeting & dating you. I don't know what you consider "too long" but IMO 6 months is a very short period of time. I don't know what you mean when you say in you are in "limbo". He seems to be communicating with you about his dilemma & the pressure he's feeling from his mom. What kind of assurances are you seeking this soon in? IMO you are the one moving too fast. It's only been 2 months. There is no "future" to speak of. It's too fast for you to even think about whether you have a date for Halloween yet. Calm down. Take one day at a time & let things progress more slowly if you actually want something solid. Even if he dates you there is no guarantee, that he will be strong enough to marry you & cut himself off from his family. That is a lot of pressure but it's also too soon for you to be thinking like this. That said, if your ultimate goal is marriage I wouldn't waste my time unless you plan to convert. His mother is not going to tolerate somebody she sees as a Western infidel. 4
Els Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Assuming that he is financially independent from his mother, my thoughts are that if he's not able to set appropriate boundaries with her now, he won't be able to after he moves out anyway. At 18 this may be understandable but frankly at 25 it would be a hard pass from me. 3
glows Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 5 hours ago, Izzy banta said: I met my partner online at the beginning of June and we met about a week later. We became more serious and exclusive with each other towards the end of June. Since meeting, we have been on many dates and try and spend as much time with each other as possible. I feel we have a great connection and get on well. We share a similar sense of humour and we respect each other. He lives with his mum and I live with my family. He works (6 days on and 4 days off), and I don't currently work at the moment, so this has been fortunate in that I am able to meet with him on his off days. The issue I'm facing currently He was raised a Muslim and his mum is very strict about this. He is not religious and doesn't want to be Muslim, and has felt this way since a young teenager. He has pretended all the time to his mum and she is none the wiser. When he comes out to see me, he will tell his mum that he is going to see friends. Recently his mum had a big argument with him, as she has noticed him going out more and spending more money than usual. Obviously, this is because he has now been seeing me. He had to convince his mum he will spend less and not go out too much and not too late. This may sound bizarre to some people as he is 25 so a grown (but young) Man! However, some of this behaviour may be cultural, nonetheless, he is a full grown adult, who should be able to make their own decisions and do as they please. I am finding this situation difficult at times, not knowing where our relationships is going, and yes I'm aware this is a new relationship. He told me he wants to move out by the end of the year, but I just don't think this is realistic for two grown adults trying to progress in a relationship to continue in this way for too long! It leaves me in this 'limbo' situation. I know his situation is difficult and I've been very understanding and sympathetic, but I have needs too. I have voiced my concerns to him on a few occasions and have even got tearful a few times, with the difficulty this puts us in. It's like everything has to be done secretly and him tip toeing around his mum all the time. How long can this realistically continue? I care about him a lot and we have both spoken many times of our future together etc. He always says he is serious about me and sees a future with me etc. but on the flip side words are just words until they turn into actions. I would appreciate (friendly and considerate) advice and comments since I am at a loss at the moment! You are looking to him to provide a home or a place to live or for privacy? What are your needs? I'm trying to understand where your expectations lie in the relationship. It could very well be that that's what you're expecting and that is fine but I hope you also recognize that you aren't bringing much to the table here either. The question is - when will either of you be more self-sufficient and able to make the personal and relationship choices that you would like to make? I agree with you that it's difficult and the longer time goes on the more invested and emotionally attached you are to each other. Since it's new trust is also still being established. You may think you know each other but your relationship hasn't been tested in time. If you do want to give this a chance, I think that is your call but give it one year and see where he's at in one year. Try to figure out also what is happening on your end with your career or if you might be interested in going back to school for example. 1
Daisydooks Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 14 hours ago, Izzy banta said: people as he is 25 so a grown (but young) Man! However, some of this behaviour may be cultural, nonetheless, he is a full grown adult, who should be able to make their own decisions and do as they please. Cultural issues aside, he is 25, living at home with his mother. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to first act like one. He can do as he pleases when he cuts the umbilical cord. Is he springing this on her in December? Would he be moving out if it werent for your needs? Or was he planning on living at home until he gets married? Why dont you work? Not snarky, but curious. Are you two talking of getting a place together? Is he planning on coasting through life lying to her about his religious beliefs until she dies? Or is he planning to move out and be honest? 2
Author Izzy banta Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 14 hours ago, JRabbit said: Is there a reason he won't move out on his own? He told me that he has thought of moving out soon, but I guess he just hasn't taken the next step. He said he hopes to move out by the end of the year, but moving out doesn't happen at the click of a finger I guess. When I've mentioned where he might move to, he said he's not sure but somewhere near a tube (train) line due to work commitments.
Blind-Sided Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 As said above.... Mom's house, Mom's rules. He has to move out, and he can do his own thing. But... the religion thing could be rough. I had a buddy who grew up Mormon. As his buddy, I had no idea that he wasn't happy with it. But when he was 18, and was getting prepped to do his "Mission"... he simply told his mom that he was done with it, and had no intentions of going. Your BF could do this if he really wanted. Moving out of his mom's house would make it easier. With that said... there is a reality that he isn't going to leave his religion. And if this is the case... are you ready to live a Muslim life style? This is a very serious thing that you need to think about, and talk about with your BF. I have a female friend who was dating someone who found someone on-line who was Sikh, and he told her she did no have to become Sikh, and she told him she did not want kids. (she was late 20's at the time) But after a month... he started pushing for her to "Look into converting"... but then he also started questioning why she didn't want kids. After 2 months... she had to break up with him, and she was very upset. But he basically lied about his intentions to get the relationship started, and hoped to convert her. Since it's a new relationship... you may really want to dig deep, and figure out if you can live with his lifestyle. (You may need to just break it off) 2
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 18 hours ago, d0nnivain said: That said, if your ultimate goal is marriage I wouldn't waste my time unless you plan to convert. His mother is not going to tolerate somebody she sees as a Western infidel. I've learn not long ago that Muslim men (dating one) are allowed to marry non-Muslim women but not the other way around. 1
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Izzy: A relationship is carried by 2 people. You are demanding of your boyfriend something you are not offering yourself therefore I think you should be patient and understanding. 2
JRabbit Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 6 hours ago, Izzy banta said: He told me that he has thought of moving out soon, but I guess he just hasn't taken the next step. He said he hopes to move out by the end of the year, but moving out doesn't happen at the click of a finger I guess. When I've mentioned where he might move to, he said he's not sure but somewhere near a tube (train) line due to work commitments. Doesn't sound like he is going to any time soon. I think that is the only way this can move forward.
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 (edited) TBH I really don't know why you fret so much about this. This is his problem to worry about. You can still see him and enjoy his company. He gave you a timeline of when he can move out and live life the way he sees fit, it's just a huge step most likely sever ties with his mom. You are his motivation. If you really like him, then have faith. It's only a few months away. If he doesn't live up to his promise, you dump him. Edited August 24, 2021 by smackie9 1
spiderowl Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 There seems to be no point continuing this relationship. He is muslim and his parents will be expecting him to marry a nice muslim girl. Unless he moves out in the very near future to make a life with you, you could be waiting for ever. He is clearly not going to tell his parents about you. Treat him like a married man who has prior commitments to his parents, religion and culture, and do not wait around for him. If he wants to do something about this situation, he could. He isn't doing.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 Yeah I've mentioned this to him before in conversation, that as much as we both want this to work, it's just not realistic to continue a relationship in this way. There will be a limit sooner or later.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 On 8/24/2021 at 5:07 PM, smackie9 said: TBH I really don't know why you fret so much about this. This is his problem to worry about. You can still see him and enjoy his company. He gave you a timeline of when he can move out and live life the way he sees fit, it's just a huge step most likely sever ties with his mom. You are his motivation. If you really like him, then have faith. It's only a few months away. If he doesn't live up to his promise, you dump him. He's never lived away from home before and living by yourself is completely different. Plus he hasn't shown any steps towards moving out of home. I'm not controlling him and telling him what he should or shouldn't do, but in his own words he wants to move out soon.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 On 8/24/2021 at 4:58 PM, JRabbit said: Doesn't sound like he is going to any time soon. I think that is the only way this can move forward. Yes, I feel either him moving out or him being honest with his mum is the only way real progress can be made in the long term. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 1 minute ago, Izzy banta said: it's just not realistic to continue a relationship in this way. There will be a limit sooner or later. Considering the significant religious and cultural differences, there is incompatibility. Eventually he may need to live at home until his parents arrange an marriage for him with a Muslim woman. Don't be his experiment in sowing his wild oats on more independent women like yourself.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 26, 2021 Author Posted August 26, 2021 On 8/24/2021 at 2:21 PM, Gaeta said: Izzy: A relationship is carried by 2 people. You are demanding of your boyfriend something you are not offering yourself therefore I think you should be patient and understanding. I'm not demanding anything. He wanted to move out of home before he met me. He and I both know this will prove more difficult if not unrealistic if we can't even be together properly. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 (edited) I think you’re right to be a little apprehensive. He’s a grown man and essentially hiding you from his mother. I will tell you I did this with all my bfs with whom I had no intention on ever becoming really serious with them. If I did, I would introduce them to my parents because they’re proudly my partner. He will need to make a stand eventually and say “this is who I am dating, mom. Im a 25 year old man and this is who I love.” otherwise, it’s all talk and he’s hiding you while enjoying all the perks of dating you. Just saying you’ve been warned Edited August 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Daisydooks Posted August 27, 2021 Posted August 27, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Izzy banta said: Yes, I feel either him moving out or him being honest with his mum is the only way real progress can be made in the long term. He will have to be honest at some point if he intends to marry someone one day, whether its your or someone else. His mother will expect him to settle down with a nice muslim girl and is in for the shock of her life Im guessing. 4 hours ago, Izzy banta said: I'm not demanding anything. He wanted to move out of home before he met me. He and I both know this will prove more difficult if not unrealistic if we can't even be together properly. I am assuming your family and friends all know about him? Does he come to your house even though you live at home also? Edited August 27, 2021 by Daisydooks 1
Author Izzy banta Posted August 29, 2021 Author Posted August 29, 2021 On 8/23/2021 at 7:26 PM, d0nnivain said: Religion is a very touchy subject. But if his plan is to move out by the end of the year, that is not that far off. He will have begin living independently with in 6 months of meeting & dating you. I don't know what you consider "too long" but IMO 6 months is a very short period of time. I don't know what you mean when you say in you are in "limbo". He seems to be communicating with you about his dilemma & the pressure he's feeling from his mom. What kind of assurances are you seeking this soon in? IMO you are the one moving too fast. It's only been 2 months. There is no "future" to speak of. It's too fast for you to even think about whether you have a date for Halloween yet. Calm down. Take one day at a time & let things progress more slowly if you actually want something solid. Even if he dates you there is no guarantee, that he will be strong enough to marry you & cut himself off from his family. That is a lot of pressure but it's also too soon for you to be thinking like this. That said, if your ultimate goal is marriage I wouldn't waste my time unless you plan to convert. His mother is not going to tolerate somebody she sees as a Western infidel. Yes, I agree religion is a very touchy subject. Yes, he says his plan is to move out by the end of the year, though I don't think he has really thought this out properly, as he's never lived anywhere other than with his mum and he has made no steps to show that he will move out soon. I think this is an idea he has but putting that into action is whole different scenario. Maybe he will stick to his word and makes this happen, not that I'm forcing him to do so, but realistically I don't see it happening any time soon because he has a full time demanding role and his mum is still a focal point in his life whether he acknowledges it or not. He repeatedly tells me that his future is with me and I should wait for him etc. but he could potentially be asking me to stick around and wait for a day that never comes because he can't confront his mum about the truth. Hence why I feel a bit in limbo.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 29, 2021 Author Posted August 29, 2021 On 8/23/2021 at 9:16 PM, Elswyth said: Assuming that he is financially independent from his mother, my thoughts are that if he's not able to set appropriate boundaries with her now, he won't be able to after he moves out anyway. At 18 this may be understandable but frankly at 25 it would be a hard pass from me. On 8/23/2021 at 10:44 PM, glows said: You are looking to him to provide a home or a place to live or for privacy? What are your needs? I'm trying to understand where your expectations lie in the relationship. It could very well be that that's what you're expecting and that is fine but I hope you also recognize that you aren't bringing much to the table here either. The question is - when will either of you be more self-sufficient and able to make the personal and relationship choices that you would like to make? I agree with you that it's difficult and the longer time goes on the more invested and emotionally attached you are to each other. Since it's new trust is also still being established. You may think you know each other but your relationship hasn't been tested in time. If you do want to give this a chance, I think that is your call but give it one year and see where he's at in one year. Try to figure out also what is happening on your end with your career or if you might be interested in going back to school for example. On 8/23/2021 at 10:44 PM, glows said: You are looking to him to provide a home or a place to live or for privacy? What are your needs? I'm trying to understand where your expectations lie in the relationship. It could very well be that that's what you're expecting and that is fine but I hope you also recognize that you aren't bringing much to the table here either. The question is - when will either of you be more self-sufficient and able to make the personal and relationship choices that you would like to make? I agree with you that it's difficult and the longer time goes on the more invested and emotionally attached you are to each other. Since it's new trust is also still being established. You may think you know each other but your relationship hasn't been tested in time. If you do want to give this a chance, I think that is your call but give it one year and see where he's at in one year. Try to figure out also what is happening on your end with your career or if you might be interested in going back to school for example. I feel like we're teenagers who try and steal time together whenever possible and him avoiding being found out by his mum, i.e. expenses from being out with me (no, I don't force him to pay for things), being out late and finding who he is with (me). Its like his mum has real control over him, for various reasons, i.e. cultural, religious etc. Because of this, it is staring to impact the time we spend together because he then worries about being out too late or going out too much when he is not at work and with me. Other than this I really enjoy our time together but it feels really restricted. Even spending a night together as adults would be tricky to arrange and organise etc. So essentially, our alone time together is impacted. I agree, the longer this goes on the more emotionally invested we become with each other. At the end of the day he's 25 years old so a grown adult, not necessarily very experienced by nonetheless a 25 year old man should be able to make his own decisions.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 29, 2021 Author Posted August 29, 2021 On 8/24/2021 at 2:21 PM, Gaeta said: Izzy: A relationship is carried by 2 people. You are demanding of your boyfriend something you are not offering yourself therefore I think you should be patient and understanding. I'm a very patient and understanding person, some would not entertain this type of relationship, but here I am because I genuinely want this to work for us.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 29, 2021 Author Posted August 29, 2021 On 8/26/2021 at 9:54 PM, Wiseman2 said: Considering the significant religious and cultural differences, there is incompatibility. Eventually he may need to live at home until his parents arrange an marriage for him with a Muslim woman. Don't be his experiment in sowing his wild oats on more independent women like yourself. Yes, different backgrounds and upbringing. His parents aren't planning or arranging an arranged marriage for him. His parents aren't together actually. But yes I agree, I don't know how serious he really is about me, hence I don't want to hang around and be some kind of experiment. He could change his mind for all I know, though I'm pretty sure he completely dislikes being a part of the Muslim religion and is not religious at all, his actions alone have shown me this.
Author Izzy banta Posted August 29, 2021 Author Posted August 29, 2021 On 8/26/2021 at 10:04 PM, Cookiesandough said: I think you’re right to be a little apprehensive. He’s a grown man and essentially hiding you from his mother. I will tell you I did this with all my bfs with whom I had no intention on ever becoming really serious with them. If I did, I would introduce them to my parents because they’re proudly my partner. He will need to make a stand eventually and say “this is who I am dating, mom. Im a 25 year old man and this is who I love.” otherwise, it’s all talk and he’s hiding you while enjoying all the perks of dating you. Just saying you’ve been warned Glad you understand my perspective in this situation. He is indeed hiding me from his mother. Interesting what you say about your own experience, however there is religion involved here which is a tricky subject. Especially in certain religions and cultures, it is a big part of their lives. So I could see how telling his mum would be difficult for him, having said that if he is really serious about me then I feel like at some point (hopefully sooner rather than later), he makes a stand and tries to tell his mum. I would be full support for him, but the way things are now just can't continue forever, at least not for me anyway.
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