He says he never wants to get married but I do. Is this a reason to end the relationship?

[spiderowl]

6 hours ago, GimmyG said:

Couple weeks ago, my friend set me up on a blind date with this guy. We are both 22. We really clicked and he asked me to be his girlfriend a few dates in.

Everything was perfect. About a week ago, we were at dinner and I was talking about my brother who was newly engaged. I was talking about how most girls have dreamt about their own wedding since they were kids. He suddenly said that he likely wasn’t ever going to get married. He said he would live with someone and even have kids with them but he would not get married. His concern was about the divorce aspect of marriage. 

I didn’t say anything, kind of just changed the subject. This whole week, I’ve been thinking over his words. Personally, I’ve always imagined myself getting married. Unfortunately my own parents marriage has ended in divorce, but it’s still something I believe in and want for myself. I do not see my opinion on this ever changing.

I am someone who dates thinking that there’s a future to the relationship. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks but this is kind of a big thing we differ on. To be honest, this revelation has kind of put a damper on my enjoyment of our relationship. I don’t know how to proceed. 

It would hurt me very much to end our relationship. But I don’t know if I can commit to a relationship where I don’t have a long term future with the person. I’m only 22 and still in school but ideally I’d like to get married by 30 and have kids, settle down. I don’t know if I can change his mind on the matter.

Is it jumping the gun for me to end the relationship over this? Is there a chance that he may change his mind or is there no future for the two of us? Should I cut my losses and move on, no matter how much that may hurt me?

 

If he has said this, then it would be wise to believe him.  He is firm about not getting married.  If that is what you want, you two are not compatible.  In my experience - and I have been in the same position as you - compromise will always hurt you.  I should have walked as soon as I heard this but I didn't.  Many years later, I still regret not having the self-respect to walk away.

[lana-banana]

Yeah, this would be a hard no at 32, but at 22 I say give this a couple months if you're really clicking. On our first kind-of date my husband told me he didn't ever want to get married for the same reasons, but at 9 months in he told me he'd changed his mind. Don't lie about your feelings, though. If he decides it's a deal-breaker that's on him.

[Els]

Okay, let's be completely realistic here. You are both 22, you have literally only been adults for 4 years. Even if he wanted marriage, it's statistically unlikely that he would end up being the person you marry. And frankly if he said he wanted to marry you after dating for 2 weeks at 22... that would be a red flag in my books.

I don't mean to be condescending or to hate on young relationships. I am married to the guy I met when I was 21. But I also realise that we are statistically very much an anomaly. The vast, vast majority of people date several people in their 20s before they settle down, and many of those who married in their 20s have divorced. There is a good reason for this - the 20s are a period of huge personal growth and change, and most couples grow apart and not together.

I'm not saying you should stay with him. By all means leave if you feel you're not compatible. But I think you should really enjoy your youth and explore the world and yourself before thinking about marriage at your age.

Edited August 23, 2021 by Elswyth

[elaine567]

Yes 22 is very young but people can very easily end up in long term relationships with people who don't want to get married or have kids or live in the country, or travel the world or move abroad... etc. in the hope they will change their minds and be the person they always wanted them to be...

 

[glows]

2 hours ago, GimmyG said:

This is my absolute worst fear. I’m 22 now and relatively young with my entire 20s ahead of me. I don’t want to waste my time/youth on someone I may or may not have a future with. He may change his mind. He also may not.

It just seems pointless. Almost like our relationship has a set expiry date. And it will no doubt lead to more hurt feelings the longer we are enmeshed. Might as well cut my losses and leave now before I get further involved and  emotionally attached.

I’m hurt now but it will be worse 1 year or 5 years down the line. At the same time, I don’t want to make a hasty decision and not give us a chance at all. We do have a good connection and I really like this guy. He really seems to be into me too and if it weren’t for his revelation I’d be over the moon. 

The idea of leaving him is very painful and I might always wonder “what if”. 

You seem very emotionally invested at this early stage. I'd rethink this and cut your losses if that's the case. He's telling you and showing you what his interests are in terms of long term commitment/marriage. At the most you can ask him about the subject (that's what dating is about). Being cool about it is going to get you nowhere. Find out for yourself not because you are worried about chasing the wrong man away. 

If you feel he's not right for you, I suggest you stop talking with him or seeing him. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, GimmyG said:

Couple weeks ago, my friend set me up on a blind date with this guy. He suddenly said that he likely wasn’t ever going to get married.

Clearly it's an impasse/dealbreaker. You've only been on one date, better to cut your losses early on.

[introverted1]

Some of the reasoning in this thread is baffling.  If he is too young at 22 to know that he doesn't want to get married, then she is also too young at 22 to know that she does.

Personally, I think you are too young and inexperienced with dating to worry about this now, but if you need an iron-clad assurance that marriage is potentially on the table, then this is not the right relationship for you.

[LucyLocket]

He said he'd live with someone and have kids, but doesn't want marriage because of the divorce aspect. If you live with someone and have a family, buy a house, etc, and then you split up, you get the divorce aspect anyway, marriage certificate or not, so I don't see his point. From your point of view, if you're looking for a traditional type of guy, he isn't it. But, the funny thing about men who say they don't want to get married is how quickly they change their mind when they meet the woman they do want to marry. 

[Miss Spider]

When my dad was 22, he was never getting married. He was gonna date multiple chicks forever. But then he got old and fell in love. Haha happens to the best of us.
 

When I was 22, I really wanted to go to Thailand and work with endangered elephants, i I didn’t want to go to grad school. I said by the time I am 30 I am going to climb Denali, then Everest. Im almost 30 and don’t even wanna go climb my local rock gym’s wall anymore. I’m more into biking

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[IrinaM]

Hun 22 is not that young. It's not. Time flies. You do not want to be breaking up with this guy when you are 25, after dating for 3 years, living together, etc. Instead you could be getting married at 25 for a man you met after dumping this chump.

Set your intention on the future you want and don't compromise for some guy!

[spiderowl]

22 is young and people often don't know what they want at that age.  They also don't always realise the impact of making statements about things.

I can remember saying I didn't want children.  I changed my mind a few years later and really wanted them (more fool me!).

However, if someone has a deeply held conviction, even at that young age, that is a bit different.  You might want to date him for a while, but bear in mind that you and he have different ideas about what long-term relationships look like.

[Woggle]

If you really want marriage then somebody who doesn't see eye to eye will be a deal breaker but at the end of the day both of you are 22. You are only one year older from being allowed to legally drink so why even think about marriage?

[deepthinking]

At 22, you are at your peak of beauty, so do not waste time on this one. 

People who say marrage does not offer security miss the point - marriage is the closer committment than  moving in, 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, GimmyG said:

This is my absolute worst fear. I’m 22 now and relatively young with my entire 20s ahead of me. I don’t want to waste my time/youth on someone I may or may not have a future with. He may change his mind. He also may not.

It just seems pointless. Almost like our relationship has a set expiry date. And it will no doubt lead to more hurt feelings the longer we are enmeshed. Might as well cut my losses and leave now before I get further involved and  emotionally attached.

I’m hurt now but it will be worse 1 year or 5 years down the line. At the same time, I don’t want to make a hasty decision and not give us a chance at all. We do have a good connection and I really like this guy. He really seems to be into me too and if it weren’t for his revelation I’d be over the moon. 

The idea of leaving him is very painful and I might always wonder “what if”. 

 

what makes you feel he is someone you want to marry?

[FudgeSwirl]

In college I met someone who I thought at the time was the perfect guy at freshmen orientation.  Among our friends we were "the" couple and were together for four years.  Like me, he wanted to get married and have children.  Suddenly the last year we were together, he decided he didn't want any of that.  Like you at your age I thought I was going to be married at 30 and ended up getting married much sooner than that.  It ended up in divorce years later with miscarriages and no children.  My point in telling you all this is that life sometimes has a funny way of putting a spin on things and there are lots of changes in thinking and moments of self-discovery in your 20s.  This can also happen beyond your 20s, but it's a bit different unless someone is truly a "late bloomer."

I'm not saying any of this to give you false hope that this guy you are dating will change his mind about marriage; maybe he will, maybe he won't.  If he were in his 30s, I would say stop seeing him because by then if someone says he/she doesn't want to get married that decision is much more in stone than someone in his/her 20s.   However you're both young, this is your first relationship, and besides his current stance on marriage you are still getting to know him.  Just enjoy dating him, remember to not get very emotionally invested so soon, and if things down the line get serious where he's firm about not wanting to marry then you can make the decision to break it off.  A failed relationship is a learning tool and helps shape us for the better most of the time.

[Fletch Lives]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

22 year old men do change their minds about marriage but this discussion was seriously premature at your age having only just met.   You can't change his mind on the subject in the short term. 

Since you are on an unrealistic self imposed time line I suppose you could drop a good man with potential to go chase some unknown guy who wants to get married & have kids on your time frame.  

Listen to d0nnivain

Women are often more interested in marriage than men. The guys usually come along later. It's the same about wanting kids.

[deepthinking]

 

he has already made his feelings clear NO marriage

Edited August 24, 2021 by deepthinking

[poppyfields]

OP you could give it more time, a few more months like others suggested, but don't see how that would do much good.

The energy between has inevitably changed now.  You are naturally going to be more guarded and cautious, knowing he doesn't share your values (at least right now).

Agree that might change but for right now, at this moment, he doesn't share your goal, and that is going to impact how you relate to each other, how open you are, how trusting with your emotions and all sorts of other things.

I don't envision anything good here. 

Cut your losses and look for a man who wants what you want is my advice.  

 

 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[lonelyplanetmoon]

The problem is not about age or changing minds etc. the problem is that you are already attached to him after a few dates.  The longer you continue, the harder it will be to “break up”.

And you will be dating this guy with a big chip on your shoulder.  The back of your mind will always be churning away at the question.  You will just stress yourself out.

And what if you both fall in love but he still won’t budge? Will you have the strength to leave?  
 

For me leaving is the hardest thing to do.  So I try to be very careful about getting too involved.

‘I would pass on him romantically.  You could always be friends.

 

[BaileyB]

On 8/23/2021 at 8:44 AM, GimmyG said:

He said he would live with someone and even have kids with them but he would not get married. His concern was about the divorce aspect of marriage. 

Tell him that once he has a mortgage with a woman and they have children - he is tied to that woman legally, financially, logistically… If/when the relationship ends, the process of  separation or “divorce” when you own a home together and have children is essentially the same whether they have the wedding photo on the wall or not.

At 22 years old, he may not understand this yet. 

Edited August 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Woggle]

At this age if everything else is great why can't you just enjoy your time with him? At least it might leave you with some great memories. Why are people so damn obsessed with a formality that fails most of the time anyway? Worry about having a great relationship instead of signing a piece of paper.

Edited August 24, 2021 by Woggle

[Lauriebell82]

I think it really depends on what your timeline is for marriage and how firm you are on your belief system. I personally would NEVER be in a relationship with anyone who told me they never saw marriage as a possibility. It's just too important to me. There is nothing wrong with that either! I think it's great to know what you want. But the flip side is that men generally are not on the same timeline or nearly as eager to get married. So you may have to pass up a few great guys on your search for the right person. But to me, the right person would want to get married..and if he doesn't then he just isn't right for me. No matter how perfect he is in any other area...if he can't get married it just won't work. So the question you ask yourself is relatively the same one. Do you need someone to tell you they want to get married straight from the start and is it a dealbreaker for you? 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

 Why are people so damn obsessed with a formality that fails most of the time anyway? 

Because it matters to them and it is possible for them to meet someone who shares the same desire.

Personally, I don't understand why people who don't care about marriage waste so much time trying to convince people who care about it that "it's just a piece of paper." Why not just accept that they aren't particularly compatible based on that difference and try dating people who are more compatible? 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

Because it matters to them and it is possible for them to meet someone who shares the same desire.

Personally, I don't understand why people who don't care about marriage waste so much time trying to convince people who care about it that "it's just a piece of paper." Why not just accept that they aren't particularly compatible based on that difference and try dating people who are more compatible? 

Bolded, yup guilty as charged!  lol

This is something I used to do, but I have since realized everyone follows their own path, if marriage is important to them, far be it for me to try to convince them otherwise, not my place.

 

[Woggle]

Most people do treat marriage as a piece of paper though. The goal should be building a relationship that is actually worth marriage then maybe it will be worth that piece of paper. I told my wife that I would rather pour acid down my throat than ever get married again and yet we are fifteen years strong and that is because we built that foundation first. A great relationship matters more than any piece of paper.