He says he never wants to get married but I do. Is this a reason to end the relationship?

[GimmyG]

Couple weeks ago, my friend set me up on a blind date with this guy. We are both 22. We really clicked and he asked me to be his girlfriend a few dates in.

Everything was perfect. About a week ago, we were at dinner and I was talking about my brother who was newly engaged. I was talking about how most girls have dreamt about their own wedding since they were kids. He suddenly said that he likely wasn’t ever going to get married. He said he would live with someone and even have kids with them but he would not get married. His concern was about the divorce aspect of marriage. 

I didn’t say anything, kind of just changed the subject. This whole week, I’ve been thinking over his words. Personally, I’ve always imagined myself getting married. Unfortunately my own parents marriage has ended in divorce, but it’s still something I believe in and want for myself. I do not see my opinion on this ever changing.

I am someone who dates thinking that there’s a future to the relationship. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks but this is kind of a big thing we differ on. To be honest, this revelation has kind of put a damper on my enjoyment of our relationship. I don’t know how to proceed. 

It would hurt me very much to end our relationship. But I don’t know if I can commit to a relationship where I don’t have a long term future with the person. I’m only 22 and still in school but ideally I’d like to get married by 30 and have kids, settle down. I don’t know if I can change his mind on the matter.

Is it jumping the gun for me to end the relationship over this? Is there a chance that he may change his mind or is there no future for the two of us? Should I cut my losses and move on, no matter how much that may hurt me?

 

[d0nnivain]

22 year old men do change their minds about marriage but this discussion was seriously premature at your age having only just met.   You can't change his mind on the subject in the short term. 

Since you are on an unrealistic self imposed time line I suppose you could drop a good man with potential to go chase some unknown guy who wants to get married & have kids on your time frame.  

[GimmyG]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

22 year old men do change their minds about marriage but this discussion was seriously premature at your age having only just met.   You can't change his mind on the subject in the short term. 

Since you are on an unrealistic self imposed time line I suppose you could drop a good man with potential to go chase some unknown guy who wants to get married & have kids on your time frame.  

It wasn’t a discussion I prompted, it was just something he mentioned in passing. I don’t think my timeline is unrealistic. I know what I want and I don’t think there’s harm in wanting it and having a plan for the future. I am definitely not going to try and change his mind. But I don’t want to just settle for the hope that “maybe” he’ll change his mind in the future.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, GimmyG said:

I know what I want and I don’t think there’s harm in wanting it and having a plan for the future. I am definitely not going to try and change his mind. But I don’t want to just settle for the hope that “maybe” he’ll change his mind in the future.

Well if you're this sure at 22 this is not the guy for you.  You are not compatible and if marriage is what you see in your near future break up with this guy and find one who wants the same thing you do in a few years or sooner.

[d0nnivain]

If you otherwise like him, I'd date him for a couple of months.  If he's still singing this same song at 25 then end it but now it's premature.  

[poppyfields]

I used to work with a woman who had the same timetable as you.

She didn't mess around lemmetellya!

When she first started dating a man, she would say her goal was marriage no more than one year into dating. 

If a man didn't share that timeframe, NEXT!.

She was very beautiful, intelligent, educated so no shortage of men and a couple of years later when she was 26, she found her man, and had a beautiful wedding a year later and last I heard has 2-3 kids and they are all very happy!

Take from that what you will but from my perspective when a man tells you he has no interest in marriage, given your strong views, wish him well and walk. 

He may change his mind later but why risk it when there are other men who want what you want?

Me?  I would continue dating him as marriage is not my main goal and I'm more a "one day at a time" girl but I'm not you and you're not me!

You do YOU, there is no shame in what you are wanting even at the young age of 22.

Good luck!  

 

[glows]

46 minutes ago, GimmyG said:

He suddenly said that he likely wasn’t ever going to get married. He said he would live with someone and even have kids with them but he would not get married. His concern was about the divorce aspect of marriage. 

Before you end anything or stop seeing him based on this passing comment, for yourself to have a clearer understanding, I suggest you ask him about what his concern exactly is about “the divorce aspect of marriage”. It sounds like a very broad-based and ambiguous fear.

You can then make your decision based on his thought process. You want to make sure you understand clearly how he thinks or approaches commitment or issues in a relationship. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Before you end anything or stop seeing him based on this passing comment, for yourself to have a clearer understanding, I suggest you ask him about what his concern exactly is about “the divorce aspect of marriage”.

This guy is 22 & they have only been dating for a few weeks.  He doesn't have a thoughtful answer to this.  He's just parroting something somebody else said -- maybe his dad if the parents are divorce.  He doesn't even know what it means nor does he care at this point. 

They are too young & it's too soon for her to start probing this subject.  In his shoes if she presses, I'd be heading for the door because this is not fun anymore.   

[stillafool]

I missed the ONLY couple of weeks dating part.  OP how do you even know this guy is the one you want to marry considering you've only known and dated him a couple of weeks?  A 22 year old man is hardly even thinking about marriage at that age.  Definitely find someone else who is of like mind.

Edited August 23, 2021 by stillafool

[GimmyG]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I missed the ONLY couple of weeks dating part.  OP how do you even know this guy is the one you want to marry considering you've only known and dated him a couple of weeks?  A 22 year old man is hardly even thinking about marriage at that age.  Definitely find someone else who is of like mind.

I don’t know if he’s the one. We’re both 22, in college, living on campus, figuring s*** out. He’s my first boyfriend.

But I want to be with someone who I know I MIGHT have a future with.

[stillafool]

Just now, GimmyG said:

But I want to be with someone who I know I MIGHT have a future with.

I understand how you feel but I don't think this guy is the one.  For future dates you need to find out if they are marriage minded right away because a lot of younger men are not seeing marriage in their future.  That is why there are so many baby mommas around.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

3 hours ago, GimmyG said:

Couple weeks ago, my friend set me up on a blind date with this guy. We are both 22. We really clicked and he asked me to be his girlfriend a few dates in.

Everything was perfect. About a week ago, we were at dinner and I was talking about my brother who was newly engaged. I was talking about how most girls have dreamt about their own wedding since they were kids. He suddenly said that he likely wasn’t ever going to get married. He said he would live with someone and even have kids with them but he would not get married. His concern was about the divorce aspect of marriage. 

I didn’t say anything, kind of just changed the subject. This whole week, I’ve been thinking over his words. Personally, I’ve always imagined myself getting married. Unfortunately my own parents marriage has ended in divorce, but it’s still something I believe in and want for myself. I do not see my opinion on this ever changing.

I am someone who dates thinking that there’s a future to the relationship. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks but this is kind of a big thing we differ on. To be honest, this revelation has kind of put a damper on my enjoyment of our relationship. I don’t know how to proceed. 

It would hurt me very much to end our relationship. But I don’t know if I can commit to a relationship where I don’t have a long term future with the person. I’m only 22 and still in school but ideally I’d like to get married by 30 and have kids, settle down. I don’t know if I can change his mind on the matter.

Is it jumping the gun for me to end the relationship over this? Is there a chance that he may change his mind or is there no future for the two of us? Should I cut my losses and move on, no matter how much that may hurt me?

 

A couple things:

1. This is absolutely a deal breaker if you ever hope to get married. He is telling you who he is. 

2. I'm hoping this conversation took place before any physical intimacy.

[Alvi]

When someone tells you something, you better believe it. He told you how he feels as of right now. He may of may not change his mind about the marriage down the road. But what if he doesn't? Are you willing to take that risk? What if he totally mean that he never ever wants to get married no matter what. You are young, you still have years and years to have kids and get married if that is what you are after. But on the other hand, time flies very fast. So, I would not suggest for you to waste your time on anybody who is not on the same page as you. If you want a marriage, seek marriage-minded men. 

Consider the scenario: 10 years from now you come back here. You write about this guy that you've been dating for the last 10 years who doesn't want to settle down and get married. Perhaps you have a child together but he is totally against a marriage. What are we going to tell you at that point? We are going to dig up your past posts on here and see that you were told by him since the day one that he never wants to get married. We are going to ask you why did you actually wasted ten years of your life on someone who was very honest about never wanted to be married in the first place.

Talk to him, see how he really feels about a marriage and what his fears are. If you don't see that you are on the same page, then consider that the two of you are not going to be  compatible down the road.

[Miss Spider]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This guy is 22 & they have only been dating for a few weeks.  He doesn't have a thoughtful answer to this.  He's just parroting something somebody else said -- maybe his dad if the parents are divorce.  He doesn't even know what it means nor does he care at this point. 

They are too young & it's too soon for her to start probing this subject.  In his shoes if she presses, I'd be heading for the door because this is not fun anymore.   

I agree with this… he’s 22 and you’ve only been together a few weeks. Relax and have fun. You both have a while. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Alvi]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree with this… he’s 22 and you’ve only been together a few weeks. Relax and have fun. You both have a while. 

But on the other hand, don't waste your time and your youth on someone who is not on the same page as you are.  It is a lot better to find out soon how he feels about a marriage before getting too deep.

Edited August 23, 2021 by Alvi

[d0nnivain]

22 minutes ago, GimmyG said:

I don’t know if he’s the one. We’re both 22, in college, living on campus, figuring s*** out. He’s my first boyfriend.

But I want to be with someone who I know I MIGHT have a future with.

I understand you want to get married & have kids by 30 but you need to have a few BFs before you go rushing toward marriage.  

Date this man for a couple of months to see if you like dating.  

I don't know where you are about sex before marriage but you seem to be approaching marriage & kids like they are items on your to do list.  It's a recipe for heart break.  You have a lot to learn about romantic relationships.  You need to take baby steps before you can run.  

[Miss Spider]

Yea you have nearly a decade before you want to hypothetically settle down. Do you realize all that hat can happen in that time? YOU could change YOUR mind

 

 

 

If you don’t like the dude all that much, by all means. And don’t know if you want hear this, but the chances of this guy, your first bf, being the one even if he did want to get married a decade down are not that great 

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Whodatdog]

I agree with taking your time, you just started dating. Times are very different now, and many men (and women) dont see the value of getting married. The fact that he said he wouldnt even mind having kids not being married is a red flag to me. Just be very careful and use birth control. Also, when people tell you who they are, believe them. Dont go into a relationship thinking you will change someone. It usually ends up badly.

[GimmyG]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

When someone tells you something, you better believe it. He told you how he feels as of right now. He may of may not change his mind about the marriage down the road. But what if he doesn't? Are you willing to take that risk? What if he totally mean that he never ever wants to get married no matter what. You are young, you still have years and years to have kids and get married if that is what you are after. But on the other hand, time flies very fast. So, I would not suggest for you to waste your time on anybody who is not on the same page as you. If you want a marriage, seek marriage-minded men. 

Consider the scenario: 10 years from now you come back here. You write about this guy that you've been dating for the last 10 years who doesn't want to settle down and get married. Perhaps you have a child together but he is totally against a marriage. What are we going to tell you at that point? We are going to dig up your past posts on here and see that you were told by him since the day one that he never wants to get married. We are going to ask you why did you actually wasted ten years of your life on someone who was very honest about never wanted to be married in the first place.

Talk to him, see how he really feels about a marriage and what his fears are. If you don't see that you are on the same page, then consider that the two of you are not going to be  compatible down the road.

This is my absolute worst fear. I’m 22 now and relatively young with my entire 20s ahead of me. I don’t want to waste my time/youth on someone I may or may not have a future with. He may change his mind. He also may not.

It just seems pointless. Almost like our relationship has a set expiry date. And it will no doubt lead to more hurt feelings the longer we are enmeshed. Might as well cut my losses and leave now before I get further involved and  emotionally attached.

I’m hurt now but it will be worse 1 year or 5 years down the line. At the same time, I don’t want to make a hasty decision and not give us a chance at all. We do have a good connection and I really like this guy. He really seems to be into me too and if it weren’t for his revelation I’d be over the moon. 

The idea of leaving him is very painful and I might always wonder “what if”. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by GimmyG

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, GimmyG said:

Couple weeks ago, my friend set me up on a blind date with this guy. We are both 22. We really clicked and he asked me to be his girlfriend a few dates in.

Everything was perfect. About a week ago, we were at dinner and I was talking about my brother who was newly engaged. I was talking about how most girls have dreamt about their own wedding since they were kids. He suddenly said that he likely wasn’t ever going to get married. He said he would live with someone and even have kids with them but he would not get married. His concern was about the divorce aspect of marriage. 

I didn’t say anything, kind of just changed the subject. This whole week, I’ve been thinking over his words. Personally, I’ve always imagined myself getting married. Unfortunately my own parents marriage has ended in divorce, but it’s still something I believe in and want for myself. I do not see my opinion on this ever changing.

I am someone who dates thinking that there’s a future to the relationship. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks but this is kind of a big thing we differ on. To be honest, this revelation has kind of put a damper on my enjoyment of our relationship. I don’t know how to proceed. 

It would hurt me very much to end our relationship. But I don’t know if I can commit to a relationship where I don’t have a long term future with the person. I’m only 22 and still in school but ideally I’d like to get married by 30 and have kids, settle down. I don’t know if I can change his mind on the matter.

Is it jumping the gun for me to end the relationship over this? Is there a chance that he may change his mind or is there no future for the two of us? Should I cut my losses and move on, no matter how much that may hurt me?

 

 

a few things to remember….

 

1. he’s 22

 

2.  He’s 22

3 he’s 22…..

 

22 yr olds don’t know what they want in life. People change dramatically between now and 30.  Thus woukd be different if gewas 35.

 

 

ask him what does marriage mean to him?  What does a relationship ( long term one) mean to him?

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I used to work with a woman who had the same timetable as you.

She didn't mess around lemmetellya!

When she first started dating a man, she would say her goal was marriage no more than one year into dating. 

If a man didn't share that timeframe, NEXT!.

She was very beautiful, intelligent, educated so no shortage of men and a couple of years later when she was 26, she found her man, and had a beautiful wedding a year later and last I heard has 2-3 kids and they are all very happy!

Take from that what you will but from my perspective when a man tells you he has no interest in marriage, given your strong views, wish him well and walk. 

He may change his mind later but why risk it when there are other men who want what you want?

Me?  I would continue dating him as marriage is not my main goal and I'm more a "one day at a time" girl but I'm not you and you're not me!

You do YOU, there is no shame in what you are wanting even at the young age of 22.

Good luck!  

 

im curious

 

1 how old was the guy?

 

2. did she wonder what happened with the guys she walked away from to see what happened to thrm in terms of marriage?

 

many many say no at 22 will say yes at 26-29 after they see friends getting married.

[Alfano]

Why would you possibly think that without marriage there cannot be a long term future with a person?

 

Conversely  why would you possibly think that marriage ensures a long term future with a person?

Given the astronomically high divorce rate and the number of unhappy marriages even with those couples who opt not to divorce, plus your own personal experience with your parents why would you think marriage is some sort of safety net to a relationship?

Because it isn't.

[d0nnivain]

14 minutes ago, GimmyG said:

This is my absolute worst fear. I’m 22 now and relatively young with my entire 20s ahead of me. I don’t want to waste my time/youth on someone I may or may not have a future with. He may change his mind. He also may not.

What do you mean this is your worst fear?  

You had a premature inappropriate conversation because you are in too much of a hurry.   

This guy is 22 years old & your 1st BF.  Stop worrying about marriage & wasting your 20s.  Date him for a few month.  Nobody is talking about giving him your child bearing years.  Hang out through Christmas or Valentine's Day.  Get to know what dating is about because you have no experience.  

You are not going to find a sane mentally healthy man in his early 20s who wants to have an actual conversation with anyone he just started dating about marriage. 

[smackie9]

Nope walk away. Your heart set on marriage and kids "someday" find someone who feels the same way. If and when he does change his mind, it will be with someone that has him fallen head over heels for. You are not that girl.

Edited August 23, 2021 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, GimmyG said:

This is my absolute worst fear. I’m 22 now and relatively young with my entire 20s ahead of me. I don’t want to waste my time/youth on someone I may or may not have a future with. He may change his mind. He also may not.

 

Enjoy your early 20s. Anything can happen. There are no guarantees. 
 

When it gets closer to when you want to settle down and marry,  find a guy that proposes within 1-3 years. If he doesn’t, next him.

Edited August 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough